The Bell is a Barman's Best Friend (27192 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: B@W
Rating: 1.98 on 105 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2005-07-25 04:48:15 EDT
There is a woman at the club I work in, who hates me. I have no explanation for it. A lot of people hate me, and they all have reasons. I am a sarcastic, annoying, ignorant little prick, but normally people take the time to realise that before deciding.
This bitch did no such thing.
The first time she saw me, she hated me.
First thing I should mention is that it's not a nightclub. It's a working men's club, which is a term we aren't allowed to use anymore, because women got let in about thirty years ago and we're just catching up. So it's a members only social club.
And as such, it's often full of old people, especially on Thursday and Saturday night, as those are bingo nights. Yep. I work in a place where they play bingo. Thankfully I only work every now and again, but it's been enough to let this women hate me and show that hatred in so, so many ways.
No matter what I do, it's wrong.
She asks for a shandy, there's three ways things can go:
1. I give her a pint. She says: "I didn't want a pint!"
2. I give her half a pint. She says: "I wanted a pint!"
3. I ask her what she wants. She tuts and says like I'm retarded: "Half a pint of course.", followed by another tut.
And that isn't the only thing. I swear to God I've never once managed to serve her without her making me sound like a spastic in a coma.
She has a soft drink and I don't put ice in, she gets pissed. I put ice in, she gets pissed.
She pays with a £10 for something less than £5 and I give her a £5 note in the change, she wanted five £1 coins.
I give her her drink in the glass she always has and it's the wrong one. I change the glass accordingly, one drink later it's the wrong glass.
And if I ask what she wants with anything, she tuts before and after answering and then talks to me as if she was a simple customer and I didn't know her regular drink.
She has basically made my Thursday and Saturday working down there a hell. If she wasn't so old and I was sure she was going to die soon through bitterness and being a shit (and I'll be honest, I pray for it a bit too) then I would stop working there on Thursday and Saturday.
I can't believe I get bullied by an old lady.
And then to make things worse, they've recently moved into the house next door to mine, but on a different street (strange set-up, but the bitch is there).
And then, on Thursday, the perfect time came. And yes, I suppose there is a double meaning to that.
A few weeks ago the cow took a turn and since then has not been able to walk very well. And I have no shame in saying I was chuffed to fuck. In a way I get the feeling God was teasing me, but I'll have patients.
So anyway I was working, and it was ten to eleven and I rang the bell for last orders, which basically means people have ten minutes to come and get any drinks, before we have to stop serving. Normally we're a little bit relaxed about it and we won't ring the second bell until we're sure everyone has what they want.
Not many people in that day, so by five to eleven everyone had their drinks. I looked around and everyone was happy. Then I noticed her walking back from the end of the club to her seat. She'd probably just been drowning puppies or kidnapping children or something, and so had missed the last orders.
She picked up her glass that was empty and then began to walk slowly towards the bar.
I looked at the clock. Just over two minutes left before time.
Someone offered to help her. The cranky and stubborn bitch wouldn't accept it.
She hobbled on.
Another clock check. She was half way here and there was still a minute before time.
She was getting closer.
I looked up. Caught her eye. She looked like she was on her way to kick the shit out of the devil. She really hated me.
I couldn't help it. I smiled as I reached up for the rope under the bell.
The look on her face changed. She knew what I was going to do.
Her face changed to one of even more bitterness and hatred and I was happy.
I'd put up with her abuse and annoyance and treating me like shit for ages, and it was all thanks to moments like this.
The loud ding was the sound of victory ringing out across the bar. She was within arms reach if she could stretch. Her glass was on the bar before the echo had even stopped.
"Half a..." She started.
"Sorry." I interrupted. "Time."
"But you saw me on my way why the..."
"It's the law I'm afraid." I smiled. "If I could, you know that I would love to serve you. But we don't want to get into trouble now. Do we?"
Never has my voice been so patronising. Never has anyone hated me so much.
With that I picked up her empty and took it down to the glass washer, leaving her stood at the bar, nearly on fire with rage.
I honestly can't wait until next time I work Thursday. Round Two, bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-29 15:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was sweeeeeet
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-03-26 15:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's the little things.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-25 10:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-05-27 20:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by crizza (user info) at 2005-07-29 08:42:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people should be shot at birth
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Just shout "House" after six numbers. Normally knocks a few of them off
________
This made me laugh in a really unattractive way. You know, a bit like when you scream because someone jumps out on you, but it's such real fear, the scream comes from the bottom of your belly and sounds alot deeper than your normal voice and very very ood. It was a laugh version of that scream.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-11 16:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss Nath :-(
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-02-22 23:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice one
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-22 21:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
some impressive streak but i don't see it. it's too ordinary.
Submitted by Jai (user info) at 2006-03-15 08:24:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wouldn't dare give this a bad review even if it wasn't funny as fuck
Hooray for you!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-10 23:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by dedre (user info) at 2006-03-09 02:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story, I'll be sure to be nice to my bars-people for stories like this.
Though, my high school buddy now works at a gay bar....ehhhhhh
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-09 01:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's probably lez.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 00:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:02:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Guinness extra cold.
My weapon of choice.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-05 12:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect
Submitted by Douglas (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
okay.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-09 17:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Missed this one.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So I guess I didn't rate this when I read it months ago.
Here y'go.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2005-12-30 09:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done! Kudos
Submitted by ilikeyoghurt (user info) at 2005-12-30 08:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding dude! As a former barman myself, I always found that silently turning round and walking away when people were giving you shit was the funniest thing to do. Either that or waiting until the boss is out of earshot and telling the customers that I'm stirring their drink with my cock.
Submitted by kimberly (user info) at 2005-12-26 18:01:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by silverstone148 (user info) at 2005-12-26 17:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2005-10-13 04:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha
Submitted by Choppa (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i work in a bar too.
good work.
i had drnk people when i'm sober.
Submitted by PigOnLifeSupport (user info) at 2005-10-09 09:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Olga (user info) at 2005-10-09 08:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi, i didn't read it, but everyone's giving you a +2, so what the hell
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-11 18:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2005-09-07 19:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfecto!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-03 06:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooo! Best ever!
pop pop pop
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-31 09:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have slung amonia in her eyes but your way was good as well.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes the only thing that will suffice is a good GIT R DONE.
GIT R DOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-18 18:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't believe I didn't rate this yet.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-08-07 14:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO 71'st REVIEW WOO!
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-08-06 18:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah! Fuck that bitch!
Submitted by pbnjams (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flippin hilarious. Bitchy old ladies deserve everything they get. Of course, when I'm old, I'm sure I'll be an evil old hag, but I hope someone has the balls to spar with me. It's not fun being wenchy if nobody fights back.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-08-03 19:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate old people...they never taste as good as the advertisements promise.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-08-03 00:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-08-02 06:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:28:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG SHIT I BROEK UR STRAEK!!!"wIM SO SRORY!(*&Tg
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Strangely weird in a wonderful way
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG SHIT I BROEK UR STRAEK!!!"wIM SO SRORY!(*&Tg
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-08-01 19:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-07-31 18:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I did too
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-31 18:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, thought I reviewed this.
Submitted by KDdid (user info) at 2005-07-31 06:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That story has totally made my day!!! I wish I had a bell now....Damn I need a holiday
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-07-30 19:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a bartender and I now officially have a non-sexual crush on you and your methods.
Methods as in ways, not...... method
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by crizza (user info) at 2005-07-29 08:42:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people should be shot at birth
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Just shout "House" after six numbers. Normally knocks a few of them off
Submitted by crizza (user info) at 2005-07-29 08:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people should be shot at birth
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-29 05:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Woohooo!!
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-29 02:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 for you, none for me.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-28 09:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-27 18:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking rock.
Congrats on B@W!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-27 16:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-07-27 14:01:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, that's the second best revenge I've ever heard of.
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Who beat me? The Sith? The Living Dead? ......... I'm out
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-07-27 16:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a good post and not ubermadness related. +2 for you.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-27 15:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-07-27 14:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, that's the second best revenge I've ever heard of.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-27 13:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ding ding
Submitted by TheJessicar (user info) at 2005-07-27 12:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people are lame.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-27 06:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2005-07-27 05:23:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to work behind a bar where people would actually verbally abuse me when I called last orders. Chavs. -.-
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I only get the abuse when people say they didn't hear either bell (it sounds like a fucking fire alarm in a matchbox) and then try to accuse me of not ringing it.
Clearly the other thirty people in the bar imagined it at once.
Tossers
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2005-07-27 05:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to work behind a bar where people would actually verbally abuse me when I called last orders. Chavs. -.-
Submitted by Kittie (user info) at 2005-07-27 02:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by turnbbw (user info) at 2005-07-26 23:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-07-26 20:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by maelstrom_x (user info) at 2005-07-26 20:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, you rule. You rule so much.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-26 14:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-07-26 13:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It hurts so good
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DING! WE have a Winner!
Submitted by TheEvilleprechaun (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drop kick her in the ovaries
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:35:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet that she's a lousy tipper.
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Not if the floor's wet. HA HA BOOM BOOM
God, I've lost it. I always said the day I quote Basil Brush on Uber is the day I've truly lost it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet that she's a lousy tipper.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:09:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you do body shots?
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For a lady who not only does this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64786
But who also posts it, I could stretch to anything.
Why don't we get people with those talents in the club?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you do body shots?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what a bitch
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-07-26 06:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worthy of Best Ever page and B@W.
Congrats.
Submitted by mbwun (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:02:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W. (Again)
-Dave
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Congratulations fella!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:02:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W. (Again)
-Dave
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Well hot dawg...
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W. (Again)
-Dave
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY ARSEHOLE!! THAT'S MY SISTER!!!
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Time!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As a former bartender this gets a +159653633245352.
You are truely a good among boys.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My nigga.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now shut up and give me a drink bitch
Submitted by jinhenkim (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The bar I worked in had a giant digital clock that would turn on at last call and wind down until legal close. We had this older guy, who was a complete asshole, and we convinced him that the clock would cut access to the kegs when it hit 2:00am.
By then, he was too drunk to remember we served bottles too - drunk old guy abuse is the most entertaining thing to watch, ever.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
The pic was too funny, almost made me shoot some of my sandwich out of my nose
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny. And well done. Just 'cause someone's old don't mean they can get away with that shit.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-07-25 07:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 granny battling.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 07:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The thought has crossed my mind, but some pussy (FABIT) won't help me. And I'll be fucked if I'm touching an old lady.
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For fucks sake man just rob your mum's marigolds and have done with it. Violence is the only language these people understand and you've got to explain the situation to her with a 'full-stop' if you know what I mean. Bloody OAP's coming over here, stealing our jobs and polluting our gene pool with the abominable offspring. Don't even bother to learn the language and the noise they make from their bastard TV's. I used to live next to an old man who'd sit in his garden blasting out the Archers at full volume, I fixed him by pissing through his letter box every three days and scrawling "wanker" on his front window. Soon moved on, degenerate coward that he was.
Strike a blow for blighty my lad!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-25 07:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 07:06:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to mention, she's about 70. That's how bad it is.
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Oh well that's alright then. You'll never change her opinion of you so just cave her head in after work and dump her in the canal. It's the circle of life, man.
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The thought has crossed my mind, but some pussy (FABIT) won't help me. And I'll be fucked if I'm touching an old lady.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 07:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to mention, she's about 70. That's how bad it is.
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Oh well that's alright then. You'll never change her opinion of you so just cave her head in after work and dump her in the canal. It's the circle of life, man.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-25 06:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 06:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't take it personally dude, you probably just look like her dad or an ex-abusive-boyfreind.
I feel your pain though, when I was a barman I had to work under a very bitter supervisor too. I was proper shit though so I let her off.
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I forgot to mention, she's about 70. That's how bad it is.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 06:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't take it personally dude, you probably just look like her dad or an ex-abusive-boyfreind.
I feel your pain though, when I was a barman I had to work under a very bitter supervisor too. I was proper shit though so I let her off.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a wank cloth and use it to wipe her glass.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. Satisfaction in every sense of the word. Can you tell Jo i can't find my Lego. My mum must have chucked it. Its quite depressing really. She's left all my starwars figurines though, Ebay here i come...
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hated being a barmaid.
I don't like people much.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guinness extra cold.
My weapon of choice.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 04:57:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, great. When I was a waitress as a student there was a reallly fussy woman that used to come in every day and give us hell. We used to do nasty stuff to her food.
Learn to spell patience. Patients are what you get in the hospital.
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I would but I just don't have the patients to learn to spell.
HA! See what I did there? Pretty sad, huh? Monday morning, it is...
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 04:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, great. When I was a waitress as a student there was a reallly fussy woman that used to come in every day and give us hell. We used to do nasty stuff to her food.
Learn to spell patience. Patients are what you get in the hospital.