Before the Heat Burned it Away (382 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 0.66 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paul Hibbert (View user info) at 2005-07-25 08:51:41 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"Heartbreaker" I shouted to the open air of the living room.
It felt a little unjust to make such an accusation against the small aloe plant but its so-called leaves taunted me with their superior attitude. "Why did you insist on coming between us you photosynthesising piece of shit?"
She'd gone and left me again, this time I'm pretty sure she was serious; the right hook to the temple as she left the house gave it away.
Thinking back to the argument it seemed so stupid. But then she was stupid, and she knew it- that's why she hated me so much. It's because I'm smarter than she is. I realised that I was again shouting at the defenceless shrub and tried to regain my composure.
"I don't need her anyway" I said pacing back and forth striking my finger in the air. The Aloe plant looked on helplessly as I made sudden spasmodic jerks and purposefully kicked the sofa rather than the coffee table so as not to hurt my shin. That didn't satisfy my irritation and made me feel less of a man so I spun and kicked the table anyway.
"Arrgggghhhh" I screamed limping about and eventually flopping to the ground.
The very manly and impressive crane kick to the table worked it's painful magic and after I'd finished tearing the curtains down with my teeth I began to simmer down.
"Strange how the smallest of things can often have the greatest of consequences" I pondered; maybe it wasn't just the plant that made her leave, I chuckled at the pun and then continued to feel sorry for myself; I suppose there could have been more to it. What though? I couldn't for the life of me think at what point in our life together I had been wrong about anything, I was always right and she hated that. It's not my fault I'm always right is it?
Take last week for example. She said, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" and so I said "Why are you not as good in bed as your sister?" If the miserable bitch can't take a joke after all these years then when will she be able to take a joke? Besides, that unfortunate business with her sister was years ago.
I sat cross legged on the empty floor and surveyed my surroundings... TV? Gone, Corner glass cabinet? Gone, stupid flowery girly wallpaper? Check!
My bachelor pad was a little incomplete but I'd never thought she'd dare leave me; after all she's so ugly. She'll be back; as far as I'm concerned she hasn't really gone. Yeah, that's it- I'll go round her mothers later and act like nothing's happened, it always works for the dog after he's pee'd on the carpet.
I had a read through her diary earlier on. She called me a "controlling bullying nonsense speaking worthless sack of shit". What I think she meant was "strong, organised, forward thinking, verbose and superior" but her grammar always was a little off.
She liked to think she was better than me; she said before she left that I reminded her of "a little boy running around with his mums bed sheet around his shoulders pretending to be Superman". It was about that time that I told Louis to fuck off.
She did 'fuck off' unfortunately... turns out her name's Rachel too- but I'll be damned if I'm giving up my superhero fixation for her if she won't give up her pre-occupation with shoes for me.
God damn it she knew how to whine, "Not good enough" this, "Hypocritical jerk" that, "what kind of a fucking anniversary present is an Aloe plant?" the other.
Well this whole sordid situation's not likely to be my fault is it? I've never been wrong before and I'm not wrong now. That little botanist's nightmare sat laughing on my living room floor is to blame and I'll see this fiasco does not go unpunished.
"She's not coming back this time is she Ally? That's right, I've named you so torturing you will be so much more pleasurable" I said to the plant "Ally O Vera. You have been a naughty girl haven't you?" I spoke rummaging menacingly through my pockets for a suitable device for her disposal.
I sat watching the little plants leaves curl up, hissing and popping. I watched as the symbol of our relationship crumpled into a small pile of squidgy green mulch before the heat burned it away.
...
Then I realised I was going to need to replace the living room carpet. Stupid plant.
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Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-02-16 19:07:00 EST (#)
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What the fuck's up with all of the reposted UberMadness posts?
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