Laughing and Crashing (333 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 1 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SG The Platypus Master (View user info) at 2005-07-25 10:19:23 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
Michael Arthur, a cop of 15 years, sat baffled as more and more murder and rape cases piled themselves onto his desk. Exhaustion was beginning to take control of the veteran cop due to the past 3 months of continuous work with no avail. He just couldn't find any link between the cases, though he knew it must have been the same person. What made the job even more peculiar was the fact that each victim was found to have high amounts of potassium in their bodies at the time of death. Arthur couldn't figure it out.
The door to his office creaked open and his new partner, Tim Jacobs, poked his head through the opening. Tim was only 20, a college dropout. Though Arthur found it hard to level with him, there was no doubt that Jacobs was a fine officer. "Sir," Jacobs said, "we have another case."
Arthur leaned back in his chair and sighed heavily. "I don't think I can take this anymore. It's just too much work."
"I understand sir, but we've found something in this case that might interest you."
"I'm listening."
"Take a look at this picture."
Jacobs handed Arthur a picture of the dead victim. Arthur scanned the photo for anything odd, but could find nothing of interest. "I don't see anything other than this dead body."
"Look at what is in his hand sir."
Arthur's eyes scanned down the photo to the victim's hand. What he saw almost gave him a chuckle. "A banana? What the hell does a banana have to do with-" Suddenly a revelation came to him. Bananas. He quickly thought back to the investigations of each case. Most of the potassium in each body was found in the mouth. And what do you put in your mouth that contains high amounts of potassium?
Bananas.
Arthur quickly shook the idea. Sure, you put bananas in your mouth, but what about your anus? Many of the rape cases found high amounts of potassium in the anuses of those who were raped.
"Oh I forget to tell you," Jacobs said. "They found a piece of a banana in the rectum of the last rape victim."
"By god," Arthur thought. He could barely believe what he was thinking. Could the myths be true? Could there really be a murderer such as this? Could there be a..."Banana Man," Arthur said coldly.
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"Look, I know you've been under a lot of pressure lately, but we really need the money."
Henry Mitchell's hand almost urged him to put down the phone, but something inside didn't let him. Mitchell was the Banana Man...the cold-blooded killer on a mission to spread the word of the banana. He never liked how people disrespected the awesome power of a banana, quite possibly the most nutritious fruit on the planet. Ever since he was a child, schoolmates would pick on him for eating so many bananas. They called him "banana eater" and "monkey" and many other unkind names. Henry would go back to his home made of bananas and cry for days. "Why don't they like bananas?" he would ask himself. "They taste so good, and they are so healthy! Why must they make fun of me like this??" Even as an adult, his colleagues would frequently insult his banana-eating ways behind his back. This angered Henry very much.
So Henry decided that he would never put up with anyone's mockery of the banana ever again, for he would become the Banana Man. Anyone who harmed the banana or was ignorant to the banana would pay dearly. As Henry stayed on the phone with David McCoy, the owner of a local grocery store, he could only think of how he had once seen David throw away a half eaten banana, calling it disgusting. Disgusting? David McCoy was the disgusting one, not the banana. A banana could never be disgusting.
"Henry? Henry are you there?"
Franks voice brought Henry out of his thoughts. "Yea, I'm here," he said. "OK listen, how about if I come down to the store tonight and pay you everything I owe you?"
"That'll be fine. Take it easy buddy."
"Yes...I will take it easy...once I avenge that fallen banana."
"What?"
"Oh! Nothing, nothing. Goodbye."
After hanging up the phone Henry went to his closet. After rummaging through the pile of dirty clothes on the floor, he found the yellow costume he was looking for.
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Arthur and Jacobs were now in the documents room of the police department. For hours now they had been searching for any information on the Banana Man. Now, as Jacobs flew through the pages of "Police Diaries" he called Arthur over to look at something. "I think this may be referencing the Banana Man," he said.
Arthur came up behind him and began to read the information Jacobs pointed out.
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April 18th, 1992.
I have been having very odd dreams for a long time now. It seems that every one of them involves a murder or a rape, but they aren't just any murder or rape. In each dream I have been seeing from the viewpoint of the victim. What makes it worse is that every time I wake up after a rape dream, my ass hurts like a bitch. I think I may be having these dreams because I've been eating more peanut butter lately, I can't really think of any other reason. But then again I did see a guy dressed up as a Jesus on the street the other day. He said that from now on I would see into the future in my dreams. But that couldn't be why I'm seeing these crazy things in my dreams. Nope, couldn't possibly be it.
Besides, I don't know if I'm seeing into the future, of if I'm seeing something that has already happened. Anyway, as I was saying, these dreams have been haunting me for months now, but last night I had the clearest dream I've ever had. I saw a man dressed up in a big yellow suit, a banana suit I think. He started saying something about how disrespecting bananas was ignorant and then he started pummeling me with the bananas he had in his hand. After that he started shoving them in my mouth so I would choke to death. Unfortunately, I didn't die then, so he started shoving bananas up my butt. Then I died.
I don't know if I should go see help for this or not, but for some reason I think that these dreams are real. I think they have either happened before, or they are going to happen. There is just this feeling in my gut that this is all real...or maybe it's just those bananas that went up my anus and into my stomach...
- Officer Jeremy Feely
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"Jacobs," Arthur said slowly. "Go find the address of this Jeremy Feely. He may be the key to solving this mystery.
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Henry donned his banana costume and went into the next room to pray in front of his large pile of bananas. The pile reached the ceiling and was about as wide as Henry could stretch his arms out. He knelt down in front of the bananas and began to chant.
"Bananas, tasty, bananas, healthy, bananas, soft, bananas, yellow, bananas, friend."
After repeating this chant 50 times he stood up and began to undergo the selection process. "Which bananas will help me tonight?" he thought. Carefully he looked through the pile for any bananas that stood out. That day he was in the mood for bananas with spots on them so he made his way to the back of the pile. There he saw many bananas with spots on them. All he had to do now was fine the perfect spot to banana ratio and those were the bananas he would use.
For 10 minutes he searched until finally selecting the bananas that would help him murder someone that night.
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"This is the address, 51 Hanes Avenue."
Arthur looked at the house they just stopped in front of. It was so banged up it looked as if a hurricane went through it. Nevertheless, he and Jacobs got out of the car and knocked on the front door. They could hear a loud banging inside that sounded like pots and pans being knocked over. Arthur prepared to knock again when the door opened.
A ragged old man showed himself in the doorway. He was wearing torn up old jeans and a shirt that was two sizes too small. A full-grown beard hung from his chin and on top of his head rested a large cooking pot. At the site of Arthur and Jacobs he seemed taken back a little. "What are you two officers doing here?" He sounded just like any other homeless drunk.
Arthur took a step forward towards the man. "Are you Jeremy Feely, former officer of the Greenville Police Department?"
"Who's asking?"
"...I am."
"And who are you?"
"I'm officer Michael Arthur and this is my partner Tim Jacobs."
"Well I'm sorry Mr. Jacur and Mr. Timthur, but I don't need any business with any cops."
He began to close the door but Jacobs put his arm through the opening to stop him. "Please," he said. "We need to know about the Banana Man."
The man's eyes went wide with fear then. "No siree I ain't talkin' bout no Banana Man I don't know no Banana Man so I sure as hell ain't gonna talk 'bout him so you'd better just get your cop car and yourselves outta here."
"Sir," Arthur said strongly, "we think this Banana Man may be the man behind a long list of murders, and we need to take him down before he kills again. You're the only one who can help us do that. Now are you or are you not former Officer Jeremy Feely?"
After a moments silence the man responded. "I am. Come inside."
Arthur and Jacobs followed Feely into the barren room on the other side of the door. The entire place was in shambles, consisting of empty bottles of beer lying across the room and dirty old clothes sticking to the wall. Feely sat down on the floor and motioned for them to follow suit.
"Why do you want to ask me about the Banana Man?"
"We've read your diary entry about him," Jacobs said. "Your description of his actions seems very similar to the actions taken during these cases."
"Listen, I don't even know if there really is a Banana Man okay? I was delirious when I wrote that entry. It was all just made up."
Arthur looked Feely over carefully. He could tell by the dark circles under his eyes that he wasn't getting much sleep, and it probably wasn't due to his drinking. "Been having nightmares Feely?"
Feely quickly shook his head in a forceful way. But Arthur wasn't a fool. He didn't go through 15 years of being a cop to be fooled by a regular drunk. Deep inside Feely's eyes, Arthur could see the nightmares replaying themselves over and over again. "I know you've been having dreams about the Banana Man, and we can help you stop them. All you need to do is tell us more about him, and more about what you saw."
Feely stood his ground for as long as he could, but that wasn't very long. He soon responded. "OK. I will tell you everything."
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Later that night David McCoy made his way to the front door of his shop to answer whoever had been pounding on it for the last five minutes. "Jesus, can't a guy just take a shit?" When he opened the door, he expected Henry Mitchell to be there, ready with the money he owed for the 500 bananas he so desperately needed one day. But it wasn't Henry that he saw at the front door. It was a man wearing a banana costume.
"Uh...can I help you?"
The Banana Man grabbed David by the throat and flung him back into a pile of oranges. After locking the door and closing the blinds he made his way towards David. "I'm very disappointed in you David. What kind of grocery man handles his bananas with such carelessness?"
"I-I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Oh yes you do David, you know very well what I'm talking about. Did you ever think of what that banana that you threw away, half-eaten, had to go through? Did you ever think about how it probably rotted at the bottom of your trashcan, becoming useless to all? Such a waste of a great fruit. I could have finished that banana for you David. It would have given me power and strength, and the enjoyable sensation of the sweet fibers touching my tongue in a way that nothing else could. Now you shall pay for your foolishness."
The Banana Man took out two bananas from his pockets and began bludgeoning David over the head with them. After beating him to death, the Banana Man pulled down David's trousers and shoved both bananas up his butt. "Bananas can help even in death David. May the bananas lodged in your rectum forgive your evil deeds." Leaving David lying in a heap on the floor, The Banana Man made his way towards the front door to leave when something struck him in the back of the head. He quickly turned around to find a walnut lying on the floor and two midgets standing in the corner of the store.
"You..." one of them said. "You killed him!"
The Banana Man smiled and walked towards them, enjoying every second as he watched the two men cringe slightly as he approached. "Yes, I have killed him. And now you are next."
The two midget-men searched wildly about for anything to fight The Banana Man with but found nothing. They were now face to face with this insane murderer and could only imagine what horrible things this man would do to them.
The Banana Man straightened himself and began to recite a poem he wrote and occasionally recited before murdering someone.
"Banana Man, Banana Man, he likes to eat bananas. Banana Man, Banana Man, open your anus wide so he can stick his bananas in it and you shall die."
One of the men almost laughed aloud at the horrible poem. After fighting to contain himself he finally spoke. "Dude. No offense man, but that poem really blew."
"What??!?! How dare you insult my writing skills?!" If there was one thing The Banana Man hated as much as people making fun of bananas, it was people making fun of his poem. He had spent almost two, long, hard, minutes working on that poem! In his mind it was a poem similar to one that even the great Shakespeare would write. "For that, I shall stick THREE bananas inside you!"
As he moved towards him the other man intervened and pleaded with The Banana Man not to kill them. "Please, don't kill us. We're nothing but poor employees at this poor store. In truth, I too hated David. I never liked how he never ordered walnuts. He would order apples and grapes and all other types of fruits, but he would never order walnuts, a great, nutritious nut."
The Banana Man eyed the man carefully. "I too like walnuts. In fact, it is my second favorite thing to eat, next to bananas."
"We can help you," the other man said. "We can help you on whatever mission you have. We have always wanted to spread the word of the walnut anyway."
It was not normal of The Banana Man to side with his victims, but something about the two men made him feel pity for them. He knew very well what it was like for humans to disregard the wonderful nature of his favorite food. So, after thinking for a few moments, The Banana Man decided that it was finally time to have sidekicks to help him on his quest for banana truth. "Do you have suits?"
The two men gleamed and went into the storage room behind them. In a matter of minutes they came out donning walnut suits.
"Very good," said The Banana Man. "We will be called...Banana Man and The Nut Boys."
At this, The Banana Man, now fully equipped with two menacing sidekicks, made his way towards the exit.
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Arthur and Jacobs rushed towards the front door of the grocery store. Everything that happened earlier in the day replayed in his mind. Feely was struck with a vision during the interrogation. He told them that the vision was of another murder by The Banana Man, and that it would take place at 10:00 PM that night at the local grocery store. "But it's only 9:30!" A resident of an apartment building next to the grocery store called the police department earlier to report a disturbance inside the store. After speeding through the empty streets Arthur and his partner were finally in front of the store.
But while trying to open the door, three other men burst out of it sending Arthur crashing to the ground. Though dizzy from the fall, he could make out a man in a banana suit and two other small men in some other brown suits. He didn't recall Feely saying anything about anyone else, but he knew that the man in the banana suit was the one they were after.
The Banana Man and his Nut Boys rushed to the parked car on the side of the street, but Jacobs intercepted them. He tackled The Banana Man to the ground and in the process ripped part of his suit off. Inside the suit, Jacobs could see a face that he remembered very clearly.
"...Feely?!"
The Banana Man pushed him off and ran back to the car. Arthur was now running towards them and could also see the face behind the suit. It was indeed Jeremy Feely. A myriad of thoughts began scrambling in Arthur's head, but he knew that this was no time to sort things out. He pulled out his gun and pointed at Feely. "Don't move!"
The Banana Man halted right in front of the driver's seat of his car. Slowly, he turned around to face Arthur. "Looks like you've caught up to me."
"Stop moving."
"There's no need for that...what was it...Arthur?"
The Banana Man started to reach inside the pocket of his banana suit. Though Arthur's instincts told him to shoot the man then and there, something else inside wanted to know the true story of The Banana Man that would be lost with his death. "Get your hand out of your pocket."
The Banana Man laughed. "OK. Whatever you say." At that very moment he pulled his hand out and with it a banana and in the same motion threw the banana at Arthur. The speed of the yellow fruit was incredible, and Arthur knew he would not be able to dodge it.
So he took aim and shot the banana in mid-air.
Arthur let out a sigh of relief as the destroyed banana fell to the middle of the street. The second that the peel touched the black asphalt, The Banana Man let out a cry louder than anything Arthur had ever heard. He screamed in pain into the dark skies and almost fell to his knees at the sight of his fallen banana. Arthur knew that this was his chance to apprehend him.
But before he could make even one move, one of the men dressed in a walnut suit pulled The Banana Man into the car and yelled at him to drive. After one last look at the dead banana, he started the engine and sped off down the street. Arthur and Jacobs entered their squad car, turned on the siren and chased after them.
Though incredibly insane, and dressed in a banana suit, Jeremy Feely was an excellent driver. Jacobs seemed to be thinking the same thing and spoke out. "He was a cop, after all."
"That's right," Arthur thought. Jeremy Feely, The Banana Man had been a cop. But still, none of this seemed to make sense to him. Feely pulled a hard right onto a one-way street and Arthur did the same. At the next light Feely turned right again and Arthur turned also, now gaining on him. Feely now signaled a left turn, but Arthur wasn't that dumb. Instead, The Banana Man turned right into a wide alley. Arthur braked hard and turned into the alley as well. That move caught him off guard a little and now Feely was pulling away.
The Nut Boys cheered The Banana Man on as they sped down the alleyway. The Banana Man was laughing now, because he knew that he would get away. He knew the entire city after all, and knew roads that not even those two cops knew. He laughed and laughed as the wind blasted through the window and the car reached 80 mph. Up ahead was the grocery store and The Banana Man enjoyed the site. Another victim was lying dead inside and this pleased him very much. Now the alleyway ended and Feely pulled the car left, still laughing insanely.
It was a shame Feely didn't see what he should have seen. Lying in the middle of street, a yellow object was right in the way of the car. This yellow object was a banana peel. The very same banana peel that Arthur shot in mid-air. The very same banana peel that was going to help Feely murder that night. The very same banana peel that led to Feely's demise.
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"How ironic."
Arthur and Jacobs sat in the cafeteria of the local hospital now. Arthur read silently through the report, almost laughing at the situation. "Slipping on a banana peel," he said. "It's a classic."
Arthur remembered Feely turning left in front of the grocery store, and though he could not see it, he heard the loud crash that followed. After pulling out of the alley he saw Feely's car lying on its side off on the sidewalk. Even from where Arthur was parked he could see remnants of a banana on the left tire of the car.
Now, while looking through the report, everything began to fall into place. The Banana Man was Henry Mitchell, who was originally Jeremy Feely. Feely was tormented all his life for his love of bananas. Even while working for the police, fellow officers ridiculed him. All of this led Feely to become mentally insane, and he eventually became schizophrenic. The Banana Man and Jeremy Feely were not the same persons to him. So Feely left the police and changed his name to Henry Mitchell, who would be the true identity of The Banana Man. Jeremy Feely was now just a nobody.
Arthur's mind finally felt relaxed after solving the complex case. The Banana Man was now in being watched carefully inside the hospital. His two accomplices, the two men in walnut suits, were at large now after escaping the scene of the car accident. Arthur closed the report and went over to the other side of the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. Things would be easy for him now. While watching the Ambulance take Feely away to the hospital the night before, Arthur decided that this would be the end of his career as a police officer. He served for many honorable years, and knew that the capture of the infamous Banana Man would be the best way to go.
Now, the only thing left to do was to tell Jacobs. After filling his cup with coffee he turned back to the table they were sitting at.
But Jacobs was not there.
Stunned, Arthur rushed to the table and looked around for any sight of Jacobs. Finally he looked down.
There was Jacobs lying in the fetal position on the floor...with a banana shoved halfway up his butt. He removed the banana and looked back at Jacobs; he was dead. Before Arthur could cry out, a doctor rushed up to him. Even before the doctor spoke, Arthur knew what he would say.
"The Banana Man," the doctor said. "He escaped. Two guys dressed up in walnut suits helped him get out."
Arthur slowly stood up as the doctor ran out the cafeteria. After standing in silence at the thought of Jacobs, he finally spoke. And when he did, he spoke as if the entire world were listening to his words. But in reality, he was just talking to himself. "You've escaped for now, Banana Man," he said. "But I will catch you, mark my words. And when I do finally get you..."
Arthur squeezed the banana in his hand, causing it to explode all over his face. It was the same banana that was in Jacob's rectum.
How hilarious.
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Jeremy Feely, The Banana Man, was now driving with his two sidekicks down a desert highway. He had escaped yet again, and now his lust for murder was even greater. The Banana Man knew exactly where he was going. There was one man that he longed to murder for so long, and finally he would be able to. This man was a famous man, and his death would mean worldwide respect for The Banana Man. This man thought he was a funny man, but Feely thought otherwise. Feely despised how this man ruined the name of bananas. He despised how this man exploited bananas in a horrible Hollywood movie, all just to get a few laughs from those who disrespect the name of the banana.
Now The Banana Man was going to kill him...
...he was going to kill...Woody Allen.
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