Laughing and Crashing (1646 hits)
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Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2005-07-25 10:20:02 EDT
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Entry 1
Monday, October 17 8:44 AM_________________________
My head is spinning. The alarm clock is set to talk radio, gently waking me out of my slumber. I open my bleary eyes and squint hard to try and read the small red numbers. Shapes came into focus for an instant and quickly became distorted. All I know is that I must be late for work already.
Walking to the bathroom just to splash some cold water on my face seems like an insurmountable task. As I cup my hands under the running tap the smell of stale water assaulted my nose. Damn, this city needs to do something about the fluoride in this water, just smelling it gives me a headache. My reflection stares back at me from the medicine cabinet, revealing the toll that my actions over the past few weeks have taken out on my body.
I walk gingerly; my body aches and muscles pull tight in an attempt to keep me from moving, screaming at me that they need more time to recover. Fuck them. I need to go to work. I need the money. I need the interaction. Most of all, I need the distraction.
Odysseus had a shorter voyage home than I have to work. Traffic is a nightmare and its bumper to bumper. On top of that, my nose just started to bleed. I can't believe this. I have bright crimson spots on my white button down shirt and nothing in sight to stop the bleeding. Is it pinch your nose and tilt your head forward or backward? The prospect of my own blood flowing down my throat coupled with what would be hindered sight while driving makes me decide to tilt forward. God, I hope I have something to plug my nose with as I shuffle through the contents of my wallet. Pictures and credit cards ran across my searching thumbs until I pick out a receipt from between two dollar bills. This will have to do for now.
I look like a train wreck as I finally walk into work. Co-workers eye me questionably while I make my way between the rows of cubicles like I am some sort of experiment. Will the rat find his way? Screw you, drones. You know nothing.
Tuesday, October 18 12:32 AM
__________________________
I didn't eat tonight, which probably doesn't help me sleep right now. My body is screaming at me no matter what position I wrestle myself into under the covers. First I am too hot, now I'm too cold. It looks to me like its going to be another restless night of infomercials and fleeting waves of sleep. I wish there was something I could do.
Wednesday, October 19 3:30 PM
___________________________
My boss has called me into his office for a "chat." It's rare that he actually called me on my desk phone; he usually e-mails me a memo about staff meetings or the like. I get up from my desk and once again wind my way through the maze of cubicles, feeling the eyes of the people I work with venture out of their little entry ways and follow me, wondering and waiting what is to become of me.
As I push open the glass door to my supervisor's office, he quickly gets to his feet and greets me. He shakes my hand and reaches for the blinds, letting them fall and giving me the illusion of privacy. Asking me to take a seat he assumes the customary lean of power, the one where he isn't quite sitting on the edge of his desk, but leaning ever so slightly against it to convey an image of authority but approachability.
Now the questions come. Could he tell? Was it obvious? My palms are sweaty and I rub them against the knees of my pants. He asks if I have a problem that he should be aware of, or if there is something I need to get off of my chest. He must know. He stopped talking, what is wrong? Why is he looking at me like that? I follow his gaze to the front of my shirt. My nose is bleeding again. I run my hand through my hair and come away with bits of hair stuck to my sweaty palms. He looks at me quizzically and offers me a tissue. I take it and plug my nose. He thinks its drugs, I bet. He thinks I'm a mess because of drugs. That's not it. Well, for the most part drugs aren't the problem. If anything, they are helping me deal with the problem.
Well, this isn't an after school special and he isn't a principal that I should divulge everything to so he can dole out a prefabricated moral. Fuck him. No one can help me, no matter what they think. I especially don't want help from self serving pretentious assholes like him. I don't need to be another page in his "What have you done for morale in the work place?" for the big wigs.
Thursday, October 20 6:00 PM
_________________________
The doctors say that I need to quit the cocaine. What do they know; they're not going through what I am. They aren't experiencing the pain and suffering that I am. They have done all they can to help me and it's not even close to enough. It's time for me to do what I want without some nerd from Tufts telling me what I should do. I'm twenty-eight, for crying out loud. It's not fair that I have to go through this. No one should.
Friday, October 21 10:30 PM
________________________
Tomorrow is my birthday and my friends are taking me to a local joint where we used to hang out in high school. Hopefully Johnny won't get capers this time. He didn't know they were fish and he had a bad reaction. I can't believe that place is still there. I wonder if it still has that Centipede arcade game. More importantly, I wonder if I still hold the top six high score spots.
I actually feel pretty good today, aside from the fact that I lost a poodles worth of hair in the shower. The last therapy session left me feeling alright. Who knows, maybe there is hope yet.
Saturday, October 22 4:36 PM
_________________________
It's great seeing everyone again. We all have conflicting schedules and lifestyles, so it's good to catch up all at once. Everyone is commenting about how good I look. I know they are lying, but hey, it's my birthday. The table is so full of food and everyone is regaling in prior mishaps with authority or conquests of women. I notice that over the years the stories seem to get more and more outlandish, but that is to be expected with this crowd. No one ever corrects anyone during a tall tale, no matter how many times they've heard it change or even if they were there during that particular event. We just let it fly and laugh about all the good times
The dinner is almost over and its closer to day than it is to night so everyone decides to pack it in and go home. I plead with them, begging someone to stay or to go catch a late movie. They all politely decline and tell me they will give me a call later. As they leave, I can feel my nose begin to bleed again. I quickly cover it up with my napkin and pretend I am blowing my nose.
Feeling worn out is the only way I've felt in a long time. After everyone leaves the restaurant, I hit a couple lines and decide to make the most of the rest of the evening. Who cares? Really. I'm just living the only way I can now.
Sunday, October 23 Page 6
______________________
Man Found Dead In Apartment
Peter Larkin was found dead late last night in his Spruce St. apartment. Pete was suffering from a marrow cancer and a serious cocaine addiction. The neighbor of Larkin was alarmed when he heard what he described as "thrashing" noises from Pete's apartment.
"I heard a loud jangling [from Larkin's apartment]of keys or something, like someone was trying to break in," stated Larkin neighbor Andrew Gelinski, "so I went into the hallway and saw spots [of blood] on the carpet. When I heard the thumping, I called 911"
Paramedics declared Larkin dead on arrival.
We ran into one of Pete's friend who was with him just hours before who wishes to remain nameless, but described Peter as an upbeat and fun individual. They had no idea that Pete was diagnosed with cancer and doesn't know why he would keep such a secret from his friends. They had noticed a change in Peter's demeanor the past few weeks, but had not questioned him on his apparent personal problems.
An autopsy is scheduled for later this week, and evidence cocaine and other narcotics was found in the apartment.
Peter was only twenty-eight.
- VS -
Entry 2
Michael Arthur, a cop of 15 years, sat baffled as more and more murder and rape cases piled themselves onto his desk. Exhaustion was beginning to take control of the veteran cop due to the past 3 months of continuous work with no avail. He just couldn't find any link between the cases, though he knew it must have been the same person. What made the job even more peculiar was the fact that each victim was found to have high amounts of potassium in their bodies at the time of death. Arthur couldn't figure it out.The door to his office creaked open and his new partner, Tim Jacobs, poked his head through the opening. Tim was only 20, a college dropout. Though Arthur found it hard to level with him, there was no doubt that Jacobs was a fine officer. "Sir," Jacobs said, "we have another case."
Arthur leaned back in his chair and sighed heavily. "I don't think I can take this anymore. It's just too much work."
"I understand sir, but we've found something in this case that might interest you."
"I'm listening."
"Take a look at this picture."
Jacobs handed Arthur a picture of the dead victim. Arthur scanned the photo for anything odd, but could find nothing of interest. "I don't see anything other than this dead body."
"Look at what is in his hand sir."
Arthur's eyes scanned down the photo to the victim's hand. What he saw almost gave him a chuckle. "A banana? What the hell does a banana have to do with-" Suddenly a revelation came to him. Bananas. He quickly thought back to the investigations of each case. Most of the potassium in each body was found in the mouth. And what do you put in your mouth that contains high amounts of potassium?
Bananas.
Arthur quickly shook the idea. Sure, you put bananas in your mouth, but what about your anus? Many of the rape cases found high amounts of potassium in the anuses of those who were raped.
"Oh I forget to tell you," Jacobs said. "They found a piece of a banana in the rectum of the last rape victim."
"By god," Arthur thought. He could barely believe what he was thinking. Could the myths be true? Could there really be a murderer such as this? Could there be a..."Banana Man," Arthur said coldly.
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"Look, I know you've been under a lot of pressure lately, but we really need the money."
Henry Mitchell's hand almost urged him to put down the phone, but something inside didn't let him. Mitchell was the Banana Man...the cold-blooded killer on a mission to spread the word of the banana. He never liked how people disrespected the awesome power of a banana, quite possibly the most nutritious fruit on the planet. Ever since he was a child, schoolmates would pick on him for eating so many bananas. They called him "banana eater" and "monkey" and many other unkind names. Henry would go back to his home made of bananas and cry for days. "Why don't they like bananas?" he would ask himself. "They taste so good, and they are so healthy! Why must they make fun of me like this??" Even as an adult, his colleagues would frequently insult his banana-eating ways behind his back. This angered Henry very much.
So Henry decided that he would never put up with anyone's mockery of the banana ever again, for he would become the Banana Man. Anyone who harmed the banana or was ignorant to the banana would pay dearly. As Henry stayed on the phone with David McCoy, the owner of a local grocery store, he could only think of how he had once seen David throw away a half eaten banana, calling it disgusting. Disgusting? David McCoy was the disgusting one, not the banana. A banana could never be disgusting.
"Henry? Henry are you there?"
Franks voice brought Henry out of his thoughts. "Yea, I'm here," he said. "OK listen, how about if I come down to the store tonight and pay you everything I owe you?"
"That'll be fine. Take it easy buddy."
"Yes...I will take it easy...once I avenge that fallen banana."
"What?"
"Oh! Nothing, nothing. Goodbye."
After hanging up the phone Henry went to his closet. After rummaging through the pile of dirty clothes on the floor, he found the yellow costume he was looking for.
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Arthur and Jacobs were now in the documents room of the police department. For hours now they had been searching for any information on the Banana Man. Now, as Jacobs flew through the pages of "Police Diaries" he called Arthur over to look at something. "I think this may be referencing the Banana Man," he said.
Arthur came up behind him and began to read the information Jacobs pointed out.
*********************************
April 18th, 1992.
I have been having very odd dreams for a long time now. It seems that every one of them involves a murder or a rape, but they aren't just any murder or rape. In each dream I have been seeing from the viewpoint of the victim. What makes it worse is that every time I wake up after a rape dream, my ass hurts like a bitch. I think I may be having these dreams because I've been eating more peanut butter lately, I can't really think of any other reason. But then again I did see a guy dressed up as a Jesus on the street the other day. He said that from now on I would see into the future in my dreams. But that couldn't be why I'm seeing these crazy things in my dreams. Nope, couldn't possibly be it.
Besides, I don't know if I'm seeing into the future, of if I'm seeing something that has already happened. Anyway, as I was saying, these dreams have been haunting me for months now, but last night I had the clearest dream I've ever had. I saw a man dressed up in a big yellow suit, a banana suit I think. He started saying something about how disrespecting bananas was ignorant and then he started pummeling me with the bananas he had in his hand. After that he started shoving them in my mouth so I would choke to death. Unfortunately, I didn't die then, so he started shoving bananas up my butt. Then I died.
I don't know if I should go see help for this or not, but for some reason I think that these dreams are real. I think they have either happened before, or they are going to happen. There is just this feeling in my gut that this is all real...or maybe it's just those bananas that went up my anus and into my stomach...
- Officer Jeremy Feely
*********************************
"Jacobs," Arthur said slowly. "Go find the address of this Jeremy Feely. He may be the key to solving this mystery.
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Henry donned his banana costume and went into the next room to pray in front of his large pile of bananas. The pile reached the ceiling and was about as wide as Henry could stretch his arms out. He knelt down in front of the bananas and began to chant.
"Bananas, tasty, bananas, healthy, bananas, soft, bananas, yellow, bananas, friend."
After repeating this chant 50 times he stood up and began to undergo the selection process. "Which bananas will help me tonight?" he thought. Carefully he looked through the pile for any bananas that stood out. That day he was in the mood for bananas with spots on them so he made his way to the back of the pile. There he saw many bananas with spots on them. All he had to do now was fine the perfect spot to banana ratio and those were the bananas he would use.
For 10 minutes he searched until finally selecting the bananas that would help him murder someone that night.
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"This is the address, 51 Hanes Avenue."
Arthur looked at the house they just stopped in front of. It was so banged up it looked as if a hurricane went through it. Nevertheless, he and Jacobs got out of the car and knocked on the front door. They could hear a loud banging inside that sounded like pots and pans being knocked over. Arthur prepared to knock again when the door opened.
A ragged old man showed himself in the doorway. He was wearing torn up old jeans and a shirt that was two sizes too small. A full-grown beard hung from his chin and on top of his head rested a large cooking pot. At the site of Arthur and Jacobs he seemed taken back a little. "What are you two officers doing here?" He sounded just like any other homeless drunk.
Arthur took a step forward towards the man. "Are you Jeremy Feely, former officer of the Greenville Police Department?"
"Who's asking?"
"...I am."
"And who are you?"
"I'm officer Michael Arthur and this is my partner Tim Jacobs."
"Well I'm sorry Mr. Jacur and Mr. Timthur, but I don't need any business with any cops."
He began to close the door but Jacobs put his arm through the opening to stop him. "Please," he said. "We need to know about the Banana Man."
The man's eyes went wide with fear then. "No siree I ain't talkin' bout no Banana Man I don't know no Banana Man so I sure as hell ain't gonna talk 'bout him so you'd better just get your cop car and yourselves outta here."
"Sir," Arthur said strongly, "we think this Banana Man may be the man behind a long list of murders, and we need to take him down before he kills again. You're the only one who can help us do that. Now are you or are you not former Officer Jeremy Feely?"
After a moments silence the man responded. "I am. Come inside."
Arthur and Jacobs followed Feely into the barren room on the other side of the door. The entire place was in shambles, consisting of empty bottles of beer lying across the room and dirty old clothes sticking to the wall. Feely sat down on the floor and motioned for them to follow suit.
"Why do you want to ask me about the Banana Man?"
"We've read your diary entry about him," Jacobs said. "Your description of his actions seems very similar to the actions taken during these cases."
"Listen, I don't even know if there really is a Banana Man okay? I was delirious when I wrote that entry. It was all just made up."
Arthur looked Feely over carefully. He could tell by the dark circles under his eyes that he wasn't getting much sleep, and it probably wasn't due to his drinking. "Been having nightmares Feely?"
Feely quickly shook his head in a forceful way. But Arthur wasn't a fool. He didn't go through 15 years of being a cop to be fooled by a regular drunk. Deep inside Feely's eyes, Arthur could see the nightmares replaying themselves over and over again. "I know you've been having dreams about the Banana Man, and we can help you stop them. All you need to do is tell us more about him, and more about what you saw."
Feely stood his ground for as long as he could, but that wasn't very long. He soon responded. "OK. I will tell you everything."
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Later that night David McCoy made his way to the front door of his shop to answer whoever had been pounding on it for the last five minutes. "Jesus, can't a guy just take a shit?" When he opened the door, he expected Henry Mitchell to be there, ready with the money he owed for the 500 bananas he so desperately needed one day. But it wasn't Henry that he saw at the front door. It was a man wearing a banana costume.
"Uh...can I help you?"
The Banana Man grabbed David by the throat and flung him back into a pile of oranges. After locking the door and closing the blinds he made his way towards David. "I'm very disappointed in you David. What kind of grocery man handles his bananas with such carelessness?"
"I-I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Oh yes you do David, you know very well what I'm talking about. Did you ever think of what that banana that you threw away, half-eaten, had to go through? Did you ever think about how it probably rotted at the bottom of your trashcan, becoming useless to all? Such a waste of a great fruit. I could have finished that banana for you David. It would have given me power and strength, and the enjoyable sensation of the sweet fibers touching my tongue in a way that nothing else could. Now you shall pay for your foolishness."
The Banana Man took out two bananas from his pockets and began bludgeoning David over the head with them. After beating him to death, the Banana Man pulled down David's trousers and shoved both bananas up his butt. "Bananas can help even in death David. May the bananas lodged in your rectum forgive your evil deeds." Leaving David lying in a heap on the floor, The Banana Man made his way towards the front door to leave when something struck him in the back of the head. He quickly turned around to find a walnut lying on the floor and two midgets standing in the corner of the store.
"You..." one of them said. "You killed him!"
The Banana Man smiled and walked towards them, enjoying every second as he watched the two men cringe slightly as he approached. "Yes, I have killed him. And now you are next."
The two midget-men searched wildly about for anything to fight The Banana Man with but found nothing. They were now face to face with this insane murderer and could only imagine what horrible things this man would do to them.
The Banana Man straightened himself and began to recite a poem he wrote and occasionally recited before murdering someone.
"Banana Man, Banana Man, he likes to eat bananas. Banana Man, Banana Man, open your anus wide so he can stick his bananas in it and you shall die."
One of the men almost laughed aloud at the horrible poem. After fighting to contain himself he finally spoke. "Dude. No offense man, but that poem really blew."
"What??!?! How dare you insult my writing skills?!" If there was one thing The Banana Man hated as much as people making fun of bananas, it was people making fun of his poem. He had spent almost two, long, hard, minutes working on that poem! In his mind it was a poem similar to one that even the great Shakespeare would write. "For that, I shall stick THREE bananas inside you!"
As he moved towards him the other man intervened and pleaded with The Banana Man not to kill them. "Please, don't kill us. We're nothing but poor employees at this poor store. In truth, I too hated David. I never liked how he never ordered walnuts. He would order apples and grapes and all other types of fruits, but he would never order walnuts, a great, nutritious nut."
The Banana Man eyed the man carefully. "I too like walnuts. In fact, it is my second favorite thing to eat, next to bananas."
"We can help you," the other man said. "We can help you on whatever mission you have. We have always wanted to spread the word of the walnut anyway."
It was not normal of The Banana Man to side with his victims, but something about the two men made him feel pity for them. He knew very well what it was like for humans to disregard the wonderful nature of his favorite food. So, after thinking for a few moments, The Banana Man decided that it was finally time to have sidekicks to help him on his quest for banana truth. "Do you have suits?"
The two men gleamed and went into the storage room behind them. In a matter of minutes they came out donning walnut suits.
"Very good," said The Banana Man. "We will be called...Banana Man and The Nut Boys."
At this, The Banana Man, now fully equipped with two menacing sidekicks, made his way towards the exit.
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Arthur and Jacobs rushed towards the front door of the grocery store. Everything that happened earlier in the day replayed in his mind. Feely was struck with a vision during the interrogation. He told them that the vision was of another murder by The Banana Man, and that it would take place at 10:00 PM that night at the local grocery store. "But it's only 9:30!" A resident of an apartment building next to the grocery store called the police department earlier to report a disturbance inside the store. After speeding through the empty streets Arthur and his partner were finally in front of the store.
But while trying to open the door, three other men burst out of it sending Arthur crashing to the ground. Though dizzy from the fall, he could make out a man in a banana suit and two other small men in some other brown suits. He didn't recall Feely saying anything about anyone else, but he knew that the man in the banana suit was the one they were after.
The Banana Man and his Nut Boys rushed to the parked car on the side of the street, but Jacobs intercepted them. He tackled The Banana Man to the ground and in the process ripped part of his suit off. Inside the suit, Jacobs could see a face that he remembered very clearly.
"...Feely?!"
The Banana Man pushed him off and ran back to the car. Arthur was now running towards them and could also see the face behind the suit. It was indeed Jeremy Feely. A myriad of thoughts began scrambling in Arthur's head, but he knew that this was no time to sort things out. He pulled out his gun and pointed at Feely. "Don't move!"
The Banana Man halted right in front of the driver's seat of his car. Slowly, he turned around to face Arthur. "Looks like you've caught up to me."
"Stop moving."
"There's no need for that...what was it...Arthur?"
The Banana Man started to reach inside the pocket of his banana suit. Though Arthur's instincts told him to shoot the man then and there, something else inside wanted to know the true story of The Banana Man that would be lost with his death. "Get your hand out of your pocket."
The Banana Man laughed. "OK. Whatever you say." At that very moment he pulled his hand out and with it a banana and in the same motion threw the banana at Arthur. The speed of the yellow fruit was incredible, and Arthur knew he would not be able to dodge it.
So he took aim and shot the banana in mid-air.
Arthur let out a sigh of relief as the destroyed banana fell to the middle of the street. The second that the peel touched the black asphalt, The Banana Man let out a cry louder than anything Arthur had ever heard. He screamed in pain into the dark skies and almost fell to his knees at the sight of his fallen banana. Arthur knew that this was his chance to apprehend him.
But before he could make even one move, one of the men dressed in a walnut suit pulled The Banana Man into the car and yelled at him to drive. After one last look at the dead banana, he started the engine and sped off down the street. Arthur and Jacobs entered their squad car, turned on the siren and chased after them.
Though incredibly insane, and dressed in a banana suit, Jeremy Feely was an excellent driver. Jacobs seemed to be thinking the same thing and spoke out. "He was a cop, after all."
"That's right," Arthur thought. Jeremy Feely, The Banana Man had been a cop. But still, none of this seemed to make sense to him. Feely pulled a hard right onto a one-way street and Arthur did the same. At the next light Feely turned right again and Arthur turned also, now gaining on him. Feely now signaled a left turn, but Arthur wasn't that dumb. Instead, The Banana Man turned right into a wide alley. Arthur braked hard and turned into the alley as well. That move caught him off guard a little and now Feely was pulling away.
The Nut Boys cheered The Banana Man on as they sped down the alleyway. The Banana Man was laughing now, because he knew that he would get away. He knew the entire city after all, and knew roads that not even those two cops knew. He laughed and laughed as the wind blasted through the window and the car reached 80 mph. Up ahead was the grocery store and The Banana Man enjoyed the site. Another victim was lying dead inside and this pleased him very much. Now the alleyway ended and Feely pulled the car left, still laughing insanely.
It was a shame Feely didn't see what he should have seen. Lying in the middle of street, a yellow object was right in the way of the car. This yellow object was a banana peel. The very same banana peel that Arthur shot in mid-air. The very same banana peel that was going to help Feely murder that night. The very same banana peel that led to Feely's demise.
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"How ironic."
Arthur and Jacobs sat in the cafeteria of the local hospital now. Arthur read silently through the report, almost laughing at the situation. "Slipping on a banana peel," he said. "It's a classic."
Arthur remembered Feely turning left in front of the grocery store, and though he could not see it, he heard the loud crash that followed. After pulling out of the alley he saw Feely's car lying on its side off on the sidewalk. Even from where Arthur was parked he could see remnants of a banana on the left tire of the car.
Now, while looking through the report, everything began to fall into place. The Banana Man was Henry Mitchell, who was originally Jeremy Feely. Feely was tormented all his life for his love of bananas. Even while working for the police, fellow officers ridiculed him. All of this led Feely to become mentally insane, and he eventually became schizophrenic. The Banana Man and Jeremy Feely were not the same persons to him. So Feely left the police and changed his name to Henry Mitchell, who would be the true identity of The Banana Man. Jeremy Feely was now just a nobody.
Arthur's mind finally felt relaxed after solving the complex case. The Banana Man was now in being watched carefully inside the hospital. His two accomplices, the two men in walnut suits, were at large now after escaping the scene of the car accident. Arthur closed the report and went over to the other side of the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. Things would be easy for him now. While watching the Ambulance take Feely away to the hospital the night before, Arthur decided that this would be the end of his career as a police officer. He served for many honorable years, and knew that the capture of the infamous Banana Man would be the best way to go.
Now, the only thing left to do was to tell Jacobs. After filling his cup with coffee he turned back to the table they were sitting at.
But Jacobs was not there.
Stunned, Arthur rushed to the table and looked around for any sight of Jacobs. Finally he looked down.
There was Jacobs lying in the fetal position on the floor...with a banana shoved halfway up his butt. He removed the banana and looked back at Jacobs; he was dead. Before Arthur could cry out, a doctor rushed up to him. Even before the doctor spoke, Arthur knew what he would say.
"The Banana Man," the doctor said. "He escaped. Two guys dressed up in walnut suits helped him get out."
Arthur slowly stood up as the doctor ran out the cafeteria. After standing in silence at the thought of Jacobs, he finally spoke. And when he did, he spoke as if the entire world were listening to his words. But in reality, he was just talking to himself. "You've escaped for now, Banana Man," he said. "But I will catch you, mark my words. And when I do finally get you..."
Arthur squeezed the banana in his hand, causing it to explode all over his face. It was the same banana that was in Jacob's rectum.
How hilarious.
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Jeremy Feely, The Banana Man, was now driving with his two sidekicks down a desert highway. He had escaped yet again, and now his lust for murder was even greater. The Banana Man knew exactly where he was going. There was one man that he longed to murder for so long, and finally he would be able to. This man was a famous man, and his death would mean worldwide respect for The Banana Man. This man thought he was a funny man, but Feely thought otherwise. Feely despised how this man ruined the name of bananas. He despised how this man exploited bananas in a horrible Hollywood movie, all just to get a few laughs from those who disrespect the name of the banana.
Now The Banana Man was going to kill him...
...he was going to kill...Woody Allen.
Entry 1:
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Entry 2:
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33 eligible votes (38 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-29 18:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OMG sooo long #2 but definitly worth reading
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-29 09:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's ok Donkey. I accidentally clicked on the wrong entry when I voted, so I guess it's my fault.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-28 22:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't expect to move on. SG, even if you had voted for yourself, I had the tie breaker. I'm feel like a scumbag voting for myself now, but hey, there is always chicken fries.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-28 22:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe this was THAT close. Wow.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-28 22:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It does Zak. It really does.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-28 19:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
losing by 1 vote, and it is your own. damn that must hurt.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-28 13:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck Darko wins!
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-28 12:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job Donkey. You had better win it all.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-28 09:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-28 08:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked both
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-28 08:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2005-07-28 04:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number 2 was the single most random post in the contest.
Yay for number 2!
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-07-28 00:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-28 00:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious, #2.
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2005-07-27 23:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-07-27 19:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghey (user info) at 2005-07-27 18:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Better then the "Bananaman"
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-27 17:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh... wtf? All I know is you got my vote, you frickin' psycho.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-07-27 14:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Im sorry, entry two was creative, yet at the same time it bored me to tears.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-27 13:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 is the longest post in creation, but Entry 1 didn't quite do it for me.
Plus, entry 2 had this: "They found a piece of a banana in the rectum of the last rape victim."
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-27 12:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-07-27 08:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-07-27 02:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-07-26 17:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-07-26 17:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-26 14:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-07-26 13:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck this, I'm not reading all that...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, the banana thing had it's funny moments...but the joke went on too long, in my opinion.
Entry 1 was decent...kind of reminded me of Fight Club except the lead character had cancer instead of an addiction to getting beaten up. I would have liked to have seen us get more inside the narrator's head.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-07-26 07:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-26 03:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Could only get half way through number 2. Sorry.
That said #1 was pretty good.
-Dave
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-07-26 02:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked #1
I tried so hard to get into #2, but I just couldn't.
Sorry
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-07-26 01:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed until I cried at 2
Submitted by i_walk_alone (user info) at 2005-07-25 22:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eh
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-25 21:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ugh.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-25 21:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rushtawin (user info) at 2005-07-25 21:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2005-07-25 21:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-25 20:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry.
Killing Woody Allen is a no-no.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-25 19:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, Banana Man ain't no Keyser Soze, but it was an amusing romp....
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck Darko?
#2.....by a peel
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by OnEdge (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hated the lame, cliche ending of #1. Really, just horrible.
#2 was...different. I kinda got the feeling it was written by an 8-year-old who had spent a little too much time around his perverted uncle. Had that same sorta, "Matter of fact, nothing to the imagination" bluntness that only little children seem to possess.
But the picture was fucking funny. So Entry 2 it is.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DickMcFeelyNuts (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These both kinda sucked.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHAT!?!?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!
#1 gets it. Easy. Kinda routine, but a very good attempt at getting us into this guy's life.
#2, you gotta be fucking kidding. Banana man? FUCK! Too many worsd telling too little story. Too much setup, not enough punchline. Get lost before somebody peels your banana and crushes your nuts.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!!!!!!!! And number 2 I did read yours, but saw nothing to overcome the filename greatness that is number 1.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
CRAP! Both of them.
But October 24th is my birthday, and #1 was one day away. #2 was just long and dumb.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was funny in places but didn't do it for me overall.
#1 was well written but I'm really not sure what the point of the story was.
Coin toss on this one I'm afraid.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHA
oh man that was classic #2. I used to love that show.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2005-07-25 11:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-25 11:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-25 11:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 11:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 sucked me in.
(I do like banana man though).
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The second one was funny, yes, but the first one gave me chills.
I like writing that makes me feel, and the first one did.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Against all fibers of my being I am voting for the least comedic one.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry one read like the afterschool special its protagonist hated.
The writer of entry two is on drugs. I've never been more confident of anything. Ever.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really wanted to vote for #2, but something kept me from doing so...
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 has me very conflicted. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I can't not vote for it, though.