Anecdotal Hilarity - MyNameIsTim's Drunken Saturday night. (Plus a Camwhore) (2193 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.55 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by krissi (View user info) at 2005-07-25 11:59:22 EDT
This is my account of MyNameIsTim's Saturday night (and Sunday morning). I must say, I had the best weekend, and I can't remember the last time I laughed that damn hard for the whole weekend. So, here it is: a top 10 countdown of Tim's best moments.
10. "Hey, can you drive down the shore? I'm still drunk" Tim and I planned to go down the shore on Sunday morning. After repeatedly telling me to be at his house to go at 9, I'm there - more or less on time (I always underestimate the time it takes to apply all the sun-block in the world to my skin). I call Tim at 8:50 to realize that he hasn't even gotten out of bed yet. I get there and he proceeds to tell me that he is still drunk from the previous night. You know what? I believe it. After all of the alcohol he drank the previous night, I'm not one bit shocked that he feels as though the alcohol in his bloodstream has been metabolized. He drank a lot and passed out at 1:30, but that's part of another number.
9. "When we go home, we are going to engage in sexual relations." Tim loudly proclaims this, out of absolutely nowhere with no application to any of the simultaneous conversations that are going on around him. This is said so loudly that everyone looks at the two of us.
8. "No, I'm going to buy you a lap dance." Tim was horribly determined to get me, a strip club virgin until Saturday night, my first lap dance. However, I'm completely sober, and feel a little awkward even being in a strip club. After it is finally established that I will not be having a lap dance, he proceeds to continue to shove his money into my hands to give to the strippers. This proceeds to only make me feel more awkward to be there, even though I was having a great night. I was just too sober for all the attention I was supposed to be paying to the very scantily clad girls. (Yay for being responsible enough to be the designated driver - boo to having to be sober to be responsible)
7. "I smell watermelon bubbalicious, and I want a piece." Tim smells one of the strippers (ahem, whores) bubble gum from like 10 feet away, and decides to try to flag her down with all his fury. He looks like an air traffic controller and I have never wished to have those damn light-up wands more in my life. It was just a funny sight. Maybe she didn't respond because he continually shouted "WHORE!" in order to get her attention. He stopped trying after a minute to get her attention though.
6. "Can I have the keys to your car? I want to go pass out." At 12 or so, Tim decided he had too much and that he needed a nap to revive himself for the sexual relations we're apparently going to have when we get back to his house. I resist the urge to make a Bill Clinton joke, and give him the combination to my car. He walks out the door to go to my car, and 5 minutes later returns asking me if the combination he's been trying is the right one. It can't possibly be farther from what I told him it was. Second attempt at going outside, he gets the code right and falls asleep for 35 seconds before the group leaves the club and gets into my car.
5. "I will give you an extra dollar if you let me throw this balled up dollar from here into your panties." I don't think this really needs explanation, but Tim decides he wants to play basketball with the stripper's underpants (or lack thereof). The first stripper he manages to flag down (with more energy exerted in flagging her down than he had expended in trying to get himself a piece of gum) refuses. The look on her face shows that she is slightly horrified, confused and embarrassed all at the same time. The second stripper accepts, and after three unsuccessful shots at her panties, she gets to walk away with a few extra crumpled up dollars and an extra dollar for being a good sport.
4. "Fuck, for that price, give me another 8." The club had half-price shots. When the bartender told Tim that the first 8 shots he ordered were only $16, he ordered 8 more because it was too good of a deal to pass up. He drinks about 8 of that order, and 4 of another order of shots and always has a beer in his hand. So, I'd tally his drinking to about 12 shots of Jägermeister and about 8 beers, most likely more.
3. "Acchhhhhghghghhh pschewwww" (That's my way of phonetically spelling a snore.) Tim went to take another nap when we got home from the bar, so I went downstairs and cleaned his kitchen to occupy myself before I go to wake him up. I have a tendency to clean... at all times. So, I finish cleaning the kitchen, and I go to check on Tim's nap. I try to push his door open and it's blocked by something. After a loud snore, I realize the something is Tim in his desk chair. I manage to finally push the door open to find Tim completely ass naked in his chair. I try to wake him up. Unresponsive. I try again. He moved and tips his chair completely over backwards, cracking his head into the wall. He wakes up, completely confused but pretends he's completely sober. I help him up, and we get into bed, which leads to number 2. (Later we realize he had gotten up to go to the bathroom, but he didn't actually go to the bathroom. He peed on his floor in front of his computer and a little on his keyboard.)
2. "I don't feel like doing any work." Tim and I start making out once we get into his bed. All of a sudden, he stops me to say, "Wait, I'm drunk and tired. I don't want to do any work." Confused, I reply, "So, you want me to go home?" "No, stay, I want to keep hooking up, I just don't want to do any work." I kiss him once or twice more before he tells me he wants me to spoon him and cuddle.
1. "... It's like the California Gold Rush." So, at this point of the night, he's ready to pass out, and I'm still a little, well, horny. So I start fooling around with him with me obviously doing the work. Tim then busts out with the most hilarious analogy I've ever heard. "No. See, it's like the California Gold Rush. You can't just fly to California. You need to start in New York *rubs his chest* and cross the Midwest *rubs his stomach* before you can reach California, climbing mountains and forging rivers and shit" So, I start to do so, and then he falls asleep during it. I then go home and promptly pass out.
For prosperity, I'm including a camwhore of the two of us down the shore.
User Reviews
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-11-10 00:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good thing we broke up then.
Submitted by randomhero83 (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Your children would make the baby Jeebus cry.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're very ugly.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-04 14:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like dthis one
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-01 17:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a better retelling of the weekend's events. Sounds like good times.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-08-01 01:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he didn't challenge you to shoot some hoops.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-28 20:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:02:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Any story about Tim being drunk automatically gets a +2 from me.
And, you guys look cute together.
Can I get a big, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-07-26 18:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see that you are still a hot redhead, PLUS FUCKING 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-26 00:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh, funny post.
I also appreciate the title for the picture. Most impressive bull-unit.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-25 19:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That _was_ pretty entertaining...I liked it.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Tim...
All that hard work has paid off. You're looking good!!
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Redheads rule!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummm..... Twas a joke, dear.
It's an Uberhookup, eventually there MUST be children...
BartBart read that from the innards of a goose before he made Ubersite. Don't you the history?
:-)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Acchhhhhghghghhh pschewwww"
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That had me laughing my ass off.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
P.S. There's absolutely no chance that I am pregnant.
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yeah, we know. Tim passed out long before you hit California...or was Mexico your final destination?
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:51:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, uh... When is the kid due?
KIDDING!
...or am I?
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Yikes, with all the booze I usually drink (my sobriety is a rarity)... I hope to god I'm not pregnant. Well, that and I hope I don't look pregnant. Yikes.
P.S. There's absolutely no chance that I am pregnant.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck it, i laughed.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, uh... When is the kid due?
KIDDING!
...or am I?
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I can't remember inappropriateness the first time we met, then, um... it didn't happen. Or something.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
although i did say a few innapropriate things the first time we met, i think.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:18:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I need a Uber girlfriend.
Sounds like all I need to do is get drunk, say inappropriate things, take them to a strip club and I'm in.
Doesn't sound too hard
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I don't just like Tim for saying inappropriate things, or taking me to a strip club... I like him cause he's actually a sweet guy and very funny.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I need a Uber girlfriend.
Sounds like all I need to do is get drunk, say inappropriate things, take them to a strip club and I'm in.
Doesn't sound too hard
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry CookieLass. *hangs head* This is what happens when I rush out of excitement for posting.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:25:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:17:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone paler than me....is it possible?
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Yes. I think it's official, I'm the palest person ever.
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I guess I do at least get monitor tan from the 4 computers smashed in my cube with me.....
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Posterity, honey. You're posting the picture for posterity. Not prosperity.
pos·ter·i·ty Audio pronunciation of "posterity" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (p-str-t)
n.
1. Future generations: "Everything he writes is consigned to posterity" (Joyce Carol Oates).
2. All of a person's descendants.
vs.
prosperity
n 1: an economic state of growth with rising profits and full employment
2: the condition of prospering; having good fortune [syn: successfulness]
I'll shut up now.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:26:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Does Timmy still tip the scales between 280-290?
Looks thinner than he did in Vegas.
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still weighing around 290. but i've been lifting and biking very heavily since vegas. thanks for the comp'liment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:37:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, Timmy got hammered again. Big surprise.
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glad you e njoyed :)
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:37:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim rules.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does Timmy still tip the scales between 280-290?
Looks thinner than he did in Vegas.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:02:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Any story about Tim being drunk automatically gets a +2 from me.
And, you guys look cute together.
Can I get a big, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
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Haha. Thanks. :^D
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 camwhore.
I thought people only used the phrase 'sexual relations' on the TV.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, Timmy got hammered again. Big surprise.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim rules.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:07:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:03:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
So now that you and Timmah have hooked up, he's relinquishing all his rights to Nicole, right?
He knows what I'm talking about...
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NEVAR!!!!
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GOD DAMN IT YOU CAN'T CLAIM ALL THE CUTE ONES!!!!
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:17:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone paler than me....is it possible?
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Yes. I think it's official, I'm the palest person ever. I refer you to http://www.ubersite.com/m/70592 :) mmm. linkwhorage.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i got the shirt in spain, from a street vendor in salamanca
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is such a badass shirt! Ask Tim where he got it!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MOOB ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I still see a little of Tim's juices on your lips...
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone paler than me....is it possible?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahha
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's so hard for me to +2 anything with a red sox logo on it.
but tim is the shit.....so, yeah.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing. Many people now wish they were Tim, I'm sure.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So are you two the next Uber couple? I must have missed this somehow.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:07:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:03:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
So now that you and Timmah have hooked up, he's relinquishing all his rights to Nicole, right?
He knows what I'm talking about...
----------------
NEVAR!!!!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love myself.
the best part, is when i had 8 shots in front of me, this kid tony says, "you won't do three shots of jager in a row!"
i reply, "you're right, i'll do 4!" and proceed to devistate 4 back to back to back to back shots of jager. i was going to go for all 8, but my sweet roommate stopped me.
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave him and come to me. I need someone who is horney and likes to clean and goes to strip clubs and thinks it is cute when I am drunk and beligerant.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't let him impregnate you and next time find a more responsive and less wankered toy.
Happy fucking.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!HAIRY BUSH ALERT! HAIRY BUSH ALERT!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So now that you and Timmah have hooked up, he's relinquishing all his rights to Nicole, right?
He knows what I'm talking about...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any story about Tim being drunk automatically gets a +2 from me.
And, you guys look cute together.
Can I get a big, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this, but I definitely think you two need to fuck immediately and have drunken little Irish babies