NSFW: I hope you find it... (2061 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.04 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Raine Lark (View user info) at 2005-07-25 13:16:25 EDT
"Greg," prodded Jolene, "Come on! We need to go upstairs. The kids are in the ball room already. Let's get started!" She grabbed a gold pencil and giant yellow bag, proceeding upstairs without Greg. Greg looked around at the bustling lobby of the store, and reluctantly followed his wife.
As Jolene slowly made her way up the rubber-lined steps, she began to see an array of possibilities. Every clean, geometric piece of furniture was an opportunity to better her social standing. A well-organized and coordinated living room was the only way to ensure her friends would think her life was together and perfect. She inhaled deeply: smells of unfinished birch, textiles, and filtered air also testified to this clean, kempt illusion.
Greg curiously picked up a $5.00 bag of a hundred tea light candles, wondering how much his wife would have to spend this time. At least they weren't at an Ethan Allen gallery, he thought.
"Greg, isn't this couch cute? Do you like the dark blue or the fuchsia slipcover better?" He let the bag of candles slump back into the bin as he turned briefly to see what she was pointing at, a cheaply-made couch that was too small.
Greg looked at the price tag; it was marked $199. Inexpensive was Greg's only criteria for furniture. "Sure, Jo, I like it. The blue one." His eyes then darted to a passing trio of young women, giggling over the possibilities for their new apartment. They shouldn't wear those trendy shirts with dumb words on them if they don't want men staring at their breasts all day, he thought.
His wife had a horrified look on her face. "What's that SMELL?" she asked him accusingly.
"Well, it doesn't have anything to do with me. Where is that coming from?" Greg was now attentive to his surroundings, sniffing out the source of the smell.
"I think it's coming from the bathroom area. Do you think there's a demonstration going on?"
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"What the fuck, man! That ain't the way you do it! You gon' ruin this whole batch!"
"Shut the fuck up! They'll hear us."
"Well, everyone gonna smell it if you let it overheat. Shit."
The two men clad in black clothing head-to-toe huddled around the bathtub. They stared at the three large bottles in anticipation, watching the bubbling from the plastic pipes and the sinking white forms drifting downward inside.
"You see. Fuckin' easy. These bitches roun' here don't know what the hell is goin' on. Fucking Swedish assholes and they damn meatballs."
____________________________________________________________
Outside the giant blue-and yellow façade of the store, the arriving customers saw a strange sight. Several police cars and some mysterious white vans surrounded the entrance to IKEA. The police officers were furiously yelling into their walkie-talkies. Several alien figures crawled out of the vans. Clad in full hazmat gear, they made their way to the entrance.
Several police officers accompanied them inside. All of them were accosted by the store manager, Adam, upon entrance.
"What is going on! There's a million weird smells coming from up there, and it isn't from the meatballs! My costumers are complaining of hearing voices, swearing and cursing and making racist comments. When are you going to tell me what's going on!?"
"Sir," one of the officers began, "We have good reason to suspect that there is a meth lab in this IKEA. We've heard of meth labs in IKEA stores before, but this is likely the biggest we will have ever found."
"Dear God, I hope you find it! I can't lose my job for this. Why did they have to pick my store?" Adam was frantic. "A meth lab, in my store? I mean...I knew they had one at the Long Beach store once, but here in San Diego?"
"Sir, we'll have this over with soon enough. We just have to find where it is in this store, and there's a lot of area to cover."
___________________________________________________________
"Jo, here it is! I saw something!" Greg darted through a display of shower curtains. There, he found the two men huddled around a collection of strange objects. He stopped short, realizing what he had come across.
"Who the FUCK are you?" The larger of the men reached into his crotch and started to pulled out a small gun, pointing it at Greg.
"Greg, get out of there! There's some strange men coming!" Jolene shouted at him, before turning around once again, horrified at the sight of the hazmat team coming towards her.
Greg reeled around, away from the men. Then, a gunshot silenced the din of panic in the store. A body fell forward through the curtains, accompanied by an agonized scream from Jolene.
The two men darted out from the area, one carrying a jug full of the liquid marked by white matter. "I fuckin' told you we shouldn't be making this stuff in the IKEA store. Ain't no way we can hit the Costa Mesa store now!"
__________________________________________________________
The police went after the two men, but Jolene remained by her husband. She cried, and through teary eyes noticed that there was no blood coming from her husband. Then, Greg raised his head up, looking at his wife with anxious eyes.
"Alright. We'll go to the Ethan Allen Gallery." Jolene looked back at him with wildy excited eyes in anticipation of new furniture.
![images[1].jpg (3 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1122311785250031096/1/images[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-29 13:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course! Are you going to make another post for it, for clarity?
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-29 12:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Round Two starts this evening. Are you going to follow it?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-07-29 12:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-28 20:05:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I know.
It's unfortunate that I seem to have a following of people who -2 my posts b/c I won't show my boobs.
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Theres a simple solution to that you know.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should try finding random porn on the Internet, posting it, and saying that it's you.
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-07-28 21:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was hilarious! Imagine... people shopping at IKEA.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-28 20:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I know.
It's unfortunate that I seem to have a following of people who -2 my posts b/c I won't show my boobs.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-28 20:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay! People are putting money into DPM.
You wouldn've been better off putting your opponent's work on Uberboard to get it some -s, eventually. It's mathematically impossible for you to catch up with him while he has a perfect rating.
Submitted by GlassBowl (user info) at 2005-07-28 18:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but that is a great peice of furniture.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2005-07-28 14:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-28 09:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Took a little bit of concentrating to understand it but I think I got it, and it made me laugh.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-07-26 13:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-07-25 23:59:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
bitch
That shit's lame.
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-07-25 23:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bitch
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good to see you weren't scared off by the reaction to your last post, there should be a sticky thread on uber with some simple advice for noobs.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is, any double forfeits.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a shame that you're probably going to be out in the first round (your opponent is riding more reviews and a +2)
However, if we have any forfeits, which we probably will, the highest rated first round loser will get their place.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Decent effort. I'm afraid to post mine.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no tits, no +2
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO D-PRIME MADNESS GO
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good!
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It'd be cool if we had to go into tie-breakers for you two.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D-Prime Madness: http://www.ubersite.com/m/71523