Old man Jenkins and the Missing Park.... Someone kill me! (1293 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.63 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (View user info) at 2005-07-25 15:01:20 EDT
Me: "A picnic? You're serious?"
Her: <Blank stare>
Me: "ummm, ok, let's go"
That was where the beautiful Saturday afternoon/early evening when tragically askew. Being in the first month or so of a new "thing" it seemed like a good idea to agree to her request for an afternoon lunch eaten off of paper plates while sitting on a blanket that seemed to magnify the abrasiveness of the grass, as well as the size and solidarity of any roots of the tree we would soon be using for shade. Not to mention the epic battle looming between me, a single human being and ten trillion ants. If bees decided to crash the party, she was on her own (so I recommended she wear flip flops). But we know what I was thinking when I agreed, so we'll leave it at that.
.................Lesson learned..........
We headed out for a local park 10-15 minutes away, which I soon discovered was insufficient......
"How about the State Park, can we go there? I've never been!"
"It's like an hour away....????....I haven't either but it isn't really world renowned, you know? It's just a park"
<Big brown puppy dog eyes>
I am hetero-sexual, so I turn onto the freeway and head east toward the Capital. Since the hour long trip (with food in the backseat) was pretty much mundane, we an fast forward ahead to the first evidence of the existence of this park.
NC State Park.......10 since the sign was green, I read this to mean the exit I needed to pursue was 10 miles ahead. No big deal.
22 miles later I am still looking for the NEXT exit. "Did I miss something?" I ask. "Huh?" she replied, indicating that I hadn't and I was the only one looking for direction. 31 miles after the sign indicating that the state park we were searching for was 10 miles away, we came up on an exit.
"Why are we getting off here?" she asked
"Because it is the only exit I have seen since the 'park ahead' sign!" I replied abruptly.
"Where was that?"
"A half hour ago"
"I didn't see it"
"I did"
"Why would they put up a sign that far ahead? Is the park that big? Do they have water slides, because I didn't bring a bathing suit?"
"I have no idea. No and No, don't worry about it"
To say this exit was rural would be the equivalent of pointing out how far one could see across the Sahara Desert. There was, however, a Texaco ahead on the right, a full service Texaco at that. Never having been one to enjoy asking for directions, I proceeded to pull in. I don't like asking for direction and it isn't some childish, testosterone induced refusal, it is just that trying to translate the information given by most people offering directions is mentally exhausting and almost impossible. I have a Bachelor of Science in General Chemistry, an IQ of 160, but I just don't know where "Old man Jenkins used to live before his wife kicked him out for coming home drunk."
I have given plenty of directions in my life.
Example:
"Hey, can you tell me how to get over to <insert location>?"
Sure, go on up two blocks, turn right onto <street name> and you can't miss it.
Giving direction is a lot like lying. The more information you provide the more confusing and impossible it becomes to get your point across. K-I-S-S method usually works.
I'm driving a 2003 Nissan Xterra, not really an eye turner in the real world; and I am wearing cut off khakis and flip flops. Fish out of water mean anything to you?
Author's note: This is an exact transcript of the conversation.
"Excuse me. Can either of you guys tell me where the State Park is at around here?"
"WhoooWeee! That is one sweet ride!"
"Yeah, thanks..........The park?"
"How much sumthin like dat run ya?"
"About 27 brand new........ The park?"
"27....thousand? Damn, you rich or sumthin?
"No.....The park. Can you please tell me where the park is?
"Thatta way" said with his hand in the air and index finger pointing toward the woods behind the service station.
"I'm sorry. Thatta way? I need more than a rumor, dude. Can you be a little more specific, I'm not from around here?"
"Around where?"
"Is there anyone else here that might be able to help me out?"
"Earl's inside. He's the engine builder, best around. The Charlie Daniels of engines, a doctor with a torque wrench!"
"Earl?"
"Earl"
"Thanks"
I walk inside and see Earl immediately. Not because he looked like an Earl, but because his shirt revealed his identity. Lucky for me I could read, because I couldn't understand a fucking word out of his mouth.
"You Earl?"
"Yep"
"Can you tell me how to get over to the State Park? I'm lost as hell"
"Yeah, gotta go over thatta way" and pointed in the same direction as his apprentice.
"Look, I appreciate the laid back, everybody knows the same thing atmosphere, I come from a small town myself, but I am not Indiana Jones, nor could I find the sacred medallion of Lealannilou or some shit because a rumor surfaced online and drawings appeared on E-bay for 16 million bucks. I can't pack my boots and whip, dismiss my Archaeology 101 class and head for the next clue in Bejing, then move onto Germany, India and end up in the middle east battling the goddamn German's, trying to keep them from stealing it and selling it for 2 packs of Camels and some Sunkist, or conquer the world, I forget which. Just for something I am going to give to the Museum of History. I'm just not that damn good! Now if you can, please tell me which roads I need to take to get to the NC State Park. I would really appreciate it!"
"?"
"I'm sorry; I went off on a tangent there. I have a beautiful girl in my SUV along with a few pounds of Italian meats and cheeses I spent 50 bucks on. They are both probably spoiling in this heat and I would really like to get to the state park. Can you help me?"
"Go on down to Whitt's place, you know where dat is?"
"No"
"Just a couple/few miles on teh udda side of the bridge"
"The Highway bridge?"
"Yep"
"OK, Whitt's is a -------?"
"Whitt's is where old man Jenkins used to live before his wife done kicked him out for comin home drunk too many times then sold his house and moved back to Charleston."
"Whitt's is a house?"
"Yeah; see, old man Jenkins used to work over to teh lumber yard, damn good worker, but RayRay started givin him that old plum liquor he used to brew..."
"Woah, I don't need to know all of this, man. Just tell me where to turn and how far to go, that's all I need. I swear to God, I'll come back if that isn't enough!"
".......... and he would get so dog drunk, he couldn't walk. His wife done caught him messin around with old Bulldog's sister and she weren't none to happy bout it. You know ole Bulldog? Nah, never mind, go up to Whitt's a great big ole white house at the corner of 17 and 27, bout 2-3 miles, turn right."
"YES! Finally! 17 and 27, these are highways, correct?"
"Yeah, 17 runs ya down to Franklinburg and 27 runs ya over to Gibsonville"
"I don't need to get to either one of those towns, just the basics here. The park..... When I turn right at 17/27, then what?
"Bout 10-15 miles on the left"
"What's on the left, the park or the next turn?"
"The park"
"Go 2 miles and turn right onto 27, then go 10-15 miles and the park is on the left? That's it?"
"Hehehehe, easy as changing the oil, ain't it?"
"Yep, sure is, thanks a bunch" I said while wanting to leap across the counter and strangle the life right out of ole Earl.
I got back into my Xterra and headed began following the directions Earl had given me. Imagine my embarrassment when we turned on 27 and I said...
"Old man Jenkins used to live there but he got hooked on home made plum wine, slept with Bulldog's sister and his wife kicked him out, sold the house and moved to Charleston."
"Huh"
"There is a gun under my seat, will you get it and shoot me?"
User Reviews
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-27 16:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a 1600, and OhLookASquirell did as well. She's going to Yale, I'm going to U of Rochester because I slacked off in school, but that's a different story. I'm not lying to you guys. I'd show you the official score report, but that might prove to be a little complicated, you know?
Submitted by Eternal_Dragon (user info) at 2005-07-27 00:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no most people on uber are idiots who are mediocre. they aren't homeless, but they aren't smart. they have regular jobs, but they all work for retail or the food industry.
I got a 1500 on the SAT and I am proud of it.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-26 22:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-26 15:45:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
For the record, I do believe the average person on Uber is more intelligent than the average person out in the world. There are two people on this site who got 1600's on the SAT last year. There were about 930 total in the country. I'm not saying that's indicitive of everything;
==-=-=-
yeah, it's indicative of people lying their asses off on here to impress a bunch of fellow computer nerds (like me).
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-26 15:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a park at NC State? I thought the whole damn place was nothing but red bricks.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-26 15:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the record, I do believe the average person on Uber is more intelligent than the average person out in the world. There are two people on this site who got 1600's on the SAT last year. There were about 930 total in the country. I'm not saying that's indicitive of everything; it's just an example. Why would there be more intelligent people here? Because the majority of this site is made up by average, white-collar workers who are, by nature, more intelligent on average than the rest of the country. Many of the people here like to write, and do it well, also indicitive of higher intelligence. Really, what it all boils down to is that Uber is not your average collection of people.
Oh, and the story kicked ass.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Adam, I think this falls into the category of "who gives a fuck?"
For the purposes of the discussion, I appreciate the time you have spent over the last two hours researching the topic. That being said, you are correct about 'true' IQ exams however, various online tests indicate the IQ I referenced. Valid or invalid, the last was 162 to be exact and took about an hour to complete. I am not trying to impress you or anyone on this site. I threw it out there for effect and effect only. I hate that it bothers you, I really do. Well, no I don't. I could actually care less.
Give it a rest man. I don't, haven't, and will never consider myself 'above average' it just isn't a big deal to me. I get up and go to work every morning regardless of what you or anyone else thinks.
Does any of this crap make me smarter than Earl? Not really, I know as much about automobile engines as I do brain surgery, and less than I do about nuclear physics. Like I said....
Who gives a fuck. It's a story, that's all.
That is all......
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:37:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
My IQ tests between 150-165 depending on how I am feeling, circumstances, etc
==================
So you have taken more than one IQ test? You know they take 6-8 hours total to complete. Plus considering the difference in intelligence is exponetial a 150 is as different from a 165 as a 100 is from a 130
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My IQ tests between 150-165 depending on how I am feeling, circumstances, etc.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:25:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Adam, not everyone smarter than you is lying.
Not everyone that shoots basketball, throws a football/baseball better, or runs faster than you is cheating, in case you were wondering.
It's not that I care whether you believe it or not, but don't accuse me of lying. It is irritating.
Hell, I bet there are 20 people roaming this site with an IQ of higher than 160.
Are they lying too?
=================
Considering the statistics, I would say yes, yes they are.
And for the record any IQ test you take that isn't administered by a professional pyschologist/psychatrist is invalid.
Statistics show that 99% of people fall into the 55-145 range based on a bell curve, with a full 25% occupying the exact middle. Now because the percentage drops exponentially as we move from the center out we can see the drasit drop in the percentage of the population above 130 (which happens to be about 4%)
What I'm saying is if you have an IQ of 160 you shouldn't be on Uber, you are in the 99.9% of intelligence ON THE PLANET. You should be in MENSA, you should be in the Triple Nine Society, you should be working on something worthy of a nobel prize
But you're lying, so we'll leave it at that.
Oh and I almost forgot
If twenty people had IQ's above 160 on this site, this would be one of the most intelligent places on the intarweb.
Did you know that over 90% of people believe themselves to be "above average" in intelligence, whe in reality only 10%+ is?
-2 for liars
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:39:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, a plus 2 for the obvious Sammy Kershaw reference.
------------------
I was wondering if anyone would pick up on that, good job.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, a plus 2 for the obvious Sammy Kershaw reference.
well done
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job at making me laugh inappropriately out loud at work. :)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Adam, not everyone smarter than you is lying.
Not everyone that shoots basketball, throws a football/baseball better, or runs faster than you is cheating, in case you were wondering.
It's not that I care whether you believe it or not, but don't accuse me of lying. It is irritating.
Hell, I bet there are 20 people roaming this site with an IQ of higher than 160.
Are they lying too?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for the story
-2 for "IQ of 160"
I can't stand people who can't even lie within reason
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-25 20:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by Vix (user info) at 2005-07-25 17:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I work at a power company, and when the people from the reserves call and I ask for their address, they respond "Yeh, I live across the street from Rosa in the pink house with the bronco in front eh" I swear to god that is the same answer I get from like 17 different customers.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-25 17:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahahahahaha... SO perfect
and that explains alot... hmmmmm
Submitted by Dizzle (user info) at 2005-07-25 17:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awe-some
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WINNER!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Country folk - good people.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA....nice, man. quite nice.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA, this sounds way to familiar to be something I'm reading on the internet written by someone I don't know.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look, I appreciate the laid back, everybody knows the same thing atmosphere, I come from a small town myself, but I am not Indiana Jones, nor could I find the sacred medallion of Lealannilou or some shit because a rumor surfaced online and drawings appeared on E-bay for 16 million bucks. I can't pack my boots and whip, dismiss my Archaeology 101 class and head for the next clue in Bejing, then move onto Germany, India and end up in the middle east battling the goddamn German's, trying to keep them from stealing it and selling it for 2 packs of Camels and some Sunkist, or conquer the world, I forget which. Just for something I am going to give to the Museum of History. I'm just not that damn good! Now if you can, please tell me which roads I need to take to get to the NC State Park. I would really appreciate it!"
---------------------
you sold me right there.
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Tobes!