Jessica Fuckin' Alba: 'Give me some sugar, baby!' Part 3 (900 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mister_Devious (View user info) at 2005-07-25 17:38:29 EDT
Okay, all of my posts suck and I'm condemned to the Negative Layer of Hell, 2 Levels Down. The view from down here isn't really great (all the upskirts are of fat, sweaty, post-middle-age transvestites), and all the demons are fucking snobs, so I have a lot of time on my hands.
Got me to thinking: what does it take to create a GREAT Uberpost? Research begins! I took a look at the top 10 posts evar (as of late this morning [1]), and tried to find what topic or thread was common to all of them. Couldn't find one all-uniting "thing," which shot the shit out of my Grand Uberuniversal Theory, but I did come up with a few Significant Indicators of Greatness:
I: Be comicbookguy or Circe. Two people making up 40% of the top 10? Read their stuff; the path to greatness must lie inside.
II: Provide advice on how to get laid, especially for guys. We need all the help we can get! [2]
III: Mention alcohol repeatedly, but include full details of (a) mix recipies, (b) effects of the concoctions, (c) hangover cures and (d) length of correlating jail time.
IV: Violence and pain. Always leads to a positive rating if the violence is justified and you can describe heretofore undiscovered ways of inflicting pain. If the violence can be directed towards a group of people that really ARE shitstains but that no one has ever categorized before, it'll be like you've discovered your own species. [3]
V: Profanity will usually increase your score, even more so if it's something you made up that slides easily into the vernacular. [4]
VI: Society's bullshit. Any time your personal rights get trod upon, rant, rant, and rant some more. Focus the rant on an individual when possible; instead of "the government sucks" try "Senator Rick Santorum sucks."
VII: Have a great subject line, even if it has nothing to do with the actual content of the post. Looks like those English teachers were right: if you fail to grab your audience with your first sentence, you'll never reach them. Popular subject line fodder: superheroes, profanity, Jessica Alba, a good movie quote.
VIII: Superheroes aren't just for subject lines. I don't know why this is, but any time you bring up a superhero the ratings go through the roof. [5]
IX: Make your post "Part" something. It implies a long story that you'll want to stick with until the end, and presumably a longer story had more time and therefore care put into it.
X: Relationships and romance that actually WORK. Although there's a lot of anger/hate floating around Uber, everyone seems to like a happy ending.
XI: Two words: surreal fiction. Fuck fanfic: come up with something that John Waters or Federico Fellini would want to film (preferably together)...something that would make William S. Burroughs go "Huh?" Stories that involve physical and/or emotional journeys of growth really make the needle spike.
XII: Talk about your heroes, tell why they're examples to you, but realize that others are going to disagree with you: respect their right to do so.
XIII: More often than not, the top-ranked posts are written with PROPER ENGLISH. If you expect others to understand you, make yourself understandable!
So, let's see, the ultimate post would be: "Jessica Fuckin' Alba: 'Give me some sugar, baby!' Part 3", posted by comickbookguy. It's a well-written love story about alcoholic superheroes (let's say, Green Lantern and Rorschach) on a road trip to India to thumb-wrestle with the Dalai Lama, which eventually culminates in a drag show and unexpected discoveries about their sexuality. Enraged by society's ostracism (and the sheer number of vapid fucktards who use debit cards for purchases of less than $5), they power down 50-gallon drums of Flaming Gators (1/2 ounce Triple Sec, 1 ounce Melon Liqueur, 1/2 ounce Rum, 1 splash 151 Proof Rum: Mix triple sec, melon liquer, and rum in a lowball glass. Top with rum and ignite. Severe whirlies, counter with fruit juice and aspirin; 3 months probation), and after giving Dick Cheney a second-degree teabagging which leaves him paralyzed from the neck up, the twosome head across the Pacific. Even though they bitch-slap each other into nosebleeds all the way, deep down inside, they know it's meant to be, and they even have the balls to proclaim to the entire Asian continent upon arrival: "We're Green! We're Queens!" My heroes. Oh, and they also mention that chicks like guys who are confident without being aggressive, and don't radiate desperation. Use eye contact, let the space between you decrease naturally, and talk about HER, not yourself. [6]
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[1] In descending order:
1. How to pick up chicks at grocery stores, by comicbookguy
2. Tom Gets a Haircut, by Jimbo
3. Straight Incorporated Part 2: The Journey to Non Compliance (longish), by badassmofo
4. I got invited to Spiderman's birthday party, by comicbookguy
5. Your gunna look funny eating corn on the cob with no fucking teeth, by Saxon
6. More Tales of New Bedlam: "You light up my life," by Circe
7. After the Pandemic: Unnatural Born Killers, by Circe
8. The makings of a real man, by DonovanMD
9. Necrosiac 23 - Part 1, by Snark
10. Bare Skinned Zealots, Warrior Hearts, and Black Earth Curses: Getting My Ass Kicked in The Cradle of Life, by Isaac Bickerstaff
[2] You ladyfolk have it easy: if attractive, walk up to guy and say "Hi! Wanna fuck?" If this continually fails to work, you are ugly. If ugly, combine "Hi! Wanna fuck?" with dim lighting and large doses of Jagermeister.
[3] The near-lethally-overweight mother who eats fried chicken outta the bucket while grocery shopping & encouraging her tribe of rug-monkeys to do the same: Giganticus arteriosclerosis fatbastardii.
[4] Asshole = no. Onanistic mendicant = no. Fucktard = YES!!!
[5] As always, this does not include Aquaman. He is not a superhero; he is an ichthyophile with a ghey haircut.
[6] Oddly enough, none of the top 10 are focused on boobs. Break the mold: ALWAYS include boobs.
User Reviews
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-07-26 21:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-07-25 21:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was pretty fucking funny...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-25 19:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Picture of kitties usually work for me.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This isn't ADVICE! First thing out of my mouth was that my posts suck. These are just observations.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-25 17:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
try using this advice.
ps
-2 DIE
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 17:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For all those that actually care there is no NSFW...