Masturbation - not just a jerk (2026 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.83 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chillin' out; relaxing (View user info) at 2005-07-25 18:27:10 EDT
I've said I'd do a sequel to this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/67988 for a while now, but never actually got round to doing it, thinking I didn't have enough to actually fill a post. Then I remembered that last time, all I did was paraphrase Homer Simpson (sticking the word 'masturbation' in there for maximum hitwhore potential, of course) and run it from there. So fuck having ideas. Lets just see what happens.
Anyway, what I *was* thinking was that masturbation is so much more than just a jerk - there's a real masturbation universe that encompasses so many different things, people and actions.
Example:
When walking up to my room (which is on the top floor of my house and has the computer in it) I am always careful to make a decent amount of noise - stamping on steps, drumming a tune out on the banisters or whatever. Anything that'll alert someone in my room to my arrival.
Why?
Because walking into my room and seeing my 15-year-old brother jerking off to whatever porn is on the screen is *not* high on my list of things to see. He's a bright kid, so he caught on, and now I get warnings as he come up the stairs as well.
Actually, thinking about that, having two teenage lads in a house together presents all sorts of masturbation scenarios. The noise-on-the-stairs is one, as is the clicking you hear that can only be your brother frantically shutting down multiple windows of porn before you walk into the room.
There's also the 'mouthspeak'/'realspeak' (henceforth ms/rs) thingy.
Example:
Brother: (ms) "I'm off to watch Big Brother, computer's yours."
(rs) "I'm going away for half an hour so you can jerk off without being worried that I'll accidentally walk back in."
Or even:
Me: (ms) "Have you any tissues? I'm getting a cold."
(rs) "I've run out of jizz-cleaners."
Brother: (ms) "Yeah, I got loads here...er...I've been blowing my nose a lot lately..."
(rs) "I know what you're using them for, and you know what I've been using them for, but I'm mouthing the obviously lame excuse anyway, so's we can outwardly pretend everything's fine. Have a good one."
And thinking of that, there's also the times when you can't for a while. I was on a camping trip a while back, 4 days of walking in the hills with 4 other guys my age. In tents. Not much potential for self-relief (or at least, Kilean would hope not). Do you find you get stressed more? I didn't really, but then again I had a distraction - trying to climb hills in 30 degree heat. Of course, someone bought an FHM beforehand (when there were 9 of us, before the groups split up) and everyone had a last look at it, woefully reminding themselves what they'd be missing.
+++ Small insert - it appears that Ice-age females preferred their own company to that of men at the time. Perhaps the ice-age males were (much like me), obsessed with masturbation and therefore drove their females into creating this http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4713323.stm +++
Of course, there's reams to talk about when you think of covering the deed (because, let's face it, masturbation is dirty and shameful and you don't let on that you do it.....shit).
Are you a simple 'wipe it up and leave'? Do you extensively scour your computer to make sure no other users find out where you've been? Or are you one of these lucky few who has a computer to themselves? Do you use it as hand-cream? Face moisturiser? Protein-supplement? Liquid salt substitute?
+++ Another insert here - on a different hike, I was contemplating taking tequila in 3 straight shots, rather than salt/shot/lemon. So, obviously, you'd need a liquid lemon, like a small shot of jif lemon. Then I thought, 'what could you use as a shot of liquid salt substitute?' Kilean hates the idea. Draqus seemed intrigued. +++
Yet another 'brother' point. We also studiously avoid mentioning the preponderance of tissues in the bins in our rooms (his room has the playsation, mine has the computer, so we're in and out of either quite a bit). At least I have the decency to hide mine under other rubbish though. Tsk...kids these days.
I leave you with this;
User Reviews
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-09-04 18:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"i also recall that he had no idea what was meant by the salt substitue, thinking that we were suggesting bringing sea water up the mountain."
Oh yeah...
I was explaining my fully liquid tequila idea for when you're on hikes, saying you bring tequila cos it's already liquid, then you grad jif lemon, liquid lemon, then you bring a *dramatic pause* liquid salt substitute.
He said, after a thinking pause, "Is that meant to be a joke?"
"Liquid salt substitute man. Think about it."
"What? Huh...? What are...Ohhhhhh!"
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-22 15:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-22 15:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the review.
I agree 100%. Stupid posts get waaaaay too much attention while that post of mine...just didn't.
?
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-27 13:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Twas pretty funny.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-07-27 13:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Was a good hike, to be sure.
Barring the horrible foot-pain and lack of masturbation, of course.
What?
No, addicts go to classes.
Submitted by Kilean (user info) at 2005-07-27 13:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i said lack of hidden matterial, i ddnt mean lack i meant plethora. i'm stupid
Submitted by Kilean (user info) at 2005-07-27 13:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. I do remember the occasion of said hike, and there is some question if you recall over a certain person who shall remain nameless adam armer and his activities in the loos with said magazine which, as i reall, went suspiciously missing afterwards...hmmmm
2. On the topic of this same nameless person (see above re adam armer) i do believe ther was also an occasion by which he was interested in inviting you chillax into his tent for a spot of...ermmm...relief *cough cough* which just goes to show the inherent DANGER of NOT engaging in the shameful act.
3. And, come to think of it, on the topic of adam armer who shall remain nameless, i also recall that he had no idea what was meant by the salt substitue, thinking that we were suggesting bringing sea water up the mountain. Perhaps he DOESNT perform the shameful act OFTEN ENOUGH which would certainly explain poit 2 also
4. Knowing your brother and yourself, the thought of anything like that concerning either of you sickens me to the depths of my soul, and so i'll not even mention it
JURY'S VERDICT: +2 for sheer lack of hidden material that only you and i would uncover, potentially
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Upside down?
Jeez man, at least the time I jerked off in a tree I was the right way up.
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, now I have seen it all.
("Have you seen a man eat his own head??")
This post fucking freaks me out. And I don't know why... I jerk upside-down in trees...
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I live at home and I have a 15-year-old brother. That picture is obviously not me. :-/
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-07-26 04:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope that pic is you when you cum. Thats the only way to do it when your with a women. Just start screaming like you've been shot in the gut, right into her face.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-07-26 03:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That man needs to be punched in the face.
Good jerk post.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-26 03:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You wank too much.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-07-26 00:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule!
Get out.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-07-26 00:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Got off to a slow start, but it was pretty funny.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2005-07-25 21:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
bampf
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. Just flush the tissues. You save them? Seriously, WTF?
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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