You Thought Wrong (1279 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.2 on 66 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2005-07-26 03:50:02 EDT
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Entry 1
Tha-thump.He heard the noise. The sudden rise and fall of the wheels jarred him awake from his drunken haze. Even as he looked back and saw the shape of a human figure in the road in generally the location where the tha-thump had occurred, he couldn't have imagined the sequence of events this unfortunate accident would trigger.
Peter sat frozen for several minutes starring back at the motionless form. Both of them were still as if in a full body stare down, first one to move loses. But Peter was at a disadvantage as the other guy was dead and movement was quite impossible for him.
The night was dark except for the light of the moon, which spotlighted the scene of a drunken man gently nudging the body of another drunk now dead man with the toe of his sandal. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! What have I done?" The increasingly sober Peter moaned as he looked at the body and then fearfully in either direction down the street. No one was coming. No one had seen. He scanned the deserted street again and one more time for good measure.
It is times like these that it is helpful to have friends with experience with times like these. Peter was blessed with many friends but only one came to mind at this precarious moment. His poorly named buddy Judas was always willing to go outside the boundaries if the situation seemed to warrant it. Judas was an opportunist and a fearless and somewhat loyal friend. Judas would know what to do. Peter dragged the body behind a nearby shed, covered it with boards and ran as fast as he could down the alley to Judas' house.
"We've got to figure out a way to get rid of the body and any evidence." Judas, a master of elementary crime scene management, said matter-of-factly,
"I'm feeling really bad about this, Judas, I didn't see the guy. Is there a chance he committed suicide?" Peter was looking for anything that would help alleviate the acute case of guilt he found himself afflicted with.
"No, no, I really don't think anyone's going to buy into the suicide theory, Peter." Judas said, and Peter slumped in his chair.
"What would Jesus do?" asked Peter hopefully.
"Let's go ask him."
The two men headed off down the dusty streets of Bethlehem to Jesus' house. The night was quiet as the Muslims wouldn't be around for another 400 years. Along the way the men stopped at the houses of Andrew, James, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, the other James, and Thaddaeus, as the situation called for a variety of perspectives and the utmost discretion.
Despite the late hour, the small group of men knocked aggressively on the door of the little cabin. Moments later a disheveled looking Mary, Maggie, as they called her, opened the door.
"What are you guys doing?" She surveyed the group of friends.
"We've come to see Jesus," they answered in unison.
"Jesus is sleeping."
"Come on Maggie, we really, really, really need to talk to him. We've got a problem."
"You and everybody else," Maggie mumbled and turned, leaving the door open for the men to come in behind her. Jesus, in his robe, appeared before them moments later.
"What's up guys?"
With much sniveling and gesturing Peter told Jesus the story of how the wagon, which he happened to have been driving, ran over the man who was currently the dead man under the boards behind the shed. When Peter finished everyone waited expectantly for Jesus to comment.
Jesus tugged thoughtfully on his beard and said, "Let me sleep on it."
"Why don't you guys come back tomorrow at seven, we'll have supper and I'll have a plan by then."
They all agreed and went home and came back the next day at seven.
"Ok, now that I've had some time to think about it. I have a plan." Jesus told the group. The friends gathered around the table. Maggie served them bread and wine and Mathew declared the ante for the first hand of Whose the Donkey.
"Why must our get-togethers always involve booze and cards - why not tea and poetry? Just once?" John complained to no one, and no one listened.
The cards were dealt, and Jesus began.
"After careful contemplation, I've decided that Peter's unfortunate accident, and the resulting dead man, may he rest in peace," Jesus paused an obligatory moment while his friends followed suit. "...is indeed the best thing that could've happened to us all." Jesus had a way of putting a positive spin on things.
"Some of you may have been listening to me rant recently about the general decline of the human condition. The corruption, violence, selfishness is running rampant and must be stopped."
"Here he goes again," whispered Thedeous to Matthew under his breath.
"We're going to use Peter's predicament as a springboard to start a movement! All we need is a worthy message, at least one miracle, and as luck would have it, a dead guy. So we're almost there."
"I'd consider it a miracle if anyone would trade me this glass of water for his glass of wine..." slurred Matthew who had already had his glass of wine three times over. Jesus made the trade and continued with his plan.
"I would like, for the benefit of all mankind, to be given the opportunity to use our dead comrade as a partner in creating the illusion of my death and subsequent martyrdom. I say 'illusion of my death' as my actual death would be most inconvenient for me right now."
Bartholomew stopped shuffling and starred blankly at Jesus along with the others. Maggie was nodding quietly in agreement as if she and Jesus had discussed the plan the night before.
Jesus continued.
"Everyone knows that nothing gets you noticed better than dying. Imagine if you could get all the benefits of dying without actually having to be the one to stop breathing. As luck would have it, we have, shall we say a - 'volunteer' behind the shed to do that. But we must act quickly as it was 90 degrees today."
Peter was the first one to speak. "Jesus, are you suggesting that you would essentially die for my sin?"
"Well, ultimately it would be for the benefit of all mankind, of which you are included, so yes."
Jesus went on. "Following dinner I intend to go to the local bakery and steal a loaf of bread. I will do it in such as way as to ensure my capture. As you all know tomorrow happens to be Thursday and crucifixion day. To pay for my crime, I will be sentenced to be crucified along with the other criminals currently slated for the event. However, in a clever act of trickery with the help of my friends, it will not be I on the cross but actually our volunteer."
"It'll never work." Said Thomas, who doubted everything. "How are you going to make the switch?
"As luck would have it, the guard at the prison who is acting executioner and regional top ranking crucifier, has quite the fancy for Maggie." Maggie blushed. Jesus continued, "Quite selflessly, Maggie has agreed to tickle his fancy for the period of time necessary to complete the crucifixion. Quite conveniently, our own Bartholomew is still doing his community service work for cursing at Harold Stienberg, and is already slated to be working for the executioner tomorrow afternoon."
"After carrying the cross to the scene along with the other convicts and prior to me being secured to the cross, Maggie will use her diversions to distract the guard. The unsavory task of tying and nailing the convicts will be left to Bartholomew. Our volunteer will be at the scene wrapped carefully in a shroud, as not to draw attention to his lack of life. Which reminds me, I suspect our friend behind the shed is looking rather peaked at this point; we'll need some iodine to add a bit of color to his skin. I wouldn't want any illustrators drawing me too pale in the historical renditions. It shouldn't be difficult to pull the switch and thus allowing our volunteer to go through the remaining of the crucifixion procedure as if he were me."
"But Jesus," Peter fretted, "how is being crucified for petty thievery going to help your cause?"
"I'm glad you asked that Peter, as you, being the clever and effective salesmen that you are, are going to play a significant role in aftermath all of this." Jesus didn't need to remind him of his obligatory commitment to the project.
Peter was feeling immensely guilty to have caused all the commotion - yet also quite excited about being called clever and effective and was anxious to play a significant role in what was surely a significant plot.
"Here's the kicker." Jesus said as he poured another glass of wine and looked at the overturned card before him. "I will make a brief but potent reappearance, three days following my death, in order to amaze and stun my followers who require such antics to believe. After all is said and done, and the movement put in motion, I will disappear from this area forever and attend to work elsewhere, South America to be specific."
"This is kind've like when that storm was coming and you had us put the stumps in a row just below the surface of the water?" Asked Thaddaeus astutely.
"Yes, exactly that sort of thing. Occasionally, small miracles, real or imagined, are necessary to keep your audience's attention. It is a cumbersome but necessary component of founding a religious movement.
"Peter, following my shocking and untimely departure and subsequent awe inspiring encore appearance, you will go to the holy masses and describe in detail an account of great suffering and sacrifice. Tell them I was tried for heresy and murdered for my beliefs! That'll get em."
Maggie adjusted her diversions and tilted her head towards Jesus. "Remember, I will do my part of this only if you take me to South America and women get proper credit and respect in the history books."
"Of course." Jesus assured her.
"Of course." Peter said as he rolled his eyes and crossed his fingers.
"I don't think many will come to the actual grueling event, and those who do aren't likely to argue with your version of the story. I'll make sure there's plenty of wine on hand.
Once I'm "gone," Jesus made little quotation marks in the air. "Tell the empire that believing in my message is the only way to get a golden ticket to salvation. Sell it well, my good friend Peter, and you will become their leader. Jesus sometimes rhymed by accident but was by no means a poet.
Here, I have written down some specific language for you to use." Jesus handed Peter a several pages of hand written notes. "Feel free to embellish as you see fit. Just get the basic message out."
"You're just going to end up a forgotten bread thief and the rest of us are going to jail. No ones going to believe all this." said Thomas shaking his head.
"Yes they will." Said Peter.
"No they won't." Said Thomas. And that carried on for a short time.
"I think they will believe." Jesus took sides. "Haven't you seen the arks at the craft shows? Have faith. They will believe. They want to believe."
After working out some details, the friends disassembled.
Later that night, Maggie packed, Peter studied his notes, and right on schedule, Jesus left for the bakery.
Elsewhere, the dead man behind the shed waited patiently to play his part in history, which unfolded more or less as it was written.
- VS -
Entry 2
Mike was waiting by the exit at the elementary school. Nervous and flushed, he had his face pressed up against the window, eyes darting left and right. There were many kids running out from the school, escaping from another extremely long and boring school day, but there was one kid in particular that Mike was looking for.Bob Lucas.
Bob Lucas was the school bully and Mike wasn't what you would call one of the cool kids. During the past week or so, Bob had taken a liking to Mike. A liking to bullying Mike around and humiliating him in front of the other kids. Mike wasn't real keen on this, and had already suffered three very embarrassing incidents at the hands of Bob. This day, Bob had told him that after school he was going to give him the beating of his life. Mike was scared and as he looked side to side to see if Bob were around, his knees were shaking and he thought he was going to piss his pants.
After giving it what seemed like an hour, Mike decided that Bob wasn't around. He had watched almost all of the kids leave the schoolyard and Bob wasn't among them. All Mike could think was, "I only live four blocks away, if I sprint I should make it." He opened the door and bolted across the sidewalk, cutting the corner diagonally across the grass towards the street. He ran across the street and started sprinting up the sidewalk towards his home.
As he ran, he passed a few other kids that were walking home. These were kids that he knew from the neighborhood, but he didn't stop to exchange pleasantries with them when they yelled out their hello's. He kept running. "Made it one block," he said to himself as he passed the Hendersons nice brick ranch. They had two dogs in the yard and both of them ran the length of it with Mike as he passed. Mike sprinted across another street and was beginning to tire. As he was passing the huge oak tree in front of the Nolans house, he suddenly found himself flat on his back and gasping for air. Bob Lucas had jumped out from behind the tree and had swung a right hook that landed squarely on his chin. As he lay there, chin throbbing and all hope lost, Bob descended on him like a vulture to a corpse. Mike didn't have a chance and he spent the better part of a week in the hospital from the beating that Bob gave him.
There were more after that too. Many more. Each one more humiliating than the last. Bob tormented Mike for the better part of two years and Mike was too scared to say anything.
<>
Bob Lucas woke up sitting upright in a very hard chair. He didn't open his eyes right away because his head was pounding and his throat was dry. His condition was not unusual considering he drank himself stupid every single night. "I gotta stop doing this to myself," he thought as he shook his head a couple of times to release the cobwebs inside. He was twenty seven years old going on sixty and he knew that someday the drinking would kill him. As he reached up to wipe some of the drool from his mouth, he realized that his arms felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds. He tried to lift them, but he just couldn't. Opening his eyes, he looked down and all of a sudden he was confused. He saw that his arms were tied to the chair. He tried to move his legs, but they were bound as well. "What the....?" he exclaimed as he was instantly alert and looking around the room. The room was sparsley furnished and very dimly lit. The smell of cigarette smoke hung thickly in the air. Suddenly, he heard a click and an image was projected on the wall in front of him. It was an image of a small girl, nine, maybe ten years old. She was wearing a blue sweater, a plaid skirt, and a smile from ear to ear.
"Remember her?" a man's voice asked from behind him. He tried to turn and look but he couldn't get his head all the way around. The voice was vaguely familiar to him, but in his hungover state he couldn't place it.
"I said, DO YOU REMEMBER HER?" the man's voice was screaming now.
"Yes....yes, I remember. Cassidy Jenkins. I think. Yes. Cassidy Jenkins," he said to the mystery voice.
"Yes, That's correct. Cassidy Jenkins. You should remember her. You teased and tormented her for almost a year. Some suspected that you even raped her. Cute, isn't she? Or shall I say, wasn't she? She committed suicide on her seventeenth birthday. I'll bet you didn't know that, did you Bob?"
Bob was silent as he tried to figure out who the voice belonged to. The alcohol he had consumed the night before had muddled his brain and he couldn't think quite straight.
"Did you, Bob?" the voice asked more forcefully.
"No...no, I didn't. I forgot all about that bitch. She don't mean nothing to me. Hey, what are you..."
Bob was cut off in mid sentence by a hard punch to the back of his head. It made his head and neck snap forward violently. It also made him see stars.
"SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!" Bob yelled.
"Crack!" Another punch, this one harder than the first.
"Shut up Bob, or you're going to get worse," the voice said. Bob shook his head a few times but he didn't say another word. He looked down at his wrists and wondered if he could work himself free. The image on the wall jumped as he heard another click. He knew now what was happening. The man was using a slide projector. Bob felt like he was in the front row at the Beatdown Theater. Hell, he was the guest of honor.
The next slide was a face that he knew. Randy Frost was a little nerd that sat in the front row of his elementary math class. The kid was a tremendous dork and Bob remembered some of the nasty things he had done to him.
"Now, I know you must remember this one Bob," the voice said.
"Yes," Bob replied. "Randy Frost."
"Do you remember what you did to Randy?" The voice was teasing him now. The voice was enjoying this.
"Yes," Bob replied. "I scared that kid so bad once that he shit his pants." Bob was getting scared himself now. He realized how helpless his situation was.
"That's not all though, is it Bob?" the voice said.
"No." Bob was terrified now thinking of what he had done to this kid; what was going to happen to him. "I made him strip it off and eat it," Bob said in a barely audible whisper.
"What was that Bob?" asked the voice.
"I made him strip his shitty underwear off and eat it," Bob said louder. He had a slight hint of moisture in the corners of his eyes now.
"Yes," the voice said. "Yes you did." Bob heard a shuffling behind him and then he felt an unbearable pain in his left shoulder. He didn't know quite what had happened, but it felt like he had been stabbed with something. The pain was unbelievable and his tears started flowing for real.
"Look, you don't need to do this. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!" Bob was sobbing uncontrollably and begging for his life. "Please don't do this mister. Please don't...."
The man behind him grabbed the hilt of the knife that was sticking out of his shoulder and he gave it a hard turn. Bob screamed and then passed out.
When Bob woke up from his pain induced slumber, he thought that he had been having a bad dream. He was disoriented and sluggish. He raised his head and when he saw the image on the wall he knew that it was happening for real. The image was of a young boy dressed in blue jeans and a red flannel shirt. The boy was smiling happily for the camera and seemed as proud as any young boy could be.
"You back with me Bob?" the voice said. Bob didn't say a word. The man with the voice got up from his chair and started to walk towards Bob. Bob could hear the footsteps, and he braced himself for another punch or something worse. There was no punch, but the man walked right around Bob's left and stood right in front of him. Bob looked up, but silhouetted against the image on the wall behind him, he couldn't make out the man's face. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, took one out, put it in his mouth and then reached up with a lighter in his right hand. He flicked the lighter to life and lit the cigarette. In the glow of the lighters flame, Bob saw the face of the man who was tormenting him.
"Mister Sanders?" Bob exclaimed.
Fred Sanders smiled. He inhaled the cigarette smoke deeply and leaned down to within an inch of Bob Lucas' face. He blew the smoke out forcefully, right up Bob's nose causing him to cough violently.
"Yes, Bob. Mister Sanders," he said as he hit Bob tremendously hard with a right hook, bloodying and quite possibly breaking his nose.
"You see the boy on the wall behind me Bob?" Fred Sanders asked. That's my nephew Mike Thomas. You remember Mike, don't you Bob?" Bob just nodded his head yes, still reeling from the punch to his nose.
"You humiliated and tortured Mike for the better part of two years Bob. You did things to him that would make a grown man go insane. You know what Bob? I couldn't touch you then. As long as you intimidated Mike, he never said a word. I knew though, Bob. I knew." Fred Sanders stepped back and took another long drag on his cigarette. Bob could see that he was being studied by this man, by his former elementary school principal.
"It's different now Bob. I can touch you now. Just like the others before you. The other dead bullies." Fred smiled as he picked up a roll of duct tape and started to peel some off. Casually he covered Bobs mouth with the tape and reinforced the bindings around his wrists and ankles.
After he was done with the tape, he leaned down close to Bob. Almost in a whisper he said, "It's time to pay the piper, Bob. Mike also killed himself shortly after his seventeenth birthday. So did Randy and Cheryl Smithson and two or three other kids that you terrorized in that school. You thought all those years that you could get away with being a bully, a terrorist, an asshole. Well Bob, it's time you found out that you thought wrong."
Fred lifted his cigarette up to Bob's face and pushed its burning end into his left eye. Fred thought that the resulting sizzle and subsequent duct tape muffled scream from Bob were very satisfying. Fred then went over to the slide machine and pushed the "Auto" button. While the slides flashed one at a time on the wall behind him, while the young, dead faces of Bob's youth were acting as witnesses, Fred Sanders took Bob Lucas apart with a straight razor.
Entry 1:
absolutes
blank_mind
bob
CaptainThorns
Circe
comicbookguy
Coyote
darko
Davros
dodahdave
DonkeyOnTheEdge
engine13
ess-arr
FunnyAsCancer
jack11058
jgreening
JMG114
JonnyX
loki
Merlina
Method
munkeypants
ParlorTrick
polyamorousaj
Razor
satchel
sebcharrot
Snark
spedmonkey
stevie_says
The_Yellow_Dart
thecaes
thorpe
33 eligible votes (33 total) *
Entry 2:
Adamdidit2u
AshyLarry
b_badger
badassmofo
Bellebrown
Bigmike
BillsSBChamps
BLITZKREIG_BOB
BobLobla
BuckeyesTHEGAME
c1ndy
congo
doctorj24
Fabish
Jack_McCallum
joedaddy
kimmy02721
Magicaddict
Natsukau
Pentameter
shitfuck
Slovin
Viciousriffs
William_Q_Percy
zakalwe
23 eligible votes (25 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-29 13:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:48:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually thought that this little story was pretty good. My problem is that I write these stories from an older perspective.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That's not a problem.
Because it was.
The demographics of the site should have provided you with, "the answer", from day 1.
I'll leave the real question....... alone.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2005-07-29 03:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well...is suffices to say the only way I could possibly beat a great writer like Big Mike was to sell my soul to the devil.
Thanks to Mike, whose story I thought was well written and more than a little disturbing in a weirdly satisfying way.
Thanks also to all those who voted.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-28 22:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sad to see you out, Mike. You're one of those guys that I wish I read more of, but I don't dare because then I'd be your prisoner.
Even 'back in the day,' so to speak, I can't imagine a kid getting beaten so bad that he goes to the hospital for a week and no one does anything about it. I liked the concept but I just found that, and the suicides, too over the top.
It was a good post, you've got nothing to feel bad about.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually thought that this little story was pretty good. At first I had a hard time wrapping myself around the title, but then I was inspired by the whole kid tormenting kid thing and what would happen if an adult of authority finally got fed up with bullying. My problem is that I write these stories from an older perspective.
You see, when I was young there were no lawyers and lawsuits when it came to this kind of stuff. You got bullied and then life went on. You didn't tell your parents and as long as you kept your mouth shut, life went on. I liked the idea of revenge from the principals point of view. I also like the imagery of the murder being done while the slides are playing on the wall.
Parlor Trick did an excellent job of interpreting the title and writing a nice story to go along with it.
I really thought my story was good. That's the irony of Uber.
Actually though, I am kind of happy to be out. I have been so damn busy lately that I haven't had time to write anything, thus the absence of a continuation of the Carlo series.
To Parlor Trick, congrats and good luck. To the rest of you out there that like my stuff but rated me poorly or even mentioned that my piece might have sucked, I am sorry I disappointed you.
To those of you that entered absolute crap in hopes of winning round two, or worse, if you forfeited round two, well, this is what Uber is turning into. I'm not necessarily enamored of how this Madness has been organized or how the rules have been enforced. I realize though, that it is hard to do this kind of stuff so I guess I am being overly critical.
Anyway, thanks for the opportunity and the number one seeding. If anything, the seeding told me that you guys like what I am writing. I'm not sure how much more of it you will be seeing though. This is my final UberMadness.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-28 14:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike? You? I don't understand...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-28 10:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-28 09:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-28 09:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-28 09:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-28 01:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-28 00:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-07-27 23:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
You said it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-27 21:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was impertinent. I liked it.
Entry 2 was pretty good as well...but I have a hard time believing a bully can put another kid in the hospital -- REPEATEDLY -- and not have a horde of lawyers accost his parents. People fucking sue for spilling hot coffee on themselves, for god's sake. I felt the beatings and the suicides were going overboard.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-07-27 20:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Really messed up writing style. And not because the story was messed up but the way that last paragraph read was almost intolerable. But I voted for you nonetheless, Entry 2.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-27 20:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uhh, well I had intended to vote for 1. But I see it probably isn't going to make any difference anyway. Condolences author 1, it was a supremely good effort, but the average Uberer seems to prefer more mainstream material in their entry.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-27 20:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was all set to vote for 1, but two things hit me. How did it benefit Jesus himself to set up his own crucifixion? And I read #2.
But in the end, I'll vote for 1. It was more original, and I like the corroding cynicism. Mutilating bullies comes close, but not quite close enough.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-07-27 19:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-27 16:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-27 15:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-27 13:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god.
That last line in entry two did it for me. Masterfully done, author.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-27 10:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i didn't so much like number 1 as i didn't care for the meh-fest of entry 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-27 07:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-27 00:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
BOOOOOOOO
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-26 21:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-26 20:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 you are sooo go to hell
I just think you should know.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-26 17:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2005-07-26 17:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You tryin' ta say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I gotta go with the blasphemy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-26 15:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had to read these both twice...tough choice.
#1 was funny despite some technical inaccuracies
#2 was better written, but cliche.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-26 14:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
clever
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-26 13:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The night was quiet as the Muslims wouldn't be around for another 400 years."
BAHAHAHAHA!
I hope this vote comforts you, as you burn in the pits of hell, heretic!
Author #2 - boring, boring, boring.
Been done SO MANY MANY MANY MANY times before.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 - Blasphemy! I don't appreciate making fun of my religion. You ignoranus.
#2 - The principal?? Holy Moses!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 is written much better than #2, but I cannot in good conscience vote for such a blatant rip-off of everything from 'Holy Blood, Holy Grail' to 'The DaVinci Code.' I'm NOT saying it is plagerism, but it's just completely unoriginal, therefore #2 gets the vote, even though it contained this...
--
"Crack!" Another punch, this one harder than the first.
--
Did the punch speak?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno, I liked them both. Not loved, mind you. Liked.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please, Uber, restore my faith in ye.
Let me see entry 1 winning by a landslide.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-07-26 11:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
These are fucking awful.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Two, although well-written, was pretty weak.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God damnit, I knew there was something funny about that Jesus guy...
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boring, Boring, Boring
Submitted by b_badger (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry one was very clever, although it wasn't as funny as it should have been.
Entry two was a cookie-cutter, plot-driven revenge story. Nothing I haven't seen before, although still creepy.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-07-26 07:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-07-26 06:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked them both.
#2 seemed a little rushed at the end.
So Entry 1 by a hair.
-Dave
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-26 04:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
While Number 2 was well written, 1 had a hook I found very clever.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-26 04:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And number two didn't really suit the title, now that I think about it.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-26 04:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gotta go with Entry One. Entry two seemed incomplete and rushed towards the end.
LOL JESUS!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-26 04:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-26 03:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment