Doing Battle with XEROX (570 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.44 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lagan Group (View user info) at 2005-07-26 08:42:41 EDT
The task seemed easy enough: a one-page Word document, an 8-1/2x11 PDF and an 11x17 PDF. Perhaps if I had kneeled in prayer to the XEROX gods last night I would be on their good side today.
The first two documents were deceptively easy, but when I tried to print the 11x17, Adobe decided to shrink it down to 8-1/2x11. OK, just a simple page setup change later, and... What the hell?
The paper was spat from XEROX with some mysterious green goo on it. The material content unknown to me (and no accessible MSDS sheets), I figured I would play it safe and reprint it. Perhaps, in retrospect, it was the opening wound to the XEROX - the first blood that commanded the fierce battle to follow.
With two more copies were required of me, I set out to conquer XEROX - a bold decision for a Monday morning.
The first skirmish was launched from an infiltration to my computer. XEROX interpreted my request for two copies of the 8-1/2x11 as two copies of the 8-1/2x11 on 11x17 paper. I parried the attack with a page setup command, but the battle lines were drawn with my next move.
On attempt to print the 11x17, I was struck down by the true wrath of XEROX - the dreaded Paper Jam.
The notification pops up on my computer alerting me that XEROX is in dire trouble, and needs immediate attention. I rush back and see that the 11x17 sheet is lodged in its gullet.
"Slide open finisher" the UI displays. I am not one to take orders from a machine, let alone a cruddy XEROX printer, so I attempt to muscle out the pages. The first one comes out easily enough, revealing a second sheet - the culprit - lodged deeper inside. It too is removed from the depths of XEROX's throat.
"Slide open finisher" flashes the machine. But I already fixed it you ungrateful bastard!
"Slide open finisher." I realize that I cannot win this battle, and push aside the finishing tray.
"Open top-left door." Such a high-maintenance machine - it must be female, I theorize as I open the panel. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, I shut the panel and close the finisher.
"Slide open finisher." Goddamn. What more does it want? I reopen the finishing tray.
"Open top-left door." Ok, easy enough...
"Open top-left door." What? I already did! But I look closer, and see a SECOND door! I continue to delve deeper into the demonic depths.
"Clear paper jam." Oh, look here, NO PAPER JAM! Could that be because I already fixed it!? I slam the doors shut and walk back to my computer.
I can hear XEROX start to warm up when it launches a cunning attack. A new message pops up on my screen: "User intervention required."
Intervention? What the hell? Should I gather the other employees? I walk back to XEROX.
"Reload Tray 3 - 11x17." Good God, now you need more paper? I open Tray 3 (read: bottomless pit of despair), nudging the garbage can. I feed it 11x17 paper, and close the tray again and readjust the garbage can. Then the screen goes blank.
Oh shit, I just killed XEROX. I mash the buttons, but at no avail. XEROX is gone, the victim of excessive paper abuse. Maybe I should have held the intervention after all.
After an extensive search, I find that the garbage can knocked the plug loose from the wall. A short time later after rebooting, XEROX came back online, and succumbs to my wishes - spitting out the last of my request.
This is going to be a long week.
User Reviews
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-07-26 12:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stick your dick in it and moan like a cat in heat.
Submitted by Snowynorth (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
PC load letter?! What the fuck does that mean?
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey, your xerox sounds like it has the same internal chip that my scanner has: the more busy/stressed you are, the slower it works until it finally packs up completely.
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Submitted by LaganGroup (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:52:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha - funny of you to mention the 1050c... that's the big color blueprint plotter - right? We are actually stuck with that one for the day because our main printer (KIP 2000) suffered a terminal paper jam yesterday.
It hasn't given me any rebellious attitude yet, though. I think most of the people are afraid to print to it.
[PS How do you "reply" to reviews?]
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like this.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It sounds like you have my job. My apologies.
Submitted by entrophize (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Just the faxes, ma'am."
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
0 streak!
Submitted by LaganGroup (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha - funny of you to mention the 1050c... that's the big color blueprint plotter - right? We are actually stuck with that one for the day because our main printer (KIP 2000) suffered a terminal paper jam yesterday.
It hasn't given me any rebellious attitude yet, though. I think most of the people are afraid to print to it.
[PS How do you "reply" to reviews?]
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do battle with a one-eyed fat man and post pictures.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-26 08:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You need to learn the karate chop for that one. Come back when you have to deal with the Darth Vader of printers, the HP 1050c.
DUN DUN DUN