I get it now. (1288 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.93 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-28 14:57:46 EDT
I get it now. Today I tasted the power.
I'm the kind of person who is a very careful, considerate driver. I always leave a nice space in merging traffic for other people to get in front of me. I will wave somebody ahead when they're trying to pull out of a parking lot. I'm NICE, do you get it? I'm KIND. I'm THOUGHTFUL.
And I've always been polite. When people cut me off, when they almost cause accidents, when they sit in the passing lane doing the exact same speed as me so I can't overtake anything, I murmur frustrated little sounds of annoyance under my breath and give them leeway to make their stupid mistakes. I am not aggressive or impatient.
Today I had a headache, I was tired, I was running late, and my lovely, adorable, beautifully scatterbrained sister called me in a mad panic.
"Lynnie! Lynnie, I need you come and get me from the mall."
"Why?"
"Because you know how my car starts with a screwdriver?"
This was the part of the coversation where I lay my head on the kitchen counter and idly thought about just going to sleep on a train track. "Yeah, dude, I know."
"Well, because I don't need the keys to start it, I left my keys at home, and left my door unlocked so I could get back in the car, but I came back to the car and someone had locked the door and now I can't get in and I have to take the girls their lunch at school please Lynnie come and get me?"
The list of dumbass things I could have chastised her for was too long, and I was too damned tired. "Sure. Be there in a bit."
On the way back to her place, an SUV pulled out in front of me, ignoring the stop sign, and I had to slam on the brakes to make sure I didn't accordion my poor little station wagon into his rear end.
And in that moment of frustration, fear, adrenaline, and tiredness, I laid on the horn for a good three seconds.
And oh. My. God. If I had a dick, it would have been hard.
The driver jumped, swerved, slowed down, and drove off with his head hanging.
And I felt the righteous fucking power of God fill me like wine. "Did you SEE that?"
My sister put her head in her hands and muttered something like "Great, Lynda's got a new game." I'm not sure, I wasn't paying much attention. I was looking for Sinners.
A red car pulled out to overtake me on a double white line. Four seconds.
A truck didn't move when the light changed. Two seconds.
Do you know? Are you aware? Have you SEEN the reaction you get with a good solid blaring noise? People, man, people can't fucking deal with it. They jump and look around all guilty. It takes them out of their car-driving-coma and wakes them up!
This is it. This is a new chapter in my life. No more fucking doormat. No more will the automotive assholes of the world intimidate me. The centre of my steering wheel is where my salvation lies. THE CENTRE OF MY STEERING WHEEL IS MY GOD.
I'm currently working on a way to carry a car horn with me wherever I go. Kids are making too much noise? 6 seconds. Husband is doing that humping-my-ass-in-his-sleep thing? That's a solid ten seconds right there.
I'll carry it in shopping centres. You push ahead of me in line, and you'd better be wearing earplugs because I'm going to fuck up your midlevel hearing range like a motherfucker.
This is my time. Let the horns of freedom sound their welcoming note for the new DAWN OF RIGHTEOUSNESS.
(gis for Give me my horn or give me death)
User Reviews
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-03 03:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-03 02:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Great, Lynda's got a new game." I'm not sure, I wasn't paying much attention. I was looking for Sinners. """
Fantastic line in a fantastic piece.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-08-02 14:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any such noise within close proximity causes me to go on a murderous rampage.
You should see my handmade scalp rug, and matching doilies from the last time that happened. I'm creative like that.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-02 13:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think this would work around here. It'll just be more incentive for people to drive like assholes. God knows they're bad enough as it is...
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-01 16:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And I felt the righteous fucking power of God fill me like wine"..
__
I like you now, Circe... sorry about the earlier bad blood commentaries from yours truly ; )
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-01 00:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In this post, absolutely nothing happened. You had to pick your sister up, and you started beeping your horn at people. That's it. Yet you still managed to make it the funniest post of the day.
That is truly a gift.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-01 00:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you were my mom, my sister, my lover, my coffee in the misty dawn... better stop before i piss off Big M. ++++ (Always have to check you and the big guy first when I've been away for few days- always worth my time. I typically don't sober when I type, but wth
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-07-31 08:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, on the little known debut album (a double album i might add) of Bob Punklyn is the track
"I have got a horn"
lyrics and snorkel work by STD
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-07-31 08:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i must try this
i have always been meek as well
TIME TO UNLEASH THE HORN
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-30 09:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-07-30 09:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect. +2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-30 08:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could do with one to blast at my team manager, and down the phone at customers.
Fuckers.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
scoring system my frieds and i have:
10 points for running someone over.
15 points for women in zimmer frames. sure theyre an easier target, but just for hilarity value, we figure its worth more.
currently, its a tense stand-off as everyone is deadlocked on 0 points.
see if you can tap into this newfound rage to break the deadlock.
Submitted by Korrineine (user info) at 2005-07-29 09:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh. My. God. If I had a dick, it would have been hard.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-29 06:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As a concsiencous driver I always shout "fuck you!" out the window and turn the music up whenever I hear a horn.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-29 05:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY HEY, Siren's back!
Hey Ser-Sea, for you.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66916
http://www.ubersite.com/m/67383
linkwhores, I'm sorry, but you're a star.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-29 05:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plusmotherfuckinggoddamnedtwo!
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-07-29 04:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good post, but my (hubby's) carhorn isn't so satisfying. i cant thump the middle of the steeringwheel, I have little buttons in thumbs reach of the outer rim and an airbag in the middle. it's a real bummer. as is finding out that my hubby wont let me fit a horn that plays "la cucaratcha" to his car...ok so i have no taste.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-29 04:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I forgot to mention-- little freon air horns are your friend. Get them from any marine supply store. They work wonders in an enclosed space, and little kids almost never expect it.
On a completely unrelated note, if you're an eight-year old boy with a seven-year old stepbrother, I strongly recommend NOT to argue over who gets the Welch's grape soda and who gets stuck with the Orangina when your father is pissed off that it's taking so long for everyone to get ready for the goddamn sailing trip. Airhorn-induced incontinence may result. You know, hypothetically.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-29 04:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Careful how you apply that horn, or you could end up shot. Or is that just an American thing?
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-07-29 04:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Roommates waking me up, 2 seconds. No wait. Ah screw it.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-07-29 03:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-07-29 01:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-07-28 23:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. now read this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/71816
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-07-28 21:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-28 21:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3 fucking's
1 fuck
1 motherfucker
*shakes head*
swearing jar, Ser-Sea.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-28 21:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
meep meep
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-28 19:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the power of the horn.
Oddly satisfying
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-07-28 18:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There should be a left foot horn pedal for automatics.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-28 18:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't do it Circe!
I'm a rubbish driver so I have to be very careful. I always act smug when I hear people tell road rage stories. Then, a few weeks ago I got involved in a massive early morning stand off with a van who wanted me to reverse all the way down a one way street so he could illegally go down it. He got REALLY REALLY angry and we had a stubborn stand up with traffic building up. I was stupid and lucky he didn't punch me in the head or come back and scratch my car. Be nice to the other drivers!
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2005-07-28 17:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to road rage! An amazing release of tension.
Except for one fact. The horn on my Corolla (shut up shut up shut up) emits a pleasant little, "toot!" So not satisfying or intimidating.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-07-28 17:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I use my horn all the time, to pretty much no effect. In Mexico, the use of the horn pretty much replaces the use of any kind of stop sign or turn signal.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-07-28 17:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:19:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
My horn sucks. It's all high-pitched and queer-sounding.
--------------------------------------------------------
I have a very manly horn...wanna bl...never mind, I'll be nice...hahahaha
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-28 17:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:12:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
The wife always yells at me for honking at cocksuckers like that. Of course it hasn't stopped me
-----------------
My wife used to, until we moved to the city. Now she's worse than I am!
I'm afraid to ride my bike becuase she might be behind me in traffic!
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-07-28 16:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have an airbrained sibling as well, kept losing his keys so he stopped locking his car, it lasted about a week in his work neighborhood.
Now you understand why we men like using (did not say blow) the horn.
+2 again
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-28 16:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you think the horn works wonders, you should try slamming into their rear end while wrecklessly waiving a gun out the driver's side window!
Talk about speeding up!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-28 16:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-28 16:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Husband is doing that humping-my-ass-in-his-sleep thing? That's a solid ten seconds right there.
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ooh thank the lord im not the only one who humps in their sleep.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-28 16:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All right Lynster!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-28 16:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I smell sulfur for some reason....
Submitted by Frank_Grimes (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Husband is doing that humping-my-ass-in-his-sleep thing? That's a solid ten seconds right there.
-------
That is so wrong, because your husband owns you and should be able to hump whatever part of you he wants to.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:19:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
My horn sucks. It's all high-pitched and queer-sounding.
--
Just like the conversations I hear on every coner here in San Francisco then?
Submitted by Haggard (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had an old Mustang that would start without the key. Just turn the ignition and off it went. As a result, I stopped using the keys altogether and eventually lost them. One day, I parked on the side of a busy road to look at a truck someone had for sale. When I tried to start it, it decided that the key was now required. I took a hammer to it and managed to break off the part you turn to start it.
When the tow truck came, we couldn't get the car out of park and it was dragged onto the back of the tow truck, which screwed up my transmission. That was the last time I saw that mustang. I miss 'er.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crudite (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:20:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to put an air horn on my Harley. You wanna see some people soil their skivvies?
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I have an airhorn in my pick up truck, scares the dentures right outta the old ladies in the crosswalk.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I tell ya'. Woman drivers...
Submitted by Crudite (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to put an air horn on my Harley. You wanna see some people soil their skivvies?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My horn sucks. It's all high-pitched and queer-sounding.
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Does your husband often dream of farm animals?
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to fuck up your midlevel hearing range like a motherfucker.
----------------------------
*Swoons*
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a similar revelation a few months ago.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The wife always yells at me for honking at cocksuckers like that. Of course it hasn't stopped me
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I promise you, I will read everything you ever write. Jus lemme know it's there.
You fucking RUDE driver you. You'd fit right in, in Boston, New York, and Mexico City. Rome, too, from what I hear.
"...Husband is doing that humping-my-ass-in-his-sleep thing? That's a solid ten seconds right there."
This made me pee.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let the hate flow through you.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I make it a point to honk at a minimum of 4-5 people a day. People around here drive like fucking morons.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STFU COMMITTEE MEMBER!
-2 DIE
Laying on the horn is awesome and empowering.
I think I might scare the shit out of a few random people on the way home from work today.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Husband is doing that humping-my-ass-in-his-sleep thing?
--------------------------------------------
that 10 second horn might wake up his "peener" and give you an even bigger surprise
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me horny.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Road rage rules.
Submitted by kadunkadunk (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll carry it in shopping centres. You push ahead of me in line, and you'd better be wearing earplugs because I'm going to fuck up your midlevel hearing range like a motherfucker.
wear a cape.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Congrats on your first taste of manhood. Now just replace 'horn' with 'hangdown,' and you truly know what it's like to be a muchacho.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-28 15:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Before I got my new car, my horn was broken. Now I have a nice, loud bitch to give people a piece of my mind.
Too bad I can't hear it because my music is so loud....