Some days I just want to give it all up and join Delta Force... (1235 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: The_Office
Rating: 1.96 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spam (View user info) at 2005-07-29 09:53:35 EDT
So there I am, sitting happily at my desk (or at least in the state of slack-jawed emotional numbness that is the closest I get to happiness in this place), when the twat sitting behind me, obviously feeling that life isn't difficult enough for me on this hung-over Thursday morning, decides to astonish me with her capacity for inanity by engaging me in 'conversation'. There's no lead up to her dialogue, no 'Hello, how you doing' or such, she just goes straight into the killer blow and proceeds to bludgeon me with her stupidity from the off.
"I ate like a pig this weekend..." she says.
Curiosity at why on earth she would feel the need to share this with me aside, I can see absolutely no incentive to continue this line of discussion and my stock response is usually to ignore her in the somewhat futile hope that she'd go away - on this occasion however, her randomness and my early morning lethargy conspire against me and I utter a knee-jerk response of...
"Huh?"
This simple question is an open invitation for her to bore me into a coma. I swear, she didn't hear a sleepy 'Huh?', she hears an enthused: "Why thank you Carol, I was having a positively dull morning until you hinted that there might be a possibility that you would regale me with a riveting and exciting rhapsody on your weekend dietary habits. Please... continue,"
Acknowledging this bitch is like agreeing to a date with Mike Tyson - I'm just ASKING to be raped. Hence, she responds in the only way she knows how and continues with a 'check out how WILD am' tone of excitement.
"Yeah, on Friday I had a KFC before I went out, and then a burger on the way home. On Saturday I had a Chinese and on Sunday I had fish and chips AS WELL as a cheese sandwich later that evening... AND I was eating crisps and chocolate ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!!!!!"
Dear god the inhumanity.
I unleash a soul weary sigh and in a tone if complete disinterest I say: "Really?"
...I can be such a fucking glutton for punishment sometimes.
"I KNOW!!!!!" She shouts before changing subjects without even a pause for breath "I need some new shoes too..."
she waits for a second for a response that is never going to come before continuing, completely nonplussed by my taciturnity.
"Yeah, the heel broke off whilst I was out on Saturday and..."
Annoyed at the anguish they are causing, my brain decides to abandon all further contact with my treacherous eardrums and I manage to phase out the sound of her voice. I am now forced to sit in a silence that would be blissful were It not accompanied by an image of her face, mouth flapping away with abandon, doubtless spewing forth yet further mindless drivel.
All I can think about during this period of self-imposed silence is just how fucking awesome it must be to be Chuck Norris.
You see, Chuck doesn't have to deal with such trivialities as annoying Cunts with lots to talk about and nothing to say. If I were him right now, I could quickly lean forward, grip both sides of her head, twist it, and POW! - In less than half a second, the source of all my misery has to deal with the fact that her third, fourth and fifth vertebrae now resemble the Soviet Union circa 1993. Christ, that'd be sweet.
She stops abruptly, and asks "What are you thinking about?"
"Chuck Norris"
Completely thrown by the sudden appearance of The Bearded Warrior in her otherwise pointless conversation, Carol goes silent and eventually walks away with a somewhat confused and worried expression.
Chuck saves the day yet again.
This is like an epiphany for me, Imagine if somehow there was a way to infuse yourself with an inner Chuckness - you wouldn't have to worry about dull discussions ever again because you could end every one on a high note with a lightening-fast death move. Dumbass OAP sitting next to you on the tube wants to discuss the weather? A swift chop to the throat should alleviate her need for company pretty fucking sharpish.
Of course, there are instances other than spontaneous neck-breakery when tapping into your inner Chuck would be hugely beneficial. Next time my boss strolls over and starts giving me shit, for example - Instead of advising him "Yes, I DID get the memo," I could wordlessly hold up my keyboard and snap it clean in two over my face before turning round to him - still with a few keys still sticking into my forehead - and saying "I'm sorry, what was that?".
After witnessing that, Boss-man has better things to worry about than the missing coversheet on my TPS reports.
Fuck it Uber, I'm off to join delta force so I can get one of those bikes with fuck-off rockets in the headlights.
User Reviews
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-17 13:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-11 07:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome dude.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-08-11 04:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to go with the crowd, but this is pretty funny
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-08-11 03:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by burt_mianus (user info) at 2007-08-11 03:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i went out recently and actually paid money to buy Chuck's most iconic movie (Delta Force) and came to the conclusion that although the motorbikes with rockets on the front are fucking cool, the Hercules planes with rocket boosters are even more impressive. Plus who can forget the music that is played when those rockets fire and the plane blasts off from the asphalt? mmmmmmmmm Hans Zimmerman could learn a lot
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-04 05:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"still with a few keys still sticking into my forehead - and saying "I'm sorry, what was that?". "
Fucking kick ass dude.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-02 21:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rather, that's fucking awesome. excellent.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-02 21:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-02 07:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"so damned Good!"
Ha! if you saw the colossal piece of shit I'm writing now, you may not be so generous with your praise.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-08-02 07:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-02 06:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no pressure at all, man. just kidding! i just always get nervous during these rounds, especially when my competitor is so damn good.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-02 04:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Arrrgh!! stop pressuring me man!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-01 20:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope someday you want to post your UMIII entry...
good luck to you sir.
Submitted by dbhjw (user info) at 2005-08-01 15:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything that involves invoking the might of Chuck is +2 material to be sure.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-01 05:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
only 285 hits? for this work of unparalleled genius?
Where's Pock and his excessive camping when you need him?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious man!
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/27550/
PULL THE FUCKING LEVER, CONAN!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in the same boat. My coworked invades my cube, and helps himself to my equipment. I'm gonna try the random phrase method. so far the pick up the phone and start talking method is working, but I don't want it to get played out.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-07-29 12:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:38:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
CHUCK NORRIS! FUCK YEAH!!
Gonna save the motherfuckin' day yeah!
--
I now cannot stop singing this fucking song.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:47:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
chuck norris is a faggot bitch pussy.
---
BLASPHEMY!!!!
You're just jealous because some geek with asthma kicked your ass after training for two days with The One True Chuck.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chuck Norris. Oh yes.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
chuck norris is a faggot bitch pussy.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you that kid from that movie with Chuck Norris?
Oh, OK.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CHUCK NORRIS! FUCK YEAH!!
Gonna save the motherfuckin' day yeah!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck me, this is almost halfway down the page already!!
time to insert some pointless reviews.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mindless dervel? Why I oughta... No wait..
Phew, I was about to cry then.
Carry on.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spontaneous neck-breakery
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
with the somewhat crap quality of posts being put on baw of late, id think it would be a travesty if this didnt get up there.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chuck Norris sucks hairy monkey balls. This, on the other hand...
I'll talk to my guys at Delta, see if we can't work something out.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 FUCKING TWO POINT ONE THREE FIVE SEVEN ONE
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They don't make those bikes anymore.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-29 09:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-29 09:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKING CHUCK NORRIS!