My Brief Infatuation With Flatulence (1144 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.57 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by spedmonkey <spedmonkey.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-29 10:46:52 EDT
Like usual, thanks to DonkeyOnTheEdge for the title.
I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm lactose intolerant. Granted, the fact that eating cheesecake always seems to give me projectile diarrhea should have tipped me off, but I'm slow. Shut up.
So what to do about said intolerance? It would probably make sense to get pills or something for this, right?
Fuck you, pills are for pussies. I'll just skate it off.
Besides, why take pills when I can instead bathe in the pleasant smell of my own farts scant minutes after eating a cheese quesadilla? Let's face it, every man secretly loves the smell of his own farts, whether he admits it or not. If I had to choose between smelling a delicious apple pie for the rest of my life, or my own nastiest fart, the fart will win, every time.
See, I have a special relationship with my farts. Some have even said I'm a little too close with them. Well, don't knock it till you've tried it, fucker. Let me tell you, it's a nice change of pace when something's only using that hole to exit, for once.
What?
Um, anyway, so last weekend I was sitting at home eating some ice cream, when I felt the familiar warning tremors. Off I rushed to the toilet, with a Dave Barry book to keep me company. I sat down on the throne, and started launching my dropships.
And yet, no dropships came. I guess the pilots were all still asleep, those lazy bastards. I'm gonna have to start cutting their pay.
What did come, though, was the most unbelievable fart I've ever heard, smelled, or seen. That's right, seen. See, after a good solid ten seconds of flatulence, a greenish cloud drifted out, surrounding me.
"Holy FUCK!" I shouted, and jumped for the ceiling fan switch. And then a hand caught me.
"Not so fast," said a female voice. I turned around and saw the hottest women ever standing there. Except that she was green, gaseous, and smelled vaguely of chili. But hey, beggars can't be choosers.
"Well. This is interesting," I said.
"That's an overstatement," she said.
"Don't you mean understatement?"
"No, dumbass. This happens all the time, especially after people eat their weight in chili cheese dogs the night before." She paused and looked me over. "That's a lot of hot dogs, too. Damn."
"Hey, fuck you. I had a diet coke with them. That counts for something."
"Sure, Chubby Checker. Whatever you say. Anyhow, I have a business proposition for you."
"Let me guess, you have about thirty million hidden in a secret bank account in my anus, and you need ten thousand to pay off enough people to get it out, right? Because I'm just waiting for three other deals just like that to pay off, so I don't need another."
She acted all surprised. "What? You retard! That's the oldest scam in the book. I can't believe you fell for that."
Fuck. It's probably not a good thing when your own farts call you retarded.
"Anyway, my proposition's nothing like that," she continued. "See, my bank's in Nigeria, and I need fifty thousand."
"Oh. Well in that case, here."
I walked over to the den to grab my checkbook. When I got back, she was stripped naked, and lying on the couch, spread wide open.
"I changed my mind," she said. "Why don't you pay me for... services rendered?"
"But I don't know how!"
"What, you're a virgin? Here, I'll show you."
"No, I mean I've only done it with men before."
She stared.
"But I'm not gay, really! We were just spooning as friends, and then I slipped. And then we did it the other way around, and he slipped, too."
"OK, prove it. Come here, little boy. And I do mean little. You are Asian, after all."
I walked over to the couch.
"Hey, look down at my crotch. See that?" I asked.
"Whoa. OK, I take that back. You can be as big a boy as you want."
I laughed. "You know, it's kind of sad that you believed me."
"What do you mean?"
"You should know I'll never do it with a woman, even if she is my own fart. Pshh, what do you think I am, straight or something?"
She pointed at my pants. "Looks like your penis disagrees."
"Oh yeah? Well, guess what?"
"What?"
I slowly reached into my pants, and then yanked it out. "IT'S FEBREZE, BITCH!"
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
buahaha
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:56:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent. You have my 1001th review
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
thats how to get a girlfriend
Submitted by mechagodzilla (user info) at 2005-08-04 19:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ocmcmmoenttn
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-02 09:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for being lactose intolerant!
+1 for not fucking your whore of a fart!
And TAG! YOUR IT!
<runs away>
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-01 22:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to make farts funny without being an obnoxious fuck face.
How can one not +2 "Brief infatuation with *something immature to think about*"?
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-07-31 13:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72006#1493043
Sorry, I am an idiot.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-29 19:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eating cheesecake always seems to give me projectile diarrhea
___________________
It's worth it. Pills are for pussies, real men take the shit!
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-29 18:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man ... I don't know where to begin.
I think I'll just reread it and giggle some more.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
review?
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1800 BITCHES
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm dairy intolerant too!!
=( howcome nothing cool like that ever happens to me? DAMN YOUUUU!!!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But I'm not gay, really! We were just spooning as friends, and then I slipped. And then we did it the other way around, and he slipped, too."
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. It's probably not a good thing when your own farts call you retarded.
---------------------------------------------------
Ohh, sped, I enjoy your posts. I can honestly say I could not predict the ending.
Un-enlightened others may detract from the merits of a good fart post, but not I. Seriously man, you had me in stitches. Plus, as I write this I feel my stomach trying to squeeze out a hot green woman...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm.. lactose intolerance...
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-07-29 12:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a great honor.
Or something.
----------------
Everything you ever wanted to know about rockinrory
User id: 20883
Registered on or around: 2005-07-28 17:47:09
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Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-29 12:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You have one review. Did you really create a new alter just to -2 me? I don't know whether to be flattered or disgusted.
Submitted by rockinrory (user info) at 2005-07-29 12:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lame Lame Lame Lame LAME! You had me until the stink lady appeared....so much possibility,landed with a thud.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-29 12:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny man
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MORE PEOPLE WILL READ IT IF YOU DON'T ASSOCIATE THE TITLE WITH ME! PPLZ EVRWHR LUV 2 H8 ME!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
entrophize: http://www.ubersite.com/m/71236
Thanks, Captain Emo.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by entrophize (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ok I won't even charge you for me to guess your age.
Is it ... 9?
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FEBREEZE! THAT DAMN FART KILLER!
Submitted by kadunkadunk (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to be your fart for halloween.