Beer, Blood & Bullshit (792 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Fiction
Rating: 2 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (View user info) at 2005-07-29 16:00:19 EDT
"Excuse me, could you give me a hand here for a second?"
The vampire was hunched over a reclining chair. His head was shaved bald, and he had a relatively large gauged bull ring in his nose. He also had a cast on his arm.
"Sure, man," I said, grabbing the back of the chair after I put my bag of groceries down.
We loaded the chair onto the back of a pick up truck. The vampire pushed the front of it all the way until it was flush with the cab, and closed the tailgate. He attached a bungee
cord to one of the hooks in the back and tossed me the other end.
"Thanks a lot. I thought with undead strength, I would be able to move it even though I could only use one arm. Couldn't balance it very well. You should have seen me getting it down here from the third floor."
"Bet that was a bitch. What happened to your arm?"
"Fucking vampire hunter. He had holy water loaded in a super soaker, and he sprayed my whole arm. Ate right down to the bone. That shit doesn't heal as easily as regular injuries. Good thing my Dead-i-care card covered it at the hospital."
"I can't believe there are still zealots running around out there trying to do the good work," I said, shaking my head. "That's so... I don't know, last millennium."
"Yeah, you would think the the UCRA of '12 would have shut most of them up," he said referring to the Undead Citizens' Rights Act. That was almost a decade ago.
"I just can't believe that here in 2020, people are still prejudice against the mortally challenged.
"Man when I dated a Deadhead, my parents flipped out. Said that in their time, a 'Deadhead' meant an aging hippy. Some people just can't accept change."
"They're probably conservatives, aren't they?" I nodded. "Not surprised," he continued.
"Can't handle that a walking corpse still pays taxes."
"That's not very PC of you," I laughed. "I thought that's what Zombies wanted to be called now."
"Hey man, Zombies, Ghouls, Vampires, whatever! We're all dead."
"I have a question, but it's kind of fucked up. Have you ever accidentally called a Ghoul a Zombie?"
"Hell yes! You get a Ghoul whose bad on the hygiene and he looks like a decaying piece of shit, you assume it's a Zombie. They think just because they eat human flesh, they're so much more sophisticated. Not that we're any better."
We laughed, and I reached into my bag and pulled out a bottle of Mt. Dew. I grabbed a bottle of Budweiser Red and offered it to the vampire. He looked surprised.
"You didn't strike me as the groupie type," he said referring to the mortals that are disciples to a vampire.
"I'm not. My best friend got bit a few years back. I always keep a few bottles around for him."
"That's cool," he said taking a swig of the blood laced beer. "So get this, I was in a bar the other night, and I got into a huge argument with a werewolf."
He took another swig and continued. "So I'm talking to this guy right, and he's talking total shit on Changelings. And I point out to him, that by all extensive reasoning, he's a Changeling. Fucking flips out, man. No, listen! I say, why is it, any humanoid that changes shape from a human guise into any other animalistic form, let alone another human form, is a Changeling, but if you turn into a wolf, that's somehow different? Dude loses it."
"Ya know, I've always wondered about it, but never wanted to ask. Lycanthrope-Americans take their heritage so damn serious."
"Exactly! You can turn into a snake, a bird, a fucking muskrat, but somehow your special because you change into a wolf? How's that work?"
"Maybe they have a different genetic structure or something. Don't Changelings have, like, ninety-seven chromosomes? Maybe Werewolves don't."
"That's a pretty lame basis for argument, though."
"I bet if I went to the SFA web site, it would tell me."
"The Satanic Faith Alliance is a joke. I went to a few meetings at the local antichurch, back when I was first bitten, and all they could tell me about my new condition was how I had been blessed by the great Dark Lord. No Noc-Occ therapy, no social security claims adjustments, nothing."
"There's a booming field," I said. "Nocturnal Occupational Therapy. Helping fledgling vampires adjust to working only night jobs. I knew a guy who cleared over a hundred grand last year doing that."
"Noc-Occ hooked me up. I used to do construction, now I get paid twice as much for working security at the Hell-Well over on Briton Street."
"I couldn't believe it took this town that long to get a demonic wellness center. You've probably seen some crazy shit there."
"Last week I had to break up a fight between an Etruscan bloodminion and a Dagonian disciple. Busted up an entire racket ball court, all because someone had scheduled their times wrong."
"That's insane. Listen, I hate to run, but I got ice cream melting."
"Hey man, no problem! Thanks for the help, and thanks for the beer."
"You live in the complex?"
"Apartment twenty-nine."
"I'm in seventeen. Stop by sometime. Oh yeah, I'm Brian."
"I'm Jeff," he said shaking my hand.
"Cool, man. Nice meeting you."
"You, too."
I got my bag of groceries, climbed the steps and went home.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-17 12:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so what's the dif between a ghoul and a zombie?
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-09-11 23:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see you have a humourous side to compliment your dark side.
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This might be my favorite that you've done.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-07-30 00:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-29 19:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very well done
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-29 19:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a fine ear for dialogue.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-29 19:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Folklore meets the politically correct. Ruh roh!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-29 18:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just for the title.
Submitted by prettyvacant (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Effing awesome
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was pretty damn good.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really digging your work.
Really
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. this was good.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies. Yes.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That kicked ass.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was cool, but not as polished as your usual stuff. Working on a new universe?
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it.
A little slice of life, er...death? Undeath? Nevermind.
Good stuff.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hot shit, what a full plate of awesomeness this was.