Imagination (897 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (View user info) at 2005-07-31 13:19:45 EDT
It always seemed poetic to me that I gave up my virginity on the first day of the war in Iraq. Sex and death, le petit morte and les grandes mortes at the same time, a marriage of youth and creation and possibility and discovery to ancient grudges, armored tanks, weapons of mass destruction. I had decided that I was ready the day before he arrived. The courtship had seemed long enough, I wanted him, my parents wouldn't be home that afternoon... I didn't know that the invasion would happen. It's not that domestic matters like my first fuck could trump my concern for world events, after all, I did eat smoke and ash for the week after the towers fell...I had been a witness. Something certainly felt like it was turning faster and faster, but I couldn't be sure if it was attributable to the detonation of my hormones or to the external events that gave the appearance of apocalypse.
Somehow I've always had a gift for saying the right thing in situations when most people would find themselves tripping on their tongues. He got to the door and I wasn't even nervous—something sexy came out of my mouth and he held my hand as we walked up the stairs. Warm mid-afternoon light came in through the windows, my parents were safely at work, and his blue button down shirt and gray pants fit him so well. The colors made his eyes stand out like a 3-d movie special effect.
Long before the day that the bombs started going off and my cherry popped, I tried to imagine the first moment of sex, what it would feel like, how I would feel. I'd lay in my bed with a finger in my cunt knowing full well that it couldn't be that anticlimactic...and there certainly was no thrill in sticking Tampax up there. Compulsive reading of Cosmpolitan and Marie Claire didn't do much better in satisfying my curiosity since their advice was usually much more interested in teaching me how to satisfy a man. Every step we climbed had me closer to finally knowing, closer to the end of imagination, closer to the answer of the question "What will it feel like when I finally have sex?"
In just the same way I had tried to imagine what it would be like to have a period. All of the descriptions that the initiated could provide seemed to be completely inadequate in my quest to imagine the feeling---"it feels like moisture," "just a warm wet feeling all of a sudden," or "sometimes there are dull aches in your stomach just before." I conjured up feelings of drips and gushes, of rivulets of blood that felt alive and pulsating, as if I was shedding my life force, not just some extra lining. When the long anticipated moment finally came as I was prepping for a trip to "Teacher's Night" at MacDonald's, I was somehow disappointed at just how accurate their descriptions had been. There was no dramatic pulsating river of life force...just moisture, a little dull aching. It was exactly as I'd been told it would feel. I sat on the side of my bed and tried to force a tampon in to damn up the flow and I couldn't sit down comfortably for the rest of the night.
Sex turned out much the same way. When the moment finally came that I had tried to imagine for so long, there weren't fireworks, or stunning revelations, but that same familiar feeling of, "Of course this is what it's like." The most puzzling thing about it to me was why I found it so hard to imagine the feeling of being full with a man. It was so natural, so obvious, like suddenly remembering the lyrics to a song you had temporarily forgotten. "Right, right....I remember now..."
This is not to say that my first lover was not beautiful, that every minute of anticipation wasn't worth it, that I didn't glow for hours afterward. This is not to say that I didn't become a junkie for his touch. This is not to downplay what a lovely remembering it was.
Now that my curiosity has been sated (perhaps more than I ever wished) about sex, about death, about rivers of blood, I am left with only one thing to imagine.
What will it feel like when I really fall in love?
User Reviews
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-29 01:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-08-29 01:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so glad that I have you as a friend!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, that last line really sucked.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-08-02 15:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
New cell, (774)262-3735.
Phone date some night this week? I'll call tonight.
Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2005-08-01 12:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-01 08:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Struck a chord.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-08-01 06:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you.
Submitted by Harmless (user info) at 2005-08-01 03:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I just wrote a thing about sluts, and now I feel quite poorly.
Good stuff.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-08-01 02:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww... I love you Spikey
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-31 22:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love is like a big pile of toasters, covered in egg yolk and all trying desperately to get employment as a sherpa.
As the toasters clamber and fight for position, the yolk is whipped into a creamy froth and Everest just gets further away.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-07-31 22:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by imagination (user info) at 2005-07-31 22:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stay beautiful, Melanie. I have no doubt that you'll one day find out.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-07-31 19:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I understand.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-07-31 19:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sure it doesn't feel that good?
Well damn... :-/
Submitted by Boon (user info) at 2005-07-31 19:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmmmmm
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-07-31 16:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to have you back, Spike.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-31 16:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well thought out.
Makes me think of the movie "My Girl" for some reason.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-31 16:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, dude. This should be required reading for...well, for pretty much everyone.
I'm blown away over here.
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-07-31 16:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice read.
For me love is more like getting hit unexpectedly by an 18-wheeler, but not caring that it just flattened you. Too many emotions to handle - yet it all seems perfectly OK.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-31 16:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post more.
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-07-31 15:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-31 15:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done Spikey.
You know how when you're driving down a road and you come to a small bump that kind of makes your stomach jump? That's how love feels. Only with love, you get that feeling to the point of frustration.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-07-31 15:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. You are hellishly talented.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-07-31 14:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like your posts, and this story sets up nicely. Thought about expanding it?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-31 14:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought you died?
damnit.
i mean,
nice to see you?
hehe rivulet
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-07-31 13:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-31 13:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very discript, I liked it alot and not for some internet fetish reasons.
I can't really describe love, its different for everyone. Good luck withit.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-31 13:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment