Why I Want to be a Professional Baseball Player (1463 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: sports
Rating: 1.48 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2005-08-01 10:15:09 EDT
Crack!
The sound of ash meeting cowhide fills the air. The ball takes off as if shot from a cannon, a small white spot against a enormous blue backdrop. The crowd rises as one and cheers at the top of their lungs as the ball careens over the outfield wall. It's a two-run, walk-off home run. Fireworks fill the air along with music as the batter trots around the bases, slowing only to high-five the third base coach and receive the obligatory pat on the ass. When he reaches the plate, he is mobbed by teammates and they celebrate the win as a group. These are the moments people dream of as kids, and even as adults. Being the hero. Winning the game.
To hell with all that. My reasons have to do with winning games, hitting the ball over the fence, making a fantastic catch, being loved by fans, being loved harder by groupies three times a night, or being featured on SportCenter's Top 10 plays of the week. No, forget all of that noise. Those are only distractions from the big picture. The reason I want to be a professional baseball player is simple.
Entrance Music.
Think about it, regardless of how good or bad you are at playing the game, you could make an impact with different entrance themes as you approach the plate to take your swings. Three or four times a game, you could call attention to yourself in several different ways.
You could go the WWF/E-style approach and have hard rock playing as you walked towards home plate. Then, once you arrived, you could spit water and scream as you flexed for all the adoring fans. You could even go so far as to have a belt created for you to wear on your walk from the on deck circle. That way fans and other players alike would know you were a force to be reckoned with. You are the man! You have a gold belt!
Speaking of the WWF/E, you could be like Hacksaw Jim Dugan and carry an American flag with you to the plate as "Stars and Stripes Forever" blared in the background. Who wouldn't love you? You know, other than the foreign players who might see that as a lack of respect for their countries, but to hell with them! You're proud of your country! You've got your flag! You've got the big stick that FDR talked about! You're an American! HOOOOO! USA! USA! USA! (Please note: This entrance is not to be attempted if you play for the Blue Jays. Perhaps Bret Hart's music would be better suited for any player who wants a WWF/E feel when playing in Canada.)
Of course, you could always go the country-boy approach. Imagine walking to the plate with the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy draped over your shoulders and Hank Williams Junior's "A Country Boy Can Survive" was played loudly over the PA system. Or even better, how about some David Allen Coe? Surely you would reach the people you were attempting to identify with, although you might get hit in the head with a ninety-six mile per hour fastball if the pitcher happens to be Dontrelle Willis.
On the flip side of that, you could have Eminem play as you pimp-walked to the plate with your hat turned sideways, glaring into the cameras the entire way and grabbing your crotch defiantly before calling the umpire "Shorty." Hell, you already grab your crotch 10-15 times an inning, so that should be no problem for you.
Don't all of those sound like fun? You could even mix and match to keep the crowd on their toes. "What demographic is he going to piss off this inning?" they'd ask each other. You'd be notorious. Everyone would know you.
After thinking long and hard about what type of music I would use, I came to the following conclusion: TV and Movie Theme Songs are the way to go.
Think about it, you're walking to the plate, and the theme from "The People's Court" is accompanying your strut to the plate.
"Dun dun ... Dun dun dun dun ... Dun dun dun ... Dun dun dun dun dun."
How kick ass is all that? People would love you! +2, they'd shout! Kicker of all ass is what you are! Those same people would know what to do when you sauntered to the plate to the theme from "The Facts of Life" your next time up. Imagine the confused looks on people's faces as that song played at 100 decibels. People would be looking around for Tootie and Joe! You know they would!!
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life."
The next at bat would bring something a little more mellow to pull it back a notch. Perhaps the theme from "X Files" as you snuck around the dugout and moved stealthily to home plate before hiding behind the umpire? You could even cover your face and act like aliens were chasing you. People would love it!
For your final plate appearance of the game, you'd have to do something special, so you'd pull out the "Star Wars" theme and use your bat as a light saber. Imagine the delight of the crowd when you used said light saber to destroy the opposing catcher! "WOO! GO SOX!!" they'd shout!
Think about it. The possibilities would be nearly endless.
Superman
Batman
Night Court
Transformers
Top Gun
Masters of the Universe
GI Joe
Lord of the Rings
Scooby Doo
Gomer Pyle
Gilligan's Island
The Jeffersons
Over the Top
Rocky
The list goes on. So much so that each at bat could be different. The fans would anxiously await your every at bat to see what you'd do next. You'd be a sort of bastardized Vaudeville Show.
So, if you were a Major League Baseball Player, what would you use for your entrance music and why?
User Reviews
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-09 14:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BAH! I knew that!!!
Son of a...
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For the record, Teddy Roosevelt said the thing about the big stick, not FDR. The only stick FDR had was a walking stick.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-01 15:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I resisted the show for about 5 episodes last year...Mrs. Shlongy told me it rocked.
Then, I peaked and it's been all over for me since then. It rocks. Best show on Network TV.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 14:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well ... it helped, yea. I had seen the DVDs in the video store a few weeks ago, and that review helped seal the deal for this past weekend.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-01 14:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey dipshit- Did you discover "Rescue Me" because of this little gem?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-28 12:55:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
I already hate the show...before I've even seen it...or read the review.
Now I'll +2 you when you review "Rescue Me".
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 13:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spook: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=facetious
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-01 13:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-01 12:59:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll let you in on a little secret.
I once wanted to be a woman wrestler for the WWF.
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I can picture it now, with Munkeys all over your pants. Your signature move would be to act like a munkey and stick a banana up your opponets arse
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-01 13:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Entrance Music?
A true baseball fan you are not.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-01 12:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll let you in on a little secret.
I once wanted to be a woman wrestler for the WWF.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:34:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
God damn it. I swear to God, I'm going to pistol-whip the next person that says the word "emo."
-------------------------
Hey Farva, what's.......... wait, no. Sorry.
Oh, and good post, by the way.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I went to my friend's sons 2 yr old b-day party on Sun. Guess the theme...
EMO, you guessed it!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God damn it. I swear to God, I'm going to pistol-whip the next person that says the word "emo."
ARGH!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:29:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Would "Boys Don't Cry" by the Cure be a little too emo for the Majors?
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Teeph - that would be too EMO for anything!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Would "Boys Don't Cry" by the Cure be a little too emo for the Majors?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Right...
Wrong...
I'm the guy with the gun.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the opportunity Tom, but it ain't mah style.
My momma always told me that if you can't say somethin' nice about a body, you just wait till ain't nobody lookin' and kill em real quiet like, then dispose of the corpse someplace you ain't never been a'fore.
I'm a lover, not a retaliator.
Besides, you were, as I mentioned, right.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I would have to go with 'The Bad Touch' by The Bloodhound Gang, you know for the ladies.
I'd wear the monkey outfit, and a cape.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Teeph. It was nothing personal. In fact, here's a chance for you to give me a -2 and not feel the least bit guilty: http://www.ubersite.com/m/71927
The post was an accident, but go ahead and -2 it for posterity.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of which, this:
You could go the WWF/E-style approach and have hard rock playing as you walked towards home plate. Then, once you arrived, you could spit water and scream as you flexed for all the adoring fans. You could even go so far as to have a belt created for you to wear on your walk from the on deck circle. That way fans and other players alike would know you were a force to be reckoned with. You are the man! You have a gold belt!
Is poetry.
Right now the only possibilities I'm seeing for me are:
Guess Who's Back (aka the white boy is back) by Everlast
or
My Way, by either Sinatra or Sid Vicious.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I half-way wanted to go all Swamp Donkey on your ass after our little spat last week Tom, but I see now that you were quite right (even if you did miss the genius of my burp). THIS is how you do it.
Not only did you take a tired old Alley McBeal-esque "what's your theme-song" post and breathe new life into it, you also took EACH AND EVERY POSSIBLE IDEA I HAD FOR A RESPONSE.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jay, I came up with four ideas, two of which involved different combinations of Krypton, Superman, Jor El, and General Zod.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 11:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw, a retaliatory -2 from Swamp Donkey even though I only gave him a Zero. How quaint.
Grow up, idiot.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the A-team
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I swear, I'm not drunk, just tired...
I *can* normally type pretty well, I promise.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Take it like a man.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I came up with like, 5 stories instantly, and disregareded every single one of them, because they were totaly absolutey campy cliche crap that sucked a lot of balls.
ONce this is over, I'm going over the list of who submitted what titles, find out who submissted ours, and beat them with a sock full of quarters.
Wanna join?
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Welcome to Paradise" -- Green Day [Dookie version will sound better in a stadium]
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
David Allen Coe?
as in "nigger hating me"?
as in "i like sugar and i like tea, but i don't like niggers, nosiree."?
wow.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jay, I haven't even started WRITING yet. Over the weekend I discovered "Rescue Me" and promptly watched all 13 episodes from the Season One DVD set. I don't even have a fucking IDEA what I'm going to write. Our title sucks, and whoever thought it up needs to be beaten about the head and neck with a leather glove.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Insane in the Brain
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH, and have you posted yet?
I'm still editing, but it's mainly a stall tactic, because I don't want to be the first post, again...
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've always thought of The Bloodhound Gang's "The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope" as being my personal theme song. Just cut down the intro by a couple o' bars and BAM!
"Like a scrotum here it is in a nutshell."
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blair was fuckin HAWT...
And I'd use the Barney theme song.
Who'd want to get a guy out who loves everything?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It goes without saying...
"Hey ho...let's go...hey...ho...let's go..."
Blizkrieg Bop...My pals, The Ramones.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Catch people off guard and play some ridiculously soft music. Something by Barry Manilow or The Carpenters. Totally catch the fans off guard. To do this properly, you'd need to be 6'10 and have McGwire-esque muscles and a Randy Johnson mullet. Oh! The possibilities! The fans won't know what hit them.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a Cubs fan, any theme music I would choose would have to be played on the organ. It's old school all the way at wrigley baby.
I would say the GI Joe theme song...."The real American heeero..."
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ACDC's Back in Black would be my theme as I strut up to the plate with the biggest oversized cup I could find. I thought you were going all nostalgic after the first paragraph.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Why I Want to be a Professional Baseball Player"
Cause you was good at rounders?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-01 10:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wanted to bang Blair