Passing Time (508 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 1.33 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JonnyX (View user info) at 2005-08-01 19:52:23 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
Gheybeard, Butt-Pirate of the Caribbean!
Yar, me hearties! I've a tale to tell ye, of one of the saltiest tars 'eer to grace the poop-deck of the Queen's finest privateers!
This be a tale of when men were men, and cabin boys could hold their grog (amongst other things) with nary a complaint.
Let me take ye back to the days of the Spanish Main, to the days of ... Gheybeard, Butt-Pirate of the Caribbean!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Gheybeard strode across the deck of his privateer, the 'Raging Queen'. His was a stout ship, and his men all manly men, right down to the manroot! As he surveyed his crew, sharp as always, hard at work, he felt a certain satisfaction come about him.
Being a pirate was hard work! Pillaging and looting and raping didn't just come overnight to the average butt-pirate - Gheybeard had strict standards as to what his men could or could not do. Discipline was enforced by the lash, which was usually welcomed by this lot - withholding the lash tended to have its effects on enforcing his authority as well.
All in all, Gheybeard was pretty happy with his men, strong of heart, strong of leg, a good sense of fashion, and most of his sailors would crack a walnut with their iron buttocks - yes, a crew any manly man would proud to serve under (assuming he wasn't a top, of course).
Gheybeard mused to himself, reminiscing as to his early days at sea - he was born in the West Indies, to a planter's family, and given the name Arriq D'Rize. Teased often as a youth because of his misshapen facial features, he hung out at the Kingston docks, wishing to be far far away. Then one day, he caught the fancy of a bejeweled swashbuckler, who, taking a shine to the young lad, offered him to come visit him aboard his ship, promising him 'grog and a look at his etchings of life at sea'.
6 glorious hours later, Arriq knew he was a butt-pirate for life.
He was then passed around from ship to ship, from English, to French, to Greek (oh, they taught him a thing or two about 'seamanship', Gheybeard chuckled), til one day he settled aboard the 'Raging Queen', where he worked his way through the ranks, often toiling on his knees for hours, until one day he was master of his domain!
And now, as Cap'n Gheybeard, he beat a scouring jib a windward, sending men, boys, and treasure throughout the West Indies to his secret lair in the Gheyman Islands! The Caribbean was his to behold, a chocolate starfish of treasure for he and his men to do with as they will...
Gheybeard turned his attention to the fo'c'stle, where a group or bare-chested tars danced to a sea-chanty, arm in arm.
After stopping for a moment, two of the men squared off against each other, ready to engage in the favored way of passing time aboard the 'Raging Queen', 'peener-sparring'.
Peener-sparring was the favoured way of enforcing dominance aboard the ship - with so many men together in close quarters, tempers flamed up hotter than a flock of Queen Elizabeth I impersonators in Brockwell Park.
To peener-spar, the two men would strip down naked, face each other, and hands on hips and arms akimbo, thrust their peeners at their opposite number in the hopes of making the other man 'gild the lily', as it were.
Gheybeard watched intently as an old pouf acting as referee lined the two men up facing each other properly, and then prepared the match
"Be ye ready, laddie?"
"YAR!" said the first.
"Be ye ready, me hearty?"
"YAR!" said the second.
"PEENER!" the old fruit declaimed, and the match was on!
Immediately, the air was rent with cries as the onlookers placed wagers, and urged their shipmates to glorious victory. Their bronzed bodies glistened, as the hot tropic sun beat a tattoo upon their bare, manly flesh.
And then, all too quickly as it often seems, one lad 'unfurled his mainsail' all over the deck - leaving the other to prance about victoriously, bragging of his manly skills, whilst fobbing his shillelagh all over anyone he fancied.
Cap'n Gheybeard's entertainments were brought to a close by a shrill cry from the crow's nest:
"Cap'n! There be a merchant ship off the port quarter at 10 cables!"
With this Gheybeard sprang into action, yelling out to all his lads, "Avast, me hearties, thar be treasure before us, and the opportunity to 'go where no man has gone before'! Let's get that rigging up, and prepare ye selves for boarding a ship!"
With a stout Hoy! from the lads, they all took up positions along the ship, as the 'Raging Queen' flew like a chickenhawk to its helpless prey.
"Cap'n, will all be well, I am afraid!" Gheybeard looked down at Selim, his slim-hipped Malaysian cabin-boy, one of his favourite souvenirs from a pillaging trip to Thailand.
"Now lad, nothing to be afeared of, this ship is just like any other, now, go below and prepare my special manacles and the spreader bar for our guests - we shan't want to keep them waiting, eh lad?"
Gheybeard watched fondly as the young lad scurried below-decks to prepare for the arrival of so many new guests.
Turning his attention towards the victim's vessel, he saw the look of horror in the opposing crew's eyes as a mass of oiled, leather-clad butt-pirates clambered onto the deck of their ship.
"Remember to save the young stallions, me hearties" Gheybeard cried out, "We need fresh plump victuals for tonight's celebration!"
Gheybeard's pirates made short work of the crew, dispatching the old and grizzled whilst keeping the cream of the crew intact.
Soon, the short battle was over, and Gheybeard surveyed his prize.
Gheybeard paced on the deck of his new conquest, and growled at the line of quivering captives before him.
"Alright you lot, I'll give ye the choice ye all get, ye either join our crew, as our amusements for a time, or ye walk the plank - I think you'll find it's an easy choice, given the situation ye find..."
At this, Gheybeard was cut off by the appearance of a large-bosomed woman, encrusted with rouge and cheap Cathay silks. Her fat face was surrounded by ridiculously greasy ringlets of blondish hair.
"Oh CAPTAIN! I am your PRISONER! Ohh! The horrors! Being captured by a bunch of ravishing PIRATES, how simply DREADFUL!"
At this, the large-ballasted wench leered closely to his first mate, and licked slug-like lips covered with a shade of red favoured by the Whore of Babylon.
As his first mate passed out stone-cold on the decking, the trollop flounced its way to the Cap'n. Her breasts heaving as two barrels of lard in a raging sea, in such as fashion that even the hardiest of salts would become sea-sick, she sidled up to Gheybeard, and grasped his arm conspiratorially.
"Oooh, aren't you the big STRONG pirate captain? MY, look at the cannons on you, I bet you have your WAY with ANY woman you want ANY time you want, DON'T you?" With that, the cetaceous woman leered fawningly at him, blinking her hideously large lashes at him in some hetero-sexual attempt of signal lanterns.
Suppressing his gag reflex, Gheybeard said to the woman loudly, "No need to fear, my good woman, you of all people are most safe on this vessel, I give you my word that you shall not be molested as a result of this incursion!"
With that, Gheybeard's men, murmured their assent, with but a twinge of disgust.
"What? What kind of PIRATES are you, not to take ADVANTAGE of the rich bounty you seize from the seas?" she gaped insolently.
"Err, we're BUTT-pirates, ma'am" Gheybeard said with a chuckle "Emphasis on the BUTT, if you please!" and with that his men began to chortle appreciatively.
Oblivious, the woman yammered on "Well, I NEVER! Just because you are so well-dressed, you think you're too GOOD to way your way with me, why, I wager you're all FLACCID..."
And with that, the woman was cut short by the singing of a dozen cutlasses being unsheathed.
There were many insults you could throw at a butt-pirate, like making fun of him when his scabbard doesn't match his boots, but none was more worse that calling a butt-pirate FLACCID! Men have been skewered for less, and then killed!
"Madam, I suggest you refrain from such comments, lest you find your head apart from your shoulders" Gheybeard gritted through clenched teeth.
"Well, I DON'T see how you can call yourselves PIRATES if you fail to ravage all that you capture, it isn't very SPORTING, is it?"
At this, the Cap'n was set back on his heels - he did have the Pirates' Code to uphold, and the honor of his ship, but who among his crew could bear to plow the furrow of such a hideous beast??
"Cap'n, _I_ shall take the punishment, for the honor of the 'Raging Queen'!" Gheybeard turned to see his first-mate, now revived, standing before him.
"Morley, are you serious? Tis but a brave thing you do, to be sure, but I cannot in good conscience ask a manly man as yourself to subject yourself to such indignities!"
"No others of the crew should have to be subjected to this abomination! I shall do it, O my Cap'n!" and with that, the men of the 'Raging Queen' gave a rousing HUZZAH! for their brave comrade, who would so readily face the horrors of Scylla and Charibdis.
"Very well then, my brave lad!"
And with that, Gheybeard threw open the cargo holds, and great kegs of grog were brought forth onto the decks, and the men all lined up for a good stout paddling as their reward for the capture of such a fine ship...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Yar, me boyos, did ye enjoy my tale of the days of yore and butt-piracy? I'll be back with another story of the adventures of...
Gheybeard, Butt-Pirate of the Caribbean!
User Reviews
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-11 13:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hi Jon Daley.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-29 15:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-29 15:27:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
o nigga please - this shite is barely ghey
now THIS
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72222
now that's ghey!
====================================
Heh. Yup, that's ghey all right. *chortle*
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-08-29 15:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ghey
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-05-23 07:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yar.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-05-22 17:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't you get your ass kicked with this piece?
*clicks link to original matchup*
Oh yeah, that's right.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-22 16:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment