Stephen Hawking is a bitch-ass punk; he didn't do anything to find my hat! (1781 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.96 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A Forensic Girl (View user info) at 2005-08-02 02:51:51 EDT
Is there a quantum astrophysicist in the house?! Where are all you bastards when we need you?!
To borrow, tribute, nay even plagiarize Douglas Adams, the story begins quite simply; it begins with a hat.
I get cold very easily, because of this I have been on a lifelong quest to find winter gear that actually will keep me from freezing to death in the frozen tundra that is the Midwest from October to March (sometimes even April). During this quest I have found 3 hats that keep my pinhead warm and keep my ears from falling off. I hate it when my ears get cold; I run around in little circles grasping them and screaming "Aaaaaaaargh!" I have to quit doing this because the last time I did, they locked me up and put me on constant observation. On the bright side, I got lots of cool drugs shot into my ass cheeks on a regular basis.
The 3 hats that do the trick are my 2 AUTHENTIC Russian fur hats (brought to me from Russia by my folks on one of their many trips over there) and my 100% wool, officially licensed Playboy skully. Needless to say, I fiercely guard these hats. Here is where the problem occurred.
There exists a parallel universe. Hell, for all we know there may even be millions of them. Since quantum astrophysics is not my area, the best I've been able to figure out is that one of these parallel universes (if not all of the bastards) exists only to eat small objects. Their favorite delicacies are of course socks. In each of our dryers, a wormhole opens up and eats one sock out of a pair. We all know this happens consistently. You can test it and count each individual sock when you put them in. You won't get the same number out. But these parallel universes in an effort to extend their palates will occasionally sample other items such as car keys or other similar items. I don't know, I guess they're epicurean snobs.
I've lost many things to these greedy bastards. To date, I've lost; 3 gross of pens, pencils, paperclips, and staple pulls. Bits of paper that contain information that I need, lipstick, earrings, rings, my Albert Einstein action figure, a jump rope, a nice pair of pants, numerous 'last beers' (actually that is my father doing that), hairbrushes, entire tubes of toothpaste, extension cords, one or two bits to my drill, and a screwdriver. And, most importantly, one hat.
The thing about these parallel universes is that they send back what they don't want. This is why you think that you've only misplaced something. No, you were right the first time, they took it but found it to be not to their liking and kicked it back. I have had most of the above mentioned objects returned to me at various times except for the office supplies. I guess that's their roughage.
When they took my hat, it was war! I called the only man whom I thought could help me; Dr. Stephen Hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics. You know him; he's the man with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) in the wheelchair who speaks through a voice synthesizer. Funny, Hawking is British but the voice synthesizer was developed by an American company so therefore has a non-regional American accent. Ha Ha. I won't go into it here but the guy's a freak! Well, ok, I'll go into it a little.
I wrote Dr. Hawking, explaining how the parallel universes were fucking my shit up. He came immediately hoping to gather data on hat eating parallel universes and said he would exterminate the wormholes that they operated from for me as a bonus. Was THIS ever a mistake! He wanted to examine the last known place my hat seen and I showed him the drawer where I store my winter gear. He had his assistant photograph it and then they brought out some impressive looking instruments and devices and played with those a while. After a day or so of this, I inquired to the whereabouts of my hat. Hawking ignored me. I guess they actually found a wormhole that was opening up in my dryer. They caught it and put it in a jar with air holes punched in the lid. He was rather pleased with himself and programmed his voice synthesizer to proclaim; "Hawking 1, Wormhole 0, w00t!" over and over and over again.
"But Sir, what about my hat?" I respectfully inquired.
"Piss on your hat!" Hawking 'responded' in a mechanical voice
Then, he drank all of my tequila and merlot and chased my cat around in his wheelchair laughing hysterically and asking me if I'd ever heard of Schrödinger's Cat. He had a gun too and although he couldn't shoot it, he had his assistant shoot it off my balcony at all hours of the day and night. He also played a recording of the song "Anything you can do, I can do better" constantly. I'm telling you, the dude is a freak!
After he and his assistant emptied my fridge of food and booze, they left. I was still without my hat. Fuckers.
I was cleaning my place this weekend and doing laundry. As I was hanging up some clothes, the lost hat suddenly appeared on the floor of my closet. Oh joyous, wondrous fortune! After chewing on it awhile, the parallel universe spit it back out at me.
As God as my witness, my noggin will never freeze again!
Now, if there are ANY quantum astrophysicists out there reading this, what can I do to prevent this happening again?! And while you're at it, explain to me how this happens in the first place. I'm sure others want to hear as well.
Below is the hat in question with me modeling it (wanna make sumpthin outta it?!) Additionally, I have included pictures of another weird hat a friend gave me that doesn't keep me warm (yes, it is a cat) along with the 2 Russian hats, and another showing some of the objects that the parallel universes have stolen but returned to me. I have done this if for nothing else than to make my readers go; "What the fuck?! What HAS forensicgirl3 been smoking, and where can I get some?"
So there.
User Reviews
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-10-03 06:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT was humor
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-09 19:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goodness Bonnie, you are so delicious!
Oh, and if you're ever in Seattle, go to the Archie McPhee warehouse, it is TEH ROXXORZ!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:26:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I have undeniable proof that you are as nutty as me.
Except your like the 'crazy smart' girlfriend....
that makes me uhhhhhhhhhh
The drunk obnoxious one!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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Peon, let's go have some drinks...lots of drinks and then we'll ride a mechanical bull. Oh, and while we're at it, bring your Rocker/Cowboy hat and I'll bring mine and we'll have a Crazy Girl Showdown!
Yes?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:04:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jay, get your own little Einstein! This one's mine.
For action figures http://www.mcphee.com/
--------------------
I am all over that now...
I'm gonna go broke on that site...
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-03 02:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why havent I +2-ed this yet?
Thats a hot cat hat!
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2005-08-03 02:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice hair colour.
And yes, existentialism is numbing.
Have you seen I <3 Huckabees?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-03 00:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you guys would stop flirting with my lady.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-02 20:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG IM KIDDING BEAT ME PLEASE
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-02 20:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh thank god i was tired of the pretense.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-08-02 20:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit I really am sorry. That was fucking gay.
So do you read any Terry Pratchett?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 20:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OHMYGAWD! OHMYGAWD! WAY TO FUCK IT UP!!!!!
ahahahahahaha
no worries, it's all good.
fucker.
:)
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-08-02 19:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Arse.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-08-02 19:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT FUCK CUNT MOTHERFUCK ARSE TIT WANKER SHITE PISS BOLLOCK NIPPLE SCROTE NOB-END SHIT SHIT SHIT
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!
+2 +2 +2 +2 +2!!!
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-08-02 19:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The theory of Parallel Universes dictates that a new universe is created for every eventuality of any action. Like a photon being emmitted one way or another, etc etc. People always think it happens when they make a choice, but it's not only then. That's why the amount of universes is simply unimaginable. Because every nanosecond, less even, another universe has sprung into being.
Incidentally, your "one sock out of every pair" theory is straight out of a Terry Pratchett book.
Possibly Soul Music.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-02 14:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY FUCKING GOD A QUARTERMAIN SIGHTING.
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP MAN?
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-08-02 12:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, this parallel universe seems to have absconded with not only my sanity, (quite a while ago) but also my g-damn valium!
Cripes!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2005-08-02 12:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My first winter in the Midwest, I just about froze my stones off. I ended up going to a military surplus store(my own particular brand of first-stop shop)and buying some USMC arctic issue long johns. Served me well, although I may have to replace them this winter.
I'm always losing coffee cups. I drink coffee like it's about to become illegal, so I usually have a coffee cup in my hands. Eventually, I'll set it down and before you know it, it gets eaten. They usually reappear, but the transition always makes the coffee cold.
Which doesn't mean I don't drink it.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-08-02 12:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny!
Hawking is indeed an odd one, but to hear it from someone who knows him first hand, well boy... that really paints an hilarious picture!
+2
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-08-02 11:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have rather seen you model one of the Russian hats.
Hawking is a freak, he's all obsessed with Marilyn Monroe.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-02 11:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
are you serious?
i thought i was the only one with those action figures.
wow.
hey, did you sign up for aim?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Down here in Arkansas we don't have wormholes, we have basically three things that will take your stuff: 1)a tornado 2)an ex-wife (or a sister, same thing...)and finally 3) UFO's, them damn aliens will take your hat AND probe your ass...bastards.
Submitted by Katti_lynn (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried to read this but for me tooooo many BIG words ...
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I have undeniable proof that you are as nutty as me.
Except your like the 'crazy smart' girlfriend....
that makes me uhhhhhhhhhh
The drunk obnoxious one!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess they actually found a wormhole that was opening up in my dryer. They caught it and put it in a jar with air holes punched in the lid.
___________________________________________
Capitol! If they won't take on the alternate dimension, I say you do it yourself. All you need is a net and a baseball bat...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 10:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Miss Flibble, a friend gave me this hat. I ask her. I'd mail this one to you but it would hurt her feelings.
Jay, get your own little Einstein! This one's mine.
For action figures http://www.mcphee.com/
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-02 09:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need your Einstein doll.
Seriously, how much?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-02 09:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so this is where I'll live. cool!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-02 09:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some genius HE turned out to be. *scoff*
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-02 09:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 02:53:57 (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, it's a camwhore.
It's my hat, my post, and if I want to camwhore, I WILL!
Besides, this post has content.
If you don't like it, you can lick my metaphorical ball sack!
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So like, um....you know....is that all you're allowing us to...y-you know....umm....**lick?**
And on a related note, one of these parallel universe took my fucking can opener last night. Do you know how hard it is to get tomato sauce out of a can without a can opener? It involved a lot of stabbing, which was complicated by the rum I had drank earlier. Ruined my whole penne a la vodka.
Oh, and this post has made me realize that I love you, metaphorical ball sack and all.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-08-02 09:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE YOUR CAT HAT
where did you get it and can i find one?!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-02 09:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-02 08:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice flowers. Where did you get an arrangement like that?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-02 07:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how your mind works. A few notes on staying warm.
Throw away anything made of cotton, it does nothing to keep you warm.
For your first layer begin with UnderArmor Cold Gear. Some other polyesters will work too but I find this to be the best.
Your next layer should be another synthetic, polyester is prefered again such as a tight fitting fleece.
YOur next layer would be a heavier synthetic or a 100% wool layer.
Fianlly top of with a windproof layer that is somewhat light, Gore Tex or nylon will work for this.
As far as hats, stick with the wool it won't steer you wrong.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-02 07:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a new found respect for you and it has nothing to do with your writing
Submitted by crizza (user info) at 2005-08-02 07:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I mention you look cute in your playboy hat?
Submitted by crizza (user info) at 2005-08-02 07:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He was rather pleased with himself and programmed his voice synthesizer to proclaim; "Hawking 1, Wormhole 0, w00t!" over and over and over again. --- Meh
Hi-larious! This is a good post :) thanks, made me laugh lots
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-02 06:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Below is the hat in question with me modeling it (wanna make sumpthin outta it?!)"
Wallet size photos?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:54:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good post, and I agree. Lou Gherig's disease is the funniest thing that's ever happened to anyone.
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Good call
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good post, and I agree. Lou Gherig's disease is the funniest thing that's ever happened to anyone.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok first things first; my body is yours to do whatever you desire.
Secondly; your fantastic.
Thirdly; seriously reiterate point 1, even if all you want me to do is live in your front garden and bite the postman.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tell me about your parents." *Zip!*
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What have you been smoking, and where can I get some?
Good post...I have an ongoing battle with the sock zone.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-02 04:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow you are a proper grown up with statues in your house.
i like the cat hat.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"my Albert Einstein action figure"
At that point you had a plus two. You could insulted my family and eaten my girlfriend after that and you still had a plus two.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She rules, she rules.
But does she bang, she bang?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*stamps feet*
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a clever woman.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok Rad, I'll e-mail you too!
see, the problem is I only have a finite amount of coherent speech and motor functions allowed to me per day. Once it's used up it's gone for that day. I'm on empty now. Gotta recharge.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Danger, no he hasn't intercepted it, I just haven't written it yet. Patience Pet, patience!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like an email.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can see my undies on your bed.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does your cousin's husband know 'bout your parents frequently Russia?
Still waiting for my email, and starting to think he's intercepted it. I am a known lefty with a dangerously radical political agenda.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yeah yeah yeah
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent unit of measurement there.
A THING of nail polish.
Brilliance.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 03:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought I did!!!
See, it's those parallel universes again!
Fuck it, I'm not reposting it.
I got a headache.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-02 02:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On MSpaint, you gotta adjust the image attributes as to cut that huge white space out.
I just spent 30 minutes staring at it wondering if there were more pictures to view.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-02 02:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife tried to kill me yesterday by setting my house on fire.
Today the plumber flooded my house.
*cries*
I blame hawking.
fuckin arrogant sum-bitch.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-02 02:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, it's a camwhore.
It's my hat, my post, and if I want to camwhore, I WILL!
Besides, this post has content.
If you don't like it, you can lick my metaphorical ball sack!