The Unfortunate Events of Last Night (Not Safe for Work!) (2078 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.85 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Insanethemind (View user info) at 2005-08-02 13:55:00 EDT
The Unfortunate Events of Last Night (and all I have to show for it is this 'banana')
I recently returned to Wakulla County, Florida, after an extended absence, and I started living with my parents last week. I had been in another part of Florida from my home area for the last seven months or so, and let me tell you: it's good to be back. Although I have not lived with my folks in several years, I cannot drive legally so it is advantageous to that end, since they will drive me to places I need to go when they can. And for any other young adults who have ever lived with their parents for any amount of time, I don't need to go into detail about the money you can save.
Right now, my grandfather is on his deathbed in Deltona, Florida so my Mother and Father had been down there for a while to take care of my father's mother because not only is her husband dying, but her sister (my great aunt) just passed away last Friday. My Dad however, was nice enough to come home the weekend I arrived here, to let me into the house and help me get settled. Soon, he will return to Deltona for the funeral so until then, it's just me and him in his rather large house.
Ok, the background is completed. Now I will get to the point.
Last night, while father was at a business dinner, I must admit that I got a hankerin' for some hanky-panky. I got horny and not in a little way, this was full on, no holds barred, crack-withdrawal- like need for some poon. Well, me being the total loser that I am (hey at least I don't self-deprecate like some of you guys!) no poon was available... ergo, I had to make due with what I had. In other words, God forgive me, I decided to masturbate myself into a stupor!
This being no ordinary, run-of-the-mill need for release, the situation called for an unprecedented session of self-manipulation. So obviously, lotion and/or any other of the usual accoutrements were out.
I racked my brain for paths to companionless, friendless, individual, isolated, sequestered, solo, sexual zenith. Being the total pervert that I am (hey at least I have an honest sense of self, unlike some people I know *cough* shandythedog *cough*) it took but a few short, yet ball-busting, murderous minutes and I found all the sensory stimulation needed for this far-out foray into felicity.
Who would not pant with prescience at this awfully arousing photo: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72228 I submit that nary a red-blooded human would deny the divine delight inspired by the afore linked photo. But I digress.
I went to the kitchen, poked around a bit in the cupboard and, locating the tub of Crisco (which I took) turned towards the icebox and, upon opening it, immediately found what was needed to complete my erotic enterprise: one fresh cantaloupe, just purchased from the fruit stand. Barely able to contain my excitement (and my ever increasing erection) I made my back to the computer room, to be able to stare in rapture, with reverence, at my pulchritudinous photographical prize.
I pulled down my Barbie-doll pajama pants and with cock in one hand, began to hollow out a nice penis-sized hole in the cantaloupe with the other. Naturally, with said member being quite miniscule, the hole making was completed in a matter of seconds, and a copious clump of Crisco carefully compounded into the cut-out portion of the cantaloupe. You can probably imagine what I proceeded to do next, and being no kind of man to assault your sensitivities with lurid details, I will leave that part of the operation up to your own imagination.
As I said, I'm no decadent detail-man, so suffice to say what followed all that effort felt good. DAMN good. So good that my toes curled backwards. Yes, that fucking good.
As I fumbled toward fulfillment, I heard the front door to my home opening. Well, being no exhibitionist, and obviously in a state of embarrassing extracurricular activity, I made haste to conceal the true situation. I jumped up from my computer chair, raced towards the hallway and the safe haven that is my bedroom, knowing that if I could just make it there in time, all would be okay, no harm, no foul. But, alas... I didn't.
There was a lamp's power cord stretched across the hallway floor, having been previously positioned in this precarious position by me, for illumination of myself while masturbating on webcam. (Like I said, I don't like to go into the innards of my sex life with unassuming strangers) Unfortunately, I did not see the cord in time, am I was making utmost haste in my need to avoid an awkward situation, and I tripped over it, causing me, the confused, Crisco- packed cantaloupe, and my cock to land rather heavily on the hallway floor.
Since you already know that it is against my religion to tell tawdry tales, I will merely leave you with a photographic perception of what happened to my poor manhood...
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-21 13:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-08-03 08:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
glad to be of service!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-08-02 23:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to suck you off.
WHAT!!!!!!!!!1
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-08-02 19:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks, i always wear one for photos
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-02 19:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice kilt.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-02 18:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is that a hotdog?
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-08-02 17:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's pretty clear what this was...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-02 17:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck was this???
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-08-02 16:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad to the boner.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-08-02 16:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that is priceless.....
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-02 15:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
next time go easy on the alliteration, hon.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-02 14:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, ok.
ill rate this.
be that way Mike.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-02 14:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How about we Walk down that hill, Step over the fence, and fuck all those cows.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2005-08-02 14:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like a kilt.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2005-08-02 14:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pure adrenaline