The Importance Of Peener Control (10750 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.51 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TheKindred (View user info) at 2005-08-02 22:52:52 EDT
First things first - I pride myself on my excellent control when it comes to taking a piss. I can pee in the pitch dark across a bottomless chasm while balancing on one foot on the back of a fainting goat - and still hit the bowl dead center. The men can appreciate this; ladies you sit less than 6 inches from the target so it's really not a skill you can appreciate.
That being said, nothing pisses me off more (teh ghey pun, I know) than guys that can't handle rigors of urinating in a 3 square foot area from a foot and a half away. Some guys are even closer and still manage a wild spray that would do a spastic firefighter proud.
I work in a professional office with a wide variety of ethnicities and eccentrics. For the past year, every time anyone enters the only guy's washroom on my floor, they are met with a scene that can only be described as the after-effects of a pissbomb exploding with nuclear tenacity. I don't just mean a few dribbles in front of the toilet (we've yet to get urinals installed, fucking cheap-ass middle management), I'm talking about lake sized puddles in front of the bowl, drizzles all down the front, splashes up wall, massive drops on the seat and a smell usually reserved for outdoor concert porta-potties.
Needless to say, this wasn't a situation that everyone was comfortable with. It was brought to management twice and brought up at the weekly meeting both times. Finally, some results....no wait..... I still have stanky urine all over the bottom of my khakis. After going through the proper channels and having them be completely ineffectual as usual, me and my 'posse' (equally bored dudes looking to avoid actual work) decided we would launch an investigation of our own.
After an intense brainstorming session involving cigarettes, nacho-flavoured Doritos, and various drinks, we had a plan. It's amazing what you can come up with when you partake of brain food.
Our most likely suspect was a fifty five year old Filipino man. He's one of those guys who hasn't really contributed anything at all to the company in the 7 years he's worked here, but will never get fired because some manager has a soft spot for him - that or a kick ass heroin connection. Did I mention that this guy dresses like a cross between a four and a half foot tall Elvis and Tony Montana?
On of our crew had a great view of the washroom from his desk, so it was decided he could check after anyone used the washroom to see if the culprit would reveal himself. Turns out about fifty people use that washroom every hour and our 'agent' ended up getting written up for too many trips away from his desk.
Plan 2: In the basement of our office is a creepy, greasy old dude who handles supplies for the whole building. We forged a supplies request and got a bag of flour thinking we could do the classic sprinkle technique and see who came out with yellow dough stuck to their shoes. Once again this proved to be a bad idea. About 15 executive types ended up walking around the office with white dust all over their Armani and Gucci suits and the supply guy got written up and quickly passed the blame on to another of our crusaders. Another write up.
Two down and only two left to go. We were getting desperate.
Plan 3: With desperation setting in, frustration taking hold and another piss stain on my pants, we decided to cross the line. Directly over the toilet is a vent with a crosshatched grill. Someone mentioned a remote webcam. The idea was met with scoff and ridicule at first but soon took hold and seemed like the perfect solution to our quandary. Now to implement our devious and seemingly perfect plan. All thoughts of being fired and possible jail time were pushed out in the excitement of catching our culprit yellow handed.
It was decided I would keep six while the last team member installed the webcam. My job was simple enough, just do a pee-pee dance in front of the door so that even the simplest minded corporate monkey would realize that someone was in there and it was dangerous to be in the queue behind me for fear that my already extended bladder could burst at any second. Everything was going smoothly as I turned away legions of other pee-pee dancers.
That's when Murphy's Law kicked in full swing and hit us straight in the nuts with a pair of size 13 Doc Martins.
The VP of Sales and Marketing decided that it was time for his daily constitutional. With business section firmly in hand, he took his place in line behind me. My left eye twitched just a little bit.
No sooner had he settled in to a gentle rock from foot to foot than a loud crash followed muffled gurgle of a scream came spilling from the washroom. Then silence. The VP looked very concerned and immediately began knocking on the door (about 2 months ago the company settled a large lawsuit with an employee who slipped in the break room). No answer. More knocking. More silence. A small bead of perspiration ran down my forehead.
The VP called the janitor to open the door and what followed won't soon be forgotten in the annals of the company.
As the door swung open, the VP looked on in horror as he took in the full spectrum of what lay before him. Our last agent was lying on the floor unconscious, one foot in the toilet with a ventilation grate hanging precariously over him and a smashed webcam on the floor beside him. As everyone rushed to make sure he was still alive, I was instructed to call an ambulance. As my wounded compatriot slowly came to rubbing his bruised skull, he complained his foot hurt. Upon closer inspection we found that it had twisted in the fall and had become hopelessly jammed into the narrow hole.
The ambulance guys arrived and tried not to laugh when we explained the situation to them. They had to gently (and very painfully) twist his foot around while pulling at the knee to free him. He passed out again from the pain. Finally he was released from his porcelain prison and was rushed to the hospital. I thought briefly of the irony that as they took him away, that his back had soaked up most of the piss off the floor.
He ended up with a broken foot in 3 places, nine stitches in his head, a mean concussion, a cracked tailbone and a nasty piss smell that refused to come off. To top it all off, he was fired and charged with voyeurism and lewd behaviour (the court date is still pending).
The two other guys that were written up have both since left the company on less than agreeable terms.
The morale of the story: I would make a shitty detective because I never did find out who was pissing with eyes closed and hands free - although I'm still convinced it's Elvis Montana, the four and a half foot Filipino. As a bonus I've learned how to shit while standing on the bowl so as to keep my pants out of the yellow lake that is so bountiful.
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-05 07:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My money is on the VP. Pretty sure that when he shits, he pisses through the opening between seat and bowl...food for thought.
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-04 15:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-08-12 07:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
But linkwhoring is bad.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-08-07 00:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-03 22:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You make it a JPG or a GIF. That's how.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-03 18:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work.
make it a jpg instead of a bitmap.
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-08-03 17:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
quick question for anyone who's been around here a while..
how do I put the picture right on the post instead of an annoying link ?
...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-03 16:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed a lot at the thought of the VP standing there and the sound from the bathroom!
Couldn't help it +2
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I suppose it was good enough for the +2.
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Since this happened, I've "appropriated" a key to the executive washrooms 3 floors up. It's incredible ! They have padded seats, granite counters and lemon fresh potpourri scent, and soft jazz piped in. It's really an experience to poo in luxury such as that.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny. I can't believe you're on the Uberboard though. That shiznit is messed up.
Why do you -2 yourself? Just put a 0 down. Have better self-esteem, man.
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
that's too funny Peon, there is an outdoor garden/courtyard that wraps around the office and I've actually taken to going outside behind the building. I got caught once and made up some lame story about how I saw a rat run around th corner and wanted to make sure he wasn't trying to get in. Then I called the exterminators for extra effect.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like every bar in my neigborhood.
Never EVER use the mens room! I would rather go outside and wipe with poison ivy.
Twice.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:04:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
your mate fucked up - when he was collered he should have look outraged and said "Can you beleive some dity bastard put a webcam in here?!"
-------
I thought the same thing. That's TOTALLY what I would have done
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell crawled up d-prime's ass? This story kicks ass.
Submitted by LaganGroup (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't try so hard. Just let it flow.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A-grade material dude... keep up the good work sauce!
Oh, and I loved the irony of the fact that you were the only one who didn't get nicked in one way or another sauce.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of - http://www.ubersite.com/m/51321
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your mate fucked up - when he was collered he should have look outraged and said "Can you beleive some dity bastard put a webcam in here?!"
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Elvis Montana - bwahahahahaha!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not just men who have trouble hitting the target. Most of the women I work with are complete pigs in the bathroom, and I have yet to go in there without seeing at least one toilet seat that has been defiled by piss and/or period blood (thanks ladies, that's a REAL pleasant sight at 8:30 AM).
Nice first post. Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by pastacheese (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-03 08:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good reading material first thing in the morning
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh? Sauce
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-08-03 06:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me laugh out loud. thankfully I have an office to myself most of the time- none of this cublicle shit, i got real walls man. and a door. and blinds. and
a
TV!!!
damn i'm good.
leaving now.
Submitted by Douglas (user info) at 2005-08-03 06:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! - "yellow handed."
Excellent first post.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-03 06:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peener control is important. One time I was passing through Hatfield on the way to the Gatwick (I thought it was a shortcut, I admit I had been drinking) and I lost control of my peenar on the bypass and 120 people ended up dead.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-03 05:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by abaddon (user info) at 2005-08-03 05:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know when you see a post, 0.6 on 11 reviews, and you think... hmmmmmm... shall i read this or not???? (i can refer to my own posts here, they are both pretty crap)
anyhoo..... it was good, and I basically read it due to the title, and it was worth it
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-03 05:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anecdotal hilarity.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-03 04:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-03 02:36:23 (#)
Ranking: -1
You really over did the whole whore thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-02 22:56:39 (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you one of these morons who not only have horrible English, which isn't a big deal, but gets mad at people who have good English and calls them stupid? ,uh?
*******************************
You are too new to fully appreciate these two replies, together here, on the same post.
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-03 03:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"noone is confident enough to let me go for fear something might fuck up that they can't fix"
I hope to reach that point someday.
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-08-03 02:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dprime
it's like your first piece of tail. you just want to milk it for all it's worth. I've moved on to looking for my next conquest now.
fallenangel
I still work there and have never brought it up again. I have certain job responsibilities that makes it very hard for them to let me go. Basically no one is 100% sure what I do in a day so noone is confident enough to let me go for fear something might fuck up that they can't fix.
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-03 02:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to admit that it is pretty funny that the detective mission was all your idea and you were the only one that didn't get fired... or arrested.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-03 02:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You really over did the whole whore thing.
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-08-03 00:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-08-02 23:09:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is solid +2 material.
not as funny as say....oh I don't know....cancer.
but to be there was the coup de gras
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-08-03 00:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I beez a sorry dprimes... I b tryin' to pleez ya, I swears. Maybes if youse offered somes examples insteads of ambigously negative comments perhaps that it would inspire me to aspire to an apex of literary talent such as yourself.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-08-02 23:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is solid +2 material.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-08-02 23:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know, I thought it was funny at parts
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-02 22:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you one of these morons who not only have horrible English, which isn't a big deal, but gets mad at people who have good English and calls them stupid? ,uh?
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-08-02 22:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I swear the guy lived off asparagus ... the smell of his urine would make your eyes bleed