Let me explain to you how truly and deeply I hate mosquitos. (1905 hits)
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Submitted by creep_firebombing (aim: creepfirebombing) (View user info) at 2005-08-03 06:54:25 EDT
I don't know what it is about me, but mosquitos yearn for my sweet tender mocha flesh. They fucking LOVE me! It's ridiculous. I'm always the first one slapping and scratching whenever we take the party outside. I don't know if it's my diet, natural genetic make-up, or just pure bad luck, but no matter where I go I get eaten alive. The worst part about my curse is that I stupidly bought a house no more than a quarter of a mile from the Merrimack river. River = Water = Mosquitos = Shredding of Dan-flesh I can't walk outside of my own fucking house! Taking the dog for a walk means coming home looking like the elephant man. It's a whole ordeal just getting ready to make such an excursion. If I'm just chillin' around the house in shorts I have to go put on jeans, a long sleeve t-shirt, sneakers, and a hat. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING THE FOURTEEN BOTTLES OF INSECT REPELLANT I DOUSE MYSELF IN! I'm more than reasonably certain that I am solely responsible for a hole in the ozone layer no less than sixteen miles in diameter.
So began my quest to rid the world of mosquitos. And by "world" I mean the area immediately around me at any given time. Honestly, I couldn't give a damn if the whole species disappeared off the face of the planet, but since I'm sure that would have some sort of bizarre ecological ramifications that would eventually mean the slow painful death of the entire human race by starvation or severe anal leakage, I'll just take personal comfort. Since my personal comfort is very important to me, I have tried and am willing to try pretty much anything to keep the swarms of tiny winged demons at bay.
Bug Spray - http://www.cutterinsectrepellent.com/
The first weapon in my arsenal is just simple bug spray. Two or three coats is good for starters. It's all about re-application with this stuff. Apparently, bug spray doesn't actually "repel" insects, but instead just makes you invisible from them. Sounds like bullshit or a false advertising lawsuit in the making. Meh. Moving on... For a weekend camping trip, I recommend packing no less than seven full size cans per person per day. My time-proven technique is the 4 step process:
1. Hold Breath, squeeze eyes shut.
2. Base Coat - Cover every molecule of exposed skin with a glistening sheen of chemical-y goodness.
3. Squiggle Spray Topcoat - Random sporatic twitching convulsions while possibly dancing in a tiny cirle and spraying. Beginners opt for one can, but pro's like me spray two cans simultaneously. Continue until any clothing is damp to the touch and numbness or slight burning can be felt all over.
4. Run like hell to escape the death cloud.
Citronella Oil - http://www.angelfire.com/creep/firebombing/citronella.jpg
The logical next step most people take is the orange lamp oil crap you put in tiki torches. It's also sold as candles in a little metal bucket or some other gimmicky powder, block, or gel. The bottom line with this stuff is that's it's an overblown, widely accepted myth. I've personally seen a mosquito land on a burning citronella candle. I actually called up the company that made the candle and asked about this. After speaking to four different people I was told "Citronella doesn't repel insects. The smell merely disuades them from biting by eliminating their appetite". Yeah, what the fuck ever. In nature it's kill or be killed. I'm pretty sure there aren't any swarms of mosquitos that just died off because the nearby orange groves made them forget that they had to eat to live. I saw a report done on this stuff on Discovery channel or something where the scientist guy puts his hand in a tank full of mosquitos with different kinds of citronella. Dude got ate the fuck up.
Electronic Bug Zappers - http://www.mosquitozapper.com/
I skipped right over this idea because I thought I was going right to the big guns. Unfortunately, I seem to be especially adept at proving how much of a dumbass I am, so back to my costly miscalculations later. Bug zappers are pretty inexpensive and relatively easy to use. If you have an outdoor electrical socket you just plug the thing in and leave it hanging off the back of the house. These things use a simple fluorescent light inside to attract insects to an electrified mesh wrapped around the outside. The problem with these things is all insects are attracted to lights so you're not just killing the real culprits, biting insects. Bug Rights aside, I'd rather not kill beneficial insects in my hunt for skeeters. Ladybugs have no place in this war. I'm sure I'll get hatemail for that sentence. Another big downside to zappers is that they use light to attract insects so they're useless during the day.
Bathouses - http://www.bestnest.com/bestnest/RTProduct.asp?SKU=OBC-TCBH
Though unexpected and a bit out of the ordinary, the theory behind installing a bathouse is solid. The idea is to attract bats to your house by giving them a place to live. Why would you want to do such a thing? Because on average, bats consume 300 mosquitos an hour! A single bathouse available for purchase on this here interweb can support anywhere from 100 to 500 bats. The one I have is about 1.5 feet by 2.5 feet by 6 inches and mounts flat to my house. That's not big at all and that one's supposed to house 300 bats. Now let's do the math: 300 bats X 300 mosquitos X an estimated 8 hours of darkness = 720,000 dead fucking bloodsuckers in just one day. What's the downside? Bathouses can be pretty expensive if you buy them online. You can get plans from the website and build one yourself for cheap money if you're handy, but it's a bit tricky and if you fuck it up no bats will come. That's another thing. If conditions aren't just right, bats won't go near the thing, homebuilt or pro-made. Too much/too little sunlight, no bats. Painted wrong color, no bats. Placed too high/too low, no bats. Moon not aligned with Jupiter during the third week of July, NO FUCKING BATS! Instructions on the Bat Conservation International website - http://www.batcon.org/ - include "if no bats take up residence after TWO YEARS, move it to a different side of your house and wait another two years" and "if bees or hornets take up residence in your bathouse, wait until winter and remove the hive". I don't have pacience for microwave popcorn, yo. Just kill the fuckin' bugs already.
Mosquito Magnet, Ect. - http://www.mosquitomagnet.com/
Better living through science? Fuck yeah. These things are touted as the saving grace and ultimate weapon in reclaiming your back yard. It works by burning propane to release carbon dioxide which is the key attractant to biting insects. When the little bastards get close enough, they're sucked up in a vacuum and dropped into a basket to -get this, I fucking love it!- STARVE TO DEATH. TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE SHITSTAINS! Okay, the website technically says "dehydrate", but unless they go cannibal they've got empty bellies. It's not like they're ordering take-out in there. The Mosquito Magnet brand one even offers "octanol" tablets, which is a fancy way of saying "animal stink" to really throw them into a feeding frenzy. All is not well in mosquito vacuum land, however. Sure, they're scientifically superior to any other solution so far, sure you don't have to douse yourself with bug spray, sure it's safe around children and pets. But nothing comes without a price, bro, and this one carries a heavy one. To the tune of anywhere from $300 to $1400, to be not so exact. Prices have come down a bit by now, but I remember when these things first hit the shelves, Home Depot was selling the smallest one with no octanol or propane tank for about $460. And that was the one you had to run an electrical cord out to. The top-of-the-line one is good for up to 1.5 acres and is completely self sufficient once you get it running, though. After it's set up you just check it once an a while to replace the propane tank or empty the dead bug basket. Golf courses were buying them by the truckload. Probably still are. My father-in-law bought a knockoff one and saved himself a buck, but wasn't happy with the performance. He gave me and my wife the knockoff and went out and got himself one of the self-running Mosquito Magnet brand units and swears it's the best thing for the back yard since grass seed was invented. I'm still on the fence about our knockoff though. All last summer I had an orange cord running across my yard and I filled the propane tank twice. Propane and extra electricity aren't exactly free and honestly I don't think I saw much difference. It'd be one thing if I saw proof that it was working, but the basket was always empty. When my father-in-law called the company about that, they said that the mosquitos were being chopped up by the fan and the pieces were falling through the spaces in the basket. Sounds like more bullshit to me, but I was recently told that putting a cutout piece of some nylons in there will prevent anything from escaping, dead or alive. I'll give that a try with the half-tank of propane left over from my barbecue, but if that doesn't work I'm chuckin' the thing.
http://www.cafepress.com/dizigns
User Reviews
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-30 09:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ballchick_handjob (user info) at 2005-08-03 19:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like anything that sucks.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-03 18:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAN
DAAAAAAAAAN
HEY DAAAAAAN
LOOK
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72324
WHADDYA SAY?
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-03 17:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate those little vampires.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-08-03 16:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And yes, I spelled "mosquitoes" wrong EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. Fuck sakes, I'm useless.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-08-03 16:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good advice all around. Thanks everyone.
darko - because no one was buying any of that stuff and I'll need the room for some new designs I just made up.
munkeypants - Yes. Obviously you didn't get mine responding to it. What's going on Saturday?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-03 16:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did you get my text?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-03 15:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
why'd you get rid of the personal request section?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, if mosquitos could just eat dead people or something that would solve a lot of problems.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just goes to show how sweet you really are, Dan...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:51:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know people that eat a match-head claiming that the sulphur smell makes you an undesirable target for insects. I dunno how true it is.
=============
B1 pills really smell like sulfur.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. I currently have six mosquito bites on my ankles and they itch like crazy. I hate the pestiliential little fuckers and I curse God for creating them.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know people that eat a match-head claiming that the sulphur smell makes you an undesirable target for insects. I dunno how true it is.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn mosquitoes
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go to a hiking/camping specialty store and look for a bottle of MAXI-DEET.
You know DEET, you green machine. I had that MAXI-DEET with me in Venezuela and the shit carved a path 20ft wide in the jungle. It also turned my clothes different colors where it got on them.
But I didn't have problems with bug bites where it was sprayed on.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty much what Caul said.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am pretty sure the Veggies do work, other than that I suggest you just skate it off.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As I read this, I'm sitting in my dead quiet office, and I start to hear buzzing. Like a god damned winged insect is trapped in my office.
Scared the shit out of me, I tip toed noiselessly to each corner to hear it, and didn't find anything. Seeing trucks in my neighborhood spraying repellent into the air at midnight when everyone sleeps is like a Twilight Zone. Fuck insects. All of them, except caterpillars.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I come from a very rural place in Northern QC and we know a shitload about mosquitoes because well...we have a shitload of them! A neighboring town even had its river treated because they could barely go outside, but that was extreme.
- Avoid highly perfumed shampoo or soap during mosquito period.
- Ingest a daily dose of B1 Vitamin. You have to do it the whole year, or at least 3 months prior to spring. It repels the mosquitoes, look it up. My dad does it. It's not super effective but it helps and the vitamin itself has other benefits. http://www.vitawise.com/Handbook/Vitamins/vitamins.htm
- Mosquitoes are shitty pilots. If you're sitting oustide, have a couple of fans rotating around your people. The mosquitoes will persist and stay but they won't be able to bite, to a certain extent.
- Every repellant will eventually be sweated out so use a cream for better effect. I used to plant trees and every single forest worker swore by this very effective cream (not spray): http://www.18hrwk.com/watkins-products/insect-repellent.htm
- If you really are that fed up, walk around the vicinity of your house and make sure there aren't any puddle of water.
Personally, I would usually just get used to them little fuckers.
Submitted by Dizzle (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriousally, i used to get eaten alive by big ol bloodsuckers, then i started to eat alot more vegies, still eat meat but more veggies, i have only been bit twice this summer... Thats why mom always told you to eat your veggies.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me want you.
Cause you sound TASTY!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One word, darling... moveyoursexymochaasstoTexasandlivewithme.Tiffycancometoo.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could always have me stop by. If I am there, the skeeters won't bother with ANYbody else.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-03 09:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truley informative. I hardly ever read anything that contains REAL information here. Nice work.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-03 08:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS IS WHY I AM A HERMIT
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-08-03 08:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ben's 100 in the little orange bottle... sure it's 100% DEET and it'll make your babies born naked... but it seems to work
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something fun to do with mosquitoes:
Try to get one to bite you on the inside of your forearm. Once it latches on, make a fist and flex your arm as hard as you can. The increased blood pressure from the flexing will make the mosquito unable to unlatch, and it will eventually explode from having too much blood pumped into it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't have pacience for microwave popcorn, yo. Just kill the fuckin' bugs already. "
we had a mosquito magnet in my parents backyard...we lived right by a conservation area, wich contained a swamp, and the drainage easment was in the woods behind our backyard. mad mosquitos.
but then this mosquito magnet came in, and absolutely nuked hiroshima.
the first week, the basket was full. there must have been six pounds of dead mosquitos.
sure, we still got bit in the backyard, because those fuckers are innumerable, but we killed a bunch of them.
and by the way, fuck lady bugs.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Notes from the pest control agency:
"Because on average, bats consume 300 mosquitos an hour! A single bathouse available for purchase on this here interweb can support anywhere from 100 to 500 bats. The one I have is about 1.5 feet by 2.5 feet by 6 inches and mounts flat to my house. That's not big at all and that one's supposed to house 300 bats. Now let's do the math: 300 bats X 300 mosquitos X an estimated 8 hours of darkness = 720,000 dead fucking bloodsuckers in just one day."
It's actually better than that. The common bats here in New England are brown bats and they consume up to TWELVE HUNDRED insects an hour. Also? AVERAGE colony is between 200 and 400 bats. So that's between 240,000 and 480,000 kills PER HOUR. YEAH, bitches.
Hey, I need a gun!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I die and go to heaven ('cause Berty est te roxors) I'm grab God's junk and nut him in the teeth for making mosquitos. And wasps for that matter.
Course he'd then sick the holy ghost and I'll tell you now brother you've got to kick that mother in the throat!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lucky NH mosquitoes...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God I fucking hate misquitos, I see my daughter with bites and I think about how I could take West Nile or something as an adult but as a baby she would have a tough time.
I've become anal with cleaning the back yard or standing water by regrading, funneling water away, and making sure there is not standing water.
Personnally the little fuckers have always kind of left me alone.
The best spray out there (this coming from and avid outdoorsman) is a product called Duranon...a quick Google will result in plenty of links on it. Due yourself a favor and buy a case.
By the way how long until 'google' goes into the dictionary as a verb?
Submitted by HLB (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get Pregnant?! I tried that, I think they are actually more attracted to me! I think they can sense the increased blood flow. I took my dog for a walk yesterday and came back looking like a leper!
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-08-03 07:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
get pregnant. they don't like the taste. if you can. believe me, it works. the little feckers used to go straight for me, now it's not even half a bite before they transfer to my hubby. mwahaha.