Warning: If you wish to keep your sanity, do not read this (1349 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SG The Platypus Master (View user info) at 2005-08-03 10:30:01 EDT
Well, it seems that you do not wish to stay sane, although you were probably not sane to begin with, which means my title is useless, but if you were sane, then my title may make sense, maybe.
Continued From http://www.ubersite.com/m/57248
Now, I know you probably won't click it, but you should. Otherwise, you will become more insane than you wish to.
Ahem.
It has been 5 years since we last left Platypus. He has been living happily under the sea with his family and friends all this time, but that is going to change very soon. In fact, it is going to change...NOW!
Platypus: "Platypus! Don't leave!"
Platypus: "I'm sorry Platypus, but I must leave. We must all leave. There is no more food in this area. We must migrate to another part of the ocean."
Platypus spent his entire life in his area of the Pacific Ocean. He didn't want to move! He didn't even know what else was out there! Would there be more water?? Would there be other rocks?? He doubted it.
Platypus: "Just because we no longer have seaweed doesn't mean we have to move!!"
Platypus: "But seaweed is our main diet!"
Platypus: "Yes, didn't you know this Platypus?"
Platypus: "Yes, I knew this."
Platypus: "Not you, the other Platypus."
Platypus: "Me?"
Platypus: "No, not you."
Platypus: "Oh."
Platypus: "No wait...yes I was talking to you."
Platypus: "OK."
So the family of platypi began to pack, and Platypus sat in grief. But then, a thought came to him.
Platypus: "Stop packing!! I will find seaweed! We don't have to move!"
Platypus: "Are you stupid?? You can't find seaweed!! You're damn retarded! DAWWWWWW!"
Platypus: "Did you just talk to yourself?"
Platypus: "....No?"
So Platypus convinced all of them not to move for 3 days. If Platypus did not find any seaweed in 3 days, they would move. But Platypus would not let that happen. He would find the seaweed no matter what it took. So he swam and he swam through the ocean, looking for seaweed, but could find none. After the first day he began to lose hope. But as he continued swimming he saw a shore in the distance. It was a beach in California, and many humans were on this beach. Surely a human would help him find seaweed!
So Platypus came out of the water and began to walk on the beach, but the humans did not react as he expected them to.
Human: "OH MY GOD IT'S HIDEOUS!!"
Human 2: "WHO WOULD MAKE SUCH AN UGLY CREATURE??"
Human 3: "IS IT RETARDED OR SOMETHING? LOOK AT THE WAY IT WALKS!"
Everyone on the beach began screaming and laughing at him, and this hurt Platypus's feelings. Why did everyone make fun of him? It was unfair. So he left the beach and wandered through the streets asking anybody if they knew where he could find seaweed, but everyone reacted the same way, in disgust. Night soon came and Platypus kept wandering, cold and hungry. As he walked through an alleyway, and old, wise looking man stopped him. But really, he was just a hobo.
Hobo: "Heyyyy little man. What are you doing out here?"
Platypus: "I am looking for food so that my family does not move away. My name is Platypus, what is your name?"
Hobo: "My name is Jesus. Jesus Christ."
Platypus: "Oh OK."
Jesus: "So Platypus, what kind of food are you looking for?"
Platypus: "Seaweed."
Jesus: "Ohhhhhhhhh! Seaweed! I think I have that!"
Platypus: "Really?!?!"
Jesus began rummaging through his cardboard box and pulled out a big bag of marijuana.
Jesus: "This is weed. I think it's like the same thing as seaweed."
Platypus jumped with joy. Though the seaweed looked a little different, he suspected that it must be another species of seaweed, but that would still do for his family. Oh Platypus! What have you gotten yourself into now?? Hahahaha.
Jesus: "Why don't you try some?"
Platypus: "OK!"
So Jesus took some of the "seaweed" and put it into a bowl connected to a tube like structure. He then handed it to Platypus.
Jesus: "Put your lips on it and inhale."
So Jesus lit the bowl and Platypus inhaled like he told him to. What happened was not what he expected. He began coughing very violently after he finished breathing in the seaweed. Ohhh Platypus!
Platypus: "COUGH COUGH! WHAT KIND OF SEAWEED IS THIS?"
Jesus: "It's good seaweed man! It's good! Here, you can have all of it man!"
Jesus handed Platypus the big bag, the pipe, and the lighter. After Jesus went to sleep Platypus began heading home, uncertain of what his family would think of this strange type of seaweed. But as he walked toward the beach, Platypus began feeling very weird. He felt as if he were looking through the eyes of someone else! His legs were moving, but he didn't feel like he was walking! Confused, Platypus touched his face to see if he was alright.
Everything felt fine, but Platypus continued to touch his face. It felt strange! Strangely good! He continued to feel his face has we walked down the streets, laughing at himself. When he finally reached the beach, he couldn't remember how he got there! How funny! Platypus, you crazy fool!
So Platypus began swimming back home, a trek that seemed to take much longer than usual. When he arrive back home, everyone greeted him with cheers.
Platypus: "It's a new breed of seaweed! It's even better than the kind we ate!"
Platypus: "LET'S HAVE SOME!"
So they all smoked the "seaweed" and were having a hilarious time!
Platypus: "DAWWWWW!"
Platypus: "Hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man."
Platypus: "Stop saying that!"
Platypus: "LOOK I'M SWIMMING HOLY SHIT I'M SWIMMING OH MY GOD!"
Platypus: "DAWWWWWWWW!"
Platypus: "Hey man, you're swimming to fast. Get back under the speed limit."
Platypus: "OK 3 2 1 Do do do dodo."
Platypus: "You know, Cool Runnings is a classic. I mean...it's...it's...it's...it's a classic. It's the story of the Jamaican people overcoming the robots and winning world fame. John Candy, great actor. I mean, he was a great sandwich in that movie. A great sandwich. That's why I love Terminator. Classic."
Platypus: "Alright, what would happen if you went back in time, and then killed your mother? Like, then your mom would be dead, but then you wouldn't be born, and then so then and then you wouldn't be able to kill her, so then she would be alive, but then you could kill her, and then if you swam 5 thousand miles, it would be like...like...like I swam 5 thosuand miles once."
Platypus: "Hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man."
Platypus: "Where the fuck did all this water come from? It's crazy man...."
And though they all had a good time for about an hour or so, they later died horrible deaths of turning inside out because platypi do not react well to THC.
THE END
User Reviews
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-03 18:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was one of the best posts ever.
Submitted by jemgonemad (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Marbla. Where everyone, and everything, is Marbla"
Fuck. Was still pimpn though.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-04 03:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-08-04 03:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sanity smanity.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-04 00:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:01:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sanity is overrated
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-08-03 22:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-08-03 20:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
holy shit. marry me. i want to make platypus human baby things. you are my hero.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-03 17:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:28:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
You moron! How the fuck do you light up underwater? Cunt.
-------------------
BWAHAHAHAHA<snort>HAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA
Thanks now people are staring
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
like reading AIM transcripts. I hate it.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well...
Well you see....
........
Platypi have special lighting power...
Yea...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-03 12:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You moron! How the fuck do you light up underwater? Cunt.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man, hey man.
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sanity is overrated.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. I guess a lot of people want to keep their sanity.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They have smoked themselves retarded.
And that's saying something, seeing as how they are platypi.