I've been to the land of milk and honey, and it sucked (2636 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.36 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-03 13:44:59 EDT
I always look before I leap.
Admittedly, my cautiousness borders on paranoia, but I've always been this way. Maybe it's because I'm a bit obsessive compulsive, maybe it's because I'm just scared of things. Hell, it's both. But I'm always, ALWAYS careful about everything. It's not like I do this for no reason either. Most of the time, it's because of things that have happened to me or someone else that I've heard of.
Before having a sit, I look in the toilet to make sure there are no snakes or alligators. I recall a story about a woman who sat down for a sit and BAM. Bitten by a snake. What could have been a satisfying shit became an painful one, and not even in the good way. There was a big spider in my bed once, so I ALWAYS shake off the sheets and blankets before laying down to sleep. I shake out clothes before I put them on and I pound on the fingers of gloves before sliding them onto my hands. Don't want any brown recluses or black widows that could be living in the glove to bite me now.
Today's incident reminds me that I can never be too careful about anything under any circumstance. I woke up way too freaking early and went a few hours without eating. I am a weird eater. 90 percent of food makes me sick, and if I eat anything in the other 10 percent range at the wrong time, I get sick. If I've not had anything to drink then eat, I'll get sick. I have an athletic frame to go with my inner-nerd. This particular morning, I decided to start things with a glass of milk.
I opened up the cupboard and looked inside. I reached for a short glass but pulled my hand back. "Nah." I declined and decided to grab one of the taller glasses. Nice, tall glass of calcium enriched white glory. For some reason, though, I did not look in the bottom of the glass before pouring the milk in. I ALWAYS do that. My worst drinking-related fear is finding something encrusted onto the bottom of my glass just as I'm finishing having drank the entire glass. It's as though I was on autopilot at the time. I took the glass down WITHOUT looking at the bottom and poured my milk in.
I walked back in here to finish my headline news. I decided to take the milk just a sip at a time to make sure I didn't make myself sick by drinking too fast. About halfway through, I could feel the milk start to warm up some, and there's no way in hell I will drink a glass of milk that's not perfectly cold. It wasn't so bad that I'd go put it back in the fridge or top it off, so I decided to chug.
I started pouring it down my throat. Oh, so creamy, so good, so...calciumy. Just as the milk started to drain away and the bottom of the glass slowly became more visible, I noticed something. After I drank enough to see what it was, I stopped. I looked at it for a second, thinking it might have been old tea in the glass, which wouldn't have been too bad. My poor eyes focused on it, and it caused me to revolt.
There was a dead, encrusted honey bee in the bottom of the glass.
I spewed the milk all over my computer monitor, ran into my bathroom, and threw up an entire glass of milk. As soon as I was done coughing and spewing, I opened my eyes. Looking down into the toilet. There was one, lonely little bee leg floating around the white mess.
Why does this always happen to me?
User Reviews
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-12-07 21:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:05:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you sure it was a bee leg and not a pube? An even more important question would be if it was a pube, was it already in the toilet or did it actually come out of your mouth? HHmmmmmm...
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BWWAAHH AH HA HA! FUCK!
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-08-03 16:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds a lot like my paranoid life. I can't eat early in the morning, I'm afraid of loud noises. Of course, none of this happened until after I met Mary Jane.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-08-03 15:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because it sucks when that kinda shit happens.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-08-03 15:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's because jesus took your pie.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
too gross for my liking
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ew
ew
ew
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you sure it was a bee leg and not a pube? An even more important question would be if it was a pube, was it already in the toilet or did it actually come out of your mouth? HHmmmmmm...
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haahaha
ps I don't think you're going to find any brown recluses where you live
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-03 14:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bee legs have tons of protein!
Oh, and I'll wanr you not to eat candy bars, as they have on avergae 8 bugs legs in each.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Boring.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My worst drinking-related fear is finding something encrusted onto the bottom of my glass just as I'm finishing having drank the entire glass.
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You have no problems.....
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm going to vomit on you.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SKATE IT OFF!
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm with congo on that one.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THEM'S GOOD EATIN'.
Submitted by Shroom (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh... I feel for you. I HATE bee's. Have a sympathy +2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Supposedly the average person swallows over a pound of insects in his/her lifetime - mostly it's bugs that crawl into your mouth while you're sleeping. Sweet dreams.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yum.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-08-03 13:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, for God's sake. Suck it up. It won't kill you!