The Glue of my Life (525 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by William (View user info) at 2005-08-04 08:14:25 EDT
With every sky that turns from dark to light, things change, we change. Little by little we grow... good or bad, we grow.
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Here's a little background information.
I married my childhood sweetheart Alex, a man I adored. We had a child together, our son. The marriage wasn't what I expected it to be. Instead it was turbulent. After the birth of our son, whom we both doted on, we both changed. I was dedicated to our boy and he was dedicated to drinking every evening with his friends down the local watering hole. It was inevitable that his eyes would wander and he'd stray. He cheated on me more than I care to remember, but I stayed with him because I was still in love with him. However, that all changed the day he came home and told me that his latest bit of fluff was expecting his child. I was heartbroken. That was the day that my love for him changed. We separated that very same day. I didn't see him for a few months afterwards. I had to deal with my child crying for his daddy during that time. He eventually knocked on my door; I didn't turn him away although I wanted to. My son deserved to have his father in his life; he was the innocent one in all of this shit. This all happened a few years ago. I thought Alex wouldn't be able to hurt me again. I was wrong.
Recently Alex told me that he wanted our son to live with him. After a couple of months of discussing this we let our son Patrick have the final say.
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Considering the lack of sleep I had Friday night I woke up rather early in the morning, though understandably feeling shitty. I had been awake for hours stressing over my son's impending departure, and contemplating what life was going to be like living on my own. Every single thought was depressing. Not because I'm a sad and lonely old fool who can't bear the thought, but rather because of how deeply hurt not having my boy around is going to make me feel. It's strange that I was missing him while he was still here.
Saturday was dedicated to my son, Patrick. Stood at the kitchen sink I told him we could do whatever he fancied, ice-skating, swimming, amusement park, the cinema etc. I was totally bemused when he adamantly stated that he was spending the last day at home playing garden games with his dear old ma'. A nudge to my left arm disturbed me suddenly from my thoughts, "I don't really care what we do Mom, as long as it's just me and you". I smiled, crouched down and kissed him on his cheek, "whatever you want, little man" Surprisingly he didn't shout "EURGH!" or wipe my kiss from his cheek as he usually does, instead he leant towards me and planted a kiss on the tip of my nose. I was the essence of euphoria right then and there, however short-lived it would be.
For the first time in his life we had pizza for breakfast, Patrick's choice of course. In between bites he'd tell me how he was looking forward to going on holiday with his dad and sister, and that when he returned he was going to help his dad decorate his own room. I almost choked on the food in my mouth a couple of times during the course of breakfast. I didn't bother doing the dishes after we'd finished. Instead I set up the skittles in the garden while he washed and dressed. We spent the whole day playing games, laughing, and loving each other. After we'd finished playing, the house and garden were a complete shambles. It didn't bother me. The mess was insignificant in the scheme of things. It could clean and tidy in the morning. We sat on the sofa amongst the shambles. Patrick wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed tightly, "Mom, I love you lots 'n' lots" I rested my cheek on the top of his head "I love you more."
I ran a bath for him. I was surprised when he asked me to wash his hair. Something so simple, yet to me was a great deal.
My 'little man' was excited when I tucked him in to bed that night. That was because he knew I had to pack the last of his things as the following morning he'd be leaving for France with his dad. I've packed suitcases full of his clothes for holidays in the past, although I've never felt such sorrow or concern as I did whilst packing that night, but then you should know that this time was different. So very different. He wouldn't be coming home to me when he got back. I pressed my lips against my boy's forehead and kept them there for what seemed like an age. His warm breath on my neck made my legs buckle as he told me "Everything's going to be alright Mom. I promise." I closed my eyes tightly, and with my lips resting on his head muttered "I know baby, I know." I couldn't look at him at that moment. As much as I wanted to I just couldn't do it. I will never look him in the face and lie, not to my boy, my baby. Since I couldn't possibly tell him the truth (and sanity knows I need to tell someone), I'll tell you. I know me, and everything isn't going to be alright. I'm already starting to fray at the edges. Quite frankly, I'm lost, submerged in a whirl of different emotions. I can don a brave face for the time being, though, even if I feel it's really for the sake of others that don't care or want to deal with someone else's pain and grief. I know it's nothing but a mask that temporarily hides the truth from people.
I had to hold the tears back the morning he was leaving. I didn't want to cry,though I needed to. I spent 20 minutes holding and kissing him before he left with his dad he put a CD in the stereo.
"Track seven is for you mom. Love ya"
I stood at the front door shaking watching them drive away. I miss him so much.
I feel for, and have immense respect those men and women that have children that live with the other parent.
The attachment below is the the track my son wanted me to listen to. Bless him.
Four Tet - Everything Is Alright.zip (2 MB) [application/x-zip-compressed]
User Reviews
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:17:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, I need to repost this under my name
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pardonez-moi?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to even out your average rating.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, I need to repost this under my name.