The Glue of my Life (1635 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.98 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Soley (View user info) at 2005-08-04 08:18:07 EDT
With every sky that turns from dark to light, things change, we change. Little by little we grow... good or bad, we grow.
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Here's a little background information.
I married my childhood sweetheart Alex, a man I adored. We had a child together, our son. The marriage wasn't what I expected it to be. Instead it was turbulent. After the birth of our son, whom we both doted on, we both changed. I was dedicated to our boy and he was dedicated to drinking every evening with his friends down the local watering hole. It was inevitable that his eyes would wander and he'd stray. He cheated on me more than I care to remember, but I stayed with him because I was still in love with him. However, that all changed the day he came home and told me that his latest bit of fluff was expecting his child. I was heartbroken. That was the day that my love for him changed. We separated that very same day. I didn't see him for a few months afterwards. I had to deal with my child crying for his daddy during that time. He eventually knocked on my door; I didn't turn him away although I wanted to. My son deserved to have his father in his life; he was the innocent one in all of this shit. This all happened a few years ago. I thought Alex wouldn't be able to hurt me again. I was wrong.
Recently Alex told me that he wanted our son to live with him. After a couple of months of discussing this we let our son Patrick have the final say.
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Considering the lack of sleep I had Friday night I woke up rather early in the morning, though understandably feeling shitty. I had been awake for hours stressing over my son's impending departure, and contemplating what life was going to be like living on my own. Every single thought was depressing. Not because I'm a sad and lonely old fool who can't bear the thought, but rather because of how deeply hurt not having my boy around is going to make me feel. It's strange that I was missing him while he was still here.
Saturday was dedicated to my son, Patrick. Stood at the kitchen sink I told him we could do whatever he fancied, ice-skating, swimming, amusement park, the cinema etc. I was totally bemused when he adamantly stated that he was spending the last day at home playing garden games with his dear old ma'. A nudge to my left arm disturbed me suddenly from my thoughts, "I don't really care what we do Mom, as long as it's just me and you". I smiled, crouched down and kissed him on his cheek, "whatever you want, little man" Surprisingly he didn't shout "EURGH!" or wipe my kiss from his cheek as he usually does, instead he leant towards me and planted a kiss on the tip of my nose. I was the essence of euphoria right then and there, however short-lived it would be.
For the first time in his life we had pizza for breakfast, Patrick's choice of course. In between bites he'd tell me how he was looking forward to going on holiday with his dad and sister, and that when he returned he was going to help his dad decorate his own room. I almost choked on the food in my mouth a couple of times during the course of breakfast. I didn't bother doing the dishes after we'd finished. Instead I set up the skittles in the garden while he washed and dressed. We spent the whole day playing games, laughing, and loving each other. After we'd finished playing, the house and garden were a complete shambles. It didn't bother me. The mess was insignificant in the scheme of things. It could clean and tidy in the morning. We sat on the sofa amongst the shambles. Patrick wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed tightly, "Mom, I love you lots 'n' lots" I rested my cheek on the top of his head "I love you more."
I ran a bath for him. I was surprised when he asked me to wash his hair. Something so simple, yet to me was a great deal.
My 'little man' was excited when I tucked him in to bed that night. That was because he knew I had to pack the last of his things as the following morning he'd be leaving for France with his dad. I've packed suitcases full of his clothes for holidays in the past, although I've never felt such sorrow or concern as I did whilst packing that night, but then you should know that this time was different. So very different. He wouldn't be coming home to me when he got back. I pressed my lips against my boy's forehead and kept them there for what seemed like an age. His warm breath on my neck made my legs buckle as he told me "Everything's going to be alright Mom. I promise." I closed my eyes tightly, and with my lips resting on his head muttered "I know baby, I know." I couldn't look at him at that moment. As much as I wanted to I just couldn't do it. I will never look him in the face and lie, not to my boy, my baby. Since I couldn't possibly tell him the truth (and sanity knows I need to tell someone), I'll tell you. I know me, and everything isn't going to be alright. I'm already starting to fray at the edges. Quite frankly, I'm lost, submerged in a whirl of different emotions. I can don a brave face for the time being, though, even if I feel it's really for the sake of others that don't care or want to deal with someone else's pain and grief. I know it's nothing but a mask that temporarily hides the truth from people.
I had to hold the tears back the morning he was leaving. I didn't want to cry,though I needed to. I spent 20 minutes holding and kissing him before he left with his dad he put a CD in the stereo.
"Track seven is for you mom. Love ya"
I stood at the front door shaking watching them drive away. I miss him so much.
I feel for, and have immense respect those men and women that have children that live with the other parent.
The attachment below is the the track my son wanted me to listen to. Bless him.
Four Tet - Everything Is Alright.zip (2 MB) [application/x-zip-compressed]
User Reviews
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-10-23 03:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dd_cunningham @ hotmail.com
Mail me sometime.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, Blondie, 'cepting for that time I cut my foot and grazed my ankle but that was a while ago and as my grandma used to say time heals all wounds and I guess she was right because I don't see a scab anymore okay maybe I picked it a little but did I tell you about the time my boxer who's dead now ate my eldest's naval scab abhhorence so I was like changing his nappy one day and as the putrid sweet stench of his movement rose and smote my nose i peered through my watery eyes and thought fuck when's that scab thing gonna fall off and minutes later as I was wondering why the fuck nappys don't have velcro I looked back down and thought hey it's gone and then looked at Cleveland the boxer who was waiting patiently at the foot of the change-table to play with his new friend but he was chewing something and I looked at him and said oh fuck off Cleveland that's disgusting and he looked at me and thought "What??"
good times, good times....
I hope you're well.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
S'up Danger? How are you doing?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-16 08:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-01-16 08:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
motherfucker...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by brummie92 (user info) at 2005-09-17 06:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW, sorry
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never would have imagined
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-26 13:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have a great weekend with him girlie. x
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-08-26 06:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm getting on with getting on chick. It hurts like nothing else, I see him at weekends now which is better than nothing at all. I'll have him here tomorrow till Monday.
As for the track, it uplifts me. Me and my boy would wurgle along to it.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-26 06:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, just saved that music... sad but lovely.
How you feeling my girl?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-26 06:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read that feeling really sad... then listened to the music and it made me cry for you.
If I was there now I would be hugging you.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think of anything to say.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You plaguarised this from William! How could you...
I don't have anything to say that will bring you any comfort because I've thus far never had a kid and I've definitely never had to let one go for any length of time and so wouldn't patronise you by trying to give you advice, because I know I wouldn't want to hear it from me.
What I can say is that You are a strong and wonderful person who I have always admired since our first introduction and I know that you can handle a hell of a lot more grief and misery than I ever could. Not that I want you to have to handle grief and misery in my place or anything, I tell you what- ignore me because I say stupid things when I'm trying to be supportive.
Thinking of you.
Paul.
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-06 12:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are no words...
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god.
I am a stepmother (in essence), and the fact that the child does not have his two blood parents together causes me no end of guilty feelings.
He does, however, get to see both of them almost daily. That assauges my guilt somewhat.
I commend you for your strength and bravery.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god. I can't imagine how hurt you must feel.
I was a single mum to my boy for six years.. just me and him, walking to school, going on picnics, watching tv, playing and fighting and laughing..
Being without him would damned near end me, even now, married and with the baby twins... he's still it, you know? He's my boy.. I'm so, so sorry, honey.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus that is harsh.
There are no words that can express my feelings.
I will just say, be strong Dee.
Take care.
-Dave
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have mail
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to my world.
It's been almost 3 years since I've had my son full time. He's coming to live with me when he starts school in the fall. I thought living without him would kill me.
Now I'm scared to death of being a mom again.
Good luck honey. Email me if you ever need to talk. I remember how having no one to relate to made it that much harder to deal with.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-04 11:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well soley, i'm about to go to bed and you've made me cry, so i think i'll listen to the song in the morning. if i could make you feel better god knows i would.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't worry - he'll grow up, realise what a shit his dad is, and come home to his loving mother. and good on you for being the bigger person!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You slay me. Have a virtual hug from Shlongy...and forgive me if my hands slip and grab your ass.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me angry.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-04 09:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
. . . .
I am so, so sorry.
I know this is just a series of words on a screen from someone you don't even know, but I'm sorry.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-08-04 09:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't even imagine.
Like best wishes from a stranger across the Atlantic will help, but I'm giving them anyway.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-08-04 09:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was going to be about a horse.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That I share my name with someone who could betray the woman he loves is pretty rotten.
You're lucky to have a son that loves you so much. He's lucky to have you as his mum.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is some sad shit
don't worry, a plus two from me will make it all better
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach after reading that.
With all the sincerity I posses I hope that everything does turn out alright for you Dee.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um...for now...*hugs*
you'll have mail in the near future.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I don't know what to say.
You've got my email and mobile if you want to talk. Always a pleasure, never a chore. You know that.
Take it easy Dee.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't know if it's the hormones, but this made me cry for you.
if you need someone to email brainshit to, mail me...
moomoozoo.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's 7 going on 17.
Thanks TigerLilly.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be rough, having something like that happening. How old is he now?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-04 08:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so touching and sad Soley.
Try to keep your chin up as hard as
that might be!