The Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 9: Chicken and Waffles, Mutherfucker (965 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty (View user info) at 2005-08-04 10:28:39 EDT
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/54305 "Pictures is Evidence"
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/54766 "We got ourselves a Situation"
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/55333 "Fuck YOU! He works for ME!"
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/55472 "That shit doesn't hold Water!"
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/55929 "You're Not Helping Me."
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 6: http://www.ubersite.com/m/58226 "I would walk 500 miles..."
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/62942 "Not Animal Friendly"
Brakefield Chronicles Vol. 8: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64292 "You're WHERE?"
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For those of you unfamiliar with Brakefield, I suggest you start at the beginning. He's a funny old bird, and working behind the bar at his joint was one of the highlights of my young life. There was never a dull moment, and it took getting a phone call from my buddy Trey last night to remind me of this little gem. Want to know more about Trey? He's been the subject of 1 story thus far, but it made most heated: http://www.ubersite.com/m/68518. He's a crazy bastard. Maybe that's why we get along.
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After a few months of slow Sundays at Brakefield's bar, he decided the night needed a pick-me-up. He conscripted me to book a DJ to make Sundays our Service Industry Night, or SIN night, for those who never worked the biz. It was to be a mix of karaoke and dancing, and the service employees from miles around came a-runnin.
Sadly, the first DJ I selected was a bit of an idiot. He only played rap when it came time to spin dance tunes (between karaoke singers). Now I don't have an issue with rap, to an extent, but at the time I was listening to The Thong Song about 25 times a night, and I was none to pleased with it. His name was Sam, and Sam and I did not get along.
With rap, came the thugs. Insert "Oh Snap" here.
Anyone who's ever bartended, waited tables, or been in any other tipped profession knows that thuglife Joes don't tip. I'm not talking just black people here - we had white thugs. Oriental thugs. Women thugs. Forget about it. Not only did they not tip, they tried to skip out on their tabs, they snuck in booze from the outside, and they started shit at the bar. And worst of all, they ran off the good clientle that we wanted at the bar.
Being the bartender every Sunday night, I was forced to put out these fires. I tried hiring a security service that specialized in bouncers, but they were more thugged out than the patrons. They were summarily dismissed. Then I brought in an off duty cop for $50 a night, but that threw a wrench into Brakefield's bookie business.
In the end, he decided to come in on Sundays himself, and he and I would handle it. Whatever.
About 2 weeks into his tenure as co-peacekeeper, the night was more Tupac'd than most. The DJ was spinning all the wrong shit, the thuggles were loud, unruly, and not drinking enough (of our shit) to make the night worthwhile. I was pissed, Brakefield was half drunk, and shit was sure to ensue.
There was a group at a corner booth ordering pitchers way too seldomly to be as drunk as they were acting. The waitress was a cornflake, so I left the bar for a sec to go investigate.
Out of 6 people, there were 2 IDs. (but at least 4 dozen do-rags. Go figure) Also, under the table was a nice collection of airplane bottles. Empty, of course. Brakefield was on my tail, and since I had backup from the management I politely asked them to get the fuck out of the bar. They asked why, and I went into the laundry list of laws they were violating.
The leader of the group, one who actually had an ID proclaiming him of age to drink, told me that since he was old enough to be there he didn't have to leave. I pointed out the 6 glasses of beer on the table, and responded that since he was the one who obviously ordered the beer, he would be arrested for giving alcohol to minors if he stayed and I called the police.
And my, how the obscenities flew. I was a white this and a white that and a mutherfucka and a cracka and a racist, and all the while I just stood there, smoked my cigarette, and smiled at him. He could have been Apollo son of Zeus, and I would have kicked his ass out for the shit he was pulling. Color was a nonfactor.
Enter Brakefield.
Tonight's title fight: The old skinny redneck vs. The Thuglife Biggie Shiznet
"I've had about enough of you, you little shit. This man not only asked you to leave, but explained to you all the reasons WHY you had to leave. Now you get out of my fucking bar, or I'm calling the police. Understood?"
Granted, hearing a little squeaky voice like Brakefield's would have thrown me for a loop, too, but the offending party regained composure and responded with;
"I don't care who's bar this is, mutherfucker! If I leave me and my boys ain't eva comin back! We spend good money here! We're customers!"
And Brakefield's reply;
"Fuck that. You sneak in liquor, you make a mess, you don't tip. I don't want your business. Go back to Roscoe's you little punk."
"To Where?"
"Roscoe's. Get some chicken and waffles. Just get the fuck out."
Suprisingly, they left. I had no way to fathom how Brakefield was familiar with Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, but it took me a solid 15 minutes to stop laughing. Trey, who was in the place drinking that night, laughed almost as hard as I did. He then told Brakefield that he should open a Roscoe's in our little town, and be the manager.
Brakefield told him to go fuck himself, and continued to get sloshed.
Fast forward several weeks.
Brakefield was back in town after a weekend at Myrtle Beach playing golf, it was Sunday once again, and the bar was hosting our own little version of FreakNeak. Brakefield had just gotten back to town, was drunk already from the ride back, and was wearing his golf attire at the bar. Khaki shorts, polo shirt, flip flops.
And in walks the ringleader from the days of old. The little fucker Brakefield told to go to Roscoe's comes in, bellies up to the bar right BESIDE Brakefield, and orders a drink.
I could almost see the old man's eyes light up.
"Back again, huh?"
"What?"
"Didn't I tell you to leave last time?"
"Man, I've been here since then."
"Well it's a good thing I didn't see you. I would have tossed you again."
"You got no reason to throw me out, asshole."
I suppose being called 'asshole' was reason enough for a drunker-than-usual Brakefield.
"Look, I told you to go to Roscoe's, and I meant it. Now get the fuck out!"
"Man, WHERE? What is this Roscoe's shit you keep spittin?"
What happened next caused me to come as close as I've ever come to shitting myself while behind the bar.
Brakefield peeled off his golf shirt, and revealed his tee shirt underneath. One of those custom made airbrush jobs you get at the little kiosks along the boardwalk at the beach.
The front was a picture of a chicken wearing a do-rag, with "Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles" airbrushed across the top.
On the back, in 5-inch letters, was printed H.N.I.C.
"Chicken and Waffles, Mutherfucker, that's what I'm spitting. Nitty, don't serve him. After the shit he pulled in front of me last time, he's no longer welcome to drink here."
After I walked the guy out, when I actually apologized for Brakefield's behavior and told him to come back on a non-Sunday, I came back to the bar.
I was handing Brakefiled's next gin and tonic over the bar to him when he said,
"Man, I was saving that shirt for Trey."
-nitty
User Reviews
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-15 12:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-11-26 22:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I +2 all of these yet?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-08 21:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserved more hits and attention but you don't know how hard it was for me NOT to break this streak of 2's.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-06 02:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked at a bar in the middle of Newburgh which is one of the most ghetto places in NY, it's about an hour north of NYC. I can feel your pain.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll have to start at the beginning and work my way down the line with this one. I feel I'm missing some background info.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jiminey Yeezus! I read each one, and thank you, Nittynittier, for making my day. Hilarious
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these. a nice break from the usual Thursday shitstorm.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Refering to McCallum's post as to who you want to be when you grow up, I wnat to be Brakefeild.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-04 11:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shut up Toby you love me and I know it.
In a total non-homosexual way, of course.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-04 11:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:34:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic Nitts!
I love you! ;)
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Ditto....
Except for the loving and winking part, of course.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me loves these.
Submitted by Smithens (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant as always!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well Done.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic Nitts!
I love you! ;)