My Mom Is Trying To Scar Me For Life, Too! (1088 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by spedmonkey <spedmonkey.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-04 12:21:32 EDT
Now, as you all know, my dad really does his utmost to make me cry emo tears, and has throughout my life. But yesterday, I finally discovered the true culprit: my mom. My dad's just been channeling her the whole time.
Yesterday started out innocently enough. I went home, like usual, pulled down my pants, like usual, and masturbated to gay porn, like usual.
OK, part of that last sentence was a lie. I don't think it qualifies as porn if it's being reenacted live in front of you. Or if you're taking part in it.
Anyway, that ritual complete, I immediately became bored. I looked around my room for something fun to do, and noticed my baggie of hydrated copper sulfate that I stole from chemistry class in 11th grade. Now, for those of you who don't know, hydrated copper sulfate is a blue mineral in basic form, but you can heat it up and drive away the water in it, thus turning it pale white. I was amazed when I first saw that done in class, so, I decided, let's try and re-enact the experiment.
I grabbed a souvenir spoon from Disney World and my trusty lighter, and placed some blue powder onto the spoon. Then I held the lighter under the spoon, and lit up.
Right away, the stuff started crackling and popping, which made me hungry for some Rice Krispies. So I abandoned the set-up on my dresser and went downstairs to have a bowl. Then I came back and resumed the experiment. In no time at all, the powder had turned it's basic white color, and I was smirking at how awesome I was.
And then my mom walked in, to see me standing in the middle of my room, heating a spoonful of white powder and sniggering like a fiend.
She stared. I stared. Time stood still, and baby Jesus cried. Then, being functionally retarded as I am, I said the only thing that made sense in that situation.
"Want a hit?"
My mom backed away, shut the door, and went downstairs without another word.
I did explain what happened to her after, and she seemed to accept it just fine. And then she made me go out shopping with her for some new pants.
We got to the store, and she immediately strode over to the pants, pulled out about thirty pairs, and ushered me to the dressing room.
"Now honey," she said really loudly, "I want you to come out so I can see how every pair looks, OK?"
I rolled my eyes. "Look, mom, not only would that be about as demeaning as S&M, but it would also waste time too."
"What's S&M?"
"Ummm... I don't know. I just made it up. I swear. Anyway, the point is, you should go find clothes for my sister or something. For the love of God, leave me be for just a bit."
"Fine." And she stomped off toward the girls' section.
For my part, I tried on three pairs of pants, decided they were good enough, and spent ten minutes alternately playing games on my cell phone. After a while, I left most of the pants with the dressing room attendant, took my three pairs, and went out to find my mom.
I found her in probably the most awkward place possible: looking at training bras for my sister.
"Here," I said, tossing my selections into her arms.
"OK," she said. "Just let me grab a couple of these and then we'll go."
We got to the cash registers, and of course, my mom picked the hottest one there at which to pay. And the cashier wasn't bad-looking, either. My mom chatted with the cashier about the new Harry Potter book and other stuff while I stood there checking her out.
The cashier, not my mom.
The cashier didn't even bat an eye when she scanned the bras and put them into the bag. At least, not until my mom decided to get her revenge for the previous incident.
"Erik, get the bag," she said, a lot louder than she needed to. "After all, EVERYTHING in there is for you."
Shamefaced, I grabbed the bag as the cashier stared, then started laughing. As we walked out, I asked my mom, "Seriously, what the hell was that?"
Then she said the most unexpected thing ever:
"What? You're going away to college next month. I have to fuck with you as much as possible before then."
Super. My life will be a living hell until then.
God I want to get the fuck out of here.
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
maybe your parents realized their mistake in birthing you
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-10 19:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Want a hit?"
bahahahaha
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-01-10 19:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"Erik, get the bag," she said, a lot louder than she needed to. "After all, EVERYTHING in there is for you."
*This* shot you down in public?
You need to gain wit.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are off to college and your mum still buys you pants?
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sounds like someone couldnt live up to daddy's standards
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-08-08 05:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My mom chatted with the cashier about the new Harry Potter book and other stuff while I stood there checking her out.
The cashier, not my mom."
I'm now sat at work smirking like a retard, they may have noticed I'm doing fuck all useful. Ya bastard.
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-08-06 13:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol that was funny
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-06 12:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now THAT was funny
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-04 16:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-04 16:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a hee hee!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-04 16:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do they call it a training bra anyways?
Does it teach the baby boobies to do tricks? Edumacate the nippleses to be perky?
Fuck, I'd wear a training bra if it would learn my man-boobs some awesome tricks...
Submitted by queen_of_the_djel (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Encore! Encore!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ahahahaha your mom is great.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should meet my mother - this is a woman who will shout "What kind of cream do you think is best for a yeast infection?" across two aisles in the drugstore. Over the years, I have perfected the art of pretending not to know her when we're in public together.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crackhead.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's nice that she still buys your clothes for you.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:29:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Post of a picture of your sister
She's' sounds hawt
------------------------------------------------------------
because she has a training bra?
ok. each to their own I guess.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And then I went to Subway for lunch.
<vrooooms!>
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, the post was pretty darned funny, but when I read this:
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:29:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Post of a picture of your sister
She's' sounds hawt
My mind's eye suddenly flashed to the face of someone who was an Ubersite first-timer. Jaw dropped in disbelief, shock and horror.
That mental picture cracked me up as much, if not more than the post itself.
Then I spent some time thinking about what a fucked up place this is when this sort of thing is funny.
Weird.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm with Xcuses.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post of a picture of your sister
She's' sounds hawt