I had to do it (1060 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.62 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DJMattB241 (View user info) at 2005-08-04 12:38:31 EDT
Today I did the unthinkable: I shopped at Wal-Mart.
Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. Why on Earth would I subject myself to such a mind-numbing, mullet-inducing, excess body fat-growing experience? Well, allow me to tell you a tale. A sordid tale full of sadness, grief and despair. But mostly, a story about a boy and his electric shaver.
You see, I shave. I do this because every 3 days or so, I start to resemble a monkey, both in the facial hair department, as well as the flinging poo department. But my point is, I have to curtail my facial hair, for fear of turning into something resembling Cousin It... or a member of ZZ-Top.
The main part of my shaving routine involves something officially called "Remington FaceSaver". Basically, it's a little stick of powder, that you apply to your face before shaving, and it helps the shaver... well... shave better. A lot better.
The thing about this product is, it's rapidly disappearing. Used to be that whatever corner drugstore I might wander into, I would be greeted with smiling faces, a warm breeze, and open arms, leading me fairy-like to the shaving aisle, whence upon I would purchase my FaceSaver for around $5 and be on my merry way home, thinking joyfully about the glorious shaves yet to be experienced.
This is no longer the case. No. Now when I walk into Walgreens or CVS, I am greeted by cold stares and cold shoulders. The shaving aisle itself seems to have been exiled down to a corner of the store, where it hides, shaking and shivering, not wanting to be beaten again. As I peruse the 3 or 4 rows of shaving supplies now left half empty, I no longer see my FaceSaver, and the world is a worse place for it.
Hence my trip to Wal-Mart. My face had had enough of the cold, uncaring touch of the Gillete Mach 3 Turbo, and begged for the warm carress of my Remington whatever-it-is electric shaver. So as a last desperate attempt, before buying the stupid thing from Amazon.com and paying twice as much just for shipping, I walked the long parking lot from where I work, to the (as always) nearby Wal-Mart.
The instant I passed the threshold, my heart started racing. The atmosphere, as it always does, put me into survival mode. Okay. We're here. Let's get what we need and get the hell out. Move! Move! Don't stop moving or they'll mistake you for dead, and Lord knows where you'll end up! I brushed past the startlingly intimidating woman that greeted me, and hung a sharp left. Some instinct inside me told me that this was the direction I needed to go. I passed the cashiers, dodged several large black women with breasts the size of a Honda Civic, and found the correct section of the store... I thought. I never stopped moving, my eyes trying to read the aisle signs fast enough to keep up with my footwork.
I found the hygenie section, where I assumed shaving would be a subheading of, although I do note that the term "shave" or "shaving" never appeard on the aisle titles. After wandering up and down, completely hopelessly, three aisles of cheap, Wal-Mart brand crayons, I mean makeup, I found what I was looking for. On the horizon, I saw it. Shaving Cream! This could only mean... YES! The Shaving Section!
Unlike your Walgreens and CVS's, with their paltry 3-4 rows of shaving equipment, Wal-Mart boasts 4-5 rows. My hope, my reason for entering the store, my reason for not killing myself the instant I set foot in this hell-hole, faded quickly. As I scanned the rows, I found nothing. No trace of it. I had just about gotten up the resolve to end it all when I heard it.
"Deodorant."
I turned to the sound of the voice. A tall, medium-built black man, wearing tall fat black man clothing was looking at me. I looked back. Again he said, "deodorant." I raised an eyebrow in curiosity, and he, understanding that he would have to reduce his upper-level ebonics to comunnicate with a lowly white person, said, "Where's the deodorant?" I pointed vaguely in the direction of the rest of the store and said "I think it's a few aisles that way."
He left with what looked like a newfound sense of purpose in his step, and I had regained my composure. I will not die here! I need to get out of here before he comes back and beats me about the head and shoulders for telling him the deodorant was in women's shoes. As I turned to make a brisk jog out of the store, something caught my eye. I turned and looked. Nestled in the corner, behind the edge of a shell, Salvation sat.
Remington FaceSaver.
I blinked twice, to make sure I wasn't hallucinating, and then grabbed ALL OF THEM on the rack, and high-tailed it to the checkout lane.
In the lane, behind the mom with her seven kids and no father, I looked at the rows of candy bars. Grabbing an M-azing peanut butter bar, I left. I took this to Kris, who was still at work. She looked confused, but as I explained it to her: just as the vikings who, when they stormed castles, would bring home gold and exotic perfumes to their loving wives, I have brought you home this, M-azing peanut butter candy bar, for you are my lady...
...and when one emerges successfully from a Wal-Mart, the wealth should be shared.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-09-05 04:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm shoulda been a 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-09-05 04:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why on Earth would I subject myself to such a mind-numbing, mullet-inducing, excess body fat-growing experience?
I dunno. To be around your political base?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-05 16:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wal-Mart is Satan Incarnate, you know.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-04 21:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ZZ Top, vikings, ebonics, chocolate, Mach 3 razors, and a brief reference to Kris (who is still the awesomest, if I do say so myself...)- this fucking post has it all.
Matt, where's my muthafucking masseuse? You owe me that much, you bastard!
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-04 16:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And speaking of Wal-Mart!
----------------> http://www.ubersite.com/m/72445
Submitted by tat2dcoyote (user info) at 2005-08-04 16:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:06:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good, but I can't give a plus two to a girly man who can shave with an electric after three days of growth, and think it is a lot of hair.
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you obviously never met him. ;)
and thanks for the candy bar, btw. it was delicious!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O......M.......G........
*Stunned silence*
(brief aside: well written, that's how I feel about WalMart too.."
recommencing: *stunned silence)
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Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:44:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Have you heard about singles night at Wally World? Oh gawd it's just too awful to contemplate, but they were having people who wanted to hook up put a rose or something in their cart. It's just too awful, google it, I can't go on.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yoheklan (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:19:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
You Managed to turn a 3 sentence story into a time wasting passage about your pussy face cream
Congrats
dumb ass
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoop there it is!
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Battle, well fought.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:16:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
An excellent and exhilarating read.
+2 for the viking reference.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Yoheklan (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:19:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
You Managed to turn a 3 sentence story into a time wasting passage about your pussy face cream
Congrats
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thx, n00b.
Submitted by Yoheklan (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You Managed to turn a 3 sentence story into a time wasting passage about your pussy face cream
Congrats
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:16:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
An excellent and exhilarating read.
+2 for the viking reference.
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I use Hagar The Horrible and vague Led Zeppelin lyric references as my basis for all viking knowledge.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we don't have walmart here. our largest shop is about 1/6 the size of a walmart. our largest mall is about 2 walmarts...ok, maybe 3 large walmarts.
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An excellent and exhilarating read.
+2 for the viking reference.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto anti-Wal-Mart +2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-04 13:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good, but I can't give a plus two to a girly man who can shave with an electric after three days of growth, and think it is a lot of hair.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never shopped there until I bought a house.
Now I don't know how I'd get by without it. It's ridiculous how cheap some of the things there are.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:44:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd say that this stubbornness has cost me a small fortune over the years, but therapy isn't cheap either.
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HAHAHAHA, so true. Last time I went into a Wal-Mart (about a year ago), I literally hit the front door RUNNING.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly rabbi, niggers don't wear deoderant.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot be dragged kicking and screaming into that place - I refuse. I'd say that this stubbornness has cost me a small fortune over the years, but therapy isn't cheap either.
Have you heard about singles night at Wally World? Oh gawd it's just too awful to contemplate, but they were having people who wanted to hook up put a rose or something in their cart. It's just too awful, google it, I can't go on.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and near the bottom, thats' "Shelf", not "shell"
god bless Word's spell check, eh?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, forgot to rate
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You see, I shave. I do this because every 3 days or so, I start to resemble a monkey, both in the facial hair department, as well as the flinging poo department
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no wonder I always see you sticking a banana in your pie hole
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, that was pretty funny.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-08-04 12:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
by "today" at the top, i mean "yesterday"
because i wrote this last night, you see?