I wanted to go to the beach, but instead I got a fat duece (895 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NumLock (View user info) at 2005-08-04 14:14:10 EDT
Tuesday night was nothing out of the ordinary:
Get out of work at 8:00
Drive straight to the Packie
Pick up Sal
Go back to my apartment where the rest of the guys are waiting
Play poker
Drink an insane amount of beer
Have my girlfriend yell at me
Kick her out of the house
Listen to my phone ring non-stop
Finally answer the phone
Have my girlfriend yell at me over the phone
Hang up
Sleep
..
For whatever reason, we were extra thirsty this particular Tuesday. In my drunken stupor, I made plans with my buddy to go down to the beach, despite mine having to work yesterday. No matter.. I have plenty of unused sick time to spare, I can afford to treat myself to a day in the sun. The plan was for Ricky to pick me up at 11:00.. we'd grab a bite to eat and head to the Cape for the day. The night wore down and everyone took off. (except for my girlfriend, who ended up comming back to my apartment, yelled at me until I got out of my OWN BED and slept on the couch. Gimme a break.. if you were that drunk and were hearing her bitchy voice all night, you would do the same thing.
I went to bed with sun, sand and bikinis on my mind. Then I puked. Gross.
I was awoken by my phone ringing.
"..Uhhhhhhh" (hungover)
"Steve? your late for work" (asshole boss)
I looked at the clock. It was 8:05.. I dont have to be at work till 11:30.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" (still hungover)
"... You said you'd come in early today to help me set up the training room"
"I say a lot of things" (still drunk?)
"...Well I really need your help.. we need to be set up in an hour"
This is bogus, but whatever.
"Fine i'm on my way"
I got to work and helped my stupid boss with his stupid project. It was only until after we finished and I had a cup of coffee and a smoke that I realized Ricky was going to be at my house in.. 30 MINUTES AGO!!
Shit.
I tried calling him a few times, no answer. I tried his cell phone.. it was turned off. I tried my apartment.. nothing.
DAMNIT!
I had already told my boss i'd be around for the day, and he said I could leave early, but I was not in a position to ask him to leave right now. Oh well.. I sulked in my cube.
'Looks the only tan i'm gonna get today is from the unforgiving glare of my computer screen.'
I let it go. Ricky's cell phone was off.. which I assumed meant he passed the fuck out and forgot to wake up.
I went home, and from the bottom of the steps that leads to the door to enter my apartment, I saw there was a note taped to it.
"Great" I thought. Hate mail from my girlfriend? A pissed off Ricky note?
As I started climbing the stairs, The 'note' came into focus. It wasn't a note at all.
It was a picture of a FAT DUECE.. and whats worse, it looked like it was in MY BATHROOM. This is NOT what I expected to see after work. I went inside my apartment, turned my stovetop on and started to boil some water for my delicious ramen. I went into my room and changed into a pair of gym shorts and got all comfortable. I ate, had a smoke, and had to take a shit.
I went into the bathroom and it smelled like a used diaper filled with Indian food. Like ATOMIC STYLE VOMIT FECES. I stepped outside to collect myself. I lit a candle, took a deep breath and walked to the toilet so I could flush it. I put the lid down and there was a note on top of it which read:
"I hope you find this enjoyable, its been here since we were supposed to leave for the beach!"
Fuck man ..that was 8 hours ago. I guess I can live with it, I DID kind of blow our beach plans off, even thought it wasn't my fault.
Next day, (this morning) I get up at 9:00am or so and turn on my radio. I'm sitting at the table listening to WZLX and having a bowl of Lucky Charms when Ricky walks through the door.
"Whats up du-" I couldnt finish the sentence, he walked directly to the hopper.
He must really have to go..
A couple minutes go by and I hear the sink running. I guess he must be finished.
The bathroom door opens and out walks Ricky.
"Hey man, sorry abo-"
Ricky walked out of my apartment, got in his jeep, and left.
I realized then that I am on 'punishment' for blowing our plans off. He comes to my apartment, takes a shit, doesn't flush, and leaves. I figured it was a story worth telling on SPT.
User Reviews
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:00:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a good story but you're a bit of a submissive bitch arent you?
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not really.. I kind of HAVE to do what my boss tells me to is all..
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a good story but you're a bit of a submissive bitch arent you?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-04 23:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unique payback.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-04 16:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he didn't give you an "Upper Deck"
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It could be worse. He could have shit in the sink.
Submitted by randomgirl (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny. I think you should lose the girlfriend, though. She sounds like an annoying cunt.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he didn't shit on the hood of your car...
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-04 15:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like something I would do
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cool, would have made a good non-SPT post...I think so anyway.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72445
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........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...') <---- If you dont vote!
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Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, my bad re-read
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:33:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to settle this like a real man.
Tell his sister you have cancer and you will die in amonth, and all you want is to be with her before you die. Then take pics of you two together and tell him if he craps in your place again they are going up on Uber.
==
I actually have banged his sister..
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:26:46 (#)
Ranking: 1
I just can't give +2 because you hang out with losers. Seriously who the fuck sits around for 8 hours
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HE didn't sit around for 8 hours. He came to my house to pick me when he said he would. I wasn't there, obviously, so he took a shit and left it there to rot until I came home (8 hours later) to flush it. He went to the beach.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:28:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
vaseline on the seat.
do it.
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT.
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Thats an AWESOME idea.. I work at a medical supply distributor and could easily get my hands on some SURGILUBE
I could also lube up his steering wheel... haha
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
y'know, quarrels with your ghey lover just aren't worth it - why don't you two go antiquing out in P'Town, and I'm sure your lover will forgive you!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to settle this like a real man.
Tell his sister you have cancer and you will die in amonth, and all you want is to be with her before you die. Then take pics of you two together and tell him if he craps in your place again they are going up on Uber.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
vaseline on the seat.
do it.
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
turd terrorist, turd terrorist!
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... have you considered filling the bathroom with some sort of knockout gas?
...or just plain old tear gas?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just can't give +2 because you hang out with losers. Seriously who the fuck sits around for 8 hours
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haaa. Good stuff
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh... you should pee in his mouthwash.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, that's very passive-aggressive. Your friend needs the Lord.