Fagnum's Big Day (SPT) (1039 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.41 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kai The Guy (View user info) at 2005-08-04 17:17:50 EDT
This post is not about anyone in particular; it is FICTION. mmmkay?
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Today was Fagnum's big day. Last thing before bed the night before (well actually AFTER he put in his My Little Pony underoos, and BEFORE he tongue kissed his Mom & Dad & brother good night), Fagnum sat at the computer and stared at the screen; he had just spent an hour and a half, typing out a few paragraphs, with one hand. It was his greatest achievement yet, and would serve to elevate his staus on Ubersite; after this, he would be envied by men, and pursued by women (on Ubersite, anyway).
No, this wasn't a post; Fagnum hardly ever posted anything, unless it was a copied idea, or just a lame pic from a lame website. Sometimes he's brag about being a badass, getting drunk/stoned with his imaginary boyfriends, but nobody beleieved him much, and even less people seemed to care; in fact, unless he camped, stacked his alters and kissed ass, nobody seemed to pay much attention to his posts at all.
However, he found that when he rated GOOD posts with a -2 and a dumbass comment, he got a little bit of that attention he felt he deserved; people were mildly annoyed with his childishness, which is about as close to being feared and respected as he had EVER been in his life.
"What a rush" he thought to himself as he stroked his peener furiously, "this person actually cares enough about me to respond". The only attention he was used to was the kissing and fondling he received from his family ("as long as we touch ON the pants, and not IN the pants, Mommy & Daddy won't go to jail" him Mommy explained. "But still, better not to tell anyone, okay sweetie?"). But somehow he sensed that there was MORE to human relations than living at 3rd base with his entire family; he loved the passion of argument, conflict, and hurting other people's feelings, as his had been hurt so many times before.
Now, Fagnum had met his "dream boy" on the internet; His username was Guy961070, and his ascerbic, cutting wit really struck home. This fellow was an Alpha Male of Ubersite; MVA inductee, GREAT, entertaining posts, and you could just tell by the way he writes that he gets laid on a regular basis. And by a girl! One day, Fagnum would Be just as cool as Guy961070, or die trying.
Fagnum had started an attention getting campaign some months before; his approach had been subtle, he didn't want to scare this one away, as he had so many times while trying to meet small children at the local water park; no, this one CAN'T get away! With a little luck and a lot of perseverence, Fagnum eventually got to the point that he'd add SEVERAL -2s to EVERY SINGLE POST that his dream lover had made. Spaggy's heat seeking moisture missile sat primed in his left hand (to make it feel like a stranger) as he dreamed about Guy's moistened orifices. Never before had Spaggot EVER been this excited.
That glorious morning, he clicked and gawked at the response that his masterpiece of trollish flaming had earned:
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Submitted by Guy961070 (user info) at 2005-08-04 14:32:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF I'm not reading all that, but thanks for stopping by. Was it good for you, Fagnum?
I bet it was. Messy, too.
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As he read those words, his tiny peener exploded with the orgasmic fury of a field mouse. To imagine that Guy even MENTIONED his peener was too much to bear - orgasms this intense occur only a few times in one's life. It was as close to heaven as he had ever been.
As he dabbed the tiny residual wet spot on his underwear, it struck him. Guy didn't read his last message he said he wasn't going to read "all that". Damn it! The joy of Guy mentioning his peener was immediatly extinguised by the knowledge that Fagnum had sent HOURS on that message, all for nought. THAT FUCKING BASTARD! HOW DARE HE!
And this was the love/hate game Fagnum liked to play. All the romance of an unfetterd psychodrama played in the theatre of his mind, moving forward and rewinding at random. What was the difference? This was all fantasy anyway. Yet it felt so real. As Fagnum's rage filled tears hit the keyboard like so many atomic bombs detonating on the surface of his heart, he turned away; the pain was just too great.
He got dressed. He grabbed his lunch, and tongue kissed his Mother and Brother deeply on the way out. "They ARE sexy" Fagnum thought to himself,"But they could never understand my pain". He decided to go join his father at the local waterpark, where he usually spent his days photographing the wardrobe malfunctions of the children that played there. There is where he would recharge his emotional batteries, and once gain muster up the energy to spew the shit that he hoped would captivate the amarous intentions of his "internet boyfriend". He knew he would try again tonight. He had to.
One day, Fagnum would Be just as cool as Guy961070, or die trying.
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Meanwhile, somewhere in Canada a young boy ran into an igloo to see his Uncle. "Hey Uncle Guy" the fine lad said, exchanging a masculine High 5 with his dad's favorite brother. Remember that website you gave me your ID and password for a few months back? that Ubersite?".
"Oh, that stupid thing" said his uncle casually as he sat cleaning his shotgun while watching Don Cheery's 'Rock 'em Sock 'em #4', "What about it?"
"There are a lot of fucking weirdos on that website" said the boy, as he reached for a .44 magnum pistol that awaited cleaning, "It's a complete waste of time".
"It sure is, kid" said the Uncle, "It sure is".
User Reviews
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-01-23 09:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As he read those words, his tiny peener exploded with the orgasmic fury of a field mouse.
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you had me at field mouse.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-01-23 09:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry I missed this...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
halarious
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-18 05:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm glad you got banned
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-08-05 22:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAT
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-05 21:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-05 16:26:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
I take shits that get more hits and favorable attention than most of your posts, Mr. Donut
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Yep, and shit it is. Only in America...
How many kids you got, Shlawngey? Or did your parents do the right thing & get you sterilized at birth?
I bet the fact that you shoot blanks is why you hate life. You aren't really a MAN at all, are you? Without nads that work, it's hardly an issue...
And limpdick, don't blame it on the booze, either!!
BLANKSHOOTER!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-05 16:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I take shits that get more hits and favorable attention than most of your posts, Mr. Donut.
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2005-08-05 15:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Write a hate post about me, next.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This about the 7th time you have told me that you are going to ignore me. Mind you, I'm not surprised that you haven't been able to keep your word, considering how you're obviously an inbred retard.
How about this. I am now going to ignore you! This is the first time that I have said it, we'll see whether I am able to back that statement up better than you have.
Say hi to your Mrs and Mom for me. Tell those skanky ass bitches that if they are so desperate to be rid of you, they should just pack the trailer up when you leave for the social security office tomorrow and disappear forever. You probably wouldn't realise until you desperately needed someone to scratch that part at the top of your forehead which you can't ever seem to reach on your own.
Think about me next time one of them gives you a kiss. That salty taste that gets left in your mouth is actually my Sperm after it had been transfered from your Mom's asshole.
Goodbye little Kai the fag, and good luck generating interest without me.
Sphagnpwned! (Fucking hell that expression is gay.)
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for the publicity anyway. I won't be returning the favour, although that is what you were hoping for when you posted it.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, all I got was yet ANOTHER good laugh and a bunch of hits at the expense of your dignity AGAIN. It was great, thanks, but time to move along!
YOU'RE A WEIRD, CREEPY PERSON. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME ALREADY! Are you a sucker for punishment, gay stalker, or both? jesus christ! If I evet kicked you in the balls, you'd probably lick you rtender tears & beg for more!
Look, I'm seriously gonna ignore you now, so fuck off. Go fixate on your local emergency ward, or your Mom's titties or a source of comfort other than MY POSTS, I think you are headed for a breakdown.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-05 06:44:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Goodbye little one, I don't think I can stomach reading anymore about how good you think you are."
Um, aside from you & your boyfriend Shlongy, the jusy is unanimous. I am awesome, and you suck. I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson, but I doubt it.
You have nothing, this proves it. Now just stay away, you will look like the world's biggest fool AGAIN. I guarantee it.
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I am so unimportant that you felt it was necessary to make a little love post about me.
I wonder if you are this confused in real life? I imagine so.
It will be a cold day in hell before I learn ANYTHING from a dimwit like you.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful Uberhateness Post
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tongue kiss heh
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-05 07:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You spend all night on this one buddy?
I went to the baseball game with a couple of my friends while your loser ass wrote this. I really want to feel sorry for you, but I just don't care.
Here's a +2 to ice your swollen vagina.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-05 06:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Goodbye little one, I don't think I can stomach reading anymore about how good you think you are."
Um, aside from you & your boyfriend Shlongy, the jusy is unanimous. I am awesome, and you suck. I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson, but I doubt it.
You have nothing, this proves it. Now just stay away, you will look like the world's biggest fool AGAIN. I guarantee it.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-05 04:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The best revenge is posting well. Talk your shit, you alkie pedo rock & roll weasel, but you KNOW where the talent is, and that's why you ALL come back again and again; to get my attention, and stand on the edge of my spotlight. Sure beats being ignored on your own lameass posts...
proof: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72494
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Or this one http://www.ubersite.com/m/69883.
Goodbye little one, I don't think I can stomach reading anymore about how good you think you are.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-04 23:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:36:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:30:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:20:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
It would be nice to be important enough to have a hate post, like this, made about me one day.
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This IS about you....bahahahaah!
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and Spook and Chinasty and Cigar etc etc etc.
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And college guy and Shlongy...
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Shlongy you jealous shit; I can't just sit around & make posts about you all day, can I? That would be REALLY BORING (for me; I'm sure the public would love it). Remember http://www.ubersite.com/m/65741 ? That's about all you're EVER gonna get.
The best revenge is posting well. Talk your shit, you alkie pedo rock & roll weasel, but you KNOW where the talent is, and that's why you ALL come back again and again; to get my attention, and stand on the edge of my spotlight. Sure beats being ignored on your own lameass posts...
proof: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72494
Still waitin' for teh Sharks to "trade up" for Sidney Crosby? Heh heh heh....
And if I'm an eighthead, I also have an eightskin on my dick, 'cos that's huge too...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-04 23:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
One day, in a time not so long ago, and in a land pretty fucking far away, when Kai and Shlongy were having another one of those one-sided verbal battles - you know, the ones where Shlongy abuses Kai so badly that Mr. Eighthead wets himself - I decided to toss the self proclaimed fatass Canuck a softball of a dig - "Have another donut, fatass" I "bellowed", believing that Kai would know what I was inferring.
Amazingly enough, he did. (It's an "inside joke" and Kai also made a post about it)
The nickname, Mr. Donut was born shortly thereafter and has stuck to Kai like his skidmarked tighty whiteys up his greasy hole.
Today, even Mrs. Kai refers to her rotund hubby as "Mr. Donut", and knowing a good thing when he hears it, Kai has created an entire cottage industry around the "Mr. Donut" moniker, including 47 posts, a clothing line, and a soon to be published donut cookbook.
The only reason that I can even stand the guy is BECAUSE of his profound affection of his new, and accurate nickname.
So some good has come out of his longtime love of the puffed pastry.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-08-04 19:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More donuts!?!?! Get this man a Krispy Kreme, stat!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:30:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:20:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
It would be nice to be important enough to have a hate post, like this, made about me one day.
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This IS about you....bahahahaah!
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and Spook and Chinasty and Cigar etc etc etc.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:20:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
It would be nice to be important enough to have a hate post, like this, made about me one day.
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This IS about you....bahahahaah!
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried to fuck a rattlesnake
Submitted by ShadowFacsimile (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
he had it coming
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted a writing website, but I wound up here.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhhh... Hey Shlongy, what's Kai's thing with donuts?
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was good, but you made me miss the first four minutes of Charmed.
Bastard!
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-08-04 18:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kai is a spaggot.
Haha, this was funny though.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ask Shlongy. I'm not sure myself...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's your thing with donuts? I'm curious.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think so.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your turn, Spag.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It would be nice to be important enough to have a hate post, like this, made about me one day.
Ahhh to dream.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-04 17:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is Fagnum your alter ego?