Everything Is Perfectly Normal. Go Back To Sleep. (809 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.66 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-08-04 23:54:19 EDT
I was learning the fine art of sewing blankets at my house yesterday when some dude knocks on my door claiming he knows me from my posts and wants to kick my ass. I knew this day would come. I mean for fuck's sake, how many times do I have to threaten political figureheads before someone gets the point that I want to die? I grabbed my guitar in hopes I could play a guitar solo and deflect the bullets like Ted Nugent does all the time against super villains, and opened the door with a swift tug to find some dirty hobo sitting on my steps...
Hobotron: Hey everyone look, it's GodLikesALottaDick! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hee hee!
Me: This is a joke right? You know you're going to hell for that little joke you made out of my name? Oh no, I get it man, my parents paid some crackhead a dollar from downtown to call me out on the stories I've been posting on the internet. Yeah hey mom, I see you behind the maple tree okay?
Mom: I was just coming over to invite you to the grandest strawberry festival that will ever be held for 13 years tomorrow! I know how much you love watching the donut vendor make those funnel cakes you eat all the time.
Me: You're saying you don't know this guy?
Mom: I thought he was one of your friends? Oh Michael, no, please don't tell me this is that rice picker you owe drug money. I thought I had him killed?
Hobo Jackson: What in the name of Sauron? I just came to call you out on being an absolute poser. You're satirical stories are completely fictitious, unlike JMG114 and his delicious dating shenanigans.
Me: Yeah.....well I hate to burst your bubble, but, that's my life alright? Here comes a robot dinosaur...
Robot Dinosaur: Hey GLALL. You got my twenty dollars yet?
Me: You think I have time to worry about you trying to save up for another car to devour? I mean twenty dollars? How's that any more important than the beer that I buy? Get the fuck out of my sight.
Mom: My baby drinks alcohol!??!?!?!? We need to get you to rehab...
Hoboken: No! You.....this isn't happening.....I'm just a character in one of your posts......this isn't real....
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Josh Adkins awoke violently from his slumber. This was the seventh night in a row that he had the dream involving GLALL. They were getting stronger, more vivid. Two days ago, he even stopped going to Ubersite and reading his posts, truly a difficult thing to do, but nothing could stop his sub-conscious thoughts when he fell asleep. Even the way he walked, talked, and interacted with others throughout the day was starting to change. He started smoking pot, and drinking large amounts of hard liquor on Tuesdays and Thursdays because when Tue and Thurs is combined it's pronounced TueThurs, and I'm the only one retarded enough to make a stupid rule out of that.
By the tenth night of the night terrors, Josh was beginning to truly think he was insane. The dreams weren't of GLALL posts of old; instead they were directly involving Josh, trying to constantly tear away at what little sanity he now grasped.....
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I've been friends with Josh for five years, ever since the day he came over to pick up his slutty sister that passed out without her pants and underwear on my toilet. I figured he would be the perfect guy to send for fast food and cigarettes, so I asked him if he would like a job as a waiter in my restaurant GLALLBIA: The Restaurant, Not the Name of an Exotic Animal. Before he could accept though, I needed to interrogate him and make sure that his intentions were pure at heart....
Me: So, are you insane yet?
<Josh was sobbing gently on the floor. Why? I don't know. Is he gay? Is he?>
Josh: Please.....just please get out of my head. I can't take this anymore....
Me: Oh come on man, you know I won't stop until I've turned your brain into a nice pâté that I can serve with Ritz crackers. I swear, anymore it feels like all I eat is crackers, saltines, cheez-its, fuck I love them all....
Josh: Could you at least change up the formatting or something? Maybe try something like some serious fiction without the script-like dialogue?
Me: You must have never seen the formulas. Keanu Reeves looks like a German Shepherd.
Josh: That doesn't make any fucking sense! How....you explain to me-
Me: You look like a bag of diamonds with herpes all over it.
Josh:...........Are you-
Me: I can climb a mountain covered with snow. Let's go dancing.
Josh:............we're not really going dancing are-
Me: NO!!! THAT'S PART OF THE FUCKING FORMULA YOU JACKASS. WAKE UP!!!!
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This was the day Josh was going to try and take his life back. 21 days have passed, and 3 have gone by since he last slept. He went to trusted Ubersite users from the famous "Penis Room" of legend, and collected what information he could on the "real" GLALL. Apparently, GLALL was a 50-year old black man that was a custodian for a steakhouse. Bitter and misunderstood by the middle-class white people that constantly belittled him for his poor janitorial skills, he lashed out on the internet and became the leader of a small group of devotees that believed in his radical ideologies about celebrities and animals. He died about five months ago, but his password was given to the members of his clan, and GLALL continued to thrive.
Josh studied his posts, looking for weaknesses and ways to possibly prove himself worthy of his own sanity. During his search, the fatigue had finally begun to sink in. No amount of coffee was going to keep his eyes on the computer screen as he slowly drifted into slumber.......
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I like to get into boxing matches with people that are slightly physically handicapped, so I love to pound the shit out of this dude I know named Josh for thinking that I don't know about his fetish with butt plugs. I will not tolerate weakness.
Josh: Psh.....how about you try to rip off Freddy Krueger some more?
<My blood was boiling. I am obviously the most original person that has ever been grown in a garden, and I was not going to take this comment lying down>
Me: (lies on the floor) The man was a genius. Like you would know, you're not dead. That's just one of the options, see?
******************************8
Handbook for the Dead
Please make a selection for you eternal rest: check only one box
a. Torment the minds of living humans
b. All-you-can-eat chicken wing buffet
c. sky-diving
******************************8
Josh: Jeez. That chicken wing buffet doesn't sound too bad. Can't you switch for a while?
Me: You're just trying to get out of this "me trying to kill you with confusion" thing.
Josh: Chicken wings........
Me:...........yeah.........
Josh: Chicken wiiiiiiings.........
Me: ...............you drive a hard bargain, my friend. No dice.
Josh: Oh why not? I said chicken wings in a very enticing tone!
Me:.............this doesn't mean I'm going to like, quit this forever you know, I'll be back man......and you're gonna be toast for my fat mama, loser.
Josh: Oh my god I would kiss you if you weren't black! Please just end this post quickly! End my suffering I beg you!!!
Me: Okay, okay, chill the fuck out.......
The mind thing was good while it lasted. Still managed to kill about 14 people with boredom throughout my reign of terror, so I didn't totally waste my time I guess. Josh showed me that I can't focus so hard on my job, that you have to take a break and smell the roses once in a while. Life is just too precious, you know? Aw wait.....aw fuck, I'm dead.....that's bullshit.
I won't be gone for long, though. I can only eat chicken wings for a days before I start hallucinating from the grease. That and football season starts soon! Cincinnati Bengals for president!!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
are you autistic?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-09 18:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit how did i miss this one? you excelled yourself with this little gem GLAL.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-08-09 18:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could of used some Bruce Willis, or a zombie Oprah Winfrey.
Oh, and I DEMAND PANCAKES! AND DINOSAURS!
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-05 19:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think my brains are oozing out of my ear.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-05 19:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're like the bizarro shitfuck.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-08-05 19:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-05 17:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice picture
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-05 15:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:24:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:03:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
So now that you're nuts again, can we PLEEEEASE sacrifice those soccer moms. They're going stale just sitting in my basement waiting for you to show.
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Yes.
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Awesome.
Race you to the mountain....
READY.................GO!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL=My Hero
+2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:03:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
So now that you're nuts again, can we PLEEEEASE sacrifice those soccer moms. They're going stale just sitting in my basement waiting for you to show.
------------------------------------------------
Yes.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So now that you're nuts again, can we PLEEEEASE sacrifice those soccer moms. They're going stale just sitting in my basement waiting for you to show.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you something to feel. What?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Feel the love!!!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-05 07:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 GLALL
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-08-05 04:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-08-05 03:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good, much better than the last one I think
Submitted by TheUn-PlacidPrincess (user info) at 2005-08-05 03:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72517
I'm new.
MM
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-08-05 03:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmmmmm satan.
Submitted by TheUn-PlacidPrincess (user info) at 2005-08-05 02:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this were made into a movie, Good God...it could be beautiful.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-08-05 02:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the Awesome, man? I feel like you just screwed my ear canal and splooged all over my brain.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-05 02:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Vagina Boudoir is *so* much better.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-05 01:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MOTHERFUCKIN BENGALS, BITCHES!
Hi.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-08-05 01:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it. Why aren't you on aim?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-05 00:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BRAIIINNNNSSSS!!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-05 00:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.....................................
My god man, you've completely killed every last brain cell that has to do with being normal, haven't you?
I love you.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-04 23:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
auto scroll +1