Quantum Drinking: Drunk at work (1674 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Drugs
Rating: 1.62 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spam (View user info) at 2005-08-05 07:58:17 EDT
Last night I dreamt that I fucked my sofa.
No you sick bastards, not the rough-looking green one, the cute white creamy leather one.
Now when I say I fucked it, what I actually mean is that I made passionate love to it - there was foreplay and everything. I vividly remember gently parting one of the concealed seems so I could go to work on the zip with my tongue before mounting up to give it a real good beasting.
I fucking scare myself sometimes.
I awoke to find myself trapped in the past, surrounded by mirror images that were not my own... no wait...that's something else... Sorry about that, happens every time I start a sentence with 'I awoke to find myself'.
<ahem>
I actually awoke to find myself lying naked on my bedroom floor which was also covered in tobacco and the better part of an ounce of cannabis. £120 well spent. I still had a joint in my hand and at the time I thought it was Saturday so I had a blissful half-hour of self-delusion while I lay there, still naked, smoking my almost pure spliff. Then, as is her habit, reality slapped me in the face and I heard my lift to work pull up outside the house. Fuck me, it's Friday.
Now I am at work, still quite drunk and very, very stoned. The world is my shit coated oyster that reveals naught but nature's big 'fuck you' when pried open.
I'm not exactly sure what that last sentence means but I like it, so it's staying.
I've never been stoned at this job before. The experience is not pleasant. Reality's earlier slap in the face has now escalated to a full blown kick in the bollocks.
Bollocks is such a great word - you Americans should use it more.
I staggered over to my new boss's desk a few minutes ago, unable to bear another minute of cannabis induced paranoia ('they know I'm baked don't they... if not, why are they starring at me?'.... "Because you keep doing that inner monologue aloud" I am helpfully advised).
"Sharon, what do I have to do to get suspended with full pay for a few months?" I asked.
She looked at me over the top of her glasses. "if you want, I can suspend you right now, but your hearing will be in 3 days and you'll probably get sacked at the end of it."
"Oh." I say, deflated.
I clutch at straws. "What if I called you a cunt?"
"I'd tell you fuck off back to your desk and deal with your hangover."
Having a ball-breaker for a boss was much better than having one with a sense of humor.
Why would I dream about fucking a sofa?
Other (and better) Quantum drinking posts:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48633 - The begining
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65152 - The Epiphany
User Reviews
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-17 13:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-07 08:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that would make one of us then wouldn't it.
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2005-09-07 08:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'Seams' you could have done better.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-07 07:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ANOTHER RETALIATORY +2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-07 07:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
retaliatory +2.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-09-01 10:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GRIMSBY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We'll be out of the relegation zone a week Saturday but you will have still lost to Grimsby!
I keep forgeting to mock you in a timely fashion.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Listen lazy, get to posting. Even Dervel managed to rub his two brain cells together and come up with something recently.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-15 06:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this and quipped "GAHAHAHAHHAHAH"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spamwise
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-15 04:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He he he he... Spamual.
Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoops, that's apparently not the URL.
http://www.altervistas.com/sites/weird/154
Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not entirely related, but you might like it...
www.furnitureporn.com
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love hangover posts, as that's what all of mine have been!
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
and yes.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:08:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Im the guy who smokes the cigars and talks to the computer
--
are we still talking Quantum Leap here, or is this a deep insight into your personal life?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im the guy who smokes the cigars and talks to the computer
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:47:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I awoke to find myself trapped in the past, surrounded by mirror images that were not my own... no wait...that's something else... Sorry about that, happens every time I start a sentence with 'I awoke to find myself'.
========
I read that and grew 9 years younger.
===
WOW!! ARE YOU SAM BECKETT?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I awoke to find myself trapped in the past, surrounded by mirror images that were not my own... no wait...that's something else... Sorry about that, happens every time I start a sentence with 'I awoke to find myself'.
========
I read that and grew 9 years younger.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I AM NOT SLOPPY.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BECAUSE YOUR HEAD HURTS YA SLOPPY CUNT
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP SHOUTING AT ME
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I spoke to a guy earlier who was comlplaining that all the paperwork we send to him has his name spel wrong. his name?
- Shamuganathan Kirupakeran
What did he expect?
it was only later I found that the lazy-ass admin bods had been marking everything 'FAO: Mr Patel'
because they couldn't be arsed to type in his full name.
I shouldn't really laugh about it.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just called someone named Dick Beavers. Being a telemarketer is fun sometimes.
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not allowed to talk about it.
MY NAME IS ARTHUR
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 10:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:53:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
ARTHUR IS HIS REAL NAME
---
OKAY.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm now getting hungover.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ARTHUR IS HIS REAL NAME
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What incident would that be Jam... I mean, Arthur?
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like leather couches.
Not since 'the incident'.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And what a charming young sofa she is.
Nice legs, I might add.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck fuck fuck.
I should have changed my name on this one to I_HAVE_A_SOFA_FETISH
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-05 09:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
'a real good beasting'
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NSFW: Couch Porn. damn.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and VURRY drunk when this was written: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72227
(same thing as before)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was drunk when I wrote this masterpiece:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72115
(the word 'incest' is in the title, however the post is SFW)
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
notye to self:b drunken posting damages rating.
unless I'm Rad, perish the thought.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid reality. She can be such a bitch sometimes.
Submitted by Quale (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
being drunk at work and being drunk in lectures (uni) is about the same, right? although the consequences are a little different if caught, of course. good work though!
god i'm gonna miss still being drunk in lectures.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am turning into an old man.
I am having a rough friday because I got up at 5 to run ten mile before work.
What happened to the indo that didn't remember getting to work? What happened to the Indo that would stay out drinking until he found a chick to bang on monday nights.
Oh, thats right, I moved back to a civilized country and bought a house. I hate being responsible. At least today is a half day, and I will be blind drunk by midnight. Good luck witht he rest of your day.
Submitted by jinhenkim (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Being fucked up at work is fun
makes the day go faster
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that sucks, I hate being stoned at work
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate when this shit happens.
On the other hand.
I am a lot better at my job while still a little drunk from the night before.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-05 08:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sitting here giggling...because I had a real late night last night and I have no idea how I got to work this morning.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-05 07:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck you, I don't care if this post is shit. Just be thankful that you';renot me right now.