Oh My God. What did I Just Eat? (1902 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2005-08-05 10:51:42 EDT
Today was a morning like any other. I rolled out of bed at ten after seven and stumbled around the bedroom like a drunken midget attempting to maneuver through a series of cones. After finally reaching the promised land of the bathroom, I turned on the shower and shaved in the steamy goodness the way I always do. The reasons for doing so are three-fold:
1. The steam opens up my pores which lessens the chance of me nicking myself and bleeding to death on the bathroom floor.
2. The steam allows the Mach 3 Turbo to glide even more gently over my face and lessen the razor burn.
3. The steam and I get to play our daily game entitled "Who's going to finish first?"
(This is where the steam tries to cover the mirror before I'm finished and I, in turn, attempt to finish shaving before the steam completes its task. I've won the last three matches, but the steam claims I've been cheating by mixing in more cold water to slow its process. The steam, as you can see, is a lying whore. It's just jealous that I Beat It worse than that guy with the hideous face in Michael Jackson's video of the same name.)
(Please Note: If you were born after 1983, odds are good that this joke went over your head. Picture an actual person who looks like a cross between one of the zombies from "28 Days Later" and a burn victim. Then put him in a leather jacket and gloves and watch as he dances next to Michael Jackson. I think Brando said it best: "The horror. The horror.")
Anyway, after shaving and brushing my teeth, I hopped in the shower where did my best impression of Pavarotti as the wife flushed the toilet in the other bathroom. A few minutes later, I was back in the bedroom dressing and staring at the clock in absolute amazement. I was on time. Holy Mary, Mother of Jebus! I could stop off for breakfast on the way to work. This was fantastic.
Before leaving, I picked up my new Dane Cook "Retaliation" CD, my JOakely sunglasses, and the keys to my Jeep, then punched my wife in the heart in retribution for causing the shower to switch from "Caribbean Island" to "Witch's Teat" in a matter of 2.3 seconds.
I walked out the door, said hello to my neighbor Tony, an ex-Army Ranger who still thinks he's "In Country," and got in my Jeep. A few minutes later, I was at the local Speedway where I purchased a large coffee and two Krispe Kreme donuts (or is it doughnuts?) - one glazed and one blueberry ... also glazed.
(Really quick, why does Krispy Kreme feel the need to glaze everything? Certain donuts don't need to be glazed, blueberry being one of them. Dunkin Donuts has it down. They have a blueberry cake-style donut, known to me as "The Cake Blueberry." OH SWEET HEAVEN ON EARTH, how I love The Cake Blueberry. Sadly, I'm in Krispy Kreme country which means the closest Dunkin Donuts is about a thousand miles to the east in BOSTON, so I'm shit out of luck. But I digress.)
After paying for my items, I left the gas station and climbed back into the Jeep to continue my trek to work. A few miles later, Dane is on my cd player making the drive bearable as he muses about shitting on people's coats at parties and naming his sons after the Transformers. Meanwhile, I'm laughing and burning my tongue as I sip the 72,000 degree coffee and pray to God I don't get pulled over by Johnny Law (since I'm going 55 in a 35 as usual).
After a while, it dawns on me that I'm very hungry. As if sensing my need for blueberry goodness, the stop light in front of me turns red and I pull the Jeep to a stop. I reach down into the bag o' goodies and pull out the aforementioned blueberry glazed donut. I take a bite anticipating the sweet holy nectar, but something goes wrong ... horribly wrong. This is not a blueberry. This is crunchy. Blueberries are not crunchy, or are they? Are blueberries crunchy? I can't recall at this time if I have ever eaten a blueberry and said "My, that was a crunchy blueberry."
Right about this time, another car pulls up next to me at the red light and I am in a state of complete panic. I roll down my window and scream at the other driver, "Have you ever eaten a crunchy blueberry!?" His response (staring back at me in absoulte horror) told me all I needed to know. Like me, the other driver did not recall ever eating a crunchy blueberry.
By now, the light had turned green, but I was in no position to move forward on my trip. Instead, I opened the door of my Jeep as the other driver peeled out and shot down the road away from the crazy man screaming about blueberries. My mind was racing a million different directions. What the hell did I just eat? What could possibly be in a donut that could elicit a crunch? A fly? A spider? A mouse's skull? A fingernail? In the name of Abraham Lincoln's gaping head wound, what did I just put in my mouth!? I needed to vomit in order to insure that a microscopic alien civilization was not swimming around in my stomach acid. Amazingly enough, I couldn't force up the goods and it dawned on me that I would be the worst bulimic ever. Because of my lack of purging ability, I searched my Jeep for something to effectively kill off whatever was now residing in my stomach. Because my mind works in odd ways, the first thing to pop into my head was Ash, from "Army of Darkness" and "Evil Dead" fame.
You see, in Army of Darkness, there's a scene in a windmill where Ash is fighting a bunch of little Ashes. At one point in the scene, several of the little guys plug Ash's nose while one dives into his mouth. Ash then swallows and the small guy ends up in Ash's stomach. Ash's reaction? Drink the water boiling in the kettle on the stove in order to burn him out.
Wait a minute. Burn him out. I have hot coffee right here! I picked up the cup of coffee and took a long drink. Piping-hot coffee scalded my trachea and flowed over the sides of the cup and down the front of my shirt, burning my chest and making me look like I had been gangraped by Aquaman and The Human Torch; however, the coffee, now a mere 64,000 degrees, still did its job, and that was all that mattered. I got back into my Jeep and threw the donut out the window for the squirrels and birds to eat, then shifted into first gear and continued my journey - a bit wiser, and more in tune with the world around me.
I had burns on my chest, I couldn't feel my tongue, and my shirt was stained brown like I had pissed off a group of monkeys at the zoo, but I had emerged victorious in my fight with the crunchy thing. Whatever I had bitten off was more that I could chew, but not more than I could drown in a sea of boiling brown liquid.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-01 03:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
STOP SWEARING IN FILENAMES.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-09-01 02:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Krispy Kuticle
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-09-01 02:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Referencing Army of Darkness and Apocalypse Now in the same post? Automatic +2.
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-09-01 01:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like seriously, I laughed so fucking hard.
PLEASE marry me.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel left out cause I can't see the picture!!!
<sobs emo tears>
DAMN ALL OF YOU WHO SWEAR IN FILE NAMES!!!
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-08 00:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You talking about this thread, you mean?
Th blueberry donut thread?
Well here ya go, keepin it alive.
heh
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2005-08-07 13:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-08-07 12:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? SUCK MY BACK!
I'LL JUST PUT MY FINGER UP AND YOU'LL KNOW HOW I FEEL!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-06 18:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop gloating, Jay.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-06 18:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was buckshot.
They had to kill the giant bluberry, and they just missed a bit.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-06 18:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been to the one on Central. It's run by an Arab couple and I think they use camel lard. AWFUL donuts.
I didn't know there was one on Monroe, but that's WAAAY out of my way and odds are good it's in the ghetto.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-06 17:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, I was late catching your post. I hope this makes up for it.
1. Dunkin Donuts
(419) 480-0504 2709 W Central Ave
Toledo, OH
2. Dunkin Donuts
(419) 882-1787 5330 Monroe St
Toledo, OH
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-06 17:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Which is why I explained it...
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2005-08-06 14:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were born after 1983, odds are good that this joke went over your head.
-----
Didn't even have to duck.
Submitted by alex.lifeson (user info) at 2005-08-06 14:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-06 14:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, ok.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-08-06 11:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night I was at a diner with a few friends, and my one friend ordered pancakes. She smothered the pancakey goodness with butter and syrup, then cut a piece off with her fork and bit into it with a look of pure unadulterated joy on her face.
Then she started freaking out about how she bit into something crunchy and "what could POSSIBLY be crunchy in a diner pancake?"
I laughed and laughed and tried to explain the blueberry story in between giggling but no one got it.
"Who's Tom Sorrel?" they asked.
That's when I realized I need to stop coming here.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-06 11:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-06 01:43:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you wash your mirror with shaving cream, it won't steam up. The more you know, and all that
---------------
Yes, but then the steam and I couldn't play our daily game, and that would be tragic.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-08-06 08:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kadunkadunk (user info) at 2005-08-06 08:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Carribbean Island" to "Witch's Teat"
I told the cat, and he laughed too.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-08-06 07:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-06 01:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the suprise crunch.
(BTW: If you wash your mirror with shaving cream, it won't steam up. The more you know, and all that.)
Submitted by silent1 (user info) at 2005-08-05 22:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! I love Army of Darkness and hate Krispy Kreme.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-05 16:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The more I think about it- and I'm trying not to - that dude looks like he's eating dick.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-05 16:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom, you are amazing!
Have a +2!
Submitted by peessittingdown (user info) at 2005-08-05 15:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I feel less sympathy for you being "gang raped" by the two gayest of all super heroes.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-05 15:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes Val, and when I'm off, God kills a kitten. This revelation has prompted me to write less and less about things not pertaining to sports or television.
Thanks, by the way.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I take a bite anticipating the sweet holy nectar, but something goes wrong ... horribly wrong. This is not a blueberry. This is crunchy. Blueberries are not crunchy, or are they? Are blueberries crunchy? I can't recall at this time if I have ever eaten a blueberry and said "My, that was a crunchy blueberry."
This is the funniest thing i've read in.. weeks? months? I don't fucking know.
Either way, I laughed out loud, spit juice on my monitor and got funny looks from the boss. Thanks.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When you're on, you're on.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The best Dane Cook gag is where he's talking about having a time machine, then going back in time to slap his dad on the ass when he's in the middle of conceiving him.
"I'm your son from the future!! AHHHHH HA HA HA!!!"
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2005-08-05 14:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I want venom! Why not me?"
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
then punched my wife in the heart in retribution for causing the shower to switch from "Caribbean Island" to "Witch's Teat" in a matter of 2.3 seconds.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. If you come near Western PA, I'm always up for 18...Navy fag!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, you made me laugh. Great writing.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Did the guy that created the middle finger think of other things before he went with the middle finger? I mean, did he think of something like "SUCK MY BACK!!!""
"I would go to church, and right in the middle of the service, the priest would stand up and sing "I've got some yum-yum's. I've brought snacks!""
"Crouton o' Christ" "Christ Chex"
WHOO!!! Go Dane Cook. I know I didn't get the quotes exactly right, but I just don't care enough to go back and check them.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by LaganGroup (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
(But I digress.): -1 ... just 'cause it's friday i'll add +2 to that.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is along the same lines as when you are eating a hamburger and your tooth hits a hard thing - is it a bone, did you break your tooth or is it something else...I hate when that happens.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A deep-fried "hooker afterbirth" donut, perhaps?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe it was a finger
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-08-05 12:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you make me giggle
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was probably roaches. Roaches are crunchy. And blue. And taste like blueberry. Only crunchier, and with more "roach".
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmm. Teh Crunchy Goodness!
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I play the shower shave game, too. Only slightly different.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:31:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd be in heaven in my little corner of the world.
The evil powers-that-be have seen fit to befoul MY yummy sour-cream-glazed Krispy Kreme deliciousness with the putrid presence of blueberries.
I hate blueberries (AND all their numerous little lousy antioxidents).
So, they've effectively destroyed my Krispy Kreme experience.
I hate them. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your seven??? Of all the clubs, keep the seven. Use a 2-iron or something.
Personally, I'd use my putter and wrap it around your beak, er ... nose.
I'm trying to talk the wife into taking the eastern route back home, but it all depends on our trip budget. I'll be in touch if it happens.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I also know the feeling of the boycott. And I even had boobies in mine. What is happening to this world? Linkwhore Friday?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72464
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mouse skull?
Hilarious
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got HALFWAY through yesterday's Brakefield Chronicles, nitty, and I was interupted for approxiamtely the 400th time by fucking work drama.
This place makes Desperate Housewives seem like Seseme Street.
If you come through here Tommy Boy, I'll take you golfing...on me. Promise. I'll leave work. I'm the boss.
But we'd better take seperate carts because there's a damn good chance I'll want to wrap my 7 iron around your head at some point in the festivities.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tweak ... ahh ha ha!!
AH! THERE'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!
I'm actually on cup four right now and I've been awake for as many hours. Speaking of which, it's almost lunch time and Quiznos is calling my name.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take a deep breath, tweak-boy. You might want to wait a few hours until your next cup of coffee.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the feeling. No one read my shit yesterday - not even Shlongy, who usually loves Brakefield anecdotes.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72453
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Shlony. You down for 18 when I come back to Toledo from visiting the parents in October?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I being boycotted? What the hell?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually liked this post...which is strange because I couldn't give two shits about your life, in general.