Cyber for Breakfast - fiction (NSFW a little) (1534 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -0.69 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by aimee evans <pbnjams.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-06 02:54:24 EDT
This morning was a morning like many others. I came home from work, made myself a Pop Tart (frosted brown sugar owns), and sat down at my computer. Through sheer force of habit, I logged into Yahoo! Messenger - only this time, I forgot to hit the "sign in as invisible" tab.
I started talking to my sister; all she does is complain about how much she hates school, but we're twins, I have to listen. As I'm trying to stay awake through yet another "My English Lit professor's on crack" rant, a message pops up from an unfamiliar username.
"Hey, what's up? How have things been?" I had no idea who this is. It could have been one of my friends with a new email address, it could have been a wacked-out cult member (see http://www.tonyferrari.org/ for just such an example), I had no fucking clue. Deciding to roll with Option A, I replied, "Nothing interesting to report, how about you?".
"Well, I'm feeling a little horny right now. You got time?" the Unidentified Intruder responded.
"This ought to be amusing," I thought to myself. "Sure, honey, I've got a few minutes. What do you want to do?".
I just haaaad to ask, didn't I?
"I want you to take me. I want you to unzip my pants, pull them off, and touch my throbbing manhood while I make your wildest dreams a reality." Yes, he actually said this.
"Okaaaay.... I pull your pants slowly down your legs. You step out of them and kick them aside, as if you can't wait any longer. I run my hands down the strong muscles of your thighs, and touch you." This is so ridiculous. How can anyone get off on this crap?
"I'm going to take you places you've never been, do things to you that you can only imagine." I'm sure he said something more than this, but I wasn't really into it, so I spaced and started checking my email.
"Tell me what you see; tell me what you're going to do to me. Treat me rough, I like that."
This wasn't anywhere near the fun I'd thought it was going to be. By this point, I was just plain bored. It's not my job to treat some random guy rough; it isn't even my job to treat guys I know that way. I have a no-Domme clause.
I was hoping a little humiliation would make him go away, so I replied, "Um, I don't know, I hold you in my hand. You're a lot smaller than I'd hoped, but I guess we can get the job done. Just don't get mad if I'm not totally into it, okay?"
"Whatever you say, baby, whatever you say. Just talk to me, tell me what you're going to do."
Mmmhmmm. What I wanted to do was end the conversation and hit "Block User". Or just skip the middleman and hit the user. Out of some morbid streak of self-hatred, I continued anyway.
"Well, I suppose we should try and get you hard. You can't really do much with this little thing, can you? I hold you in my palm, grasping you loosely. I can hardly even tell you're there. Still, you're getting marginally harder. Just tell me when I can stop; this is kind of boring."
A long pause. And by long, I mean in a "stories about when your great-grandfather was a boy" long.
"Tell me you hate me. Tell me I'm lower than dirt." Whatever you say, dude. I did as he asked, albeit reluctantly.
Another long pause. God, I hope he wasn't doing what I think he was.
Then, almost three minutes later, he types, "AAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU OMFG !@#*^#@*& You're so good take me tell me I'm an idiot, go on tell me please."
Once again, I oblige. Had to give the man what he wanted, right?
A few seconds later, he comes back. "Thank you so much that was the first time I've ever done this, can I send you a picture?"
"I could always use a good laugh," I replied.
If I had known I was cybering with Willow, I would have tried harder.....
User Reviews
Submitted by ghost_bite (user info) at 2006-02-02 15:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm.. better than my mornings. i usually get propositioned by midget sea-donkeys.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought it was entertaining
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
still on probabtion
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-08 14:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-08 08:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Better luck next time. Keep at it though.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-08-06 18:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry buddy. This wasn't entertaining and really is a waste of cyberspace. I'll give you +1 for the picture though, cuz I always wanted one of those bow and arrow things.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-06 15:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry... I kept waiting for the punchline that never came. Back to Mortal Kombat for me!
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-08-06 14:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'll give you mildly amusing, but put some fucking spaces in there.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-08-06 14:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
im still lookinf for the nsfw part. but i cant find it. no boobies means a sad spuds. sad spuds means -1
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-06 14:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This wasn't very entertaining, post less often but better.
Mind you dont take my advice I've got a negative average rating.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-06 11:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
horrible.
and you're still ugly.
but realize that this hazing is the Ubersite way of initiation.
like in Fight Club, where tyler has the dudes hang out for three days outside his house, without food/water/sleep/shitting.
so if you hang in long enough, then maybe you'll do alright.
k, bitch?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-06 11:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should get into the whole cyber thing...because most likely, it's the only attention that you're gonna get from any guys.
Let's cyber today, at 12 noon.
I'll be here.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-08-06 10:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-06 04:55:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
OMGWTF!!!111!! THAT IS LIEK SOOOO 9TH GRADE!!LOL!11!!
GROW UP AND GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF!
I'm having a bad day. Sorry.
------------------------
Ducky may be leading the writing portion of the showdown but this broad is light years ahead in the looks department, which we all know is the more important of the two.
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-06 09:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eh.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-08-06 08:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is that a midget?
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-08-06 08:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
and she has her email as part of her username too. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA...sounds like the makings of a cybertrain.
Oh...and show us your tits. Unless you're like 13, which you probably are, in which case don't. Wait five years.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-08-06 08:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The link rocks.
Submitted by vergery (user info) at 2005-08-06 05:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol. I love the last line.
B@W
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-08-06 05:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I suppose I'm kinda sorry for my slam, too.
Just remember that we likes us some juicy content here. Just don't camwhore a bunch of times, whatever you do.
Unless, of course, you want Schlongy to worship you, in which case T & A is perfectly acceptable.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-06 05:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Aimee. I'm being harassed by drunken fucking idiots at work right now. I should have simply said that this post sucked, and asked you to produce something better next time.
This post sucked. Please produce something better next time.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-08-06 05:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-06 04:55:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
OMGWTF!!!111!! THAT IS LIEK SOOOO 9TH GRADE!!LOL!11!!
GROW UP AND GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF!
I'm having a bad day. Sorry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BURN.
Damn, Ducky, ease up. I felt the heat from that one from HERE.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-06 04:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMGWTF!!!111!! THAT IS LIEK SOOOO 9TH GRADE!!LOL!11!!
GROW UP AND GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF!
I'm having a bad day. Sorry.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-08-06 04:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What Williamson said.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-06 04:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dolt.
Submitted by Clawsss (user info) at 2005-08-06 03:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is quite funny, but gives me that icky feeling.
Makes me feel kind of bad for the vertically challenged chap as well.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-06 03:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Aimee,
This was a really terrible post, try a little line break every now and then.
Other than that, try to write about something vaguely interesting.
i don't know what else to tell you.
*kicks self in the ass for reading the whole post*
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-08-06 03:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-06 03:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm thinking of a word, see if you can guess it.
It starts with a "P".
And it ends with "athetic".