How Chasing Tacos Turned Me Into Jesus (795 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.72 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ejryu.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-07 00:36:20 EDT
It's Friday night. We've had this thing planned all week. The normal crew will be there, along with a new addition of the gorgeous, long-haired burnette from work. Whenever you get the box-to-sausage ratio of a group closer in line to even, it's always a good thing. Unless, of course, there are already more of the fairer sex there. In which case, you're probably paying those scraggly prostitutes to hang around you.
At any rate, we've got tons of booze and are at my place. I'm swinging my e-dong from side to side like it's decimating the three other guys playing Halo 2. Nothing opens the floodgates in a chick's panties like a running riot. The drinks continue and the three girls standing behind us start into their sex talks. Now at first I was all ears, but then I realized that sooner or later, my girlfriend would talk about me and that I'd either be made out to be a sexual tyrannosaurus (read: everyone calls bullshit) or a minute man (read: everyone agrees). As a side note, isn't that kind of funny how that works? No one wants to believe that you're good in the sack but they'll sure as hell agree when the bullshiting puts you at the low end of the spectrum. I'm sensing impending doom so it's time to go outside and continue drinking. The rest of the peener-havers follow suit and head out. As soon as the last guy steps foot out onto the patio, we get locked out. There's something about three women drinking together, at least two of whom have tendencies to bat for both teams that makes me feel okay about being locked out. Until they draw the shades.
Fifteen minutes pass. Someone bitches that he's hungry. Heeeeeey, isn't there a Burger King a few blocks away that's open all night? Fuckin' A, dude! Let's go! I rush back to the sliding glass door, fully ready to show my boobies or tool in order to gain access to my wallet and a driver for Whoppery goodness. Thankfully, no one had to view anything as the door was opened. Three of us pile into the sober burnette's jeep. Five minutes of drunken shoulder massages later, we get close enough to the "district" where all the greasy fast food hell holes are. Using superior intellect and problem-solving skills, we realize that Taco Bell is still open. Fuck Burger King. Taco taco! Burrito burrito! We tried ordering some complex stuff, but I guess she couldn't handle three guys screaming random Taco Bell items : / So when it was all said and done, we ended up with a mixed bag of about twenty hard and soft shell tacos.
We pull into the parking lot with our Grade-B meat and processed cheese food, ready to continue the drinking. There's a little playground with a slide and everything and the conclusion is drawn that we've got to go on the slide. I never really made it to the slide because I was too busy doing cartwheels on the grass. Well, it was more like a cartwheel and a half, roughly. Everyone else is starting to walk towards the doors to go inside. This is the part where I got my worst idea since I tried that "I wonder if I can get the beans above the frank" experiment - I must steal those bags of tacos. Must. Get. Tacos. I take off into a full sprint. With little resistance, I snatch the plastic bags out of my friend's hands not unlike the whole eagle snagging a fish thing.
A maniacal laugh exits my mouth as I continue what will surely be what's considered the most achieving moment in my life. I must have been running really fast because I started losing weight. It was enough weight that my pants started to slip a little. As my Adidas hit the ground with the next thundering step, the pants were working their way down my tiny size thirty-two waist. In less than ten steps after I'd snatched tacos (AHAHAHAHAHA!), tragedy struck. It's not easy to run with pants around your ankles. I have no idea how the kids at Neverland got around. At any rate, I take a dive. Like a lesbian porno, there are tacos everywhere. The first part of me that meets angry pavement are my hands, followed shortly thereafter by my left shoulder and/or elbow, apparently. Lucky for me, it was just a scratch. Or at least that's what my BAC told me. Get up, skate it off and get your ass inside for more drinking and tacos!
I look down and notice that my hands are sort of bloody. I bust out the pirate bandages and try to do what I can, but they keep coming off so I give up on it. I look down again when the bleeding has stopped and notice that I now bear a very strange resemblence to Mel Gibson.
Work was a bitch this morning. I haven't had to work a weekend in four months. Typing on a keyboard with hands like this kind of sucks. I was also worried that I wouldn't be able to pleasure myself, but I found out when I got home that if I'm careful and don't put pedro all the way back, it can be done. I was convinced that God hated me and I was his new stigmatic buddy. Driving by a golf course, I saw a young lady jogging in a wifebeater without a sports bra. Maybe God doesn't hate me as much as I thought. At any rate, here's the picture and the reason for this rambling. The one on the shoulder is bigger. Yes, it's just a flesh wound. Yes, I'm sure you've got worse....but I could be Jesus if you use your imagination~
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-20 15:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-18 18:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go Captain Morgan.
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-07 17:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. It would have been better if the tacos weren't real tacos though.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-07 15:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmm... Tacos
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-08-07 13:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tacos represent all that is right and good in this world.
Submitted by abaddon (user info) at 2005-08-07 09:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as you were falling, did you scream, "Save me Jebus"?
Submitted by Hirgon (user info) at 2005-08-07 08:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Disturbing mental images of men masturbating cause me pain, and my head falls off.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-08-07 05:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not enough calluses.
Submitted by TheUn-PlacidPrincess (user info) at 2005-08-07 05:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, I left a taco in the car while I ran into the store and my dog was sitting in the car and I came back and all that was left was the shell.
Tacos.
Submitted by McPwn (user info) at 2005-08-07 03:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
T Bell is pretty sweet.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-07 03:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story and vergery is a pole smoker.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-07 00:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm drunk. It didn't seem to be retarded, so _+2l. I';mf eeling generous.
Submitted by vergery (user info) at 2005-08-07 00:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W