Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines: Men on Quad Bikes in the Bighorn Mountains Cannot be Trusted (1545 hits)
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Rating: 1.96 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-08-07 13:44:18 EDT
Camping in Yellowstone was uneventful apart from an unexpectedly enjoyable twenty minutes spent collecting firewood. I had originally intended to help with the gathering of dead and down wood but girly genetics kicked in when I realised quite how arousing it was to watch a Kentucky farm boy snapping tree trunks and generally being manly, at which point I just stood back, stared and grinned the grin of 'my god that's hot'. Men, please, do more things with wood - it's just....tingly.
We'd spent the past week primed for encounters with large and dangerous wildlife, and it had taken an obvious toll on Brad's nerves:
"FUCKING A! LOOK AT THAT!" (slamming on the brakes)
"What? What?"
"RIGHT BY THE SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD!"
"WHAT?"
"Oh.....It's just a sign."
"Idiot."
When you spend a couple of weeks driving around with someone, you have a lot of time to talk. And you'd think that with two people from totally different worlds, we'd have a lot of interesting shit to talk about. There is just no way a squirrel-hunting, guitar-playing redneck who's got to twenty-seven years of age without ever seeing the ocean, and a foul-mouthed, English, city-dwelling, former girl's school pupil who spent her formative years on various jaunts around Europe and beyond are going to see eye to eye on the major issues - politics, religion, the human condition. It was a unique opportunity to examine the values and ideas our respective cultures and experiences had instilled in us.
So it should come as no surprise that our most heated debate, the one that ended in shouted accusations of 'pigfuckery' and both parties in a mild sulk was on the correct pronunciation of the word 'aluminium'. Other conversational highlights included the two hour argument on how I was allegedly embracing the ethos of Hitler by refusing to officially recognize any bean that wasn't a Heinz Baked Bean . The term 'Beanocaust' featured heavily.
The next day we got back in the car in search of the Badlands. It shouldn't have been much of a search because we had a map, but I'd learned from previous experience that with Brad at the helm, not even a map could save us from "unscheduled detours" or as I prefer to call them: "You've taken the wrong fucking turning again, you stupid fuck! Why don't you listen?? I AM TELLING YOU WHERE TO GO!"
Honestly, the man's got no respect for my navigational skills. Scumbag.
We wandered around the Medicine Lodge State Archaeological site for a while, looking at sparrowhawks and 10,000 year old petroglyphs, before climbing back into the van with the intention of heading either through or around the Bighorn Mountains. Needless to say, we got lost. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as it turned out) we bumped into a farmer guy on a quad bike, and asked him for suggestions. He directed us up a road that looked from a distance like it demanded an all-terrain vehicle, but he was very tanned, very rugged and very topless, so I decided we should trust him and do everything he said. Particularly if that involved him ravaging either one or both of us in some kind of kinky American farmer way.
With ominous foreshadowing, Brad bitched about the quality of the dirt track all the way. He perked up when we nearly ran over a rattlesnake, but quickly descended back into a funk when I failed to get a picture of it. We were making painfully slow progress and half way up the car started overheating, but we overcame that minor setback with precision teamwork. And by precision teamwork I mean Brad topped up the coolant while I pranced around in the undergrowth trying to catch a cricket.
Three-quarters of the way up, the car was struggling and the road was getting progressively worse. I distinctly remember suggesting we turn around and head back down, and Brad uttering the fateful words: "No, come on, it's got to get better."
I don't know what 'better' signifies to an American, but I very much doubt it's a road at a forty-five degree angle with a thousand foot drop on one side that's covered with foot deep ruts and huge fucking rocks. We had no business being there and I fully expected to die at any moment as we inched up the mountain, bouncing from rut to rut. The only sound to accompany the noise of boulders scraping the bottom out of the van was the occasional "Fuck" from Brad and my muttered prayers to any deity that would listen. I was fairly certain that I'd alienated the gods of all the major religions during my misspent youth, so I was forced to appeal to Smirnoff, the only Norse god whose name I could remember.
The perilously bumpy road pitched the car to one side as we went around a corner, and my nerves snapped. If I'd opened the car door I would have stepped out onto thin air. I launched into a fifteen minute tirade of borderline-hysteric abuse in which I blamed everything from the Irish potato famine to the founding fathers for my current predicament. The car fell deathly silent.
Suddenly and miraculously, the road levelled out. We turned to each other with expressions of surprised relief, and in so doing NEARLY DROVE OFF A FUCKING CLIFF.
No shit, the road headed straight off a cliff. That was just a bridge too far for my frayed nerves. We got out of the car, me muttering maniacally about walking back down and never setting foot in a car again and Brad ranting about the farmer.
"That fucking guy!....I'm going back down there to find him and fuck his shit up.....that motherfucker!"
"Brad?"
"Uh-huh?"
"Please get us off the mountain."
"I will dude, I will."
...To Be Continued....
Previous Episodes:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71252 The Best Thing About Kansas Is The Threat Of Imminent Death
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71300 Mountains, Iced Tea and Wal-Mart in Colorado
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71375 Gettin' Our Teat On in the Tetons, or "It's Fucking Mordor!"
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71560 Good Morning Mr Ranger Sir
User Reviews
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-05 15:25:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-08-14 18:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-11 16:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One more to go and I really can't be bothered to write it. I need a ghost author.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-08-11 12:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-08 06:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-08 05:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for travelling.
I've also been around , and as you'd know, you never get tired of seeing new & beautiful stuff.
These are some nice pics.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-08 03:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-07 21:53:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a lot more to the 'bean' episode than just the Great Beanocaust or the 'Holobean', as I prefered to call it. That, if I recall correctly, was an all-out WAR over beans. I don't think that at any point in my life have I ever heard two people argue about beans - never mind passionately. And if memory serves, I made perhaps the greatest pun of all time at some point utilizing the 'bean' motif.
Fuck if I know what it was now though. :(
====
Nigger, please. It was not the greatest pun of all time and even if it had been, the two hours you spent congratulating yourself over it would have taken the shine off.
We will never speak of this again.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-07 23:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what? bah. I grew up with the ocean. I just can't imagine otherwise.
I am so jealous. I would love to travel the country and see all of that.
Keep posting more pics!!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-07 21:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a lot more to the 'bean' episode than just the Great Beanocaust or the 'Holobean', as I prefered to call it. That, if I recall correctly, was an all-out WAR over beans. I don't think that at any point in my life have I ever heard two people argue about beans - never mind passionately. And if memory serves, I made perhaps the greatest pun of all time at some point utilizing the 'bean' motif.
Fuck if I know what it was now though. :(
Munkeypants: Well, you can't exactly fathom it if you haven't even SEEN it, now, can you!
*rolls eyes*
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-07 21:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
seriously, I have nightmares about edging round a big boulder blocking the path of a cliff. in the dream I spend hours edging around the blockage with nothing beneath me, my hands and feet growing painful and tired. I never get to safety and I never fall. it's terrifying.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-07 21:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those pictures are absolutely gorgeous.
I can't fathom never having seen the ocean before.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-07 20:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It isn't specifically about waterfalls, but I think it holds true anyway.
"I never drink water- fish fuck in it."
~W. C. Fields
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-07 20:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2 because the image name amused me.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-07 20:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture gave me vertigo.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-07 20:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit, there were too many amusing bits to copy and paste them all. So I shall confine myself to simply and enigmatically stating the one word that really sums up my feelings right now.
Pigfuckery.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-07 19:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What corn said. Except I don't have the means to go anywhere.
Except in my mind!! That's where I'm King and I fly over expansive geographical marvels in Wonder Woman's invisible plane.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-08-07 19:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"In commercials they always show people shampooing under a waterfall. Bullshit, that shit would knock you down." -Mitch Hedberg.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-07 19:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh goodie
Submitted by Clawsss (user info) at 2005-08-07 18:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome pics.
You should have packed a hang-glider.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-07 18:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-07 18:46:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FUCKING LIAR
====
Next one rad, I promise. Stay tuned.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-07 18:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FUCKING LIAR
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2005-08-07 18:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great pictures.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-07 17:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-07 17:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, agony of agonies...
Has anyone seen my stapler?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-07 17:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
williamson and thorpe, you need to stay the fuck away from Wyoming.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-08-07 16:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I 0 no commented on this? FUCK. I'm sorry. I meant +2.
Urg.
Anyway, do you know what you've done to me? I've spent the entire day online trying to find something amazing to do. I've maped out a few different ideas, found prices, scheduled a savings calendar, etc...
I love to travel, and I'm sad that I haven't done it in a long time. The last place I went was Vegas, and that doesn't COUNT as travel.
I'm either going to
Go back to Egypt
Go to Ireland/England/Scotland
Go to South America/Central America
Take a road trip out west
Thanks for reminding me of what I've been missing.
Submitted by spacemanor (user info) at 2005-08-07 16:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-08-07 15:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-07 14:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im curious. Was any yodeling done on this trip??
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-08-07 14:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those are the best pictures yet. Nice job.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-07 14:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-08-07 14:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of Brad's ass.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-07 13:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No picture of you with the Stetson??