The coolest of the cool (1275 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.89 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-08 10:07:46 EDT
I have no life.
I'm just going to open with that, so you can stock up on insult ammo for the rest of the post. We'll get this out of the way so coming up with it all by yourself won't hurt your tiny little brain, okay? I have no life. None. I have three kids, a husband, a cat, a fishtank that keeps turning green, a station wagon, and a perfectly clean house because I NEVER GET TO LEAVE IT, and I have. No. Fucking. Life. My world smells of bleach, furniture polish, and Huggies baby wipes. The high point of my day is switching on the slow cooker to make chicken-in-a-pot for dinner. No life whatsoever, and nothing even close to resembling one.
Got that? Okay. Moving on.
I have two - count them - TWO - outings a week. Well, if we don't include playgroup and grocery shopping. And those trips I keep making to the hardware store because they have A) a playground, and B) all kinds of neat shit that I don't need but feel really cool having. "What, a torque wrench? Of course I have one! Doesn't everyone?" I have more power tools than the average mobile handyman. I OWN A METAL LATHE. I can use it, too, I just never have a reason to.
Two outings a week. On Wednesday, I go to my sister's to watch "House." We bond over iced coffee and cigarettes. And on Friday, I go to my sister's to watch two movies, dependent on whatever the theme is for that night. Yes, yes, I spend a lot of time with my sister. She lets me smoke in the house. I'll come to your place if you let me smoke in the house, too. I'm not allowed to smoke in my house. I said so. I hate me. I keep telling me what to do and making me fold towels into perfectly symmetrical squares because if I don't THE HOUSE WILL BURN DOWN.
On Fridays, getting the movies is my responsibility. I have to go to the video shop, choose two movies, purchase enough sugar to send a herd of buffalo into a diabetic coma and enough artificial colors and flovors to make an entire preschool class hyper, and take them to my sister's house, which is a twenty minute drive away but it's okay because it's mostly along a deserted road and I get to speed.
This level of trust is awesome. I mean, they trust me to choose movies! Me! Makes me all teary eyed and shit.
This past Friday I took the kid's movies back to the video store and chose two movies for "Zombie Movie Friday, more or less, unless there's something else we wanna see and they don't really have to be about zombies, but something zombie-esque would do and hey, Lynnie, while you're there, could you pick up some of those Starburst squirts things because they're like giving oral sex to a leprechaun".
I picked out 28 Days Later and Shaun of the Dead. I staggered up to the counter, arms loaded with sugar, leprechaun semen, and Doritos, did the "Godamn it where is my video card" shuffle, muttered my password to the girl behind the counter ("Doggie doodoo", don't ever take one of your kids to the video shop ever, okay? Ever.) and wandered back to the car.
I rock up to my sister's half an hour later (I went back into the store and spent $5 on the skilltester machine first. I won a snickers bar) with The Movies. Here I am, provider of junk food and Zombie movies. I am cool. I have provided. I have arrived.
I take out the movies and hand them over.
And the laughter.. I can still hear the laughter. They were laughing at me. Not with me, as I tried to tell myself. They weren't laughing in anticipation of the fine zombie evening ahead, oh no. They were laughing because the girl at the video store screwed up and gave me back the movies I'd just returned.
And nobody can be cool, rocking up for Friday Fright Night, proudly brandishing "Elf" and "Ella Enchanted." Nobody.
I have no life. It's okay to point and laugh now.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 13:16:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing. You have a talent. You have no life? Fine. Go make one up, and write it down for the rest of the world to enjoy.
(Perhaps a story about overcoming self-inflicted obstacles would be appropriate. And through in some hot lesbian action too. That'll make it marketable. ;P)
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Yes through some in!
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 13:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing. You have a talent. You have no life? Fine. Go make one up, and write it down for the rest of the world to enjoy.
(Perhaps a story about overcoming self-inflicted obstacles would be appropriate. And through in some hot lesbian action too. That'll make it marketable. ;P)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two things:
1) You're an absolute fucking loony.
2) Don't ever, ever change.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to use that oral sex to a leprechaun line. I have a mate who downs those things by the kilo.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 05:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have decided that I hate ratings
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-08-09 16:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leprechaun Semen? ...
I was forced to watch part of "Troy" last night and you were right about it.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-08 20:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sadly enough, I think I agree with Filthy here. Don't tell her, the experience will all go to her head and she'll end up looking like Apollo.
http://www.eatbrains.com
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-08 20:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it awesome, Jay? Just wait till it gets to te part about her stuffing her hands down her pants to go to sleep.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-08 18:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know why the caged bird sings
and, a 1.99 rating is MUCH cooler than a 2.0 rating.
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-08 18:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:12:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm sorry, but Leprechaun Semen... Dear god...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My god woman, doesn't it hurt with all these people trying to crawl up your arsehole?
It was nice, but not perfect two on 49 reviews nice.
Don't get sniffy, at least I'm being honest with you.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Sits in stunned silence*
Godamnit, you're good.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's smelly pirate hooker from Whore Island, dear.
And what kind of book do you have me reading, Cookie?
I read the first 20 pages lats night, and my wrist has gone limp.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'I ain't happy...I'm feelin bad. I got sunshine....in a bag. I'm useless, but not for long. The future....is coming on is coming on is coming on is coming on.........'
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:55:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha.
At least both are... um... yea, ok, they're not good movies. But entertaining enough if the adults viewing are drunk. :) Elf is probably the best movie Will Ferrell has ever made though.
------
Spoken like a woman who has never seen "Anchorman." Also, she's a smelly pirate whore from hooker island.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:27:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll come work for you. You don't even have to pay me. Just let me rest my head in your lap while you're surfing Uber.
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clothed or unclothed?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll come work for you. You don't even have to pay me. Just let me rest my head in your lap while you're surfing Uber.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe... you already know all the stuff you can smoke in MY flat.
C'mon over. And bring Goldmember... er... the hubby too.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon over. Every one MUST smoke in my Apt. I'll mix you a nice Scotch n Sour, and you can play with my cats. Trust me - My life is WAY more boring than yours...
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well... Ella Enchanted did induce plenty of trips to the ER in epileptic shock.
Out of all my movies, two of them are zombieflicks, and both are called Dawn of the Dead. Beat that.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock so hard.
You can smoke in my house if you bring leprechaun semen.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-08 12:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
peckerhead - it's okay.. I like my life. I take the piss out of myself all the time, but I've been a lot of places and done a lot of things with my time so far.
right now, everything is quiet and clean and happy and it's just about perfect.
All is well.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-08-08 11:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you for actually making me think so early on a Monday. I could climb on my high horse and give a bunch of suggestions and/or advice... but the fact of the matter is that I don't know enough about you or your situation to do that. You might try spending what little free time you have in a self-help section of a good book store. Amazon.com does great reviews on the gamut of books in this area. Any chance that your husband and kids would join you for a family counselling session or two?
Sometimes I wonder if we expect too much out of this life(?) I'm to the point where I take small victories and positive experiences -- appreciate them for what they are -- and move on. The philosophy of 'duality' states that we will likely experience equal amounts of happiness and unhappiness/sadness in this life. This makes good sense to me. day follows night; there is good, there is evil; what goes up must come down; noisy activity generally alternates with periods of peace and quiet; we are awake for awhile and then must sleep and recharge.
One of my favorite analogies is that of the 'stick'. Take a stick; any stick. It has 2 ends. Chop it in half -- it still has two equal and distinct ends. Cut it in half again (Use your lathe if you like :-) and it once again has 2 ends. A little cursory thought and analysis shows that the stick will always have two ends. How does this apply? In the external world of continually alternating opposites... of duality... we can generally expect about equal amounts of happiness (positive experiences) and sadness (negative experiences). This is good news for you at the moment; hell, you may have already cycled out of what sounds like a mini-depression into a happier place, better mood etc. I hope so.
In any case, the reviewers so far have shown empathy and like myself, they appreciate your honesty and your ability to share. You seem to be a generally good person and you are an unquestionably fine writer. Well, that's all I have. I hope that some of the above made sense. Take care.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-08 11:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It simply isn't movie night without Leprechaun semen.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-08 11:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All right, Shlongy, you know the routine. Fetch the live ferrets and put on the feathered boa.
Tonight is our night.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-08-08 11:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<points, laughs, looks at own life, stops laughing>
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you considered smoking my pole?
9 out of 10 broads polled have determined that this task killed boredom and malaise for up to 7 minutes.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha.
At least both are... um... yea, ok, they're not good movies. But entertaining enough if the adults viewing are drunk. :) Elf is probably the best movie Will Ferrell has ever made though.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a hobby, Fabit. It's that game. That is a nifty game. Thank you for showinhg me that game. I may quit uber and just devote my evenings to that game.
Until I finish it anyway.
BB - I'll be there in three hours.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can smoke in my house if you want. I rent it out purely for smoking. In fact, you aren't allowed not to smoke in this house.
I need a smoke.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww bless you. You need to branch out and find a hobby! Have you tried knitting.
Oh god, i crack myself up.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.goyk.com/flash.asp?path=1928
Coolest game i've ever played
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Proofofpurchase - I do believe I'll just huddle up in that corner. Don't let the low, ceaseless whimperings of misery disturb you at all. Also, the rocking back and forth is soothing, nothing to be concerened about.
Teeph - Can't do it, dude. I'd then lack the hand-eye coordination to put in my vodka IV.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds like my life exactly, minus the smoking. However, the realization of this will drive me to pick up some habit I am sure...and If I tell you you don't have a life then that means I don't either. By the way, I am already occupying this corner, I fit perfectly while in the fetal position. The corner next to me is free.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you tried heroin? I heard on Oprah that all the really super cool hausfraus are getting hooked on teh smack these days.
Makes folding towels WAY cooler.
Just something to think about.
Submitted by HippoRapist (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:11:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! Let's "do it", to kill your boredom. """
This Shlongy fellow seems quite the ticket! Crude but persistently so - there in lies the humour.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hirgon (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, show me a person that is able to take all their movies back on time and you'll be looking at an anal-retentive psychopath with OCD and a penchant for zombie porn.
Theres something so simple about videos sitting on your TV/Couch whatever. They sit there. And sit there. And slowly mould themselves into the scenery. Then, inevitably, a day after they are due you go "What the fuck...?" ... "Crap. Another $5 wasted. I hate videos".
Then you head to the store and buy some more.
Bastards.
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life is a relative term Circe old egg.
Mr Dent spent the entire weekend in a state of drunken debauchery, he charmed a delightful young woman's knickers off on Friday, drank beer and watched the cricket saturday, played football and watched the England team beat Australia at long, long, last and revisited the scene of his unlikely friday night triumph and gave somewhat of a good show of himself.
My point?
It was vicarious and empty.
But you!
You my lamb! You watch Alf! And fold towels, oh what I would give to fold a towel. The cry goes round! Dent is feeling empty! The pleasures of the flesh feed not his soul! What is to be done?!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHOOPSY DAISY! Hahahaha! Stupid video store asswipes.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound a lot like my best friend in one of her special moods. The spouting of incoherent randomness that somehow forms itself into good solid comedy is a trait I thought reserved for her.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:12:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am never getting married or having children. I do not want things to end up like this.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hirgon - hahaha.. no, I went back, and put them on the counter, and looked at her.. and said "It's my job to get the movies and now they think I'm gay."
I got five credits on my account, so it'll counteract all the late fees I keep getting because I'm too stupid to take the movies back on time.
Submitted by Hirgon (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy for the embarrassment, and the ruining of 50% of your outings for that week.
Did you shove the movies down the video shop assistants throat? I hope so. Bastards, the lot of them.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike, it's really not so bad.
Sometimes... I go out to collect the mail. It's very exciting and nerve wracking. I'M LIVING ON THE EDGE.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, your life does sound pretty sad
Zombie movies suck though, only making your life seem just a little more pathetic
+2 to make you feel better
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm sorry, but Leprechaun Semen... Dear god...
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am never getting married or having children. I do not want things to end up like this.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-08 10:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! Let's "do it", to kill your boredom.