My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party (1495 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.63 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by spedmonkey <spedmonkey.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-08 13:13:39 EDT
There is no way around it: my dad is one cheap bastard. He's the type of guy that saves each and every can, so he can enjoy the benefits of that extra dollar per week. Even though we have central heating, he still goes around the house every day in the winter opening the shades, "so the sun can help heat the house." He'll always buy generic products, even if there's an obvious lack of quality, and he won't hesitate to dispute an extra dollar on his dinner bill.
Given all that, it should be no surprise that when I asked for a clown at my five-year-old birthday party, he took it upon himself to save money and dress up as the clown himself. And, of course, since I was five, I actually somehow didn't see a problem with this.
In the weeks leading up to the party, my dad went out and bought a cheap (of course) clown costume, complete with rubber nose and ginormous shoes. He also bought books on making balloon animals, doing magic tricks, juggling, and other various clown activities.
Needless to say, it was pretty entertaining watching him gamely struggle with the various talents clowns are supposed to possess. For a solid week, he practiced making balloon animals. There were so many loud pops going on that our Vietnam veteran neighbor started having flashbacks, and had to check into a mental institution for a month or two.
I wish I were kidding about this.
He also caused two minor fires, had to visit the emergency room once, and pissed off quite a few small animals when he started trying to use the flaming torches a bit too quickly.
Before we knew it, the big day came. There were about twenty people there altogether, although looking back on it, I'm pretty sure at least half of them were homeless guys who just wanted some free cake.
Or maybe it was the goody bags. Those were some kickass fucking goody bags. I stocked those fuckers full with yo-yos, various candy, and, in a couple cases, packs of baseball cards. For a five-year-old, that is about as pimp as it gets.
But I digress. As people came into the house, my dad was standing there by the door to greet them.
Let me take a moment to describe my dad's outfit more thoroughly. From what I can tell from old videos of the event, he found a dead skunk and spray-painted it green. Then used it as a wig. His face was painted in some rainbow scheme that wouldn't be out of place at a gay pride parade. The top part of his clown suit was this hideous yellow and red topcoat, and, well, I'm pretty sure he ambushed Lance Armstrong and stole his yellow spandex pants at some point.
So, imagine being a little kid going to a friend's house and seeing this monstrosity at the door. Hell, a lot of kids are scared of clowns anyway. I used to be, too, until I realized that the majority of them would give me candy if I just let them touch my special place.
Or was that my uncle? It happened so much it all runs together in my mind.
But hey, at least I got a shitload of candy out of it.
Once everyone was safely inside the house, for the most part huddled in the corner away from the clown, my dad began the act he had been so carefully rehearsing for weeks. It started with his magic show, complete with rabbit, top hat, and magic wand.
The magic show, I have to say, went all right. Except for the part where he accidentally revealed that the rabbit was a puppet, and one kid asked him why he had his hand in the rabbit's bum.
As I recall, his response was "I'm just helping him poop. All those carrots clogged him up."
After the magic show, it was time for the juggling act. He eschewed the flaming torches for eggs this time. That didn't help much, though, since the results were pretty much the same. At least three kids had to go to the bathroom to clean yolk out of their hair. My mom was cleaning egg out of the carpet for weeks, and the smell lasted for months.
Or maybe that was just the aftermath of the burritos we had afterward.
After his juggling act, it was time for my dad to tell jokes. Since he has the worst sense of humor known to man, we kids were treated to such classics as:
Q: Why did the bike fall over?
A: Because it was two-tired!
Q: What's a ghost's favorite kind of pie?
A: Boo-berry!
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because eight-nine-ten!
No, I didn't fuck the last joke up. That's a direct quote. I have it on videotape at home.
After drawing about three hundred blank stares with his humor, it was time for the grand finale of my dad's clown act: the balloon animals. He sat down in a chair, and took everyone's requests. Although he could be charged with genocide if balloons were a human race, he managed to eventually pound out the requests, for the most part dogs.
Then one little girl came up to him and asked for a giraffe. Now, in all the practicing my dad had done, he had never once had to make a giraffe. But, enthused with his previous success (or, more precisely, lack of failure), he grabbed a balloon, blew it up, and set to work.
The result? Well, let's just say he shouldn't have been so cocky going in, because it was clear he didn't know dick about what a giraffe was supposed to look like. Have you ever seen a giraffe with two small, stubby legs, a very long neck, and a swollen, enlarged head? Well, that's what this little girl got. When her mom saw it, she promptly slapped my dad, yelled at him, and subsequently prohibited her daughter from ever again visiting my house. Which was too bad, because she did eventually grow up to be one hot piece of ass.
So, not only did my dad provide the most god-awful birthday party in history, but he also may or may not have cockblocked me.
Bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no wonder you like five year olds... your trying to recapture your lost youth, the michael jackson way!
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
im sure with all the time u post u could talk to a family counselor he might actually care
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-09 17:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72812
This will ease your -2 stick.
Submitted by LaganGroup (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent Story: +2
"But I digress.": -1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-09 11:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:16:31 (#)
Ranking: 1
Least you had a dad.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You just totally depressed the shit out of me, someone give this guy a hug.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only good clown is one that's passed through the digestive system of a hyena.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-09 05:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody loves a clown, so why don't you?
Everybody laughs at the things I say and do
They all laugh when they see me comin'
But you don't laugh, you just go home runnin'
Everybody loves a clown, so why can't you?
A clown has feelings, too
I joke around at a party when you are there
But you don't laugh, you don't look, you just don't care
If you wonder why this clown is cryin'
Look a little closer, inside I'm dyin'
It's not easy to be in love, you see
When you're a clown like me'
I don't know how to say that I love you
'cause you would smile and say "Tell a joke or two"
Yes, I'm a clown but I don't wanna be
Why can'tcha see the other side of me?
Guess I'll be the guy who plays the part
Of a clown with a broken heart
Dreamin' of your love and not knowing where to start
Dreamin' of your love and not knowin' where to start
FADE
Dreamin' of your love and not knowin' where to start
Submitted by Hirgon (user info) at 2005-08-09 05:10:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was your fault for asking for a clown.
Sounds like he actually did a decent job, for the most part.
Still, it was funny!
Submitted by hawkeynut (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
my first thought after seeing that picture was: "is that a broad in body paint? I think I see a camel toe". Naked body painted clown broad is hot. I'd hit it.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-08 18:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Parts of this made me laugh like hell.
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-08-08 17:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because eight nine ten
priceless, priceless
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I just realized that clown is, in fact, a woman. Furthermore, it is a woman in body paint. Wow. I'm retarded.
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Least you had a dad.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
Aw, at least he tried.
My dad was always Santa Claus for the PBA Christmas parties. I still remember the day I realized it was him and all my childhood dreams were smashed and broken on the floor of the police station.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because eight-nine-ten!
---------------------------------------
I think that's funnier that the way it should have come out!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-08-08 14:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Depp got his Willy Wonka inspiratoin from that pusswad.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-08 14:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go away, shitty alter.
Submitted by LizBeth (user info) at 2005-08-08 14:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this is not the kicker of all ass
it is the kicker of maybe half an ass
or a fourth of a fat lady's ass
but not all ass
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-08 14:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because eight-nine-ten!
Ahahahahaha...
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm just helping him poop. All those carrots clogged him up."
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SG: Best. Joke. EVAR!
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY DID THE ROOSTER CROSS THE ROAD?
BECAUSE TWO FIVE SIX.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quali-tah.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Traumatizing small children is fun.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could be worse, your dad could have been one of those absent fathers
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quality
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WEEPS - OMG TEH TRADEGY!!!!