Toby's path to the right career choices for children. (1101 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (View user info) at 2005-08-08 15:21:42 EDT
Why do kids always want to be super heroes? After watching The Incredibles with my 7 year old nephew, he told me he was a super hero. I did what any caring uncle would do, I showed him that he wasn't and needed a new career choice in order to be successful in life.....
"I'm a super hero, you know"
"Bullshit"
"Am too"
"You are not a fucking superhero"
"Yes I am, too"
"Prove it"
"Don't have to, my super powers are secret."
"What are your powers, there Superman?"
"My super-name is not Superman, it is ummm, I...hmmm...I.... what is a good name?"
"You don't even have a name? You are cracking me up here, Batman."
"Shut up"
"Ooooh, I got it! We shall call you..................'EL GUAPO!'
"No, and quite frankly, I am un-amused by your childish, jeallous comments."
"Un-amused is not a word and jealous is spelled with one L there, Webster, not two."
"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS MAKING FUN OF ME!?!?! Stop it, or I swear by the throne of Excalibur, I will hurt you.
"Excalibur was a mythical sword, pulled from a stone by King Arthur. So it would have to be sworn by the throne of Arthur, not his sword, dick head. Secondly, super heroes cannot harm innocent people, rule number one. Someone must be doing bad things to good people before you can bring harm to them. I gotta tell you, El Guapo, I am not impressed by your superheroness as of yet. Poor spelling and grammar, uneducated references and a quick temper, maybe you should look into being a middle school gym teacher rather than savior of the world."
"I AM A SUPER HERO, SHUT UP!"
"I'm just trying to help, you know, like one of those career counselor people things. Look, you could help little kids learn to do important things like 'gymnastics', and play Olympic games like wiffle ball, dodge-ball and kickball. You could be the man teaching the bigger stronger kids to gang up on the weaker ones. You could be the guy telling the fat kids to pull harder as they struggle mightily and helplessly trying to climb the rope or the peg board while the athletic kids laugh heartily at them, scarring them for life, driving them into a cloud of insecurity and failure for the rest of their life. Unless they decide to bring guns to school and shoot all the kids that laughed at them.....for which you will be responsible."
"Your stupid. I will be called Mr. Superior"
"Bullshit, El Guapo!
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"
"And by the way, I think you mean 'you're' not 'your'. See 'your' is possessive and.......never mind. See, that's another reason you should work as a middle school gym teacher when you grow up, you could pork the English teacher and she would teach you grammar and spelling. You could also use the weight room after hours and shed a few pounds, you pudgy lil' bastard."
"I am not. I am not pudgy. I am not El Guapo."
"Well, you are a little overweight, how about we call you 'El Gordo'? Does that work better?"
"No, please stop."
"Yeah, I like El Guapo better anyway."
"I hate you!"
"Awww, don't say that. Who gives you beer when your parents aren't looking at Christmas? Who gave you the cigarettes for your camping trip last summer? I do, I did. I look after you, that are what Uncles are for, sport."
"You keep telling me I can't be a super hero, and I am fat, and my name is 'El Guapo'."
"Let's look at it from an educated, slightly-sober, adult point of view, OK?"
"OK"
"What are your super powers? Can you run really fast?"
"Yes"
"So fast, I can't see you? So fast you can get over to Ms. Johnson's next door and swipe her underwear for me before she sees you?"
"No"
"See there? Are you strong?"
"Yes"
"Strong enough to lift a car? If I stole Doctor Kincaid's new Mercedes, could you lift it high enough to disable the alarm?"
"No"
"Can you run through walls?"
"I dunno"
"Well, give it a try. Right over there is a wall, waiting to be crashed through."
***thud***
"ummmppphhh.....OOOWWWWW"
"Oooh, not quite enough force there buddy."
"My shoulder hurts"
"Shake it off and try again"
***thud***
"ummmppphhh....My leg hurts"
"Hmmm, Can you fly?"
"I don't know"
"Let's do inventory of your powers. You aren't fast, you aren't strong, and don't know if you can fly.....Well, let's give it a try. Let's get you up on the roof of the porch"
"Okay"
Looking up from the ground at the three little nephews, who looked remarkably alike, I told the middle one.......
"OK, you ready, Super Hero?"
"Catch me!"
"I am not catching your pudgy ass, you jump off there and fly, if you want to be a super hero."
***THUD***
"Shit. You OK, Champ?
"Waaaaaaaaaawawawawawa <gasping for breath> WAAAAAAAWAAAA"
"Maybe you will heal quickly; hopefully that is your super power. Now, let's get you over to the hospital before your Mom and Dad get home."
"I don't want to be a super hero anymore, Uncle Toby"
"I didn't think so, sport. Let's go watch the game and drink your Dad's beer."
User Reviews
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-10 12:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the Shitter Was Full wav you pasted on my post
Well done, Tobes.
Well done.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oooh, not quite enough force there buddy."
"My shoulder hurts"
"Shake it off and try again"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BWAHAHA! SKATE IT OFF!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 03:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IM IN A FUCKING TIME WARP I SWEAR TO GOD I REVIEWED THIS WITH SOMETHING WITTY FROM "THREE AMIGOS" I GUESS NOT.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-09 22:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUn-PlacidPrincess (user info) at 2005-08-09 15:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahhahahahaha. I laughed out loud. great post.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-09 14:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fall more in love with Toby every post he makes.
Submitted by pushedbyboredom (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay. Well, you can always say that the El Guapo comment was sarcastic.
/shrug
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:14:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:08:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure "guapo" means "good looking" there, heffe.
-------
El Guapo means "The Ladies Man"
Like Leon Phelps.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-08-09 11:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like Lord of the Flies.
Only with adults.
Submitted by jinhenkim (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason, this reminds me of steinbeck's "of mice and men"
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-08-08 17:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
needs boobs
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I'm that relative too.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Envenom, I was typing the post and noticed the typo in the word jealous and rather than correct it, I decided to use it. That's all...
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I don't get it...so you were typing back and forth to each other? How else was it that you were able to criticize his spelling? And if you were typing, why is everything in quotes? And why is it so hard to discern between your comments and the comments of a 7 year old?
I shall leave your +2 streak in tact
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im now expecting great things from you with every post.
keep up the good work
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:08:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure "guapo" means "good looking" there, heffe.
--------------
See, I did not know this. Now The Three Amigos is even funnier than before.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But a good post, nonetheless.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes sir!
I am a superhero though. It could happen for the boy still, I developed my powers late in life. I think they come with pubes, not sure it may have just been me.
Anyway, you may not have heard of me cause I am only liscensed in Bolivia. My name is Ubiquitous.
The US government is making it quite difficult to get papers to work in the states after the whole 9/11 thing. You know, the whole "where were you super guys" thing. Apparently we were supposed to stop it from happening. Whatever...just don't crash the kids dreams man. I am livng proof that it can happen.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure "guapo" means "good looking" there, heffe.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:59:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
You aren't going to be laughing when he ties your passed-out-drunk ass to the bed and sets the house on fire.
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yeah, but we will when we read the post about it
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You aren't going to be laughing when he ties your passed-out-drunk ass to the bed and sets the house on fire.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't want to be a super hero anymore, Uncle Toby"
"I didn't think so, sport. Let's go watch the game and drink your Dad's beer."
----------------------
+2 for being a cool uncle!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Score.q
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could spend more time with my nephew. He is 14 now, and not so gullible
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're giving a 7-year-old beer and cigarettes? Wow, that's going to be one fucked-up child.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha. excellent. excellent.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another good one Tobes.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Attaboy
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny Tobes.
You missed my last one you shitcan. Hop to it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep screwing with him, and he's gonna bust out the laser vision on your ass.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was quite funny...