Misadventures in the Kitchen: I Now Know the True Meaning of Pain (920 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.87 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Envenom (View user info) at 2005-08-09 08:10:27 EDT
I don't cook very often. Even had I not disclosed this information to you, it would have become apparent by the time you reached the next paragraph. You see, there are basic kitchen safety rules that any chef follows. You know the ones, don't throw water on a grease fire, don't leave handles sticking out over the stove, grab knives by the handle, not the sharp pointy end. I know nothing of these.
I was in the kitchen cutting up some jalepenos last night. Common sense should have told me to wash my hands afterward, but common sense is far too uncommon these days.
About ten minutes later I'm over at the computer chatting on AIM, when for some hell forsaken reason I decide to rub my eye. Suddenly I am in blinding pain, and before I know what's happened I've rubbed the other eye.
Rather than be rude and randomly disappear, I try to convey the awful thing that has happened to me to the party I was chatting with, but unable to see I can only manage to mash the keys in nonsensical fashion.
Envenom: OHHH SHTRIT I CANLKT FUYCKIBNTG SEEE MMEYS OMGGG#E#WTG#OEI
Sk8rgrl666: Wha???
Envenom: IT BUURRRNS OGHHMY GODD IT BURNSD SFIHT FUCLK
Sk8rgrl666: Bwhahahahahahahaha!
Satisfied at my attempt to tell my friend I may be absent for a minute or two, I head to the restroom to try and wash my eyes out. Unfortunately, I am once again plagued by my blindness and as I attempt to stick my head in the sink I slam it against the faucet, sending me toppling backwards, one hand now rubbing my head and the other covering my eye.
I gather myself and make a second attempt to wash the juice from my eye, but instead I achieve the exact opposite, ensuring that whatever remaining drops failed to get in my eye the first time around, they have now successfully reached their destination. I writhe in pain and do my best not to scream like a little girl. I return to my keyboard with visions of Jim McMahon, thinking that if ever I were going to get a fork stuck in my eye this would be the most opportune time, as I can't feel anything beyond the burning and stinging.
If I ever wanted to know how it feels to have a urinary tract infection in my eye, I now know.
I explain to my friend that the entire left side of my face is on fire, as somehow it gotten into my nose. I also explain about my failed attempt to flush my eye, at which point she suggests that I put an ice cube on it. Seeking any sort of relief, I quickly comply, but apparently I grab an ice cube that was a little too freezer burned, and it sticks to my eyelid just as Flick's tongue stuck to the flagpole.
Envenom: OGHM MY GODSD ITS STUCK TO MY EYE3D OPHH SGHIT WTF%@#5$
Sk8rgrl666: HAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO u retardd!!!
- Sk8rgrl666 has been blocked -
After a minute or so the ice cube falls off and the pain has somewhat subsided, although my nostrils still burn. I look like I've contracted the world's worst case of pinkeye. Still yet to wash the juice off my hands, I head the bathroom. As I arrive, in typical stoner fashion I ask myself, "what the hell did I come in here for?"
I pause for a moment and think. "Oh yeah, I've got to take a piss!"
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-09 13:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good move
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-09 13:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Dude, Sk8trgrl666? Bet she's a real sweetheart!
Submitted by TimmBuck2 (user info) at 2005-08-09 13:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
for even funnier pepper related injuries, search on the Best of Craiglist for the unfortunate example of what can go wrong with anal sex after handling peppers.....
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for unbearable jalepeno pain of DOOM
+1 for forgetting wtf you were doing in the bathroom, oh god that's amazing.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha!
I can laugh because i once bough a big bag of hot peppers at the farmer's market. Jalepenos, Banana peppers, habaneros ect.. So i started chopping them all up so i could pickle some and freeze some. Unfortunately i didn't wear gloves and got habenaro juice UNDER my fingernails. Holy fuck, i've never felt pain like that.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-08-09 11:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-08-09 11:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a tatoo on my spine and that was pleasant compared to what I experienced last night.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:24:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was eating jalepenos with my hands once when my girlfriend at the time made advances on me.
I neglected to wash prior to giving her manual pleasure.
Hilarity ensued.
-----------------------------------------
I was on the receiving end of this once - hilarity did NOT ensue. I got him back with some Icy Hot.
+2 for being familiar with ferocious pain.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story. Hehe.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The AIM excerpts had me laughing so hard I scared the dogs.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but seems I've read a lot of hot food/hot sauce on the eye/balls/pecker lately.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've done that. it does indeed hurt. a lot.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool, a way to experience the joys of pepper spray without all that pesky lawbreaking & police interaction! Once you recover, try the "do-it-at-home" version of a Taser: 50 feet of wire, two thumbtacks, an outlet, and someone to call the paramedics.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just had to spit out my coffee.
more fun with jalapenos: http://www.ubersite.com/m/58903
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amsuing.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was eating jalepenos with my hands once when my girlfriend at the time made advances on me.
I neglected to wash prior to giving her manual pleasure.
Hilarity ensued.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehheh, dumbass.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You nutter, I can't believe you fucked up your eye and AIM was the first thing that sprang into your mind.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-09 08:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was at a bar eating hot wings one time and I lost a contact lens. Not thinking, I licked my fingers off an put it back in. Hilarity ensued.