The Coppertone Man (957 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.77 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tbone (View user info) at 2005-08-09 20:38:03 EDT
Two days ago the girl i live with went away for a week. she does this once in a while to see her freaky family. NO complaints, I'm glad i don't have to go. It wrecks my world when they come and camp out in our little apartment. Toward the purpose of this story, this leaves me with no chance of getting any POOONANI for the whole week.
Tough position for any 20 something guy to be in especially when you are used to getting "stinky on your hang down" regularly. i've never been a cheater so this leaves me with my surogate girl: the internet.
So last night after a long night out with the boys i ended up coming home, turning off the lights, and settling in for some fine internet lovin'. Nothing worse then going out in the big city and looking at all the talent and not being able to do anything about it. If you haven't been on it, easygals is a great free site. I start switching between, saggy tits ==> asian teen ==> latin maids and before you know it i had to do something about my crank.
TIME TO WRESTLE THE BALDHEADED CHAMP.
So i am up in a flash headed to the medicine cabinet, still pretty lit up from my bach. night on the town. i'm a legit Alpha male so i have no lotion just pit and toothpaste. this leaves me digging into my girl's stuff to get a bottle. total high end cosmetic whore. DANGER! Dangerous to mess with her stuff as it is so well organized. All that matters to me is that the lotion is full enough that i can use some and not have it be obvious i was using her shit. Also, it is nice if it is alcohol free; safety tip for you young readers out there.
Mind you, this girl is single-handedly keeping the french equivalent of proctor and gamble in biz. Like a diamond thief, i wade through her stuff and pull a 3/4 full bottle; remembering the location vs. everything in the cabinet.
back to: blacks on blondes ====> then crack whore blowjobs ====> gag blowjobs =======> bang bus ==========> captain stabbin' ============> and i finally drop a load with strap on lesbians. Mind you, i was doing some real flailing here cause i had half a bag on, at least an hour session.
too drunk, too tired i crawl into bed for that blissful sleep. alcohol and endorphins lulling me to sleep. rock a bye baby..................
BAAAHHHH! BAAAAAAAAAAH! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! alarm rips me the next morning.
way to many tequila shots, up and at the medicine cabinet, tylenol and aspirin both. 20 minute shower have to pull it together for a big day at work. i have become one of those pukes i used to hate who works in an office cubicle. (this seems to be a common reality on ubersite, mind you) shave in the shower, dress quickly, install contacts and out the door. i work very early in the morning so it's just past sunrise.
best light of the day, pretty beautiful actually. it is a great feeling to be up in a big city in the morning when everyone else is sleeping. you feel a sense of ownership. this is NYC so it is rare to be outside and feel some freedom. i head to the usual street corner to catch a yellow.
standard: mohammed abdul "blahblahblahblah" picks me up, listening to radio america or whatever the american self hate radio network is called. note to self: must be very little name variation in the middle east.
"uptown please" i say to my new arab friend while enjoying the aroma of stale vomit and "scent trees" that bless most cabs. i have decided in an attempt to help relations with these islamists that i am going to go out of my way to be nice and bathe them in "please" and "thank you". in the back of my mind i'm thinking, if we all did this it might stop this madness. looking at my watch i'm psyched that i'm gonna be on time for my 1st meeting with my boss.
before we get there, i reach in my pocket to get my money clip.
PANIC "FUCK!!!!!!!!!!" my hand is BROWN. it looks like dr. frankensteen attached a mexicans hand to my pale irish ass. i'm gonna be doing sales intros all day shaking hands- meets n greets.
My 1st thought is i must have something: leprosy, diabetes(uncle john had and almost lost a foot), must be gout. total hyperchondriac meltdown in the back of this arab guy's cab.
my 2nd thought is bail on work til i can figure out what is going on. can't, no one to cover, the rest of those fucks are out on vacation. i just came back from mine, shorthanded, can't bail, the boss would shit.
3rd thought: divine intervention for feeling bigotted thoughts? no way, god knows "i kid, i kid".
decide upon: start scrubbing the brown off, seems like a blotchy fungus or something, did i catch some penis disease from my girl and now it is on my hand? is that whore cheating on me? Ebola?
into the office, up the back service stairs into the men's shitter.
thankfully no one is in there. the brown just won't come off. it is molecularly fused to me!!!!!!!
i went through 2 hours of rotating morning sales meetings with coworkers and clients asking what was on my right hand:
" got into a bad bag of beef jerky last night, stuffs toxic, imagine how it stains your insides"
no one is laughing.
" was staining an antique chair leg last night"
oh, what kind of chair was it and what stain did you use?
" Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, brown?"
after the morning break i went down the street to the bodego and just bandaged it for the rest of the day.
The net of it is: the frogs at bain des soleil aren't fucking kidding when they say that self tanner works and won't rub off.
Conclusion:
#1) i got the stain off the sheets(which i missed when i got up that morning) and off me before the kitten got home the next weekend.
#2) co-workers never figured it out, though they wanted to bust my rocks, was too freakin bizarre for them to piece together
no one can make shit like this up!!!!!!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-08-11 16:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For linkwhoring.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice 1st post
Alter
(sorry it was said to me so I'm just passing it on)
Submitted by toucansam (user info) at 2006-08-11 12:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
linkwhore
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-11 12:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good first post. I look forward to more of your stuff. This was hilarious.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-11 12:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Made up or not, this was crap.
Submitted by tbone (user info) at 2006-08-11 11:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just want to get it read, don't care about reviews
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-08-11 11:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, great story, but what's with the linkwhoring on evey other post? If you're looking for positive feedback, that's not the way to get it.
Submitted by tbone (user info) at 2005-08-10 18:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the feedback, lady
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-10 16:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been a +0 (that always bothers me. Zero isn't positive, damnit), but this comment made me laugh.
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Submitted by ryan5012 (user info) at 2005-08-09 22:46:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny bit not really hilarious, and the grammer is bad.
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Grammar is spelled incorrectly, and he butchered his sentance construction as well. Fucking poetic.
Anyway, your story wasn't bad, but it had WAY TO MUCH IN THE WAY OF CAPITAL LETTERS. You also stubbornly refused to capitalize your I's, which annoyed the everloving fuck out of me for some reason.
Submitted by tbone (user info) at 2005-08-10 13:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meant no offense, what do i do then put in 0? seems like the system makes you put in a rating. thanks for the protocol heads up, 1st post and all
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-10 11:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The story is funny. word of warning, don't +2 yourself, it won't affect the acutal rating and tends to irk people.
+1 funny story
+1 to stave the -2 dies you may yet receive for anouncing first post and rating yourself.
Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2005-08-10 11:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tbone (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Now it places the lotion in the basket.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 06:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I found this tedious, sorry. Incidently, excessive punctuation is a sign of a diseased mind, alrighty!!!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
+1 for effort or to ease my sense of guilt. Or somethng.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-08-10 03:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh the joys and self-loathing of drunken masterbation.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-09 23:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. If your hand is...then what about...
Nevermind.
Funny stuff. Keep it up.
Submitted by ryan5012 (user info) at 2005-08-09 22:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny bit not really hilarious, and the grammer is bad.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-09 21:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-09 21:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious. This needs more hits/reviews pronto.
Submitted by ginger (user info) at 2005-08-09 21:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tbone (user info) at 2005-08-09 20:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i did that last week
Submitted by tbone (user info) at 2005-08-09 20:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1st post be gentle
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-09 20:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Kind of a reverse michael jackson.