Dead Things in the Water (43115 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.95 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ducky (View user info) at 2005-08-10 07:20:19 EDT
It's been a ridiculously hot summer. We're averaging between 35 and 40 degrees Celsius here lately, and there's been no reprieve in weeks. My city is completely surrounded by lakes though, and this year I've made it my goal to swim in as many of them as I can. Until last week I hadn't checked out the largest (and incidentally the closest) of the lot. One reason being because there isn't a single scrap of shade surrounding it, and the other reason being that in certain points, the depth of the lake has yet to be determined...this bothers me.
Due to its depth, it provides convenient dumping grounds for unwanted things. In this area people tend to be lazy when it comes to this, ultimately leading to items being dumped into the river, which eventually drains into the lake. When the river is really low however, these 'items' often find themselves washing up onto the shores before reaching their final destination (three dead prostitutes last year, along with numerous non-human things, i.e. bags of kittens and whatnot). Maybe it's the sick side of me, but I can't help thinking about all the years when the river hasn't been low. Exactly how many dead things will I be sharing this lake with? More importantly, how many HUMAN dead things?? I don't particularly feel like coming face to face with some slimy decomposing smack whore while I'm diving underwater. The thought of that makes me think of the underwater scene in Big Trouble in Little China...you know the one, with the rotting dead people and the chains and stuff. Man, how badass is Kurt Russell anyways? Oh man. If you don't remember that scene, you need to re-watch the movie. When I first saw it as a kid, it gave me nightmares and made me scream bloody murder and wet the bed for months.
So a couple of days ago, I get nervy and decide to bite the bullet and take a dip in this particular lake. I grab a friend of mine, and off we go. After a short 20-minute hike in, we're there. The water is the perfect temperature, and it does a great job in cooling us off. A nice breeze picks up, and that's when the smell hits me. It smells like something dead. Salmon? No, it's too early in the year. My friend notices it too, and since we were pretty much done anyways, we get out of the water and start walking along the shore. I notice something not too far off in the distance, half submerged; the smell is getting stronger, and soon we're covering our faces with our towels.
As we get closer, it becomes clear. It's a fucking horse. A ripe, bloated, stinking, been-here-for-minimum-2-weeks, fucking horse. Upon discovering Tonto, what does my friend want to do? Of course, she wants to get closer.
"Fuck that, you go ahead".
"You pussy".
I really don't want to get graphic (the hell I don't), but chunks of flesh were missing all over the place, and you could see where birds or something had completely torn its ass wide open. Kind of like horse goatse. Like exactly. So I back away while she creeps forward. She gets within two feet of it, and then turns to say something to me.
But she doesn't.
Oh no. Instead, her flip-flop catches on a rock and throws her off balance. She reels backwards and lands directly on top of the bloody thing. Floundering, she screams for me to help her. I should help her. I know I should help her. But I don't. I can't. I'm too busy staring at her and mastering the art of being a pussy.
Once she's up, she staggers towards me. We don't talk; we just walk silently to my car (which fucking stinks like dead horse now thanks to her...febreeze works wonders on animal smells though, right? I think I'm going to need a lot of it, either that or sell the car). I will not be swimming in that lake again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-05 00:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*shudders*
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-19 22:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Horse goatse..." Fucking priceless.
Submitted by mcgee3394 (user info) at 2005-09-14 13:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awsome
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2005-09-04 01:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Curious how the title has suddenly become highly pertinent to current events.
Submitted by Neener (user info) at 2005-09-02 01:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a pussy. lol
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-01 05:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SO, SO gross.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-08-30 18:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yesh
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-08-29 21:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny, a horse you say?
I once stumbled upon a dead raccoon in the woods that was bloated.
It stunk.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-08-29 17:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Short, sweet, smells like ass, and full of awesome; although I have a feeling I will be having nightmares about what my mind thinks "Horse Goatse" really looks like. jesus christ
Banga
Submitted by hael (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yuk!!!!! (spews) i just ate lunch
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-08-18 16:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, that poor girl.
Congrats on B@W, Ducky! Good show...
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some crazy shit.
Congrats.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-17 21:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-17 17:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
horrible! B@W yay!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh....my....lord....
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do dead kittens smell like....
pussy?
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHOOOOO
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on the B@W. Man, this is an awsome post.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol, was she hot though?
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-16 23:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
Bored at work baby! YAAAA!
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-16 23:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dead kittens and horse goatse = auto +2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-16 23:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats.
Submitted by nwalma (user info) at 2005-08-16 23:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gross
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-08-16 14:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<strangely aroused>
Submitted by Pippy (user info) at 2005-08-16 11:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too busy staring at her and mastering the art of being a pussy.
YES! I know the feeling. Oh, wait...no, I don't. No, not at all.
Pussy.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-16 10:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd clap for you if my hand wasn't stuck in a beartrap right now
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-08-16 10:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo B@W
<moonwalks>
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-16 10:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww......
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't particularly feel like coming face to face with some slimy decomposing smack whore while I'm diving underwater"
You should avoid public pools in Australia.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-16 04:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We just walk silently to my car
______________________
Man, make that stinky asshole walk home!
Hahahahaha, she fell on a dead horse.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 04:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wowie wow wow B@W and all that nonsense.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-08-16 03:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you cannot wash dead out of your car.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-10 16:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ewwwww
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-10 15:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52514
Almost the same deal, only with a dead deer. I wish I were joking. Actually, no I don't, because in retrospect, it was funny as shit.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-10 13:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm... Dead things
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-10 12:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew!
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-10 12:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good entry.
Luckily, bagel regurgitation doesn't hurt.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-10 12:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2005-08-10 12:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaaaaahahahaahahaahaha.
You just reminded me of the BO episode of Seinfeld.
It's been a brutal summer in Ottawa this year. With humidex, it's been up to 46 celcius a few times.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-08-10 11:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-10 11:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In college, I went swimming at "the pits" which were just a couple small lakes dredged out of the sand near a local river. The property on which "the pits" were located abutted some ranchers and his fences opened into the pits to allow his cattle to have access to water.
Well, a couple of my friends and I swam all the way across the pits, just to see if we could (smart!). Luckilly we made it, but as we were catching our breath in the shallows on the opposite side I stepped on something slimey. My foot punctured whatever it was, went right through it.
Yeah. Dead cow.
I can still feel it.
<shiver>
I also wrote a post about Febreeze once. (What? Everyone else is linkwhoring.)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58322
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-10 11:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect for lunchtime reading!
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamnit, it's pronounced "goat sex". Anyone who can't parse "goatse.cx" into "goat sex" is a fucking retard.
I liked your story though. Reminds me of driving through Wisconsin and seeing dead cow after dead cow lining the highways.
Pussy.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:31:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Theres no shame in being a pussy - pussys tend to live longer, if not fuller, lives. At least its tougher to die screaming, though.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GOOOOOOSSSSSSEEEEEE!
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Theres no shame in being a pussy - pussys tend to live longer, if not fuller, lives. At least its tougher to die screaming, though.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:05:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:49:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead horses can't say no.
How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It falls in the river and drowns you dumbass.
--------------------
I think it caught a glimpse of one of the dead prostitutes and had a heart attack.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Call Brass.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:49:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead horses can't say no.
How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It falls in the river and drowns you dumbass.
--------------------
I think it caught a glimpse of one of the dead prostitutes and had a heart attack.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet, horse goatse.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead horses can't say no.
How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It falls in the river and drowns you dumbass.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ooooh
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead horses can't say no.
How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71198
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This picture in this post is from my car.
It was sitting in the shade at the time.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of the secret/hidden song on my Invincible album!
The Dead Horse Song - by innocent pop star, Michael Jackson
<sings>
I found a dead horse
It was dead
For once it was not me <oh no>
BUT WHOM KILLED IT
WHOM KILLED IT
WHOM KILLED IT
AND WHY? <come on now bahybeeeee!>
Shamone!
fin
</sings>
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap Rad...I hope you, the wife, and the meep meeps have air conditioning wherever you're at.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:50:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
it got up to about 48º here the other day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Centigrade? Is that legal?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it got up to about 48º here the other day.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:40:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thist post had everything, suspense, crime, death, a fit laaaydeeee peeing in bed, febreeze...
If it had featured Sam 'n' Max it would have been worthy of B@W
-------------------------------------------------------------
Damnit all to hell...I knew it was missing something.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thist post had everything, suspense, crime, death, a fit laaaydeeee peeing in bed, febreeze...
If it had featured Sam 'n' Max it would have been worthy of B@W
Submitted by Timberwolves_At_New_York (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and we're done with my mushroom and wine Pasta 'n' Sauce.
>pushes it away sadly<
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ick
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found myself a mermaid slut in a filthy lake and proceeded to fuck her. http://www.ubersite.com/m/72342