I Have Found Jesus (958 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iddqd (View user info) at 2005-08-11 06:07:17 EDT
I've lived a life of reckelss hedonism. Of seedy bars and suspect women, selfishness and substance abuse. Danced like a maenad to loud, fast music that drowned out the song, blocked out the light. Avoided responsibilty like plague, avoided self-knowledge, avoided true hope.
I thought I had it all pinned down. Me, the eternal cynic, the wise cracking know-it-all. The proudly self-proclaimed 'least spiritual person to walk the earth'. I had the answer, a slick, vapid, typically cynical one at that: my answer was that there is no answer, and that life can be boiled down to one word - nothing. Nothing makes any sense, nothing matters and there's nothing but the next drink, the next line, the next girl, the next experience. There is nothing you can take with you, so burn all the bridges and dance by the flames. This was my smug, self-assured answer.
All these thoughts were jostling for position in my brain as I wandered around my house on yet another bleary sunday morning. I walked aimlessly around, looking here, looking there, finding nothing. I nursed the ache pounding my tortured temples and thought about the use of another night of vacant memories, fairweather friends and a mortgaged future that was beginning to threaten foreclosure.
I thought about my life past, and my life to be. What did I want to do when I grew up? When would that be? When it happens, if it happens, will I be too late? Will I have missed the last sailing ship of my potential, left on the shores of coulda-shoulda-woulda for the remainder of my thin, grey, regrettable life; left to rue the procrastinations over decisions and revisions which i was so sure a minute would reverse.
Suddenly, I felt a purpose well within me. Suddenly, I felt the urge to search, to seek, ultimately to find. With a distinct sense of absurdity, I began to search my house, Cupboards and closets; under beds and behind closed doors. What I was searching for was here, somewhere, if I only I could find the right spot.
More and more desperately I continued my quest. I knew what I was looking for was here, I just had to look hard enough. It was not under the dirty clothes in the basket, it was not behind the shower curtain, it was not even in that secret little nook under the stairs. It was nowhere to be found.
Dismayed, I became increasingly frantic, even looking in places I had looked before. 'Maybe', my frazzled mind began, 'maybe it's moving around on me, from place to place. Maybe i'll never find it'. I began to run, from spot to spot to spot, trying, hoping that I would finally find what I was looking for. I stopped.
I took a step backwards, not thinking about where I was, and fell over the couch, landing in the space behind it. It was there, I had found my goal, it was in that fateful fall that I had achieved my aim.
I had found Jesus. Hallelujah!
The cocksucker had been hiding behind the couch this whole time. What a fool I felt. I mean, I ALWAYS check behind the couch.
"Found ya." I said.
"Ah, shit." Jesus fairly barked at me in reply and began to count.
Laughing, I ran off to take my turn. Sucker, he'll never find me in this spot. As I ran, the motion caused a small burp to rise up my gorge, spilling into my mouth a taste of some of the tequila of last night.
Fuck, I could do with a drink.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 19:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, though.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-08-12 10:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Found Jesus?
If nobody claims Him in 30 days, He's yours to keep!
Rage against the SPT.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-11 11:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Raves
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-11 11:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i know, i know. but a guy can try cant he?
if we all give in, itll be spt every damn day, with every damn post.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-11 11:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like to look behind my couch. You never know what stray Divinities may be hiding back there...
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-11 11:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:38:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
why did i post on a thursday? now this is going to be dropped down by the incoming tide of utterly bland shit that you fucking talentless fuckwits will post in the misguided opinion that you are entertaining.
bring on the parade of lame in-jokes, you fucking imbeciles.
god, how i hate you. """
I do hope you see the irony in your tirades against this website.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That bastard owes me 5 bucks!!!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i half expected a cut/paste of Jesus in a Where's Waldo picture
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why did i post on a thursday? now this is going to be dropped down by the incoming tide of utterly bland shit that you fucking talentless fuckwits will post in the misguided opinion that you are entertaining.
bring on the parade of lame in-jokes, you fucking imbeciles.
god, how i hate you.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You said it mang. Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-11 09:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:54:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus, swamp, what the fuck did i do to you?
everyone else seems to like it, what didnt appeal to you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That dirty bastard! I knew it! He's got hold of my woman!"
"That dirty toad bastard! I knew I should have taken him out when I had the chance. Now he has her."
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-11 09:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry, trumpet-blowing time.
this is a great fucking sentence: "Of seedy bars and suspect women, selfishness and substance abuse". how much alliteration can you fit into one sentence? only way i feel i could have imporved is to have replaced 'women' with 'sluts'
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus, swamp, what the fuck did i do to you?
everyone else seems to like it, what didnt appeal to you?
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:43:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope every hour on the hour while you're burning in hell the devil makes you read this post.
The other 59 minutes he's going to fuck you in the ass. With his pitchfork.
--------------------------------------------
That was the comment you give for a zero?
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bobotheclown (user info) at 2005-08-11 07:37:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
ubmitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:46:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:17:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
GOODBYE STRAUSS YOU MOTHERFUCKER """
Freddy's gonna get ya.....
---
i thought you were there you great cunt. i've been scanning the crowd for a giant melon ... """
tomorrow old bean, tomorrow.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope every hour on the hour while you're burning in hell the devil makes you read this post.
The other 59 minutes he's going to fuck you in the ass. With his pitchfork.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you 'found Jesus' Gump?
I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Send him my way. I'd like to have a few words with him.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-08-11 08:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Losing hide and seek makes baby Jeebus cry.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-08-11 07:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There was I thinking you were going to pulled off a hell of a pass.
That said, try it - you might like it.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-11 07:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he is a sneaky fucker, sometimes we play freeze tag and when I'm 'it' he'll actually freeze me. then he runs around my frozen body singing 'who's the son of christ meow, biotch?'
jesus is dead.
Submitted by bobotheclown (user info) at 2005-08-11 07:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ubmitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:46:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:17:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
GOODBYE STRAUSS YOU MOTHERFUCKER """
Freddy's gonna get ya.....
---
i thought you were there you great cunt. i've been scanning the crowd for a giant melon ...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-11 07:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Saves. That's why he's not afraid of power outages.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-11 07:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job old man. Here, have a plus 2.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2005-08-11 07:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:17:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
GOODBYE STRAUSS YOU MOTHERFUCKER """
Freddy's gonna get ya.....
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har
Submitted by SPLR (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was worried at first, but great post - nice idea, well written.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOODBYE STRAUSS YOU MOTHERFUCKER
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If he swore it would automatically become godly.
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"suspect women"
Like trannys or what?
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it has been done a few times, but this was done well.
I wouldn't want to upset you with less than a 2 what with the third test starting now and all.
YOu will probably have cause enough for tears later on.
Pip pip!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thats the point, testify, you douchebag.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who the hell is that testify n00b?!
Nice one, I liked this.
Submitted by testify (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus wouldn't swear. It's ungodly.