Whiplash's list of things that will go wrong post-puberty. (1972 hits)
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Submitted by Whiplash (View user info) at 2005-08-11 14:07:33 EDT
(Here's to first posts. You're welcome to stick a knife in my ass if my writing sucks, I love criticism.)
When I was in fourth grade, I had (and still have) an older sister who was 16 or 17 or something. Whenever she was around, I looked at her and thought "WOWZERS, SHE MUST HAVE SUCH A FUN LIFE. SHES OLDER AND SHE DRIVES AND HAS ALL THESE FRIENDS AND DOES BIG KID STUFF AND OMGWOW I WANT TO BE WHERE SHE IS SO BAD AND-", and then I would finish my thought in mid-sentence because I was retarded. Anyway, I thought it would kick so much ass to be 16 and in High School. I would save puppies and fight crime and do all that other stuff associated with post-puberty. Life would be great when I got to where she was! Yay!
Well, Now that I'm here, I desperately want to go back to pissing away my time in elementary school climbing trees like a dumbass, knowing I would fall off eventually because climbing up is a helluva lot easier than climbing down for some reason. Being here is nothing I thought it would be. Which is why I created the "Whiplash list of things that nobody tells you about becoming a teenager"- to fix all the bullshit that somehow programs itself in your ignorant 9 year old mind. Pass this on to your young ones, so they don't turn out bitter and polluting Uber like me.
1) You're not going to be popular because you aren't white and you don't have blonde hair and you suck at football. Also, your name isn't Chad. It's Milano. Your mom couldn't name you something common; it had to be some queer city in Italy that's famous because of fashion. Fitting too. Thank your mom when you get older too, the "MULAN" and "COOKIE" jokes continue for quite a while. Oh, and they don't get old. Here's a thank you mom in advance.
2) The girlfriend that looks too hot to be real that you see on TV on faggoty (yes, faggoty) shows like Dawsons Creek and Saved By The Bell is just that- Too hot to be real. And By real, I mean not afraid to walk out of her social clique long enough to realize that you suck at football and not date you.
3) Puberty is quite possibly just as shitty as cancer, and seeing as how you have really shitty luck, it's going to be extra cruel to you. The random erections and way-too-fucking-deep voice that you'll get when you turn 15-16 won't help in your quest to fight crime and save infants. Nor will it help the football thing.
4) When you find something to substitute the fact that you blow at football like Wrestling, or guitar, you'll hurt your back and become to lazy to go back to Wrestling, and later figure out that you suck just as bad at Guitar as you do at sports. There goes the whole Rock-star dream you have going- see the "Whiplash's list of things that will go wrong by when you turn 25" for further information.
5) Your friends aren't going to be that never-ending posse you think about when you think of how cool you'll be in High School. Most of them will annoy the hair off of your hairy ass but you'll hang with them anyway because they think "You're hella funny dawg. Say something funny", as that bag of douche Ross likes to say. Also, some dickhead who takes steroids and plays football that doesn't think you're "hella funny dawg" will make up something about you "talking shit" and make a scene in front of everyone, just because you aren't one of his friends. Then, when you rip his face off cause you don't take shit from anyone cause you're a badass, your parents will go crazy and beat the hell out of you for almost getting them sued.
6) School won't be fun. To top it off, No matter how much you hate school, you won't be "cool" or "rebellious" enough to ditch. When you finally say "fuck it" and ditch, you'll get caught and get another ass kicking from the loving mother that bought you that shiny new bike when you were nine and said "Go have fun" 7 years ago. Again, thank her in advance for taking a turn for the worst in parenting.
7) Your peers won't be intelligent and fun learning experiences. You'll meet guys who say, "I love going to church. I'm fascinated by christianity- I genuinely love God and Jesus" just to get in the pants of that blazing hot "religious" girl. Then, when rumors of her sucking his cock dry circulate, she'll just talk more and more about Jesus and how much she loves church and abstinence. That won't get annoying because she sits next to you and you really like how loud she is. You're going to like the fact that she's in all six of your classes.
8) While we're becoming increasingly sarcastic and bitter, lets talk about how much you like the retards who don't know a textbook from their urethras but raise their hands every chance they get, only to be told "Close but not quite the answer we're looking for" by your pussy teacher who's too scared to say "You're the only reason why I support abortion, you brainless shit". School isn't going to be a learning experience. It's going to be a test to see how long you can sit without punching someone in the throat.
9) You won't drive. That freedom of the open road and independence bullshit that you're thinking about as a 9 year old is going to turn into "Fuck paying 150 dollars for drivers ed so I can get a god damn learners permit: I'll walk to work".
10) Dad isn't going to be the coach-type that gives you a sit down talk when you fuck up and hug you at the end when he knows you've gotten the point. As a matter of fact, he'll get more senile and bitter with age, just like you. Sit down talks become "Get the fuck out of my house", and hugs at the end become a "WOP" sound off the back of your head from his massive dinner-plate sized hand. Thank Dad in advance.
So the next time you see your nine year old smiling and looking at his teenage sister, you can skip the "Perverted little shit" followed by a punch in the esophagus, and go right to handing him my handy little list. He'll be happier knowing that life isn't going to be a pile of sugar that you can just jump into with your mouth open, but rather, its 98% salt. Happy jumping.
User Reviews
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-07 18:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not really Sixteen.
I just liked bullshitting for the sake of this post.
Submitted by Hookerboots (user info) at 2005-11-07 02:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mhmm.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-11-07 02:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yea..you could blame bullshit or..you could make an attempt to fit in?
It's not that bad budd, I felt the same way in junior..
now im in gr 12 and lovin it
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-09-25 11:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2005-09-25 10:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hold thy tounge
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-09-23 00:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is your only post so +2 for the comment you just left in that hurricane post.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-09-21 22:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"School isn't going to be a learning experience. It's going to be a test to see how long you can sit without punching someone in the throat."
In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord,
Amen.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-09-21 22:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-11 16:31:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad new guy. I'm going to rip your heart out through your ass if you dissapoint me in the future.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-09-12 22:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
but you did mention this is your first post which is an auto -2.
but you get a +2 cause I'm a linkwhore. http://www.ubersite.com/m/75018
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-12 22:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
an who ask u to comment so often.u like a bitch or r u.
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You're right. Your commentary obviously means so much more: seeing as how your grammar, spelling and overall mastery of the "Shift" Key and "Spacebar" are so much more impressive than mine.
Here's a hint: Instead of using your right hand to masterbate, use it to type- then the 7/16th's of an inch it takes to hit any of the keys necessary for not sounding like a retard would be so much easier.
Submitted by ahusa13 (user info) at 2005-09-12 21:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
an who ask u to comment so often.u like a bitch or r u.
Submitted by ahusa13 (user info) at 2005-09-12 21:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
life is like that,fucker
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2005-09-12 00:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great first post. Welcome
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-11 23:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post was one of the reasons i joined uber.
that, and i heard its a good way of pulling chicks.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-05 11:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-05 11:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm hard to relate to as I left school in the late 80's (before you were born?)
However, great post.
welcome to Uber!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-05 11:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wait. you guys hit puberty before graduating?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-17 17:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-17 17:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-12 14:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
People don't seem to like the football thing, so let me give you a little background:
Things are pretty stereotypical at the fantastic facility I attend- encluding the emphasis on football. Our baseball team isn't anything special, nor is our soccer team, or anything else for that matter. For some reason, all you hear about is our football team. We never held pep-rallies for anything else, and the football teams wins and losses were the only sports announcements on the stupid announcement box thing in fourth period. At good ol' Pioneer High School (too much information? I don't care, stalkers/murderers rule), football is like THE Sport. Play it or face the shame of hanging out with the "rocker" kids who are too non-conformist to like sports.
Now lets get something straight: I love the sport. I watch it religiously with my pap, along with Pro Wrestling, Basketball, and Soccer. But I hate our team, and I hate my school. If you had looked around for a perfect stereotype for a football player, you'd find 300 of them at Pioneer. Then again, there is the little guys who want to be popular/cool so they go out for football, but how much feild do they see?
That was the emphasis I was trying to make with the football rants- the dolts on Pioneers team. Otherwise, if it wasn't for my shitty back, I would be playing it.
So the next person that says "LOL BUT I LYKE FUTBOL" gets a dragon kick.
Submitted by SPLR (user info) at 2005-08-12 04:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-08-12 03:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An excellent first post if I may say so and I love your name.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-08-12 03:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You're the only reason why I support abortion, you brainless shit".
I fucking loved this line.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-11 22:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your name is Milano? Seriously?
Wow. I'm really sorry, dude.
This was a great first post, mostly because ALL OF THAT SHIT IS TRUE. Whomever first said that your high school years are the best years of your life was a bald-faced liar.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-08-11 18:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:17:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
I see a lot of potential. But after a fairly strong start, it kind of faltered a little.
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I have to agree, but I'd give it more than a 1...more like a 1.7. It was pretty freakin' solid. My only beef was the football rants. In my highschool football meant dick because we were third tier "wear your helmet on the bus as well as the field" sort of athlete's, where we had a shitload of Rudy Rudigers and not one of them could have held Sean Astin's jock.
I would have made those rants more vague, referencing baseball, basketball as well as football, and then slide into a lament on poor atheletic ability, like, " I couldn't catch a cold, let alone some dickwad's liner to my face. They don't tell you about broken noses and obtrusive black eyes when your nine. What's worse is that if they did, you wouldn't care. At nine you want to be Michael Jordan. Only it turns out you end up like Mike Tyson--beaten up, sluring and featuring a mug like a racoon with elephantitis."
That sort of thing.
Anyway, since they don't have a handy 1.7...here's a 2 to grow on!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since I am 21 (DEAR GAWD) years older than you I'd like to get your impression of ME, from when I was your age.
That would be interesting.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72995
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need more new "faces" like you around here.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good first post. Welcome to the snake pit.
I spent my high school years writing fucked-up stories and having people look at me like I was weird or something whenever I walked by.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sneered at my classmates and refused to talk or listen to most of them, because it was the only way I could stop myself from eviscerating them for saying something so utterly retarded that my IQ actually dropped just from hearing it.
No, I'm not bitter or resentful at all. What?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-11 16:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is a first post. Good stuff man.
Like the others said, don't fuck up after this.
Submitted by pbnjams (user info) at 2005-08-11 16:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your bitter teenaged angst is intriguing.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-11 16:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad new guy. I'm going to rip your heart out through your ass if you dissapoint me in the future.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-08-11 16:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-11 16:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love Blitzkreig Bob.
I'm not THAT bad at football. I make a damn good Runningback. Please?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I played football.
UPPERCUT
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:37:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
A girl I unfortunately know is, against everyones opinion, naming her baby Milano. How did that go over with the LADIES for you?
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Excellent. I lost my virginity at 8. I mean come on, I have six eyes and the ladies STILL love me.
Tell the lady that if she does another child the injustice my mother did me, I will eat her.
Seriously.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A girl I unfortunately know is, against everyones opinion, naming her baby Milano. How did that go over with the LADIES for you?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tall, blonde and white and was good at football. And post-puberty still sucked pretty bad. Dont worry Milano, it happens to us all.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True. And it only gets worse after that.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry dude, going to a college far from your home town more than makes up for high school.
Not that I would ever advocate anything even remotely illegal, but weed helps, too. Just don't be retarded about it.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:04:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
if you really think your lack of blonde hair and football skills and whiteness have anything to do with your populatiry, you are either a) in a way different highschool than i was, b) stupid, c) a crazy minority who sucks at football.
because thats just not true.
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It's all three :(.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you really think your lack of blonde hair and football skills and whiteness have anything to do with your populatiry, you are either a) in a way different highschool than i was, b) stupid, c) a crazy minority who sucks at football.
because thats just not true.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:32:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
It just gets worse out in the real world, sir, and you just get older.
Great first post.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's really funny Drew, because I thought YOU were Whiplash.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup...aside from the random erections and way too deep voice...this was school.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so glad I'm out of high school.
Good job.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeannee, I thought you were the Whiplasher
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a smart fucking kid, man.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It just gets worse out in the real world, sir, and you just get older.
Great first post.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 16.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOw old are you?
Teeph, I have to disagree, I enjoyed this.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I see a lot of potential. But after a fairly strong start, it kind of faltered a little.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like bitter twisted people. They remind me of happiness.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-11 14:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, deja vu