SPT: Worm's Guide to Going to the Bars (563 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.12 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by worm (View user info) at 2005-08-11 17:46:33 EDT
There is a 50% chance that you, the reader, have a penis. If you don't, your father does. Either way, you know at least one person that likes to have sex with women, and what better place to meet a horny female than the bar? Now that this introduction has rolled, pitched, and yawed it's way to relevance I should probably close before I get off on a tangent:
Worm's guide to going to the bars:
1) Fashion is for queers and fratboys with too much money.
If the only hole in your pants has a zipper in front of it, you're kosher. Extra points for a shirt with sleeves and a collar.
2) Drink beer, preferribly domestic.
Noone is impressed that you know the ingredients and proportions of a Kumoniwanalaya. Your friends regularly pick up girls by telling them you're gay while you're in the bathroom.
3) Ms. Beautiful
Every guy in the bar noticed her, and despite her hip-hugging jeans and lowcut top, her defenses rival those of the Spanish Armada. The first hour of every successful pickup is convincing her that you are not thinking about sex. Be odd, but quaint. If she laughs at your joke after 30 minutes, she digs you. Let her think she's chasing you.
4) Buy a round
For whoever you're with, or whoever you're not with. Free alcohol makes more friends than a platimun-selling album, and it keeps them around until the bar closes... just like a platinum-selling album.
5) Mr. Asshole
The guy cussing up a storm at the pooltable with the bleached spikey hair and crimson face is a tool. His penis is smaller than your's and his girlfriend slept with everything that bought her a cosmo and/or complimented her earrings. Avoid them like the plague.
If they just aren't biting and you're getting desperate, you can still call your ex (yes, that one). The easiest part about breaking up is the booty call.
SPT for the win.
Worm
User Reviews
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-08-12 10:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the spanish armada was defeated in 1588.
that's the only piece of history trivia i will ever remember.
thanks for giving me a chance to flex my brainpower.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-08-12 07:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-11 22:49:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a slut for a dude in a pink shirt
Note to self: Buy pink shirt for one time use.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-11 22:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a slut for a dude in a pink shirt
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-11 18:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You were really phoning it in on this one weren't you?
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree with Donovan, don't buy a round. Bars are expensive. After pre-drinking, smuggling in a flask, and buying a few drinks, you shouldn't have to buy any more drinks for yourself, yet alone a round. Maybe buy a drink for the girl you are sleeping with (with the evil desire that if she is a bit drunker she might let you do anal) but that is it.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fashion is for queers and fratboys with too much money"
And still, straight men wear pink shirts.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-11 17:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
4) Buy a round
For whoever you're with, or whoever you're not with. Free alcohol makes more friends than a platimun-selling album, and it keeps them around until the bar closes... just like a platinum-selling album.
--
This is horrible fucking advice, never buy a round, or a single drink, for anyone, ever. Excluding girls you're already sleeping with and friends you owe money to.
Here's how you pick up the super hottie at the bar.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62720