Grampa Soames Remembers: Boot Camp, 1942 (624 hits)
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Rating: 2 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2005-08-12 16:06:41 EDT
"Holy Mother of God," Pendleson whispered. He spoke out of the side of his mouth, looking like a cartoon.
"Shut it," I hissed at him.
We were supposed to be standing at attention. The whole platoon.
Pendelson was in my squad. He was on my left, squirming around like he had an ant on his nutsack. It was hard to miss.
Pete Pendelson was a tall fellow. Thin. Small head. Sometimes his helmet spun completely around when he ran cause supply couldn't find a pot small enough for his skull. Later in life, that plate-spinner on Ed Sullivan always reminded me of Pendelson.
It was August. It was hot. The sun was directly overhead. I felt like a white-hot glob of chrome on the hood of a roadster. I could smell warm boot leather and canvas and gun-grease.
This was at boot camp, in South Carolina. A place I'd never heard of before, called Parris Island. I'd joined up in forty-two, after the US entered the war. On my eighteenth birthday I signed up. I met Pendelson when we got into a scuffle over who would be sleeping in the top bunk in our barracks. He was a good guy.
Pendelson looked about to panic. "Jeez-Louise. I'm dyin' here."
He was still squirming.
"The Sergeant sees you doin' that you'll be skinning spuds until we sink Japan. Knock it off."
"Can't help it Soames," Pendelson rasped. "I got a burnin anus."
Well, something like that, it's a conversation-stopper. Not that we were supposed to be jawing. Sarge was about twenty feet away, chewing out Leblansky over a loose bootlace. One of the guys behind me snorted.
Pendelson was from Queens. His accent gave a little juice to an already hilarious remark.
"Feels like I got a whole box of Red Hots up there."
The guy in front of me started laughing silently. His shoulders quivered. He took a deep breath and got it under control.
Pendelson squirmed again.
"For Christ's sake Pete!"
"My doctor gave me some powder," Pendelson explained. "Ever since I was a kid, when I start sweating I get a flaming ring and it itches like nobody's business. I forgot my powder this morning. My a-hole is killing me."
My chest lurched. I fought down my own urge to laugh. Eddie Rzepszynski was on my right. He sucked air and made a tiny pained noise. I saw a tear run down his cheek. This was getting outta control.
"My rectum is enraged."
"Irritated," I snapped back.
"Yeah, that too," Pendelson said with a slow nod.
The tide of laughter was spreading. The Sergeant looked up, eyes darting left and right. He could see something was getting at the men and was trying to zero in on the source.
"I gotta scratch." Pendelson sounded like he was going to jump out of his skin. "Sweet Lord, I gotta scratch."
I didn't want to grab extra KP duty tonight, and since I was next to Pete the Sarge would probably figure we was in on the commotion together since we always did everything together.
"Sarge sees you doing that he'll take care of the problem by ramming his boot up there!"
The guy in front of me jerked, one laugh getting out. He said, "Hark!" Just like in the song, you know, 'hark the herald angels sing.'
Rzepszynski wheezed loudly, sucking air into a constricted chest. He sounded like a little kid saying, "Wheee."
Pendelson started squirming worse than ever. I could see one arm moving, snaking behind him. I was afraid to move my head to see any more. The Sarge was staring right at me.
All was quiet for a moment, then Pendelson sighed.
The guy behind Pendelson sounded like he was crying. "Oh Jesus, Jesus."
Like magic, the Sarge was in front of us. He gave Pendleson a once-over from boots to burr-cut and then said, "Son, why do you have your thumb up your ass on my parade ground?"
The men around me were sniffling, wheezing, physically shaking, barely holding themselves together while the Sarge glowered in their midst.
Then Pendelson pulled his thumb out of his butt, and I'll be damned if there wasn't a tiny little 'pop!'
That was when the last bird settled on the telephone wire and the works collapsed.
The men erupted.
The Sarge said later it was the first time he ever knew of an entire platoon getting KP at once.
Pete Pendelson somehow managed to get his smaller than normal head blown off in the Ardennes, in the winter of forty-four. He was a heck of a good fellow, though.
-Jonah Markham Soames
User Reviews
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-13 14:40:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud from the beginning to the end (except for the part about him getting his head blown off of course).
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-13 14:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud from the beginning to the end (except for the part about him getting his head blown off of course).
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-12 23:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah jack...
I laughed, I admit it.
You do have the genuis writer gene...
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-12 21:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:27:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
aspring writers jealousy, instead of awe
took you what? 20mins max?
--
Yeah about that long, although this is a little old. Just did a proof and post.
Takes me longer to do the research since I don't know shit about shit and all.
Just keep writing. I look at some of my early shit and want to burn it... but it's important to see that no matter how bad the latest piece of work looks, progress is being made.
Your cop stories just need a nice paint job and maybe somebody to clean up the back seat. All surface stuff. Nothing wrong with the engine, though, it runs fine. The more you read and write the more you get a feel for what word combos sound good and what sounds like shit. I hope so, anyway.
And it's not like I'm some bullshitting English major talking about lit-er-a-toor.
In fact, I don't even have a college education.
I just like telling stories.
So cough up some more cop tales, jd.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aspring writers jealousy, instead of awe
took you what? 20mins max?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:13:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
this pains me
--
Que?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:05:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
It would take some balls to -2 anything like this...
--
Notice how I'm not holding my breath?
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It would take some balls to -2 anything like this...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For all you guys who have served this country... my shit is just made up.
You guys are the real deal.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is good shit
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My next will be 'My week North of Freedom Bridge'
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:18:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Jack, thanks for trumping my boot camp story. Jerk!
Oh and this was good...enough....I guess?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, you just wait until I pull out my Spanish-American War bootcamp stories - HALARIOUS!!!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Jack, thanks for trumping my boot camp story. Jerk!
Oh and this was good...enough....I guess?
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<Applause>
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this pains me
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-12 16:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Now I guess I'll have to tell some of MY boot camp stories.