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That's not supposed to be closed off... (633 hits)

Category: None

Rating: -1.71 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by lisa white <lmarie22000.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-12 17:15:12 EDT

*I did't write this, but I thought you guys might find it humorous.

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,

painless removal - the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...THE

WAX!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix

dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring

painfully in my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I should pull the

wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise:

the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kids, no melting a clump of

hot wax, just rub the strips together in your hand to get the wax warm

and then pull them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and

hair comes right off. No muss; no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean

I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can

figure it out - ya think?!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each

other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the

hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my rear-end! (Oh,

how this phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and

pull. Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I am

She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin

extraordinaire!

With my next strip, I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak

back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I

drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same

procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line,

covering the right half of my v-g-na and stretching down to the inside

of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip!) I inhale deeply and

brace myself. RRRIIIPPP!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! ... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of

the strip! CRAP! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is

swirling and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums? Ok, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that

has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the

glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's

no hair on it!

Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?? Slowly I ease my head down,

foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair, the hair that should

be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! I run my fingers

over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold

wax and matted hair.

Then, I make the next BIG mistake..........remember, my foot is still

propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot

down.NOOOOOOO! I hear the slamming of the cell door --- v-g-na sealed

shut! Butt? Sealed shut! I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to

figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the

urge to poop! My head may pop off!"

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can

stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax

should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

***WRONG***!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - and I sit. Now, the

only thing worse than having your nether businesses glued together is

having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in

scalding water! (which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax!) So, now

I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub.

God bless the man who convinced me that I should have a phone in the

bathroom! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has

some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter,

"So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is

a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the

laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located

on bottom, i.e., "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing

out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests

I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! RIGHT!!! I should be the

joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off

with a razor. Nothing feels better than t have your girlie goodies

covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then

dry shaving the sticky wax off! By now, the brain is not working, dignity

has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is

still talking with me and my hand reaches toward the saving grace...the

lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I have to lose at this

point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids,

scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. IT WORKS! IT

WORKS!!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I

successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

grief and despair ... the hair is till THERE ... ALL OF IT!!!!!

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week, I'm going to try hair color .
__________________

User Reviews

Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-13 01:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Not only did you not write it, you didn't even bother to change the formatting and you left v-g-na in there. Go fuck something with spikes on it.

Submitted by Shroom (user info) at 2005-08-12 23:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

"*I did't write this, but I thought..." <---No, you DIDN'T think. I stopped here.

Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-12 21:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

If you didn't write it, suck my dick.

Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-12 18:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-08-12 18:02:21 (#)
Ranking: -2

If you didn't write it, don't post it.

Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-08-12 18:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

If you didn't write it, don't post it.

Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

If someone had forwarded this to me, the next time I met them I would punch them in the face, then permanently remove their internet connection.

For you, I can just give you a -2.

Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-08-12 17:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Meh... was ok... you didn't write it..