Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines: Yes, Well Done, You’ve Just Fucked Up a Nice Mountain (1603 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPlanet
Rating: 1.88 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-08-12 19:27:09 EDT
I'll say one thing for the boy - he got us down out of the Bighorns without further incident. This was largely due to our collective decision that we were both dangerous renegades and a holiday without the ever-present threat of imminent death was no holiday at all. We had, after all, already proved our invincibility by making it all the way through Kansas without dying of boredom.
By this stage of the trip, money was getting a little tight - we were covering a hell of a lot of ground and petrol, despite being horrendously cheap by English standards, was eating up most of our funds. In fairness I probably could have lived without the gig card I bought for my digital camera, but anything that gives me enough joy to justify an hourly exclamation of "my god, I love technology" has got to be worth it, no matter the price.
Funds were limited, so we decided to do a whistle-stop tour of cheesy touristy shit. Well, actually Brad decided, and as he was driving there wasn't much I could do about it, apart from chop him in the throat and bury him in a shallow grave. I considered it for a while, and even drew up some blueprints, but without him I wouldn't have been able to buy any beer because apparently no-one in America can tell what the fuck I'm saying.
In fact, the only American who didn't habitually respond to me with a "huh?" was Brad's four year old nephew. No, he was much more verbose in his criticism of the Queen's English:
"What language are you speaking?"
".......Uh....English...."
"No you're not. *I'm* speaking English. You sound like you're speaking Spanish."
Well okay then. There really isn't much you can do to counter that kind of argument from a youngster, except for grabbing one of his toy cars and shouting "OH YEAH?? WELL THIS POLICEMAN HAS RABIES AND HE'S GOING TO DRIVE ERRACTICALLY AROUND TOWN UNTIL EVERYBODYS DEAD! SO THERE!" but weeks of having to repeat myself had obviously ground down my defences:
"I'm sorry dude, I'll try harder to not speak Spanish from now on"
"You do that."
There's a general consensus that my unintelligibility is caused by a tendency to mumble, but I prefer to blame it on the natural inferiority of the American race. You can imagine how well that hypothesis went down.
By the time we got to Mount Rushmore, I was feeling a little road weary and fractious but still prepared to give it the benefit of the doubt. I mean, what divine providence for a mountain to have naturally weathered into the shape of some president's faces. Mother nature never ceases to amaze me.
I'm all primed to "ooh" and "aah" like a good little tourist when I see it. Not the mountain, oh no. You can hardly see the mountain. Because they've built a BIG FUCK OFF CAR PARK RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT. Jesus Christ, I thought, these people have no sense of style. Road weary and fractious mutated into road weary, fractious and ready to unleash a tidal wave of righteous indignation in the direction of the next person to not understand me when I use the phrase "nice one, cheers mate." Unspeakable British arrogance came to the fore and anyone looking closely at my eyes would have seen the words "we would never dream of doing that in England" ticker taping across them.
We drive down the road a little bit and come face to face with The Final Straw. I wish I'd got a picture of it, but to be honest I was far too busy ranting about how the only compassionate response would be to nuke the whole fucking country right then and there. What frightening and terrible object could have prompted a twenty minute tirade of abuse for all things American?
A neon sign.
A simple neon sign.
A simple neon sign that was flashing....wait for it....."HISTORICAL SITE!!!"
Who runs the national monument commission in America? Incongruous McDipshit of Discordant Town? Seriously. I filled three pages my notebook in response to this sign but I won't repeat it here because 90% of the actual content is the word 'pigfuckers' repeated ad nauseum in the style of The Shining.
We sped on to Rapid City, sorely in need of a mood lightener. And god provided in the shape of three badass wannabe gangstas parked at a stop light with their windows rolled down and their heads bobbing to some ear-bleedingly loud generic rap. We giggled to ourselves as we pulled up next to them at the lights and then Brad reached over and pressed play on the iPod we'd hooked up to the car stereo.
Now to say I've got an eclectic taste in music would be an understatement. There's 12GB of almost any genre you care to think of that beautiful white nugget of technological goodness, but if there was ever a track to come on, full volume, in that situation it was the one that did.
Just picture the scene for a second. Pseudo-Badass-Motherfuckers in one car with their "bitches and hos" music and then, right next door, the real fucking Daddies...windows rolled down with Mozart's Requiem blasting out at full volume.
You can't silence opera. Not even with a glock.
...To Be Continued....
Previous Episodes (they all stand alone)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71252 The Best Thing About Kansas Is The Threat Of Imminent Death
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71300 Mountains, Iced Tea and Wal-Mart in Colorado
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71375 Gettin' Our Teat On in the Tetons, or "It's Fucking Mordor!"
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71560 Good Morning Mr Ranger Sir
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72662 Men on Quad Bikes in the Bighorn Mountains Cannot be Trusted
User Reviews
Submitted by LeaderOfMen (user info) at 2006-09-20 06:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul's apathy towards Americans is for shock value and attention, but in reality its not even edgy... its pathetic.
Filthy I think your writing, and this series have both been amazing. I cant wait to see what you do with it next... If I remember right I read ETS is from Indiana, you should go to Ohio if you want to see some good places...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-23 11:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how did I miss this
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-06 14:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 14:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
agravating
____________________________
I can't type for shit. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:55:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:43:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Filthy, you are great!!
===
I know, dude. I know.
___________________________________________________
Although your aplomb is irritating and agravating, I still
say you are great!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:43:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Filthy, you are great!!
===
I know, dude. I know.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:53:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now you sounded like bitchy american tourists. I would probably dislike you. But well written and funny.
"I prefer to blame it on the natural inferiority of the American race. You can imagine how well that hypothesis went down."
More truth than hypothetic :-)
____________________________________
Fuck you, Caul, you ignorant fuck.
Filthy, you are great!!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-05 15:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now you sounded like bitchy american tourists. I would probably dislike you. But well written and funny.
"I prefer to blame it on the natural inferiority of the American race. You can imagine how well that hypothesis went down."
More truth than hypothetic :-)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I grew up in the black hills. Ten years ago they took Mt Rushmore and totallly defiled it. I agree there should not be some big nasty parking ramp there. I know why they did it. I remember when people have had to park way down the hill but holy shit! It used to be a simple blacktop parking lot, a nice walk through the beautiful pines of the black hills into a modest ampetheater. Whoever thought they were improving the majesty of that monument by turning it into some huge shrine to concrete and granite has to have been on drugs.
Oh well. Here's my pics from my most recent visit back to the hills: http://www.ubersite.com/m/70389
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What language are you speaking?"
".......Uh....English...."
"No you're not. *I'm* speaking English. You sound like you're speaking Spanish."
-----------
This one time I was in Georgia and it was pissing it down so I felt a little home sick so we went to Arby's for some chicken, the guy who served me said "Wow, that's a cool accent! Are you from London?".
He was that close. That close to going under and he never even knew it.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-08-14 18:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-14 11:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god that makes me ill. And I'm from Florida, home of some of the country's tackiest everything.
Incidentally, speaking of Kansas (and it really is an unspeakably boring state), http://www.improb.com/airchives/paperair/volume9/v9i3/kansas.html
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-08-13 18:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love this series
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-13 15:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That first picture is so awesome. Look at how tiny that road is!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-13 12:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:49:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't believe you about the car park until I saw the pic.
====
Come on people. I'm giving you pearls here.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't believe you about the car park until I saw the pic. That's fucked up.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-13 06:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-13 05:25:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=43.878997564315796,-103.4597110748291&spn=0.006630420684814453,0.010213851928710938&t=k&hl=en
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Heh, that's pretty cool. If only you'd shown me this earlier I wouldn't have needed to actually go.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-13 05:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Windows rolled down with Mozart's Requiem blasting out at full volume.
_____________________
Dona eis requiem.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-13 05:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have a word for that here.
Tunacan
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-13 05:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats one very wide very short style of phallus there.
Mind you, apart from the G and A spots (and the R and U but they dont count), most of the nerve endings within the vagina are near the entrance.
+2 for Requiem
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-13 05:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU TRICKSEY TRICKSTER
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-13 05:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=43.878997564315796,-103.4597110748291&spn=0.006630420684814453,0.010213851928710938&t=k&hl=en
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-13 05:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uh, you now that you took a picture of Mt. Rushmore from that angle just to poke fun at us.
If you would have moved about 100 feet to the right, you could have snapped a shot from where you are supposed to.
THATS A FILTHY FILTHY TRICK
NO ASSISTANCE AT ALL FROM YOU.
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-08-13 00:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, that really looks shitty with the parking garage
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-12 22:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-12 21:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one, again.
I recently met up with a British girl. I loved hearing her talk. The way she said "ghetto" and "smack-ing my bitch up" was just fantastic and hilarious.
====
You haven't lived until you've heard me say the word "party"
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-12 22:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:51:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
is that the mountain from "close encounters of the third kind"?
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Aye. That's the Devil's Tower in Wyoming.
There is an Indian legend surrounding it that's kinda cool:
"Once upon a time seven little girls were playing in the woods far from home and they came upon some bears that chased after them. They found refuge on a great rock, that rose into sky with them on it, making them into stars. The bears tried to pursue them, but all their efforts were in vain. You can still see the struggle and their claw marks in the rock that makes up Devil's Tower."
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-12 22:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:51:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
is that the mountain from "close encounters of the third kind"?
====
Yep. Steven Spielberg was sucking cock for pennies at the entrance gate.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-12 21:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one, again.
I recently met up with a British girl. I loved hearing her talk. The way she said "ghetto" and "smack-ing my bitch up" was just fantastic and hilarious.
I can't believe they put a car park RIGHT FUCKING THERE!! That's insane in the membrane.
Submitted by dirtycyberdawg (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:47:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert some witty response>
-------------------------
<insert some witty reply to said response>
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is that the mountain from "close encounters of the third kind"?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert some witty response>
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-12 20:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woopie!
Sturgis 'on the river' Rally
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-08-12 19:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*chomp*
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-12 19:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's funny, because I'm always instructing people to do that very thing.
However, they never listen.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-08-12 19:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I want to bite Brad.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-12 19:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot the part where I bobbed my head to the Mozart while throwing gang signs out the window, going "UHHHHHHHH....na na na NAAAA".
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-08-12 19:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to hear you speak.