Parenting: A Definitive Guide - "I'm WHAT?" (3735 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.97 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-13 10:00:04 EDT
Well, you've gone and done it now. You did the dirty and you're all knocked up. Congratulations; you've just added your DNA to the human gene pool! Somewhere near the shallow end, probably, where the water is warm and stagnant and swarming with mosquito larvae. And toddlers piddle because it feels so warm and nice. And... you know what? Never mind. The point is, YAY. You're almost officially a contributing member of the species. Almost. You have to get through these nine months first.
1st trimester (0-14 weeks):
Oh the joy. Oh the wonder. You're bringing new life into the world - you've created an entire human being. From your own bodies, you've made life. It's awesome and godlike, I know. Women suddenly feel all warm and nurturing and alive and glowing. Men feel like MEN, masculine and virile. For about a week.
And then the nausea starts. Ever thrown up pure, undiluted stomach acid? Get ready, because it's coming your way. 'They' say stupid shit like "Have some dry crackers and black tea first thing in the morning." This does not work. It just gives you something to throw up that tastes marginally better than bile. There are medications you can take for morning sickness - do try to avoid these. Anyone remember Thalidomide? (Yes, of course there are worst case scenarios in which the mother has to take medication in order to keep food down or she'll starve. I KNOW. This is mainly written for the majority of largely hassle free pregnancies, okay?) (That last sentence was so diplomatic I just hugged myself.)
(Still hugging.)
(Give me a moment, I'm very needy.)
(Okay.)
And aside from the nausea we have the "You knocked me up and now you must pay" trifecta: Tiredness, cravings, and mood swings. These are more of a problem for Dad, though, because when the bloated miserable breeding mammal requires oysters and ice cream at 5 am, guess who's going out to get them? That's right, not anyone who can lactate.
Near the end of the first trimester, there's generally a 12 week ultrasound. You can check out fingers and toes and the heartbeat and all that nifty stuff, and Dad will feel all proud and possessive and nurturing and manly. Mum will just want it to be over real, real soon, because she had to drink 2 litres of water before this and her bladder is about to spontaneously release all over the technician. Request it on video - she'll be too busy trying not to widdle herself to notice much at the time.
2nd trimester (14-27 weeks):
Now we're having fun. The baby starts kicking at about 16 weeks. Mum develops the "waddle"; a specialized form of walking that gets more and more pronounced as her pelvic bones move apart. Other terms for this walk are the "shuffle", the "hobble", the "lumber", the "shamble", and the "Just please lord don't let me fall over or I'm there for the day."
Every time Mum looks in the mirror the word "cow" springs to mind. Endless babbling by Dad that she looks beautiful and radiant will endanger his life, provoke tears of utter love, cause her to leave him, or make her long to bake him cookies, depending on what strange exotic configuration her hormones are in at the time.
"Wake up and feel the baby kick." You had better learn to jump to attention real, real soon, Dad. And you will smile, damn you. And respond with heartfelt murmurings of adoration. And don't ever, EVER, roll over and mumble "Not again" because you will be slowly poisoned to death over the next year of your life. I'm not saying it's FAIR, just stating the facts.
3rd trimester (28-40 weeks):
Mum is a whale. Dad is a wreck. The baby is kicking so hard and moving so much you can watch his feet move across her swollen belly. It looks like something out of Alien. Do not tell her this. She has enough to put up with. Junior is kicking her coffee cups, books, and plates off her lap. He's kicking her bladder for fun. (If there are two of them, they kick each other.) He's turning somersaults and practicing breaststroke and sometimes, early in the morning, she is kept awake by the disquieting thought: "Where have all my internal organs gone? There's no room in there... oh god do I still have a liver?"
Mum is having nightmares about giving birth to a batlike monstrosity with a tail. Dad is having nightmares about Mum giving birth to a freak that eats money.
Be strong. You're on the home stretch. Go out to dinner, go to the movies. You won't have the chance again for a while.
The Miracle of Birth:
No-one can help you. Those prenatal classes are useless, if you already know how to breathe. They divide labor into stages; they tell you how far apart contractions should be, and they're very clear about what's going to happen. They're wrong.
What they should do is put you in a vice and spin you around in a centrifuge and keep startling you with loud noises. That would come close to the agonizing chaos that is birth.
"Natural childbirth" is for stupid people, and those unfortunate women that didn't get to the hospital on time. "Women in china give birth in rice paddies and keep on working." If you gave one of those women the option of morphine and a sterile delivery room with music and morphine and doctors and reassuring machines and morphine, I'm fairly fucking sure she'd take it. Say it with me: "Drugs are my friend."
Giving birth hurts. It's agony, it's terrifying ("I've changed my mind. I want to go home." "You can't go home." "I DON'T WANNA HAVE BABIES ANYMORE IT HURTS AND I THINK I'M DYING!") and you can't control any of it. Accept that, right off the bat - you are not in charge. Your body was designed to do this and your brain is only a passenger.
And after the pain and fear and blood and morphine, you are the proud parents of a brand new, blood covered, blue and white, slimy, pointy headed life form. It gets prettier after it's washed. I promise.
Next week: Parenting: A Definitive Guide - "It keeps making noises" (The first year)
User Reviews
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2008-02-25 18:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-24 17:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't want babies, thank you.
Submitted by something_or_other (user info) at 2007-12-16 19:11:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
W3L U GONE AND DONA IT NOW11!11!!! U DID DA DIRTY AND UR AL KNOK3D UP11!!!! OMG LOL CONGRATULATIONS U JUST ADED UR DNA 2 TEH HUMAN GANE POL111! LOL SOMEWHER3 NAAR TEH SHALOW END PROBABLY WH3RE TEH W8R IS WARM AND STAGNANT AND SWARMNG WIT MOSQUI2 LARVAE1!1!1!1! OMG WTF LOL AND 2DL3RS PIDL3 B/C IT FELS SO WARM AND NIEC1!!!! LOL AND.1111!1!1!11!11!! OMG WTF U KNOW WUT???!?!? OMG NAVER MIND!!1!11!! OMG WTF LOL DA POINT IS YAY!!!!!!!1 OMG UR ALMOST OFICIALY A CONTRIBUTNG MEMBR OF TEH SPACEIS!11111 ALMOST1!!1 OMG WTF U HAEV 2 GAT THROUGH THESE NIEN MONTHS FIRST!1!1!!1 WTF LOL
1ST TRIEMSTER (0-14 WEKS) O TEH JOY!1!1!! LOL O TEH WONDER!11!!1! OMG WTF UR BRNGNG NU LIEF IN2 TEH WORLD - U CREAETD AN ANTIER HUMAN BNG1!1!!! OMG WTF LOL FROM UR OWN BODEIS U MAED LIEF1!!! LOL ITS AEWSOM3 AND GODLIEK I KNOW!!!!!!1 OMG WOMEN SUDENLY FEL AL WARM AND NURTURNG AND ALIEV AND GLOWNG11!!!!1! OMG WTF MEN FEL LIEK MEN MASCULIEN AND VIRIEL1!!!1 OMG LOL FOR ABOUT A WEK!!!!! WTF
AND THEN TEH NAUSEA STARTS!1!1!1 LOL EVAR THROWN UP PURE UNDILUTED S2MACH ACID?!????!? WTF LOL G3T READY B/C ITS COMNG UR WAY!!1!!1 OMG LOL TH3Y SAY STUPID SHIT LIEK HAEV SOMA DRY CRAKARS AND BLAK TAA FIRST THNG IN TEH MORNNG!11! OMG WTF THIS DOAS NOT WORK1!11 OMG LOL IT JUST GIEVS U SOMETHNG 2 THROW UP TAHT TASTAS MARGINALY BTER THAN BIEL!!!1!1! WTF THEIR R MEDICATIONS U CAN TAEK FOR MORNNG SIKNES - DO TRY 2 AVOID TH3S3!111!1! OMG WTF ANYON3 REMAMBR THALIDOMIED???!!!!? WTF (YES OF COURSE THEIR R WORST CAES SCENARIOS IN WHICH TEH MOTHER HAS 2 TAEK M3DICATION IN ORDER 2 KEP FOD DOWN OR SHEL STARVA!1!!!!! OMG LOL I KNOW1!11!! OMG THIS IS MANELY WRIT3N FOR TEH MAJORITY OF LARGALY HASLE FRE PREGNANCEIS OKAY)??!!? WTF (TAHT LAST SANTENC3 WAS SO DIPLOMATIC I JUST HUGED MYS3LF)!111! OMG
(STIL HUGNG)1111 LOL
(GIEV M3 A MOMANT IMM V3RY NEDY)1!!1! OMG WTF
(OKAY)11!!1! WTF LOL
AND ASIED FROM TEH NAUS3A WE HAEV TEH U KNOKED ME UP AND NOW U MUST PAY TRIEFCTA TIERDNES CRAVNGS AND MOD SWNGS111!!! OMG WTF LOL THESE R MORA OF A PROBLAM FOR DAD THOUGH B/C WHEN TEH BLOAETD MIESRABLE BREDNG MMMAL RAQUIERS OYST3RS AND IEC CREM AT 5 M GUES WHOS GONG OUT 2 GET THAM??!!? WTF TAHTS RIGHT NOT ANYONA WHO CAN LACTAET1!!1! WTF
NEAR DA END OF TEH FIRST TRIEMSTER THEIR G3NERALY A 12 WEK ULTRASOUND!11! WTF LOL U CAN CH3K OUT FNG3RS AND 2AS AND TEH H3ARTBAT AND AL TAHT NIFTY STUF AND DAD WIL FEL AL PROUD AND POS3SIEV AND NURTURNG AND MANLY!1!11!11 WTF MUM WIL JUST WANT IT 2 B OVER REAL REAL SON B/C SH3 HAD 2 DRINK 2 LITR3S OF W8R BFOR3 THIS AND H3R BLADER IS ABOUT 2 SPONTAENOUSLY RELEAES AL OV3R DA TECHNICIAN1!11! OMG WTF LOL RAQUEST IT ON VIEDO - SH3L B 2 BUSY TRYNG NOT 2 WIDL3 HARSELF 2 NOTIEC MUCH AT TEH TIEM!1!1!!!1 OMG WTF
2ND TRIEMST3R (14-27 WEKS)
NOW WERE HAVNG FUN11!!1 OMG WTF DA BABY STARTS KIKNG AT ABOUT 16 WEKS1!1!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL MUM DEVALOPS DA WADLE A SPECIALIEZD FORM OF WOKNG TAHT G3TS MORE AND MORA PRONOUNC3D AS HER PALVIC BON3S MOVE APART1!!!!!1! OMG LOL OTHER T3RMS FOR THIS WOK R TEH SHUFLA DA HOBLE TEH LUMBR DA SHMBLA AND TEH JUST PLZ LORD DONT LAT M3 FAL OVAR OR IMM THEIR FOR TEH DAY!!!!1 OMG WTF
AV3RY TIEM MUM LOKS IN TEH MIROR TEH WORD COW SPRNGS 2 MIND!!11 OMG 3NDLES BABLNG BY DAD TAHT SH3 LOKS BAUTIFUL AND RADIANT WIL ANDANGER HIS LIEF PROVOKA T3ARS OF UTER LOVA CAUSE HAR 2 LEAEV HIM OR MAEK HER LONG 2 BAEK HIM COKEIS DAPENDNG ON WUT STRANG3 AXOTIC CONFIGURATION H3R HORMONES R IN AT DA TIEM!!!11 LOL
WAEK UP AND FEL TEH BABY KIK!1111! OMG U HAD BTER LEARN 2 JUMP 2 ATENTION R3AL RAAL SON DAD1!!1!1!! WTF AND U WIL SMIEL DMN U111!1! OMG AND R3SPOND WIT H3ARTF3LT MURMURNGS OF ADORATION111!1!! OMG WTF AND DONT 3V3R EVER ROL OVER AND MUMBLA NOT AGANE B/C U WIL B SLOWLY POISONED 2 DAATH OVAR DA N3XT Y3AR OF UR LIEF!11!1! WTF IMM NOT SAYNG ITS FARE JUST STATNG TEH FACTS1!1! WTF
3RD TRIEMSTER (28-40 WEKS)
MUM IS A WHAEL1!1!!1 WTF DAD IS A WREK1!!!!1! OMG LOL TEH BABY IS KIKNG SO HARD AND MOVNG SO MUCH U CAN WATCH HIS FET MOV3 ACROS HER SWOLEN BLY!1!11! OMG WTF IT LOKS LIEK SOM3THNG OUT OF ALEIN111!11 WTF LOL DO NOT TEL H3R THIS1!!1!1 OMG WTF LOL SH3 HAS 3NOUGH 2 PUT UP WITH!!1!! OMG WTF JUNIOR IS KIKNG HER COFE CUPS BOKS AND PLAETS OF H3R LAP1!111 OMG LOL HAS KIKNG H3R BLADAR FOR FUN!!!!! OMG (IF THEYRE R TWO OF THAM TH3Y KIK 3ACH OTH3R)1!!!1!! OMG WTF H3S TURNNG SOM3RSAULTS AND PRACTICNG BR3ASTSTROK3 AND SOMETIEMS AARLY IN TEH MORNNG SHA IS KEPT AWAEK BY TEH DISQUEITNG THOUGHT WHER3 HAEV AL MAH INT3RNAL ORGANS GONA?!?!?!!! OMG THEYRE NO ROM IN THEIR!11!!1111111!1!! LOL O GOD DO I STIL HAEV A LIEVR?!!?????? OMG
MUM IS HAVNG NIGHTMAERS ABOUT GIVNG BIRTH 2 A BATLIEK MONSTROSITY WIT A TALE!11!1 OMG LOL DAD IS HAVNG NIGHTMAERS ABOUT MUM GIVNG BIRTH 2 A FRAAK TAHT AATS MONEY11!!11 OMG WTF
B STRONG111!1! OMG UR ON TEH HOM3 STRATCH!!!1!1 WTF GO OUT 2 DINER GO 2 TEH MOVEIS11111 OMG U WONT HAEV TEH CHANCE AGANE FOR A WHIEL1!1111 OMG WTF TEH MIRACLE OF BIRTH
NO-ON3 CAN HELP U!1!!!!! OMG THOSE PR3NATAL CLAS3S R USEL3S IF U ALR3ADY KNOW HOW 2 BR3ATHA!111 OMG THAY DIVIED LABOR IN2 STAEGS THAY TEL U HOW FAR APART CONTRACTIONS SHUD B AND THERE VERY CLEAR ABOUT WUT GONG 2 HAPAN!!!1 OMG WTF LOL THERE WRONG1!1!! WTF WT SHUD DO IS PUT U IN A VIEC AND SPIN U AROUND IN A C3NTRIFUGE AND KEP STARTLNG U WIT LOUD NOIESS!1!! TAHT WUD COME CLOSE 2 DA AGONIZNG CHAOS TAHT IS BIRTH1!!!1!!
NATURAL CHILDBIRTH IS FOR STUPID PEOPL3 AND THOSA UNFORTUNAET WOM3N TAHT DIDNT G3T 2 DA HOSPITAL ON TIEM!!!!1 OMG WTF WOMAN IN CHINA GIEV BIRTH IN RIEC PADEIS AND KEP ON WORKNG1!1!!111 WTF IF U GAEV ON3 OF THOSE WOM3N TEH OPTION OF MORPHIEN AND A STARIEL DELIEVRY ROM WIT MUSIC AND MORPHIEN AND DOC2RS AND REASURNG MACHIENS AND MORPHIEN IMM FARELY FUKNG SUR3 SHED TAEK IT1111 OMG WTF LOL SAY IT WIT M3 DRUGS R MAH FREIND!11!!1 OMG WTF LOL
GIVNG BIRTH HURTS!1!! LOL ITS AGONY ITS T3RIFYNG (IV3 CHANGED MAH MIND!!!!!!1 WTF I WANT 2 GO HOME!!1111 U CANT GO HOME!111 OMG I DONT WANA HAEV BABEIS ANYMORA IT HURTS AND I THINK IMM DYNG)!1!1!1!! OMG WTF AND U CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!!!!1 LOL ACEPT TAHT RIGHT OF DA BAT - U R NOT IN CHARG3!11!1!! WTF UR BODY WAS DESIGNED 2 DO THIS AND UR BRANE IS ONLY A PASENGAR!!1111 OMG WTF
AND AFT3R DA PANE AND FEAR AND BLOD AND MORPHIEN U R TEH PROUD PAERNTS OF A BRAND N3W BLOD COVARAD BLUA AND WHIET SLIMY POINTY HEAEDD LIEF FORM1!!!! WTF LOL IT GETS PRATEIR AFTER ITS WASHAD!1!!! OMG WTF LOL I PROMIES11!1 LOL
NEXT WEK PAERNTNG A D3FINITIEV GUIED - IT KEPS MAKNG NOIESS DA FIRST YEAR
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-14 10:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha I ruined your rating
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-12-07 17:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-03 14:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha.
birth is like popping a giant zit.
__________
See, now I would have thought that birth was more like taking a giant shit, except you have to feed, clothe, and support the turd for the next 18 years.
And it wakes you up in the middle of the night.
And you may need to send it to college.
Think I'd rather just take a more traditional shit.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-03 14:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha.
birth is like popping a giant zit.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-03 14:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-12-02 13:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a
little Homer Simpson in all of us.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer Defined
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2007-12-02 12:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fine for you, Marge. But I used to rock and roll all night and
party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can
find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of
this rut and back into the groove!
-- Homer Simpson
Homerpalooza
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-12-02 11:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are amazing.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-02 09:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If Bart ever publishes "The Best of Uber" and you don't have a chapter to yourself I'll... Well, I'll buy it anyway, knowing it could have been better.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-02 07:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel that this might have helped certain people quite a lot when the time came.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 13:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-08-16 20:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:38:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your posts annoy me because I come across a line I want to quote and say "+2 for that!", but then it's followed by another one, and then another one, and I can't highlight the whole post to reminisce on and do that thing where you sort of get a little of the credit, because everybody's just read it, so I need to go to the 'Rate This Item' box armed with nothing but a sensation of vague hilarity and admiration, and then I need to think of something to say which conveys said hilarity and admiration in a different way to which I +2 every other mildly amusing piece of shit that gets posted here, and I inevitably fail and look like a douche.
No Comment.
_______________________
And I now hate thorpe, too, because he so succinctly expressed the thoughts I've been struggling to verbalise (typalize?) since beginning my Circemarathon.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rad=dick
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
circe is teh best!
Submitted by yeahthatme (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God I love your posts.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"not anyone who can lactate"
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-08-27 07:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Lord Circe.
What I could do with this post from a mans perspective.
You kick ass.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-08-19 16:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sooo.... any words of wisdom for the dreaded stepparents?
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-17 23:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Giving birth hurts. It's agony, it's terrifying ("I've changed my mind. I want to go home." "You can't go home." "I DON'T WANNA HAVE BABIES ANYMORE IT HURTS AND I THINK I'M DYING!")
- - -
This is something that all men and many women can't begin to even fathom. (Like I know how it feels, but still.) The act alone, outside the pain, always astonishes me, that 2 + sex = a new person. When I was born, this isn't made up, my mom told me I pissed a big golden arch right into the doc's face. (He must've been looking a bit too friendly at my her.) +++
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-16 06:47:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M RATING THE POSTER AND NOT THE POST
SOMEBODY CALL SOMEBODY
I like you. You're just unfailingly cute.
---------------------
THis review is funny.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-17 07:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-16 12:41:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, that.
I hereby name Berty my official "arguing for me because he's good at it and I'm just retarded" person. Give me your aim or msn, Berty, so I can point you in the right direction and tell you my opinion and you go and argue it for me. I have lots of opinions; it's a very important job.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have not AIM nor MSN nor a home internet connection. I can email you from work though and once the internet connection is up and running in a week or two I'll grant you my aim/msn details.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-08-16 20:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:38:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your posts annoy me because I come across a line I want to quote and say "+2 for that!", but then it's followed by another one, and then another one, and I can't highlight the whole post to reminisce on and do that thing where you sort of get a little of the credit, because everybody's just read it, so I need to go to the 'Rate This Item' box armed with nothing but a sensation of vague hilarity and admiration, and then I need to think of something to say which conveys said hilarity and admiration in a different way to which I +2 every other mildly amusing piece of shit that gets posted here, and I inevitably fail and look like a douche.
No Comment.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wanted to review this yesterday but bart insisted on checking my email verification.
I loved this, and being just into my second trimester I'm past the puking (yessssss!) and now my hip problems have begun playi up so I'm signed off work for two whole weeks- government paid holiday!!
bye.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, done that
good write up
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think of anything to say, but I knew you'd apreciate this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhinoceros_Party_of_Canada
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurry up and get to year #2. I've got some questions.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your posts annoy me because I come across a line I want to quote and say "+2 for that!", but then it's followed by another one, and then another one, and I can't highlight the whole post to reminisce on and do that thing where you sort of get a little of the credit, because everybody's just read it, so I need to go to the 'Rate This Item' box armed with nothing but a sensation of vague hilarity and admiration, and then I need to think of something to say which conveys said hilarity and admiration in a different way to which I +2 every other mildly amusing piece of shit that gets posted here, and I inevitably fail and look like a douche.
No Comment.
Submitted by Belimobile (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll never moan about bleading for 5 days again!
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Endless babbling by Dad that she looks beautiful and radiant will endanger his life, provoke tears of utter love, cause her to leave him....
--------------------------------------------
My god is this the truest thing ever written or what?
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not only are you a good writer, you add humor. Which I like.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds fun
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-13 23:42:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-13 21:36:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you rock.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*writes very carefully in notebook*
Quality stuff.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-15 06:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You just inspired me to get a vasectomy.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A pregant wife is the perfect time to ask for anal.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what's cool though? That one hormone that makes you forget most of the pain about six weeks postpartum. It's the *only* reason anyone has ever had more than one kid.
Oh, and hey, try having a kid in Holland, where the epidural is not an option and you get passed from a practically untrained lay midwife to Herr Doktor Goebbels, OB/GYN like a football.
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-08-14 02:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-13 23:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-13 21:36:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you rock.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-13 21:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you rock.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-13 20:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, but renews my fear of pregnant women. They're like those big volatile nukes in action movies.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-13 20:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha.
The best part is that sperm helps dilate the cervix, so hopefully you have the doctor, your husband, and a few migrant workers off the street all furiously cumming in and on your pussy and your baby's head while you shove the little turd out.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-13 18:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved this post I am excited about the rest.
And this review fucking rocked:
=============
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-13 16:47:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
As I am reading your post this is what my brain is thinking...
awwwwwww
ewwwwwww
awwwwwww
awwwwwww
that's right. wake his ass up!
oh my!
ewwww
ewwwwwwww
ugh
DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS
OUCH
OMG
FUCK THAT I AM NEVER HAVING KIDS!!!
=====================
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My girlfriend just went for her first ultrasound yesterday. Thank you so very, very much for this post.
*blank stare*
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-13 16:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As I am reading your post this is what my brain is thinking...
awwwwwww
ewwwwwww
awwwwwww
awwwwwww
that's right. wake his ass up!
oh my!
ewwww
ewwwwwwww
ugh
DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS
OUCH
OMG
FUCK THAT I AM NEVER HAVING KIDS!!!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-13 15:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-13 14:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Endless babbling by Dad that she looks beautiful and radiant will endanger his life, provoke tears of utter love, cause her to leave him, or make her long to bake him cookies.
_________________________
There's no certanity in this pregnancy shit at all, is there?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-13 14:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious, as usual.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-08-13 14:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, why do we continue to do stuff like that? We know it hurts!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-13 14:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sucked in bitches. we deposit the glue and then we're home free. In fact, we only hang around out of pity, curiousity and possibly fear (for the weaker of us).
having read this, I'd like to do a 'fathers' point of view, from the point of view of an uninformed, complete misogynistic cunt. Do you think it would be worthwhile? Be honest.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-13 13:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2foru!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-13 12:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
("I've changed my mind. I want to go home." "You can't go home." "I DON'T WANNA HAVE BABIES ANYMORE IT HURTS AND I THINK I'M DYING!")
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me, I am running low on rubbers.
I don't want to try and find oysters and ice cream at 5 am.....
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, you better start getting on MSN again or I swear to God I'm coming over to kick your ass!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a damn good thing I lactate, cause I ain't going for midnight pig's feet and chittlens.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And once they're here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/68079
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
God, I'm never having kids. I should probably die young in some war or something, just to make sure. Anyone know of any non-shitty wars going on where I could go out in a blaze of glory?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I might have one of those things one day.... when I'm a grown up..
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:12:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
...I'm never reproducing.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
icarus - gladly. It's my favorite soapbox.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
>>No-one can help you. Those prenatal classes are useless, if you already know how to breathe.<<
Can you please have this chat with my wife if she ever starts making nesting noises?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
I'm glad my belly is only for food.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On the bright side, whenever Dad complains about *anything*, you can threaten to vomit on him. And then follow through if need be.
"OH GOD MY FACE IT BURNS WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYY"
"You shouldn't have looked at me funny like you did."
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
...I'm never reproducing.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ Monty.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Monty - hahahahahhahahahahaha
We used to do that with the twins. It was awesome because only one could fit near the warm side and I could feel them fighting it out in there.
Not that I've been conducting experiments on them or anything.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I paid her back in the 3rd trimester for all the shit I put up with.
You get something nice and cold, and something nice and warm, put them on either side of her stomach. The baby moves to the warm side.
Then you switch them.
The baby does something reminiscent of the spin cycle on your washing machine. It's great.